He kept sitting up to examine his wounded leg—bending close, squinting, pushing at the swollen tissue with his finger. The vine was inside him. Mathias had cut it out, but there was still some in there. Eric could feel it—he was certain of it—yet the others refused to listen. They were ignoring him, dismissing him, and the vine was starting to grow; it was starting to grow and eat, and when it was done, Eric would be just like Pablo, his legs stripped clean of flesh. He and the Greek weren’t going to leave this place alive; they were going to end up as two more of those green mounds scattered across the hillside.
The tent was where it had happened—so why was he back in the tent? Jeff was the reason: he’d told him to come inside here, to rest, as if rest were still possible now. But that was because Jeff didn’t believe him. He’d spent a few seconds looking at Eric’s knee, and that wasn’t long enough, not nearly; he hadn’tseen it. Or maybe you couldn’t see it, no matter how long you looked; maybe that was the problem. Eric knew the truth because he could feel it; there was something awry inside his leg, something moving that wasn’t himself, but a thing foreign to him, with goals all its own. Eric wished he could see it, wished Jeff and the others could see it, too; everything would be better if they could only see it. He shouldn’t be here in the tent, where it had happened, where it might happen again. He shouldn’t be alone.
He surprised himself by standing up. He limped to the flap and stooped through it, into the sunlight. Stacy was beside the lean-to. They’d constructed a little sunshade for her, using some of the leftover poles and nylon from the other tent, fashioning this debris into a battered-looking sort of umbrella. She was sitting in the dirt beneath it, cross-legged, facing Pablo at an oblique angle, so that she could watch over him without actually having to look at him. No one wanted to look at Pablo anymore, and Eric understood this—he didn’t want to look at the Greek, either. What troubled him was the sense that the others were beginning to include him, too, in their zone of not seeing. Even now, as he dropped to the ground beside her, Stacy’s gaze remained averted.
Eric reached, took her hand, and she let him, but passively, her muscles limply inert, so that it felt as if he were holding an empty glove. They sat for a few moments without speaking, and in this brief silence Eric almost managed to achieve a sort of peace. They were just two people resting in the sun together—why shouldn’t it be this simple? It didn’t last, though, this momentary serenity; it fell away from him with the suddenness of something made of glass, shattering, and his heart leapt abruptly into his throat. He could feel the sweat rising on his skin, his grip on Stacy’s hand becoming slippery with it. He had to resist the urge to jump up and begin to pace. He could hear Pablo’s breathing—wet-sounding, unhealthy, like someone dragging a saw back and forth through a tin can—and he risked a quick glance at him, immediately regretting it. Pablo’s face had taken on an odd grayness, his eyes were closed and deeply sunken, and there was a thin string of dark liquid draining from the corner of his mouth, vomit or bile or blood—Eric couldn’t tell which.Someone should wipe it away, he thought, but he made no move to do this. And under the sleeping bag, of course, were Pablo’s legs, or what was left of them—the bones, the thick clots of blood, the yellow tendons. Eric knew the Greek couldn’t survive like this, stripped clean of flesh, knew Pablo was going to die, and wished only that it would happen sooner rather than later, now even—a blessing, a release,he thought—all the lies people utter around death in order to comfort themselves, to bury their grief with the body, but here, suddenly, they were true.Die, Eric said in his head.Do it now, just die. And all the while—yes,implacably, inexorably —the Greek’s breathing continued its ragged course.
Eric could hear the faint murmur of Jeff’s and Mathias’s voices, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. They were out of sight, somewhere farther down the hill, digging the latrine.
He squeezed Stacy’s hand; she still hadn’t looked at him. “So…” he began, tentatively, not certain if it was the right path, “there was this guy, and he had a vine growing inside him.”
Silence.She’s not going to answer, he thought. And then she did. “We got it out,” she said, her voice quiet. Eric had to lean to hear her.
“You’re supposed to say ‘but.’”
Stacy shook her head. “I’m not playing. I’m telling you he cut it out. It’s not inside you anymore.”
“But I can still feel it.”
She finally looked at him. “Just because you can feel it doesn’t mean it’s there.”
“But what if it is?”
“We can’t do anything about it.”
“So you admit it might be.”
“I’m not saying that.”
“But I canfeel it, Stacy.”
“I’m saying no matter what might be true, we just have to wait it out.”
“So I’m going to end up like Pablo.”
“Stop it, Eric.”
“But it’s inside me—it’s in my blood. I can feel it in my chest.”
“Please stop.”
“So I’m going to die here.”
“Eric.”
He fell silent, startled by the jump in her voice. She was crying. When had she begun to cry?
“Please stop, sweetie,” she said. “Can you do that? Can you calm down?” She wiped at her face with the back of her hand. “I really need you to calm down.”
Eric was silent.In my chest —where had that come from? He hadn’t realized it till he said it, but it was true. He could feel the vine inside his chest, a subtle yet definite pressure against his lower rib cage, pressing outward.
Stacy pulled her hand free from his grip, pushed herself to her feet, stepped across the clearing. She bent over Pablo’s pack, rummaged through it, dragged out one of the glass bottles, then started back toward him, opening it as she came. “Here,” she said, standing over him, offering him the tequila.
Eric didn’t take it. “Jeff said we shouldn’t drink.”
“Well, Jeff isn’t here, is he?”
Still not moving, Eric eyed the bottle, the amber liquid within it. He could smell the tequila, could feel its pull, which was mixed—illogically but inextricably—with his larger sense of thirst. He lifted his hand, took the bottle from her. It was the one they’d drunk from the previous afternoon, after their aborted crossing of the muddy field—a different world altogether, peopled by other versions of themselves, untouched and unknowing. He remembered Pablo standing before them, so full of laughter, offering the bottle, and with this image in his mind—more dream, it seemed, than memory—Eric tilted back his head and took a long swallow of the liquor. It was too much; he gasped, coughed, tears briefly blurring his vision. But it was good, too; it was the right thing. Without waiting to recover—just his breath, that was all he needed—he lifted the bottle to his lips again.
The only thing he’d eaten since yesterday morning was that tiny square of tuna fish and bread—he was dehydrated, exhausted—and he could feel the tequila within seconds, pleasantly enervating, letting him breathe, finally. It happened so quickly, like the plunge of a needle into a vein, a numbness, a slurred quality to his thoughts. He wiped his mouth on his forearm and surprised himself by laughing.
Stacy was still standing over him, the absurd-looking umbrella resting on her shoulder, enclosing him within its circle of shade. “Not too much,” she said, and when he raised the bottle for another swallow, she bent quickly and pulled it from his grasp.
She capped it, put it back in Pablo’s bag. Then she sat beside him, letting him take her hand again. The tequila burned in his chest, made his ears ring.Maybe they’re right, he thought.Maybe I’m overreacting. He could still feel something moving, wormlike, in his leg, and that odd pressure continued in his lower chest, but he could see now, as the liquor quieted the tumble of his thoughts, that none of this necessarily had anything to do with the vine. It was possible that he was simply frightened, that he was paying too much attention to his body. There was always s
omething odd to feel if only you stopped and searched for it.
“The miserable misery of the miser,” he said, the words coming to him suddenly, for no apparent reason.
“What?” Stacy asked.
Eric shook his head, waving it aside. There were three bottles of tequila, and he struggled to tilt his thoughts forward into the coming hours, rationing out the liquor sip by sip, like a bag dripping solace into a vein. The Greeks would be here soon, and everyone was going to be okay. What he needed to do now was sit, holding Stacy’s hand, and in a little while he’d be able to ask her for the bottle again. In that way, one small sip at a time, he believed he could make it through the coming day.
They didn’t have a shovel.
Jeff had found a sharp rock, shaped like a giant spearhead, big enough that he had to get down on his knees and use both hands to chop at the dry, hard-packed soil. Mathias used one of the metal stakes from the blue tent, stabbing the earth with it, grunting each time he swung his arm. When a sufficient amount of dirt was loosened in this manner, they stood up to kick it free, then paused for a few moments—catching their breath, wiping the sweat from their faces—before starting the whole process all over again.
It was hard work, and not going nearly as well as Jeff had hoped. He had an image in his mind: a hole four feet deep, just wide enough for someone to squat over it, one foot on either side, its walls dropping into the earth, perfectly perpendicular. It was possible Jeff had read a book that described such a thing, or seen a drawing of it somewhere, but this wasn’t what he and Mathias were creating here. At even a slight depth, the walls of their latrine began to collapse and crumble, so that it widened as quickly as it deepened. For it to be narrow enough to allow someone to squat above it, the hole would have to stop while it was still only two feet deep, which defeated the whole purpose, of course. A latrine that shallow wasn’t really a latrine at all; they might as well just continue to fumble through what Jeff had done earlier that morning, shuffling off into the vines and shitting, covering the mess with a parting kick of dirt.
Thinking this, Jeff realized the truth, what he should’ve known from the very start: it was a stupid idea. They didn’t need a latrine, even a well-made one. Sanitation wasn’t high on their list of problems just now, and no matter what might happen to them here, they’d be gone long before it became an issue of any urgency. Rescued, perhaps. Or dead. Jeff and Mathias were digging now not because it made any sense to be doing so, but because Jeff was floundering about, looking for something solid to cling to, some action to take, anything to keep from simply having to sit, helpless, and wait. Realizing this, accepting it, Jeff stopped digging, dropped back on his haunches. Mathias did, too.
“What are we doing?” Jeff asked.
Mathias shrugged, gesturing toward the sloppy, shallow ditch they’d managed to gouge out of the earth. “Digging a latrine.”
“And is there any point in that?”
Mathias shook his head. “Not really.”
Jeff tossed his stone into the dirt, wiped his hands on his pants. His palms burned—that green fuzz was growing on his jeans again. They all had it—on their clothes, their shoes—he’d seen each of them, at one moment or another, reaching to brush it away as they’d crouched together in the clearing.
“We could use it for the urine,” Mathias said. “To distill it.” He made a motion with his hands, spreading an imaginary tarp across the hole.
“And is there any point in that?” Jeff asked.
Mathias bridled at this, lifting his head. “You were the one who—”
Jeff nodded, cutting him off. “I know—my idea. But how much water will we get out of it?”
“Not much.”
“Enough to make up for whatever we’re sweating right now, digging like this?”
“I doubt it.”
Jeff sighed. He felt foolish. And—what else? Tired, maybe, but more than this: defeated. Perhaps this was despair, which he knew was the worst thing of all, the opposite of survival. Whatever it was, the feeling was on him now, and he didn’t know how to shake it. “If it rains,” he said, “we’ll have plenty of water. If it doesn’t, we’ll die of thirst.”
Mathias didn’t say anything. He was watching him closely, squinting slightly.
“I was trying to make work,” Jeff said. “Give us things to do. Keep up our morale.” He smiled, mocking himself. “I was even planning to drop back down into the shaft.”
“Why?”
“The beeping. The cell phone sound.”
“There’s no oil for the lamp.”
“We could make a torch.”
Mathias laughed, incredulous. “A torch?”
“With rags—we could soak them in tequila.”
“You see?” Mathias asked. “How German you are?”
“You’re saying there’s no point?”
“None worth the risk.”
“What risk?”
Mathias shrugged, as if it were self-evident. And perhaps it was. “Look at Pablo,” he said.
Pablo.The worst thing. Jeff hadn’t mentioned his idea yet, his plan to save the Greek, and he hesitated even now, wondering at his motives, how pure they were, how mixed. The possibility that he was simply, yet again, making work for them hovered at the edge of his mind, then was quickly dismissed. They could save him if they tried; he was certain of it. “You think he’s going to make it?” he asked.
Mathias frowned. When he spoke, his voice went low, almost inaudibly so. “Not likely.”
“But if help came today—”
“Do you believe help is coming today?”
Jeff shook his head, and they were silent for a stretch. Mathias picked at the dirt with his stake. Jeff was working up his courage. Finally, he cleared his throat, said the words. “Maybe we could save him.”
Mathias kept probing at the dirt, not even bothering to glance up. “How?”
“We could amputate his legs.”
Mathias went still, watching Jeff now, smiling at him, but uncertainly. “You’re joking.”
Jeff shook his head.
“You want to cut off his legs.”
“He’ll die if we don’t.”
“Without anesthesia.”
“There wouldn’t be any pain. He has no feeling beneath his waist.”
“He’d lose too much blood.”
“The tourniquets are already in place. We’d cut below them.”
“With what? You don’t have any surgical instruments, any—”
“The knife.”
“You’d need a bone saw—a knife wouldn’t do a thing.”
“We could break the bones, then cut.”
Mathias shook his head, looking appalled. It was the most emotion Jeff had ever seen on his face. “No, Jeff. No way.”
“Then he’s dead.”
Mathias ignored this. “What about infection? Cutting into him with a dirty knife?”
“We could sterilize it.”
“We don’t have any wood. Or water to boil. Or a pot, for that matter.”
“There are things to burn—those notebooks, the backpacks full of clothes. We could heat the knife directly in the flames. It’ll cauterize as it cuts.”
“You’ll kill him.”
“Or save him—one or the other. But at least there’s a chance. Would you rather sit back and watch him die over the coming days? It’s not going to be quick—don’t trick yourself into thinking that.”
“If help comes—”
“Today, Mathias. It would have to come today. With his legs exposed like that, septicemia’s going to set in—maybe it already has. Once it gets going, there’ll be nothing anyone can do.”
Mathias started picking at the dirt again, hunched into himself. “I’m sorry I brought us here,” he said.
Jeff waved this aside; it seemed beside the point. “We chose to come.”
Mathias sighed, dropped the tent stake. “I don’t think I can do it,” he said.
SSmith - Ruins Page 22