by Melissa Blue
Ashley narrowed her eyes. “I assume you called him and he didn’t answer. That’s wrong in my book.”
“I didn’t call him.”
Ashley stared at her for a long moment. “He’s back from New York.”
That brought the memory of his text back. What was that yesterday? Or the day before? He also got ‘I’m fine’ text messages. “I told him to sleep off the jet lag.”
“Hmmm,” is all that Ashley said.
Iris didn’t think too hard about it. She was half asleep. By the time she heard the bedroom door close, darkness was pulling her deeper.
*****
Felt like days later, but only hours, Iris woke up feeling like...her old self. Pre-pregnancy self. Kind of. Her tits hurt. Her formerly-known-as-abs sagged. She’d given up on her hips.
Her stomach rumbled, but oh yeah, she probably had little scribbles around her body like they did in the cartoons when someone was dirty. Still, she laid there. It felt selfish to take a quiet moment, to not want to jump up immediately and put her mom hat on.
She was beat and sure she’d left some brain cells behind in the delivery room. Or maybe that had happened around the sixth month of pregnancy.
In that very moment though, she felt like Iris. She’d missed this woman. Iris was and wasn’t ready to go back to work. She didn’t want to leave Avery behind. She definitely didn’t want to miss any of the big moments ahead.
But Iris would be lying if she said she wanted to be with him twenty-four seven. She hadn’t lost her ambition to make Temp-to-Tech the new Silicon Valley. Iris was Avery’s mother. Iris was still Iris, just one who cried when her baby wouldn’t stop. She was the mother of Porter’s child, a man she missed so much she sometimes ached.
She laughed and refused to feel any shame about any of it. It was the truth. She could see it clearly now. Was it too late to apologize? Would Porter ever be able to look at her without a guarded gaze?
Her stomach rumbled again. Iris sighed. She couldn’t do anything, decide on what to do next with her life until she took care of herself. She ignored the hunger to shower. Best. Shower. Ever. She put on jeans instead of sweats. Frowned at her muffin top then put on tights and a long shirt that hugged her swollen tits.
When she was ready to face her friend and baby, Iris went into the living room. Aunt and nephew were watching Gumball. Of course Avery was content. He had his face resting on Ashley’s boobs, tucked snugly to her with a blanket.
Scared her voice would wake him, she only nodded to Ashley when the woman turned her head. Ashley put a finger to her lips.
Iris crept into the kitchen and made real food. She cleaned bottles in between. After that she did what her schedule said should have been done hours ago and straightened up the house.
Ashley refused to give up Avery after all of that and Iris settled on the couch beside her to watch the show. As though he could smell her—probably could because her boobs ached—he let out a tiny cry.
Ashley took her in. “Are you sure you won’t start crying again?”
“Can’t make promises.” She cradled Avery in her arms. He rubbed his face against her breast. The tingly sensation started, and she fed him before she leaked through her fresh shirt.
“It keeps hitting me that I’m a mom.”
“You are. So don’t take what I say next personally.”
Iris stiffened. “What?”
“Preface, I’m getting into the middle.”
Iris could only laugh. “You’ve showed great restraint.”
“I have to thank Victor for that. He’d give me this look as though he knew I was about to put my fat mouth into you and Porter’s business.”
She could guess what her friend had to say, but the list was long. “And?”
“You should have called him. Today. Before today. Weeks ago.”
Weeks? “What?”
“I can’t lie and say I get it. I don’t. Had you called Porter while he was in New York, crying the way you were crying, he would have taken the next flight out.”
“I know. He loves Avery.”
Ashley sighed. “He loves you, too.”
Iris loosened her hold on Avery, shifting him lower.. “He...cares for me.”
“No,” Ashley said, using her no-bullshit voice again. “I’ve known Porter all my life and I’ve never seen him with a woman the way he is with you. You come first. It’s why he hasn’t pushed about custody. It’s why he only comes over for a few hours. He knows you aren’t in the right head space for it. My brother, before you and Avery, would have been an epic dick. He would have tried to be nice at first, but he would have been a douche canoe with oars, weeks ago.”
“I know you want me to live happily ever after with your brother, especially because of Avery—”
“No!”
“Ash—”
“No. I’m not just ‘shipping you guys. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen you and Porter together. You’re both looking at each other with doe eyes and then looking away. It’s stupid that you guys can’t see what’s right there in your face. You love him and he loves you, and it’s not because of Avery. My brother drives you nuts and makes you happy. I want you both to be happy and stop being so damn stubborn.” Ashley stood. “I’ve said my peace. I’m leaving. If you need help, call him. Only call me if he doesn’t answer the phone. And don’t be a chickenshit and call your sister.”
“Ash—”
“No.”
Iris laughed, filled with so much love for her best friend. “I can see you feel strongly about this.”
“Because two of the people I love are hurting and hurting each other in the process. I get why he’s sitting on his hands.”
“I was a dick to him often?”
“There’s that. Do you feel sorry for it?”
“He’s nothing like my dad. So, yeah. I wish I could take back a lot when it comes to Porter.”
Ashley blinked. “I could have told you he wasn’t.”
“Ashley.”
“What?”
Iris pulled Avery away from her breast to burp him before switching sides. “I’ll think about what you said.”
“Do more than think. Asking him for help, to be there for you—not just Avery—is better than any apology.” Ashley gave her air kisses and swooped out like some twisted Mary Poppins.
Once again it was her and Avery. Alone.
The thing was, Iris didn’t have to be. They didn’t have to be. There was a man in their life who cared—loved them both. A man she could rely on without having to ask. And no matter how shitty she’d been to him a time or twenty, he’d never lashed out to make her feel the same way. By no means were her hormones steady. Her body wasn’t hers. Her mind was clearing bit by bit, and her emotions remained the same.
She missed Porter. She missed herself when she was with Porter. That Iris laughed, felt blinding lust, ate with gusto without a worry. She actually compromised, and it didn’t feel like she was losing a bit of herself in the process.
That Iris was happy. She felt cared for.
Avery let out a big burp and no milk followed. She rested him on her lap and met his gaze. His eyes were brown and green and focusing on her more and more each day. Sometimes she’d look at him and love would dig in so hard, so deep she couldn’t find her breath. Sometimes she’d look at Porter and feel that same sharp edge—loving him so much it hurt physically.
They were her family.
She hadn’t imagined her life like this. Actually, Iris had avoided having this kind of existence. Iris 2.0 wouldn’t trade her life for anyone else’s. She had everything. Except for one person.
She met Avery’s gaze. “How about we go see your daddy? I can start with an apology...then...we’ll see how things go after that.”
He gave her nothing but a gum smile and burped again.
She chuckled. “Please wait until we get there before you poop.”
*****
Porter had his car keys in his hand when the doorbell rang. He
hoped it wasn’t one of the guys. He had every intention of going over to Iris’s, and maybe talking her into moving in with him. She was going back to work soon. He’d be taking over the care of Avery. She needed the room.
And...Porter needed her. Both of them. ‘Cause this shit, where he only saw the people he loved for hours at a time, was driving him up the fucking wall. He wouldn’t say the last part out loud unless she seemed receptive. Lately, he couldn’t tell. She’d smile at him, a little blurry around the edges and go to her room to sleep. That’s all he had to go on—she was happy to see him.
So he’d go to her house, settle in with Avery and ask just how happy would she be to...live with him. They could go from there, because JFC, he ached for her. He had proof time wouldn’t make how he felt go away.
The doorbell rang a second time.
He opened the door, ready to tell one of the Goon Squad to keep it moving, and had to blink twice. Iris’s hair was a wild mass of curls that still looked wet from the shower. She wore jeans and a shirt that she filled out nicely. He got stuck on her hips and then her breasts. Porter made it to her face and held his breath. She looked rested, but her eyes were a little wide like she was scared. Avery rested in the carrier she held in her left hand.
“Busy?” she asked.
“Come in.” He reached for the carrier. She relinquished it without a fight. That worried him. “You guys okay?”
“Yes and no. I had a crisis earlier. I’m here to apologize. I’ve called you a walking vibrator once and you should have written me off then and there. You didn’t. I’m sorry.”
That...threw him off. “Apology accepted.” He held up his hand. “What crisis?”
She rolled her hand. “Avery was crying and I was crying. I, apparently, smelled. It was ugly.”
His hold tightened on the carrier. “Why didn’t you call me?”
Iris let out a self-deprecating laugh. “That’s what Ashley said.”
“You called my sister instead of me?”
“I know. I know.”
And Porter believed her sincerity. Something had changed with Iris and he couldn’t put his finger on it. Maybe she didn’t seem so guarded as though she was waiting for him to hurt her somehow.
“You’re here now,” he said.
“I’m trying to be less pigheaded. Also, your sister had the same reaction. I didn’t realize how much you guys are alike until recently.” She glanced around then sniffed. “You’ve been cooking?”
“Steak and pasta.”
Her eyes lit. “Got—”
“I have enough to feed six, you can have some.” He held up his free hand. “Why did you call Ashley?”
She dragged a hand through her hair. “Because sometimes I can be a little too independent for my own good.” She moved forward and put a hand on his chest. “And sometimes I can be in deep, deep denial. I kept telling myself I didn’t need you. I shouldn’t lean on you more than...whatever half-baked reasons I had.” She paused. “What kind of pasta?”
“Rotini with pesto.” He brought the carrier over by the couch and gave Iris his full attention. He wanted to know what she’d meant, except she was headed for the kitchen. Of course.
She stopped at the counter. He’d taken apart his Rubik to clean it. “I actually learned how to put one of those back together.”
“You did? When?”
“I took one of yours, accidentally stepped on it. I thought I broke it, but I channeled you and fixed it. You’re good at that.”
“Solved it, yet?”
“Hell, no.” She laughed then moved to the fridge.
He bent over to take Avery out of the carrier. Their son was not happy with that. “It’s okay, buddy. We’re going to feed mama. You should know how she gets when she’s hungry.”
“I heard that,” she said.
Porter smiled at Avery. “See.” He followed her path into the kitchen. “Everything is—”
“On the top shelf, on the left. It’s where you always put the fresh leftovers. The older stuff that has maybe or day or two left, gets put on the second shelf. You’re finicky, but predictable, in a good way. A way I like.”
That was—he didn’t know what to do with that. “I like things to be in order.”
“Except you’ve been great with me and Avery. I’m a mess, and Avery’s a baby who hates schedules. And sleeping at night. And me.”
Amused, he chuckled. “He doesn’t hate you.”
“He screams at the top of his lungs with me. You, he coos.”
“Avery,” Porter said in an admonishing tone, and Avery cooed. He laughed. “If it makes you feel any better, my mom told me I did the same with her.”
“I’m trying not to take it too personally.” She pulled out the Tupperware. “Want some?”
“Just ate.” He settled in at the table, loving how right it felt to have her back here in his home. To have her and Avery taking up space in his empty house. Already, she was making a mess of things. How much he’d missed that.
“I was thinking,” he said, keeping one eye on her and one on Avery. “You’re going back to work next week.”
“I am. We should talk about that.”
His stomach clenched. “We should.”
She spooned pasta onto her plate. “I know you, there has to be garlic bread with this pasta.”
“Ate it all.”
She gave him a faux shocked expression. “Porter! You made steak, pasta and garlic bread. You weren’t going to bring me any. How selfish.”
“I wasn’t thinking about food,” he told the truth.
She plated the steak next. “Then what were you thinking about?”
Iris had come over, not to eat. She’d come without him offering sex. She hadn’t brought a baby bag, either so that meant…she planned to stay for a while, knowing he had everything here.
He pulled Avery closer to his chest. “I was thinking about you.”
She glanced up at him, biting her bottom lip then she smiled. “You were?”
“Like I said, we should talk. You’re going to work. I’m going to take over with Avery.” He swallowed and said the next, keeping his face free of emotion, “It makes sense, until he’s a little older, for you to move in. That way you won’t have to go back and forth between my home and yours.”
“Move in?” she said slowly.
“Avery already has his own room. You can have mine.”
“Will you be sleeping in the room with Avery?”
“Couch,” he said because she’d narrowed her eyes on him.
“That sounds reasonable.” She slid her plate into in the microwave. “It sounds full of shit, but reasonable.”
Silence followed, because yeah, he hadn’t expected her to say yes right away. He hadn’t expected her to see through the pragmatism so easily though. He sighed, and looked into Avery’s eyes. His son gave him a gummy grin. He would do anything for his boy, and he would do anything for the woman standing in his kitchen. He had to give her the words.
“Iris?”
She turned to him, her brows up and he would swear a smile fighting to come out. “Porter?”
“I want you to move in because I want you and Avery here with me.”
She put a hand to her stomach and blew out a breath. “Are you still falling for me?”
He didn’t let his mind linger on all the ways things could go wrong with what he said next. “No.”
She blinked, looking stricken. “No?”
“I love you. No more falling.”
He waited. The microwaved dinged and she turned to get her plate, still not saying anything in reply. She grabbed utensils then sat next to him at the table.
Finally she said, “Do you love me because of Avery?”
“Yes and no.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means there’s no way I can separate the fact you gave me him. I’m going to love you for that, forever.”
She nodded, her expression somber. “I can understand t
hat.” She reached forward, cupping their son’s head. “And the other part?”
“I love how horribly you sing in the shower.”
Her face lit with her laugh. “You heard me all that time?”
“You sing like you mean it. You gave me so much shit for the way I treated Ashley and all of it was well-deserved. I love you’ll be a gladiator for the people you care about. I’m a better man when I’m with you, but the important part of that is I want to be a man who never makes you feel small.”
“Porter,” she murmured, blinking to hold back tears.
“I want to build a life with you.”
She moved her hand to his forearm where lines etched his skin. “What’s the blueprint?”
“Something unbreakable, but you should know I’m really good at fixing shit.”
She sniffed. “I’m trying not to cry. I hate it.”
“I know.”
“But I want a life with you, Porter. I don’t need you to be perfect. I need you to be you. I need you to teach our son what it means to be a man. I want you to be mine. It’s not the hormones.”
He leaned forward and put his palm to her forehead. She laughed and swatted at him. “You’re such a smartass.” She smiled. “I love you, Porter.”
He didn’t know how much he needed to hear those words until she’d said them. “Yeah?”
“I really do, and I’m okay with it. No one is more shocked by that than me. Yet when I look at my future, all I want is for you to be in it.”
“What’s the first thing you want to do as a newly minted couple with a baby?”
“You can teach me how to do a Rubik’s cube. I’ve tried for eons, and I’m just not getting it.”
“What else?”
“Finish this plate of food.”
“And?”
“Sleep.”
He knew she was pulling his leg, but... “Iris, I love you but you drive me nuts sometimes.”
She laughed again. “I figure at some point we’ll get naked.”
“Top or bottom?”
“Both.” Her lips pulled into a purse. “Thanksgiving is in a few days.”
“Is that your way of asking me to reveal my dark secret and cook?”
She leaned forward, curling her fingers around his nape. “I’m asking you to make us a family.”