by Jane Slate
Thunder boomed and clapped in the distance. Stella jumped but quickly got hold of herself. Kade was on her in seconds. He closed the door and wrapped his muscular arms around her neck. They stumbled into his bedroom as rain began to fall in sheets. Her hair was frizzy and knotted around her face, a result of the weather, but he didn’t care.
She still looked beautiful to him.
With every flash of lighting a fabric of clothing was removed.
“Wait,” Stella gasped through swollen lips. Her voice cracked and faltered as she pulled away from him.
Would he notice the slight swelling in her abdomen? The difference in the shade of her areolas?
“I can’t do this. You’re piss faced...”
“You smell like my father.”
Kade sighed. He hated that comparison. He looked at Stella with eyes full of hunger and frustration and said nothing. Her hesitancy and his drunkenness catapulted them into an argument like it always did.
The following morning, Kade awoke before Stella and assed the wounds he had received the night before. They were battle marks, superficial lacerations that proved she could be brutal when she wanted to be.
She didn’t want a man like her father but she wanted Kade. And there lied the problem.
There were bruises too. Small marks along Kade’s chest where her balled up fists had hit him. They were barely noticeable but tender to the touch.
Kade sighed and turned over onto his stomach. He tucked a loose curl behind Stella’s ear and studied her sleeping profile. She looked so peaceful. It was a stark contrast to the way she had paced in front of him the night before, waving her arms as she spat ultimatums at him that never seemed to hold up in the light of day.
He wanted to touch her. To run his fingers over the gentle curve of her jaw, up along her cheeks. Instead, he reached for the bottle of Cognac stashed beside his bed and the stash of Vicodin on his dresser. The same demons had a way of plaguing him regardless of the new day and the combination of pills and alcohol had a way of numbing him.
When Stella awoke, she found Kade in his bathroom. He was passed out naked in the bathtub with the water running cold from the showerhead above him. His clothing was balled up beside the sink and the bottle of Cognac was completely empty.
It was the pills that sent her into panic mode.
“Kade!” she yelled, shaking him awake.
Kade blinked and grunted in response. Stella exhaled a deep breath as he tried his best to focus his eyes.
She couldn’t do this anymore.
The look of horror etched across her face was a thing Kade would never forget. He tried to stand up but she reached out to steady him, grabbing for a towel that hung behind the door.
“I thought you were dead,” she whispered as she dried him off. Her voice cracked and faltered.
Kade thumbed at the tears that spilled from her eyelids. He pulled her body against his chest with no regard to the fact that he was soaking wet and she was still clothed. She tried not to focus too much on the tattoos that accentuated his muscular frame.
Now was certainly not the time.
“I must have taken too many,” Kade croaked out, nodding at the bottle of pills.
“It wasn’t on purpose, I promise. I was just getting ready for the day. And I just...I needed to take the edge off. I didn’t want to be tense when you woke up.”
“Kade,” Stella whispered as she caressed his tattooed chest.
“You know it’s not your fault don’t you? Maddox’s death...there was nothing you could do...”
Kade shook his head and clenched his jaw.
“It doesn’t matter.”
His voice was deadpan and stoic. He stepped out of the bathtub and wrapped the towel around himself, pulling Stella up with him. Then, he entered his bedroom and collapsed on his bed, feeling light headed. He began coughing and Stella was next to him in seconds.
“Are you alright?”
Kade waved a hand in the air. He tried to hide the fact that his eyes were red-rimmed from crying. He wiped the excess moisture from his face with the back of his hand and reached for Stella’s, holding her gaze. She cleared her throat, running her hands over the miniscule scratch marks and bruising she had caused.
“I’m sorry about last night.”
Kade shrugged it off and leaned back in his bed, stretching his arms over his head. He was quick to change the subject.
“You’re soaking wet.”
Stella glanced down at her clothing and shrugged. Kade pointed to his closet and rubbed his eyes sleepily.
“Grab a change of clothes. I just need to sleep this off.”
He was out before Stella could craft a response. She sighed and pulled a blanket over his body, crossing the room to his closet. She pulled off her clothing and slipped on one of his t-shirts, which was more like a dress on her tiny frame.
For the next hour, she sat beside Kade and watched him sleep, monitoring his breathing. She hated this. Worrying that he would go to sleep and never wake up.
Maybe he wasn’t good for her at all.
The bed shifted.
Kade opened his eyes and stretched.
“Hey,” he whispered groggily.
“How long was I out?”
Stella shrugged and glanced over at the clock.
“About an hour, give or take.”
“How are you feeling?”
Kade sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
“Better.”
Stella smiled, but it was a sad smile.
“How long is it going to be like this Kade?”
Her voice was laced heavily with disappointment.
“Difficult, I mean.”
Kade stretched, flexing his biceps. He pulled Stella against his chest and pressed a sloppy kiss on her cheek. He didn’t answer her question, but then again, he rarely did.
Sensitive topics of conversations were things Kade made a point of avoiding. Stella let out a sigh of frustration and stood up. She paused through the doorway of Kade’s bedroom, hoping he would stop her, but she was met instead by a deafening silence.
“I’ll see you later,” Stella sighed.
She left the room and Kade’s trailer without a second glance in his direction, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
She never stayed for long.
Later, Kade found himself standing in the doorway of a cheap motel room, inches away from a scantily dressed woman whose name he didn’t know. Blinking neon lights leaked through crooked blinds, casting a shadow on the peeling wallpaper. A sign across the street blinked once then twice, highlighting a message that indicated discounted pancakes.
The woman, clad in nothing but translucent negligee, stretched out on the bed and placed her hands on her waist. Kade took three short steps towards her and watched as she stroked her breasts, cupping them in her palms as she brushed her fingertips along her nipples. A slight smile fell over her lips. She opened her mouth to speak but Kade closed the distance between them and leaned forward, cupping her chin in his hands as he kissed her.
Numbness flooded over him. This was a cycle he had become all too familiar with.
The nameless woman’s lips were soft and moist. She caressed her tongue along the ridges of Kade’s mouth as he eagerly pulled the straps of her bra down her emaciated shoulders and cupped her breasts. Silently, he cursed himself. His body wasn’t reacting the way it should have. Stella’s question lingered in his conscious.
“Do you love me?”
Those four words haunted Kade more than he felt comfortable admitting. Instead, he tried to distract himself. He pinched the woman’s nipples and a soft moan escaped her throat. Finally, his erection stirred to life.
“Come here,” Kade whispered as he pulled her smaller frame against his much larger one. They tumbled backwards onto the squeaking mattress. He stripped off his jeans and t-shirt and caressed her half naked form, sliding his palms over her flesh.
“Wait,” she said as Kade started t
o pull on the fabric of her underwear.
“That will cost more.”
Kade sighed and nodded, rolling his eyes.
“I know, sweetheart. This isn’t my first rodeo.”
With a final tug, the last piece of fabric that separated them was removed.
The woman snickered.
“I never said it was.”
She reached for a pack of condoms on the table beside the bed and ripped one open with her teeth. Kade groaned as she slid the latex down his throbbing member.
This was exactly what he needed. Mindless fucking with a woman who didn’t expect anything more from him. None of this “taking things to the next level” and “evolving” shit that Stella had come to expect.
Kade fumbled with the tip of his erection and parted the woman’s legs, gripping her shoulders with one hand as he thrusted roughly forward. She moaned and dug her nails into his flesh as he broke through the thin barrier of her womanhood. Two more well angled thrusts later and she was soaking, practically begging to be taken.
It always stopped being about the money when they saw how big Kade was. A fire burned between his legs as he picked up speed and clenched his buttocks. Sweat beaded along his temple and found shelter in his furrowed brows. The woman lost herself in ecstasy and pressed her hands against his chiseled chest. Their releases were building in intensity and threatening to spill forward at any moment.
Not wanting it to end so soon, Kade pulled out and rolled the eager blonde over on her stomach. He arched her pert ass in the air and took her from behind, grabbing a handful of her hair in his hands. He moved hard and slow and clenched her sculpted buttocks in his palms. His release quickly followed.
When it was over, Kade collapsed on the bed beside her and fingered her into an orgasm of her own.
It always ended the same. They got dressed, took the money off the dresser, and left.
Kade made a point of never getting the same girl twice. That would have defeated the purpose of anonymity.
But this time was different.
After Kade’s latest acquisition had pulled on her clothing and slipped her money into her bra for safe keeping, she opened the door and to Kade’s surprise, Stella was there waiting. She pushed the woman out of the way and charged into the room. She reached for a glass ashtray and hurled it at Kade’s naked form, striking him in the shoulder.
He scrambled to his feet and tried to explain, but there was nothing he could say. She pointed a red painted fingernail at him as anger mixed with hurt flashed in her eyes. She was upset and she had a reason to be. She had always been loyal to a fault.
“You fucking asshole!”
Tears began to fall. Her voice came out in high pitched squeaks.
“You have no respect for anyone. Not even yourself.”
“What,” she challenged, closely studying Kade’s expression for any sign of apathy.
“You don’t think I know a hooker when I see one?”
Kade was frozen. All he could do was stare at her from his spot on the bed, naked and in shock. And when the sound finally dissipated and Stella appeared too exhausted to continue speaking, she sat down beside him on the bed and tried to catch her breath as her chest heaved. Her cheeks were red and flushed and her bottom lip quivered.
Kade cocked his neck downward to look Stella in the eyes but she curled her arm and pressed a hand against his chest to keep him away. He sighed and ran a calloused hand over her unruly hair, feeling terrible that he had ever been the kind of person to pick on her for it.
Not that Kade had made great strides to change since high school. No, in a lot of ways, he was still the same conniving jerk. A reality made clear by the broken expression etched across Stella’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Kade whispered.
But it didn’t matter.
That’s all he ever was.
Kade smoothed his fingers over Stella’s neck and gently kneaded at the muscles that lied beneath. His eyes closed as he kissed her collarbone. She flinched as his facial hair momentarily tickled her flesh. He pulled her close and breathed her in for what he knew would be the last time.
Their eyes briefly met as she lingered in the doorway. The way she looked at him was all too familiar. It was the same look she would give him when he would stumble through her front door at 3 A.M—drunk and smelling of another woman’s perfume.
Kade’s discrepancies were never any secret to Stella. She knew where he had been and what he had been doing. And that one look, that wide-eyed overwhelming disappointment, said it all.
It tore away at Kade.
Usually he would apologize profusely. He’d spit excuses into the air and eventually, pity and forgiveness would gloss over his indiscretions. He took advantage of Stella’s kindness. But not this time. No, this time was different. This time there was something final about the way she stared at him.
“I love you,” Stella whispered, unwittingly pulling a pained expression as the words fell from her parted lips.
Kade knew what was coming. All the signs were readily apparent. Her tense stature. The opacity and glazed over look in her once bright eyes. He could tell she was already envisioning her new future. The one without him in it.
“But this isn’t working.”
Stella’s voice was barely above a whisper. She stood up and ran a hand through her hair. And then, with the final turn of a doorknob, she was gone.
Kade knew then that nothing would ever be the same.
Part Two
All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.
Ellen Glasgow
Chapter Eight
Time didn’t heal all wounds. It was a lie people told themselves to feel better. One Kade didn’t understand. All time did was gnaw away at wounds. He was trapped by time. By his feelings. By how much he missed her. But there was a certain note of sincerity in her voice when she had said it was over and if her words weren’t verification enough her empty house was.
Mel hung back and adjusted Stevie in her arms. She watched through tear stained eyes as Kade frantically searched Stella’s empty house for any sign of her. He moved from room to room with no fluidity, banging against walls and bumping into abandoned furniture. Finally Mel spoke up, unable to take it anymore.
“She left last night.”
There was a brief lapse of silence as Kade chewed on her words.
Left? As in for good?
“I don’t know where she went. I guess she thought it wasn’t worth telling her best friend. I came here this morning and her closet was cleared out.”
And there was it. They were over and she was gone. She had always said she would one day leave Falls Creek and finally, she had gone and done it. Time, it turned out, didn’t heal anything.
Five years and it still felt like yesterday.
Kade unfolded the note Stella had left behind for him and took another long sip of his beer as he read it for the hundredth time.
This is my acceptance of defeat.
Poetic bullshit. That’s all it ever was with Stella. Even in her departure. With a sigh, Kade stuffed the piece of crumpled paper back into the pocket of his cut. He eyed a boringly attractive girl on the other end of the bar. She had been staring at him from the moment he had arrived at the clubhouse, daring him to approach her, but he wasn’t in the mood.
Whiskey burned his throat with every sip. His palms were clammy and his thoughts jumped around in his head like static. He remembered an argument he had with Stella a few days prior to her departure. She had told him that being happy wasn’t in his nature and she was right.
Half a decade later, she was still right.
Everything good left Kade eventually. Pain fogged his vision and made him temporarily forget his setting. It was an emotion he had become all too familiar with. It clouded him and made it impossible for him to string two coherent thoughts together. It had gotten so bad that he couldn’t even remember why he was hurting. Just that he was.
Kade took anothe
r long drink and eyed the crowd of people who surrounded him. It was a typical scene for the SOW clubhouse on any given weeknight. Half-naked women hung onto the arms of leather-clad prospects playing pool. Music poured from an unmanned sound system behind the bar—classic rock, none of that top-40 bullshit—and the scent of marijuana and burning cigarettes filled the air.
The only thing off was the lack of Nash’s presence, but he had informed Kade that he would be away that week, celebrating his four-year anniversary with his old lady Maria. It was Kade’s responsibility as VP to hold down the fort while he was away, a feat that had never proved to be a problem for him.
He wasn’t the kind of guy most people tested.
Richie pushed his way to the front of the bar with a beer in hand and took a seat beside Kade. He had been demoted to prospect after one too many fuck ups at the expense of the club and Kade knew he was bitter. His drinking had gotten worse since Nash had passed down the news, so it wasn’t much of a surprise that he was currently completely fucking blitzed. Kade gave him a nod, keeping his eyes on the crowd.
“You good man?”
Richie shrugged and swallowed back a shot of vodka from a tray on the bar. He eyed the group of girls across from him and winked at the blonde who had taken an interest in Kade. She didn’t react. Richie rolled his eyes. “Bitch,” he muttered under his breath. He reached for another shot but Kade was quick to snatch it from his hand.
“Maybe you should slow down.”
“You know Nash wants you to cool it with the drinking for a bit.”
Richie snickered, slurring his words.
“Fuck Nash! That motherfucker isn’t even here! I’ll do what I god damn please.”
Kade sighed. A few prospects noticed the commotion and stepped forward to help but Kade shooed them away. Richie was a scumbag and a ditz sober but he was even worse when he was intoxicated. Still, your brothers were your brothers.
Kade pushed up on Richie’s shoulder, straining the tendons in his right arm. He spoke evenly, keeping his voice low.
“If you would just behave you know you’d get your patch back.”
Richie shrugged and changed the subject, pressing his pointer finger against Kade’s chest accusingly.