The Shocking Trouble on the Planet of Shobble

by L. M. Moriarty

  Enrico shook his head in frustration. ‘Desp–’

  ‘Despicable!’ said the Security Thug. ‘Yes, sir, I agree. What they’ve done is quite despicable. That’s a good point.’

  ‘Desp–’ tried Enrico again, before retching.

  It was so obvious that Enrico was trying to say the words ‘despair gas’ that Nicola nearly said it for him. Instead, she said, ‘Start the music, boys.’

  Sean and Joshua nodded.

  Seconds later the rhythmic sound of the Screaming Puppies singing their number one hit, ‘Snake Bite’, filled the air.

  The people of Shobble, who hadn’t heard music for over twenty years, lifted their heads in confused delight and began to move to the beat, their arms still linked.

  Enrico clapped his hands over his ears and fell forward over his ShobGobble’s neck.

  ‘Well, really, darling, whatever is the matter?’ his wife called out from the sleigh.

  ‘Music!’ Enrico spoke through clenched teeth. ‘Mucky music! It hurts my ears! Stop that music! You are disobeying the Quiet-Please decree!’

  ‘Although it’s actually quite catchy, sir,’ said the lead Security Thug, nodding his head in time to the music.

  ‘Mucky music and yucky yellow! It’s too much!’ moaned Enrico.

  Sean grinned at Nicola. ‘Told you that Screaming Puppies CD would come in handy.’

  ‘Despair gas!’ choked out Enrico. ‘Spray . . . them . . . with . . . Despair . . . gas!’

  ‘Yes, sir!’ The Security Thugs reached behind their backs for their canisters.

  ‘Brace yourselves,’ said Topaz.

  How bad could it be? thought Nicola, as the Thugs lifted long nozzles and sprayed the air with enormous thick black clouds. She could hear the Shobblings crying out, ‘Block your noses!’

  A nasty smell filled Nicola’s nostrils. It was a sludgy, slimy smell that seemed to travel up her nostrils and straight into her brain.

  I’m fine, thought Nicola. I’m –

  Suddenly a feeling of terrible sadness ballooned through her chest. It’s pointless. It’s hopeless. We will never beat Enrico. We are children, for heaven’s sake. What were we thinking?

  She looked behind her and saw that the Shobblings were bent backwards, like flowers in a breeze. Topaz sat limply in her saddle like a broken puppet. Sean had his face buried in his hands. Even Quicksilver slumped beneath Nicola.

  Shimlara slowly rode her ShobGobble up next to Nicola. Her eyes were shiny with tears.

  ‘We can’t beat Enrico,’ she said dully. ‘We might as well accept it.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Nicola. ‘Yes, of course, you’re right.’

  ‘Remember what you said! Despair is just a feeling, Nicola!’ called out a voice from the crowd. Nicola recognised the quavery voice of Horatio Banks.

  But I was wrong, Horatio. It’s not just a feeling. It’s crushed glass behind my eyes. It’s a weight pressing on my chest.

  ‘Don’t give up! Please don’t give up!’ This time it sounded like Joy.

  Nicola pressed her face against Quicksilver’s feathery neck and remembered Joy’s sad, soft face as she sat in the bathroom at Enrico’s mansion, telling them about Silent Fred.

  There was another voice trying to get her attention. A tiny, mouse-like voice.

  Try.

  It was Nicola’s own voice speaking from a corner of her mind, as if from very far away.

  I’ve got to at least try.

  But it’s too hard. The feeling is too big. It’s like a big black furry animal sitting on top of me, suffocating me.

  So fight it.

  FIGHT IT!

  Nicola lifted her head.

  40

  Nicola whispered in Quicksilver’s ear, ‘I know you feel really bad right now but I need you to fly. Can you do that for me? Please?’

  Quicksilver lifted his head slightly. He sighed, as if he was exhausted, but then he flapped his wings and carried Nicola into the air. The two hovered above the crowd, Quicksilver breathing heavily. Nicola lifted the macrophone Joshua had given her earlier and began to chant. Her voice trembled and cracked.

  Enrico, Enrico, your day has come!

  Enrico, Enrico, get ready to run!

  We know all your phobias, every single one!

  Enrico, Enrico, your day has come!

  Nothing happened. Quicksilver flapped his wings weakly and Nicola watched the people below, sobbing, wailing or simply lying on the ground, as if flattened by despair.

  Nicola took a deep breath and tried again.

  Enrico, Enrico. . .

  She saw Topaz lift her head with difficulty. A minute later Topaz and her ShobGobble were hovering beside Nicola.

  ‘What are we doing?’ asked Topaz. Her face seemed lined with exhaustion.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ admitted Nicola. ‘I remember reading somewhere about the power that’s created when a whole crowd of people chant together. It’s worth a try.’

  Topaz smiled weakly.

  Enrico, Enrico. . .

  As their two voices melded together, they became louder and stronger.

  They were joined next by Katie, followed by Sean, Shimlara and the others.

  Then slowly, one by one, the people of Shobble lifted their heads, straightened up and joined in the chant. The sound of their voices began to boom across the countryside. Frowns cleared. People began to smile and then laugh.

  ‘It’s gone!’ shouted someone. ‘The despair is gone!’

  Enrico’s face was filled with fear and disgust. ‘Why isn’t the Despair Gas working?’ he cried at the Thugs. ‘What have you fools done wrong?’

  Nicola looked at Topaz. ‘Time for the buttons?’

  ‘You bet,’ said Topaz. ‘Everybody into formation!’

  They all flew their ShobGobbles into a tight circle directly over the top of Enrico’s head.

  ‘Fire!’ ordered Nicola.

  They pulled out the straps on the clever contraptions that Tyler had rigged up on either side of their saddles. Thousands of Horatio’s buttons were released into the air.

  ‘A little gift courtesy of Banks Beautiful Buttons!’ yelled Joshua.

  Enrico looked up and his face crumpled.

  ‘It’s raining buttons!’ he screamed, as the buttons tumbled down all around him, catching in his hair and clothes. Enrico batted them away as if they were maggots. ‘Beastly buttons! Beastly buttons!’

  As the buttons continued to fall, Enrico writhed about so much he toppled off his ShobGobble into the snow, where he lay, sobbing and hiccupping.

  His Security Thugs looked appalled by their Commander-in-Chief ’s behaviour. ‘Um, sir?’ said the leader. ‘They’re just buttons.’

  ‘Yucky yellow! Mucky music! Beastly buttons!’

  Enrico’s family didn’t seem capable of speaking. They just sat in their sleigh and stared.

  ‘Hey, Enrico?’ shouted Sean. He pulled out the jar of peanut butter from his coat pocket and flew his ShobGobble down so he was hovering just over Enrico’s head. ‘Feeling hungry? Fancy a nice peanut butter sandwich?’ Sean stuck his finger in the jar. ‘Mmmm . . . It’s especially sticky peanut butter. It could easily get stuck to the roof of your mouth!’

  ‘AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’

  Enrico rolled over so he was face down in the snow.

  ‘Do you resign, Enrico?’ called out Nicola.

  Enrico lifted his head. ‘Never!’

  ‘Turn up the music, Sean,’ said Topaz.

  The Screaming Puppies boomed so loud cracks started to appear in the frozen sea. Enrico desperately tried to plug his ears with handfuls of snow.

  ‘Do you resign?’ cried Serena.

  ‘But I don’t want to!’ moaned Enrico.

  ‘Okay then,’ said Nicola. ‘I guess it’s time we bombarded you with these extra large, bright yellow buttons!’

  Enrico looked up, his face contorted with horror.

  ‘We don’t have any extra large, bright yellow buttons!’ hissed Jo
shua out of the side of his mouth.

  ‘He doesn’t know that,’ replied Nicola.

  Joshua grinned. He raised his voice. ‘Oh, Enrico, how about if we dip these BIG YELLOW BUTTONS in some extra sticky PEANUT BUTTER!’

  Enrico sat up and lifted his palms in the air. ‘Okay, okay, I resign! I resign! Just keep those yucky yellow buttons away from me!’

  The crowd roared. Babies were thrown in the air. Couples kissed.

  ‘Success!’ cried Serena.

  ‘Whooopeee!’ shouted Sean and Joshua, giving each other high fives.

  ‘Oh, thank goodness,’ said Katie. ‘I was starting to feel really sorry for him.’

  Shimlara leaned over from her ShobGobble and hugged Nicola. ‘Looks like another successful mission for the Space Brigade!’

  ‘Wait just a minute!’

  It was Topaz. She was speaking into her macrophone and looked fierce and determined.

  ‘Enrico, I don’t want to just bully you into resigning!’

  ‘Why not?’ said Sean.

  ‘Yeah, I don’t see the problem,’ said Joshua.

  Enrico, who had flipped back over on his stomach, sat up again, shuddering when his hand came in contact with the buttons that were scattered all around him. He looked up at Topaz. His eyes narrowed. ‘So you don’t want me to resign?’

  ‘I want to do it legally,’ said Topaz. ‘We have a petition here calling for your resignation. According to the Constitution if we present you with a petition as long as a rainbow, then you must resign.’

  ‘Fine. Just get it over with,’ said Enrico sulkily.

  ‘Serena,’ said Topaz. ‘Let’s see if that petition is the length of a rainbow.’

  Serena lowered her voice. ‘But, Topaz, what if it’s not?’

  ‘I don’t care. I want this done properly,’ said Topaz. ‘You understand, don’t you, Nicola?’

  ‘Sort of,’ said Nicola. She guessed it made sense to force Enrico’s resignation legally, rather than just by exploiting his phobias.

  ‘This is ridiculous,’ huffed Greta.

  ‘That rainbow there might be a good one,’ said Tyler, pointing to one that began at the Honey Sea Wharf and curved across the crowd of Shobblings. Nicola knew that Tyler would have quickly picked out the shortest rainbow he could see.

  Serena took the huge roll of rose-pink parchment from her backpack and handed it to Topaz.

  ‘Will you do the honours, Nicola?’ asked Topaz.

  ‘Sure,’ said Nicola nervously. She took a firm hold of the scroll of paper, while Topaz took the other end . . .

  ‘You ready?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Let’s go.’

  They flew off in opposite directions to the ends of the rainbow. Nicola looked over her shoulder and saw the rose-pink parchment unfurling between herself and Topaz like an endless party streamer.

  She could see where the rainbow curved to the ground just in front of the Honey Sea Wharf. She urged Quicksilver on with a gentle touch of her feather.

  They flew towards the ground and Nicola felt the petition pulling in her hand.

  She glanced back and saw that Topaz had already reached the other end of the rainbow.

  Nicola’s heart stopped as she looked down at the scroll of pink parchment.

  It couldn’t be true.

  There were no more names on the petition. There was only blank parchment in front of her. They needed about a dozen more signatures. If only everyone had written their names in big capital letters they would have been fine!

  She tugged gently on the parchment and felt Topaz tugging it back at the other end. They couldn’t stretch it any further. The petition wasn’t long enough. They were very, very close – but not close enough.

  ‘HA HA HA HA HA!’

  The awful sound echoed across the snowy plain.

  Enrico had climbed back to his feet, put his hands on his hips and was laughing hysterically.

  41

  It was all over.

  Nicola could see the pack of Security Thugs galloping on their black ShobGobbles over to get her, their long greasy hair flying behind them.

  There was nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.

  ‘You’ve been a good friend,’ Nicola whispered in Quicksilver’s ear.

  There were about fifty Thugs coming towards Nicola. In fact, it seemed every single one of them was on his way over to her.

  Gosh, thought Nicola. If she hadn’t been terrified, she would have been flattered. They must really have believed she was an evil Earthling if they thought it would take that many of them to capture her.

  ‘It’s okay! I surrender! I surrender!’ she called out to the Thug leader as he got closer.

  He shouted, ‘Give me that petition!’ and held out his hand.

  Nicola handed over the scroll.

  ‘Can I trouble you for a pen?’

  Nicola thought she must have misheard him. ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘It’s just that I don’t have one on me,’ said the leader, patting his shirt pockets.

  Nicola blinked. A second ago this man’s face had seemed like something from a horror movie. Now he suddenly looked like a kindly bus driver.

  ‘You want to sign the petition?’ she said incredulously.

  ‘Yes! We’ve had it up to here!’ The leader indicated the top of his forehead. ‘Enrico is a terrible boss. Never says thank you. Never says please. I mean, I’ve got twenty years’ experience as a Thug, I deserve a bit more respect.’

  Nicola fished a pen out of her backpack and handed it over. She tightened her knees around her saddle because Quicksilver was quivering suspiciously, as if he was laughing.

  ‘Thanks.’ The lead Thug laboriously signed his name and handed the pen to the Thug behind him.

  ‘And to be honest,’ he said to Nicola confidentially, ‘the guy has turned out to be a bit of a wimp. I mean, did you see him freaking out just because you threw a few little buttons at him? What was that all about?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Nicola. She was watching the petition get longer and longer as each of the Thugs unrolled a little more parchment and signed their names (they all had very large handwriting), and she could feel an enormous grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.

  ‘Also, the wife and I used to like to disco dance,’ said the Thug thoughtfully. ‘I’d forgotten about that until you played the music. It’s about time we got rid of that stupid Quiet-Please decree.’

  ‘And I’m sick of being a hairity,’ said another Thug. ‘Strands of my hair are always getting stuck in the bath drain. I wouldn’t mind a crew cut.’

  The last Thug signed the petition and handed the pen back to Nicola.

  ‘Let’s see how long it is now.’ The Thug leader rubbed his meaty hands together.

  Nicola took the petition and flew Quicksilver to the end of the rainbow. She crouched down and placed the end of the petition in the splash of colourful light on the snowy ground.

  It was exactly the right length.

  ‘WHOOOHOOOO!’ Topaz went crazy at the other end of the rainbow.

  ‘HOORAY!’ shouted the crowd and once again, dizzy babies were tossed in the air and couples kissed.

  As the people of Shobble continued to hoot and holler and whistle and cheer, Nicola and Topaz flew their ShobGobbles back towards Enrico.

  He was sitting cross-legged in the snow, playing with his hair and looking moody. His wife and children sat stunned and silent in their sleigh.

  ‘Enrico, I hereby present you with a petition as long as a rainbow calling for your resignation,’ said Topaz, and handed over the pink parchment.

  ‘I could just ignore the silly old Constitution,’ said Enrico.

  ‘Young man, ignoring the Constitution carries a penalty of twenty years’ exile on the planet of Arth.’ It was Horatio Banks, emerging from the crowd and looking extremely schoolteacherish.

  ‘Mr Banks!’ Enrico’s eyes darted about and he ducked his head like a naughty schoolboy.
/>   ‘I’m very disappointed in you, Enrico,’ said Horatio. ‘You had such potential!’

  Enrico stuck his lower lip out. ‘Nobody could make me go to Arth!’

  ‘We could, sir,’ said the lead Thug, appearing next to Horatio and crossing his arms across his barrel chest.

  Enrico sighed theatrically. ‘This is very hurtful!’

  ‘You’ll get over it,’ said Nicola.

  ‘Do you or do you not resign?’ said Topaz.

  ‘Oh, whatever, YES!’ said Enrico. ‘You and your stupid friends win! Satisfied?’

  ‘Very,’ said Nicola and Topaz together.

  42

  It was a party like no other. The people of Shobble had been waiting years for this moment and they were determined to celebrate.

  Dusty guitars, saxophones, trumpets, cellos, flutes and violins that had been hidden in attics since the introduction of the Quiet-Please decree reappeared. People sang at the top of their voices while flinging themselves about a makeshift dance floor.

  Hundreds of hairities handed around a pair of scissors and gave themselves the ‘Katie Hobbs haircut’.

  Long tables with white tablecloths were set up in the snow and laid with exquisite and not-so-exquisite food. There were chocolate cakes, chocolate mousse, chocolate biscuits and chocolate pastries. There were also strange bubbling broths, odd-looking stews and evil-smelling pies.

  Nicola and the Space Brigade were treated like royalty. People brought them food and drinks, and offered to rub their feet.

  ‘You saved our planet!’ they said. ‘How can we ever repay you?’

  ‘Oh, we don’t need anything,’ said Nicola, and then she caught sight of Silent Fred watching the band playing. His face looked desperately sad and she remembered Joy telling them about his band, The Fleas.

  ‘Can anyone help give Silent Fred his voice back?’ she asked.

  The call went out through the crowd and minutes later Barbie Banks came running, the siren around her forehead wailing. She pulled out a large bottle labelled TONGUE BURN TONIC.

  ‘You’ll need the whole bottle,’ she said. Silent Fred drank it, while Joy looked on anxiously. He smacked his lips and handed the bottle back to Barbie.