AT A GLANCE: ILLNESS/CHRONIC HEALTH PROBLEM
INTENT INSTEAD OF THIS TRY THIS
EMPATHY “I can’t believe this is happening to you.”
“But isn’t this fatal?”
“But your house isn’t handicap accessible!”
“Oh, how awful . . .”
“But you don’t look sick.”
“But you’re so young . . .”
“I am sorry you are going through this.”
“This sucks.” (You may be corrected that it doesn’t; or it may be just the right thing to hear. When in doubt, ask.)
“I want you to know I am here for you if there is anything I can do.”
“I can help you with _____and I am free most Tuesdays if that works.”
“You don’t look sick; how are you actually doing?”
“I understand you had to break plans. No worries—let’s try again.”
“Before I finalize the reservation, I’ll just confirm they are wheelchair accessible.” (Or not mention you are checking and just check.)
RELATE “I had (my brother had) _____ and I know how it feels.”
“You know, we all feel _____ from time to time. Don’t worry.”
“That happened to my sister, and it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“We all feel a little tired at the end of the day.”
“I can’t imagine what you are going through. What’s that like for you?”
“How are you feeling, today?”
“I am sorry.”
PERSPECTIVE “Any of us could get hit by a bus.”
“At least it’s not _____ (kind of illness).”
“At least it’s treatable.”
“It’s only 30 percent odds . . .”
“They call that the good cancer, though, right?”
“You are so lucky to not have to work. Think about it like a permanent vacation.”
“I know someone with this diagnosis and she is doing totally great now. I don’t know if this will be the case for you, but I hope so.”
“What’s it like for you, today?”
“How do you feel about not being able to work in a paid job?”
INTEREST “Do they know why you got this?”
“Did you ever smoke?”
“Is there anything the doctors can say about it now?”
“How are you feeling about what happened?”
“What’s it like to _____?”
HOPE/RESOLVE “You can get through this. My cousin did.”
“You are so strong. You are a fighter.”
“You are so brave.”
“You just have to get out of the house!” (Or whatever change in lifestyle you think a sick person has to make.)
“I have seen you manage really tough things in the past and I know you can get through this.”
“You don’t have to be strong for me.”
“Tell me how I can support you the most.”
“How about we try _______ (basically anything that nudges someone out of their malaise-filled comfort zone), and if it’s uncomfortable, we’ll stop immediately.”
A FEW THOUGHTFUL GESTURES:
Got me a pair of socks that said “I’m so high, I don’t care.”
Brought me a stuffed animal, which even a sarcastic adult like myself appreciated.
Gave us a jar of quarters to pay for parking/bought us parking passes.
Our son was in a coma, and friends shared the load and visited him in the hospital.
Made me several playlists with different themes for different moods.
Friends of a friend whom I barely knew came by the rehabilitation center with their guitars and sang me songs.
Sent me a deep-dish pizza from a restaurant in my hometown of Chicago.
Made me a book of redeemable “friend coupons.”
Paid for someone to come over and clean my house while I was in the hospital.
Hung inexpensive prints from my favorite artists all over my hospital room.
Took my daughter to school three days a week so I could get to outpatient treatment.
AT A GLANCE: DIVORCE
INTENT INSTEAD OF THIS TRY THIS
EMPATHY “Have you thought about counseling?”
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“She was a jerk anyway.”
“How are you doing?”
“How do you feel about your process in getting to this point?”
“Wow, that can be hard.”
RELATE “Didn’t _____down the street get divorced?”
“We’ve all been there.”
“I went through _____ (kind of experience), and I had those same feelings.”
“My brother, who I greatly admire, went through a similar experience.”
PERSPECTIVE “You will find someone else.”
“I saw this coming—you two weren’t meant for each other.”
“I had a feeling the relationship was unstable for a while.”
The best time to try offering perspective is a few months (or more) after the separation:
“Once this is all over, I truly believe you will be happier for this.”
INTEREST “How are the kids holding up?”
“Have you started dating yet?”
“What happened?”
“Do you think he/she was cheating?”
“How did _____ (court case, moving, talk with the ex . . . ) go?”
Only if there is time for a real answer, then: “How are you feeling about _____ (finances, moving, kids, etc.)?”
“Of course I am curious about what led to this, but I just hope that you are doing okay and we can talk about what happened whenever/if ever you want to.”
HOPE/RESOLVE “You shouldn’t let her push you around anymore.” “I trust you are doing the right thing/will know how to handle yourself.”
“You are attractive and charming and a great catch!”
A FEW THOUGHTFUL GESTURES:
A girlfriend who lives across the country sent me a really funny gag gift about what to do when you break up. It was a wheel of retribution and it made me laugh—always a good thing.
A friend had had balloons brought into my apartment to welcome me to my new place.
My good friend got me a book of essays about going through divorce.
My best friend had flowers waiting on my desk when I got back from divorce court, which, by the way, is the worst part.
Coming over with a ton of ice cream as the typical breakup food was really sweet—and added a sense of humor to it too.
AT A GLANCE: FERTILITY STRUGGLES AND MISCARRIAGE
INTENT INSTEAD OF THIS TRY THIS
EMPATHY “Have you thought about ____ (adoption, diet change, acupuncture, yoga)?”
“Try to relax, go on vacation, limit your work schedule.”
“Just do anything.”
“There are so many foster kids that need homes, though!”
“How are you doing?”
“If there is anything I can do, let me know.”
“How do you feel about your process in getting to this point?”
“I have some thoughts or treatment experiences if you ever want to hear them; though I understand if you don’t.”
RELATE “I tried for six months before anything happened.”
“Sometimes it just takes time.”
“I’ve never been through infertility, but if you ever want to talk about it, I am here.”
“My brother went through a similar experience—if you have any questions I can put you in touch.”
PERSPECTIVE “Don’t worry, it eventually happened for me.”
“Parenthood is not all that it’s cracked up to be.”
“You should come to the holiday event this year; it will make you feel better.”
“This was nature’s way of ending a bad pregnancy.”
“It’ll happen when you’re truly ready.”
“Wow, that can be hard.”
“How are
you doing?”
“If it’s too hard to come to my baby shower, I completely understand.”
“I am sorry about your loss.”
INTEREST “Are you pregnant yet?”
“How much does it cost?”
“Whose problem is it?”
If person miscarried: “How did it happen? What did you do?”
“How did the medical appointment go?” (If you are in the know about appointments.)
“How are you feeling about _____ (finances, upcoming holiday events, or baby shower, etc.)?”
“Any difficult side effects of the medication?”
Ask several weeks after a miscarriage or failed fertility treatment: “How are you feeling about _____?”
HOPE/RESOLVE “I just know you will get pregnant!”
“It just wasn’t meant to be.”
“It wasn’t God’s plan.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant” (if the person miscarried).
“No matter how you do it, I know you will make a great parent.”
“I am glad you’re still trying.”
“My brother and his wife did this for three years and, on the third try, it finally worked. That’s my hope for you.”
“How are you feeling about it?”
A FEW THOUGHTFUL GESTURES:
A dear friend wanted me to attend her child’s birthday party, but being around kids was too hard. She then asked if I could help out with just hanging up the party decorations, also offering that I could leave before others arrived.
I was single trying to get pregnant. My friend who took me to my insemination appointment also treated me to lunch afterward to mark this momentous occasion.
Friends wanted to plan a summer vacation with us, and with the nature of infertility appointments, we couldn’t firm anything up until the last minute. Even though it meant having fewer vacation options, they were very understanding.
When saying I didn’t want to be asked about being pregnant, anxious and excited friends who really wanted to know respected my wishes.
After my miscarriage, a neighbor left me a plant at my door.
AT A GLANCE: LOSS
INTENT INSTEAD OF THIS TRY THIS
EMPATHY “I can’t believe this happened!!”
“But how will you continue to support the family?!”
“Who is going to pay for all of the expenses?!”
“You really should move on.”
“I am sorry you are going through this.”
“I’d like to help with the kids if I can. I am free to babysit.”
“People grieve in their own time, in their own way.”
RELATE “I lost my mother and I was devastated.” “I can’t imagine what you are going through.”
“This is really hard.”
“How are you feeling, now?”
PERSPECTIVE “Loss is a part of life.”
“At least he lived a full life.”
“At least you could see her in the end.”
Let the grieving person come up with their own perspective. Accept that they may not.
INTEREST “What kind of inheritance might you get?”
“Did he smoke? Drink?”
“What are your next steps, and is there anything I can do to help?”
“What was she like?”
“What was your child’s name?”
HOPE/RESOLVE “It’s been six months. You should be over this by now.”
“You will find somebody else.”
“Grief happens in its own time.”
“You will feel better one day, but I am here for you now.”
A FEW THOUGHTFUL GESTURES:
We were so grief stricken at the loss of our daughter that some people from our church made all the arrangements at our house for our son’s birthday party. We didn’t have to lift a finger.
My friend created a beautiful announcement about my mother’s passing that we posted outside our house.
When my son killed himself, a colleague from work gave me a poem about loss.
Friends helped me organize and clean up my mother’s things. She was a hoarder and this was a really big job.
When my good friend died in a car accident, work colleagues took me out to lunch.
I never asked for it, but after my wife died, my neighbor swept up the leaves that accumulated every few days for about a month without ever mentioning it.
AT A GLANCE: UNEMPLOYMENT
INTENT INSTEAD OF THIS TRY THIS
EMPATHY “I hope that your finances can manage this.”
“Wow, I can’t imagine what that feels like.”
“Is your spouse handling the news okay?”
“This happened to me. It sucks.” (Because this kind of incident brings a lot of shame.)
Shoot them a LinkedIn request or write a recommendation on their online profile.
“I really liked the work you were able to do here. I will miss you.”
“I’m here to talk if you need to.”
PERSPECTIVE “I wish I could have some time off!”
“At least you are on unemployment.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.”
“I know now this feels horrible, but you are so talented. Something will come up.”
“Let’s get your mind off things. Let me take you out to dinner.” (Or just treat without mentioning it.)
INTEREST Asking “How’s the job search?” every single day.
“Have you sent out more résumés?”
“Why did they fire you?”
Sending random job leads and asking if the person followed up.
“Send me your résumé—I’ll see if anyone I know would be interested.”
Pass on relevant job leads with “Maybe you know someone who’d be interested.”
A FEW THOUGHTFUL GESTURES:
A friend made me cupcakes that said “I love you.”
A colleague called after she heard the news and said how saddened she was to hear it.
A colleague continued to send me relevant job leads and made introductions when it seemed worthwhile.
A good friend gave me consulting work to get me over a financial hump.
I couldn’t afford to keep my hairstyle. My neighbor is a hairdresser and would style my hair for free before I had an interview.
Some colleagues from my old work sent me LinkedIn requests.
Friends networked in their neighborhood and found me a retail job.
A colleague offered to be my reference when I was afraid I wouldn’t have a good one.
CONCLUSION
YOU GOT THIS!
I’M INADEQUATE I’M AWESOME
“I DON’T KNOW HOW.” “MY KINDNESS IS MY CREDENTIAL.”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.” “LISTENING SPEAKS VOLUMES.”
“I DON’T HAVE THE BANDWIDTH.” “SMALL GESTURES MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.”
The fear that we’ll mess it up, the fear of saying something wrong, and the fear that we don’t have the bandwidth to really help: these are the three things that most often get in the way of our reaching out to others. What these concerns essentially boil down to, though, is a simple lack of trust in ourselves, in what we already know how to do, and that who we are is enough.
IF WE WANT TO BE SOMEONE PEOPLE TRUST AND REACH OUT TO, WE NEED TO TRUST OURSELVES. THAT DOESN’T MEAN BEING PERFECT. IT SIMPLY MEANS BEING WHO WE ARE.
1.TRUST YOUR CONCERN:
•YOUR KINDNESS IS YOUR CREDENTIAL.
•IF YOU CARE, YOUR CARE BELONGS.
2.TRUST YOUR VALUES:
•PUT YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST.
•DON’T JUDGE OR ASSUME.
3.TRUST YOUR BEHAVIOR:
•LISTENING SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT CARE.
•SMALL MOVES MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.
We can all have an important place in the lives of those around us, and we can take up as little or as much room in those lives as we can handle, or as the situation calls for. Onc
e we trust our capacities to give and to accept the limits of our giving, we can give more freely, and with more joy. To do that, we need to move beyond our usual stories about others failing us, and about us failing others. We need to move toward being kinder and more accepting of our and others’ shortcomings and differences, and, ultimately, toward richer, broader expressions of being human.
SHOWING UP FOR ONE ANOTHER WITH AUTHENTICITY AND VULNERABILITY - AND STICKING TOGETHER THROUGH LIFE’S HARD TIMES - IS WHAT BONDS US THE DEEPEST TO EACH OTHER.
When we learn to connect with people in this way, we foster intimate and lasting, ride-or-die relationships. Ultimately, the moments of sorrow and fear we sit through together will also give us our moments of greatest nourishment, as both givers and receivers. So yeah: learning to show up can be scary. But is the temporary fear and discomfort worth it?
MORE THAN ANYTHING.
REFERENCES
Books for Normal Human Beings Having a Serious Day on the Beach
Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Gotham Books, 2012.
Shows how our deepest fears of imperfection and vulnerability are, in fact, our greatest source of authentic connection.
Ehrenreich, Barbara. Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. New York: Metropolitan Books, 2009.
A sharp critique of a culture of positivity that can make people ashamed for feeling horrible in horrible situations.
Lerner, H. G. The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self. New York: Perennial Currents, 2005.
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