by Chloe Garner
“Cold,” he said, shuddering again. “Cold.”
“It’s okay,” she said.
It was just him and her. The apartment was dim, just a streetlight across the street and a very occasional set of headlights as people went to base for early duty, and it was easy to imagine there was no one else anywhere.
She held him against her, listening to his breath.
He’d given up.
Three times.
That’s how bad this was.
She wondered if it was immoral to keep bringing him back, when he so clearly wanted it to be over, but yet she clung to each new ragged breath, sometimes counting between inbreaths. At eight, she’d signal Cassie and at fifteen… At fifteen, Olivia’s job was to track his pulse and be ready to do chest compressions.
Again.
Another shuddering breath, his whole frame shaking, and she tucked the blanket tighter around him.
“It’s going to get better,” she said. “I promise. It’s going to get easier.”
He turned hard, his shoulders and the rest of his body thrashing, trying to get away from something, and she pulled her head away, trying not to let him hit her in the face, but she didn’t let go of him this time. Getting him back up off of the floor wasn’t easy, when he went completely limp, and it was even harder when he wouldn’t bend at all.
“Space,” he said.
“Did you see space?” she asked, putting her hand across his forehead.
“Everywhere,” he said. “Cold.”
He swayed, his head bobbing and she pulled her face away again, but he didn’t go. She waited. Waited.
Waited.
The next breath.
When she looked up again, the room was lit. It wasn’t bright, but she could see all of the furniture clearly, where she hadn’t been able to before.
Cassie mimed coffee? and Olivia nodded. In between panic attacks, she was exhausted.
She put her hand across Troy’s forehead again. His skin was the right temperature. For all she kept looking for signs of illness, he failed to produce any. It was just… he wasn’t there, and he didn’t want to be there.
She sighed, resting her cheek against the top of his head. It would be Cassie’s turn soon, and she would curl up on the armchair and close her eyes, listening to Troy breathe, listening to Cassie talk to him. Cassie would speak in other languages, talk about things that Olivia had never seen. Olivia had a hard time not feeling even more insecure, listening to the other woman speak, but she was here. She was doing what she could do. What happened tomorrow, she’d worry about tomorrow. She didn’t know if she could get over how close Cassie and Troy were. But Cassie hadn’t been wrong.
Olivia had had a lot of hours to think about that.
“Things are bad here,” Troy said. She nodded.
“They are.”
“I was in oceans,” he said. “All over the universe. Anywhere I wanted to be.”
“You remember?” she asked.
“I remember how blue the sea was where you found me,” he said. “And I remember that I was in my office in the middle of a meeting with the heads of the labs talking about priorities.”
“I can’t imagine,” Olivia said. He hadn’t moved, so neither did she.
“No,” he said. “It really was that boring.”
“How are you feeling?” Cassie asked gently, sitting down on the coffee table and resting her elbows on her knees.
“Cold,” he said. “Like I just woke up from the worst flu of my life.”
“That’s about right,” Cassie said. “You fitted together again?”
He took a breath and settled deeper onto Olivia’s shoulder.
“No,” he said. “But I’m not two pieces anymore, either.”
“All right,” Cassie said, looking Olivia in the eye. Was she okay? Olivia nodded. Cassie nodded back. “You said there was something you needed me to do.”
“Yeah,” he said. “There’s a foreign terrestrial woman down in Brazil. They’re using her as a slave, and I can’t get anyone to help me get her back.”
“Consider it done,” Cassie said. “But you have to promise me that you aren’t going to try to go back to work until you’re really ready.”
Troy sighed.
“Troy,” Cassie warned.
“They need me, Cass. If I don’t go back, they’re going to send out search parties. We had a Major get kidnapped at gunpoint by Secret Service agents,” he said. “It’s not possible for me to go AWOL. It will be an emergency.”
“If you go back to work before you’re ready for the stress, you will die,” Cassie said simply. “If you doubt me, ask Olivia.”
He shook his head.
“I don’t doubt you.”
Olivia looked at Cassie.
“The woman answering your phone,” Cassie said. “How good is she?”
“Conrad knows her,” Troy said. “She’s the best.”
Cassie nodded.
“I’ll get her to run interference for you. You don’t need a week. But you do need more than a day. You won’t be functional.”
“We have to stop the war,” he said.
“What war?” Olivia asked.
“The one the Band Rung almost stumbled into,” Cassie said softly. “He’s working on double timelines.” She looked at Troy. “We can’t. It’s not that kind of war. I did what I could, but the base needs you.”
“Base made its own problems,” he said. “There are innocent people dying.”
“Troy,” Cassie said evenly. “If you don’t get the jumper program sorted out, they’re going to shut it down. And the fact that I haven’t heard from Jesse yet says that there are bigger issues out there than just the base.”
“He’s looking for the missing foreign terrestrials,” Troy said. “Has been since you left.”
She nodded.
“That makes sense. We need to get all of this under control. If we still want to, we can talk about the war on Bay after that.”
Troy shuddered.
“I’m so cold.”
Cassie looked at Olivia.
“I don’t think he’s going to stop breathing on you again. You should watch him today, but by tonight he should be safe to sleep on his own. Can you do that?”
“You’re going?” Olivia asked. Cassie nodded.
“I need to go out and get the lay of things. You might be in trouble by the time you surface again. Things have gone that way before.”
“Slav,” Troy said.
“What about him?” Cassie asked, her tone shifting hostile.
“He’s here,” Troy said. “He was busy, or else I’d have gotten him to bring me here. He can help cover for me.”
Cassie nodded slowly, then more quickly.
“When you’re out of options, take the ones you’ve got,” she answered, then stood. “You’ve got this. Feed him when he’s hungry, let him take a shower if he wants one, but stay close. He could relapse, he could pass out, he could make a break for base when he thinks you’re not watching.”
“Not a prisoner,” he muttered. Olivia smiled against the top of his head. He was going to be okay. She nodded.
“Okay,” she said, and Cassie started toward the door.
“Hey, Cassie?” Olivia asked, turning her head to look over her shoulder at the Palta woman.
“Yeah?” Cassie asked, her hand on the doorknob.
“Maybe,” Olivia started, shocking even herself at what she wanted to say next. “Maybe if you go out again, and it isn’t… you know, dangerous like you always do, and there was science to do… Maybe I’d like to go again. Maybe.”
Cassie grinned nodded.
“You are sleep-deprived and not thinking straight,” she said. “But I’ll keep it in mind.”
*********
Cassie found the file in the locked drawer in Troy’s desk. She spent a few minutes looking around at the office. She could still smell the leather and cigar scents from General Thompson’s many years as the ba
se commander, but it was buried under the smell of grease and steel from Donovan. Troy had only just begun to put his mark on the space, trading out the desk, adding couches, changing the chairs, but it took time to make a place remember him, and odds were very good he would be gone before it was actually his office, the way it belonged to the other two men.
Which was all for the best. Troy didn’t belong here. He could carry the burden, but there was a unique combination of capability and interest that made a good base commander, and he didn’t have the interest. He had the passion, certainly, but not the interest.
She’d get him back to the labs where he was free to come play with her more often. Just as soon as she helped him get everything back under control.
The fact that Jesse wasn’t here - hadn’t even jumped to check in, as far as she could tell - disturbed her. He’d known what the Lumps were and he hadn’t sounded that concerned, but it wasn’t like him to have a project take this long. She would have gone to find him, if it hadn’t been for the foreign terrestrial woman. The folder had the information Troy had, which would be enough to go get her and bring her back without a problem, but it was going to take time, and Cassie abhorred spending time on a single project at once.
No matter. There was nothing for it. Olivia was healthy, Troy was recovering, and they had each other. She’d woken Slav and he was on his way. Bridgette would be here any moment, by the calendar on her desk.
Cassie left the office, going to lean against the woman’s desk with an air of boredom in time for Bridgette to let herself into the front doors of the office, heels clicking on the hard floor. She stopped walking and Cassie looked up.
“You come highly recommended,” Cassie said.
“You’re Calista du Charme,” Bridgette answered.
“You get that by picture or by reputation?” Cassie asked.
“You’re on my desk,” Bridgette said. It wasn’t clear if that was the answer to Cassie’s question, but she grinned and stood, anyway.
“Troy isn’t coming in today,” she said. “I don’t know if he’s going to make it tomorrow or not.”
Bridgette looked up at her with sharp alarm, freezing mid-sit.
“What do you mean not coming in? This isn’t a day job.”
“No,” Cassie said. “Believe me, he cares about this base more than anyone else on it, as far as I can tell, and he wouldn’t no-show if it weren’t for very good reason.”
“That’s AWOL, and it’s prosecutable,” Bridgette said, sitting slowly. Cassie nodded.
“He has the flu.”
“So?” Bridgette asked.
Cassie blinked.
“They say you’re the best. I’m waiting for you to prove it.”
“You want me to lie for him?”
Cassie laughed. Tipped her head back to do it.
“You lie for a living, every time you pick up the phone,” she said. “You keep him separated from everything out here in the rest of the world, don’t let it touch him, don’t let him touch it. Got to, because if you didn’t, he’d try to fix it all. But you can’t pretend like lying isn’t on your resume.”
“Where is he?” Bridgette asked. “Really?”
Cassie licked her lips.
“At Secretary Young’s office,” she said. Bridgette looked at her with sharp eyes. Cassie nodded. It was a bidding game. Coaxing proof of information out of someone by giving information you shouldn’t have.
“He was there with Senator Greene,” Bridgette said. Cassie pursed her lips.
“Secretary Young retired the next day.”
“He didn’t,” Bridgette said. “He was forced out for gross incompetency.”
Could both be good guesses. Cassie couldn’t tell.
“Jesse was there.”
“Saved their lives,” Bridgette answered. Cassie raised her eyebrows.
“How?”
Bridgette’s nostrils flared, just for a moment.
“The foreign terrestrial there was afraid of him.”
Cassie nodded, sitting down on Bridgette’s desk again, loose now.
“For the record, you may be the best I’ve ever seen. I can’t actually tell when you’re lying, and I’m… well, that doesn’t matter. When the foreign terrestrials booby-trapped their dorm room, they split Troy into two selves. I went and dragged the other one home and Olivia Macon is at her apartment with him, making sure they knit and make up.”
Bridgette paused.
“You’re serious.”
Cassie raised her eyebrows and nodded.
“If you’ve got up-the-chain that needs to know it, you do what you have to do. Once he’s back in control of himself, it won’t be a secret to his chain of command, anyway, but we don’t want someone else stepping in and taking over, and we don’t want anyone to doubt his competency, now or ever. And… obviously… this doesn’t leave the eyes-only crowd, right?”
Bridgette nodded slowly.
“He changed.”
Cassie nodded back, hopping onto the ground and looking over at Slav.
“Cassie D.C.,” he said. “Never a dull moment.”
“Don’t call me that. You got his back?” she asked.
“Every day of the week,” he said. “You leave it to me and the ginger vixen. What are you up to?”
“I’ve got an alien slave to kidnap,” she said, holding up the folder.
“What is that?” Bridgette demanded. “Where did you get it?”
She winked at Slav and started for the door.
“You have never been sexier,” he said.
“I want to punch you in the stomach,” she answered. He grinned.
“Never did know how to take a compliment.”
“I’ll take it, the day you give me one,” she answered, backing through the door and out into the new morning.
*********
Gaming.
They were burning time, during non-business hours, and the three of them had a footprint in the gaming world that Jesse could track.
He sat back at the computer, crossing his arms.
“Gotcha.”
*********
Troy ached everywhere.
It was like waking up from several weeks of being drunk, only instead of having no clear memories, he had two. They had both been his body, his mind, his eyes, his self. He remembered exactly why he’d wanted to stay out, remembered why he’d doubted that being complete was wise, in terms of making pragmatic decisions on base.
Disagreed with them both like they were someone else’s opinion, even though he still felt both of them, at the same time. He should have been lonely, but he’d been too busy to be lonely. And he should have been worried about what was going to happen to the secondary portal staff, the foreign terrestrials, but he’d abandoned them to other people because they were unimportant.
He hadn’t been sleeping enough, and he remembered that he didn’t have more time than what he’d been using, but he was still ashamed of himself for neglecting those people like that.
He should have checked in with Jesse, thought about Jesse, but the Palta was on his own and cold-Troy hadn’t even paused to think about him because there was nothing Troy could do about what happened to him, either way.
It was sick, the way he’d looked at people. Even if every single decision had been right, he felt unclean, having been that person.
And Olivia.
He’d ignored her.
He’d devalued her, mentally, down to a mechanical evaluation of how they fit together.
He knew better than that, even without the lecture from Cassie.
He stood in the shower, leaning with a hand against the wall, just letting hot water run down his back and his face. He remembered the ocean. The way it felt like an infinite tunnel with shafts of sunlight darting down through it. He could go see any one of them he wanted at a thought. At a thought.
Cassie had been right that water would have confused him to the point that he might not have made it to a single self ag
ain.
“You okay?” Olivia asked. She wouldn’t let him close the bathroom door, and it made him feel patronized, but she did have a heavy cloth curtain, so at least he didn’t have to deal with her blushing at him when she checked on him.
She could do that in private.
“Yeah,” he answered.
“Do you want breakfast?”
“I need to get to base,” he said.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asked.
He looked at the wall, closing his eyes as hot water ran down the sides of his face.
“I gave you a full day, Olivia,” he said. “I need to get back.”
“She said you shouldn’t go back until you were really ready,” Olivia said.
How in hell was he supposed to know when he was ready? As far as he was aware, no human in the history of time had ever felt this way.
He hurt.
Cassie had said there would be pain, and that had certainly come through.
His shoulders, his elbows, his wrists, his fingers.
His neck, his spine, his hips. All the way through to the hot water running down his ankles and over his toes.
His jaw.
His eyes.
He remembered things he shouldn’t have.
Feelings he shouldn’t have had.
The Troy who had been here the whole time had been the real one. The one constrained by the laws of physics.
He remembered what it was like to not have mass.
To think his way from one place to another.
To see out of his skin, not just his eyes.
Everything that touched him, sound, smell, light, all of it. It didn’t matter whether he’d been looking at it, he saw it, he absorbed it and he knew it.
And Cassie had brought him back.
He wasn’t certain he completely understood why.
It was obvious. It was. He couldn’t have stayed as two like that and been the person he was, but it still felt like the right solution anyway…
He breathed through his mouth, water running down his nose and his cheeks, dripping off of his lips in torrents. It made him dizzy, that memory.
He shut the water off and turned away, rubbing his face off with his hands and just standing as the cold set in. With the door open, the bathroom didn’t trap heat, and it only took a few seconds.