How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage

by Mrs Stephen Fry

  The girl that’s driving the bus

  Is going my way.

  I’ve got no ticket to ri-hide,

  She’s pulling off to the si-hi-hide,

  Think someone’s gonna get Fryed,

  But I’m not scared.

  She says she’d noticed me there,

  When I rang her bell, yeah,

  I asked ‘Can I go all the way?’

  And she answered ‘Hell, yeah.’

  She’s kinda tickety-boo-hoo,

  She’s kinda tickety-boo-hoo-hoo,

  She’s kinda tickety-boo

  I guess she’ll do.

  I don’t know what she does with her tongue,

  I’m worried she’ll bite,

  But that is alright by me,

  That thing with the courgette’s just plain wrong,

  It doesn’t feel right,

  It makes me feel quite queasy.’

  My body froze. So, the only reason he kept appearing near the bus station wasn’t because he was interested in me at all. I was merely a victim of his silly pranks – an amusing distraction while he waited for his real love – the lady who drove my bus! Suddenly the band’s tune took on a melancholy air as my mind began to supply its own lyrics…

  I think I’m going to be sick,

  I found out today, yes,

  That chap who gets on my wick,

  Has started to stray.

  He’s got a secret to hi-hide,

  He’s taking me for a ri-hi-hide,

  He’s got a bit on the side

  And that’s not fair.

  I don’t know what he sees in that girl,

  She doesn’t drink right,

  Stand at the sink right like me,

  He’s living in his own little world,

  If he can think that

  I’d let him do that to me!

  Before I knew it I was standing back out in the street, my head swimming. I was about to make a move for the bus station when I felt a strong hand grip my shoulder. I swivelled round to see…him. I tried to speak but I was too upset, too embarrassed to make a noise. I simply stared blankly as he smiled weakly and opened his mouth…

  ‘I think I’d better explain,

  It’s the right thing to do, yeah,

  From now, I’m getting the train,

  I’ll do it for you.

  She’s kinda tickety-boo-hoo,

  She’s kinda tickety boo-hoo-hoo,

  She’s kinda tickety-boo

  But she’s not you.’

  I blinked hard. It must have been a reflex following all that grit. I took a deep breath and replied coldly…

  ‘I don’t know why you’re keeping in touch,

  That girl you undressed

  Is of no interest to me.

  I think you’ve had one lager too much,

  I’ve my best frown on,

  Why are you down on one knee…?’

  The next few minutes are a bit of a blur. The next thing I remember is staring at the sparkling jewel on my finger and then down at my new fiancé, rocking slightly as he sang quietly to himself…

  ‘I think I’d better get up,

  I think I might cry, yeah,

  Soon as she signs the pre-nup,

  She’ll be Mrs Fry, yeah

  I’ll take it all in my stri-hide,

  This time there’s nowhere to hi-hi-hide

  I’m gonna make her my bride,

  But I’m not scared.

  Well, maybe I’m scared,

  Well, maybe I’m scared,

  Well, maybe I’m scared…’

  I helped him to his feet as he repeated himself and slowly faded away…

  chapter two

  The Big Day

  THE RING

  Please note, this section refers to the choosing, purchase and giving of the engagement ring, not the Hollywood remake of the hugely successful horror movie about deceased Korean girls climbing out of television sets.

  Buying an engagement ring for your future fiancé can be a daunting exercise. Should you opt for a traditional or contemporary design? What stone should you choose?

  How much should you spend? How big is her finger? There’s no need to panic but these are all questions you need to answer in order to ensure the proposal and possible subsequent marriage aren’t a complete disaster. But don’t fret, dear, Edna is here to help…

  So, traditional or contemporary? Well, this really depends on your girlfriend/significant other/whatever you young people are calling it these days. Is she a traditional or contemporary kind of person? If she likes reading Jane Austen, listening to Beethoven and playing the lute, she’s probably traditional. If she likes reading Heat magazine, listening to N’Dubz and playing Grand Theft Auto, she probably leans more to the contemporary side. Traditional rings tend to be more ornate and often contain clusters of smaller stones, whereas a contemporary design is often simpler and sleeker with just a single stone. Either way, you have a further choice to make – what type of stone?

  When picking a stone, you have a myriad of options – rubies, sapphires, emeralds, diamonds and so on. In my opinion, however, nothing says I love you better than something from the Post-Midnight-What-a-Gem Channel’s Cubic Zirconium range. But with such a vast array, how on earth can you make a decision? To make things easier reduce your options – you can dismiss anything too large as it can appear a little gaudy, such as napkin rings and swans. You can probably also discount ankle bracelets and toe rings. When choosing a diamond, experts will tell you to be guided by the four Cs – Carat, Clarity, Colour and Cut. When choosing cubic zirconium, if you remember the four Rs – Reduced, Rust-free, Returnable and Round – you won’t go far wrong.

  Now to answer what can be the most awkward and yet most important question. How much should you spend on an engagement ring? This can depend on a few factors – how romantic you are, your financial situation, and whether you want your partner to say yes or not. The generally accepted rule is you should spend between one and three months’ salary – or in Stephen’s case, social security payments. Any more could be vulgar and financially crippling, any less could be construed as sarcastic. Fortunately for Stephen, just before he was about to buy my engagement ring he had a rather large win at the 3.15 at Chepstow. Unfortunately for Stephen, I found the betting slip and he had to spend the winnings on my engagement ring instead of jet-ski lessons and a share in a greyhound.

  And so we come finally to the issue that has plagued prospective husbands for centuries – size. It’s all very well picking out the perfect engagement ring, but it loses its romantic sheen if your fiancé has to wear it on her thumb or through her nose.

  So, assuming you wish your proposal to be a wonderful surprise and not a hollow, pre-planned event hinting at a marriage filled with empty predictability, how do you ensure that when you pop the question and place that ring on your loved one’s finger, it will make it past the first knuckle? I have to say that my very own Stephen, bless him, came up with an ingenious answer – eventually. Before he had his eureka moment, however, I found my ring finger being thrust variously into a ball of Plasticene, a tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and, on one occasion, a can of baked beans. While most women might have found this all a little confusing, if not downright disturbing, it pretty much fell within the normal parameters of behaviour for Stephen and so I suspected nothing. Finally, after countless unsuccessful attempts, he hit on his master plan.

  One Sunday morning, I woke to find my finger in Stephen’s mouth. Again, there was nothing especially odd about this – particularly on a Sunday morning – however, when I finally managed to remove it, instead of following his usual routine, he leapt out of bed, pulled on his leather trousers and Batman t-shirt and dashed out of the house, his lips fixed in a small circle. Unfortunately, Stephen had forgotten that the jewellers weren’t open on a Sunday and so wa
s forced to spend the next 24 hours with a ridiculous bewildered look on his face. Again, I suspected nothing.

  Finally, in case you ladies were feeling left out, there is a recent move towards parity, presumably created by the marketing department of the British jewellery manufacturing industry – Mengagement rings. Call me old-fashioned but I can’t help but see this as a disturbing trend – whatever next? Manscara? Misterectomies? Chapstick?

  THE PROPOSAL

  Asking a loved one, or anyone, to marry you can be a traumatic business – this is why we women generally leave it to the man. I can remember Stephen proposing to me as if it were yesterday – no matter which medication I try. I can still see him now, on that empty, moonlit street, getting up on one knee and uttering those immortal words – ‘Edna, my darling. I love you more than anything in the world. Would you do me the enormous honour of consenting to carry me home? You’re my best mate, you are.’

  Granted, it wasn’t a conventional proposal (like so many men, Stephen finds it difficult to express himself where matters of the heart are involved – or after 12 pints of Stella) but I knew exactly what he meant, the dear romantic soul. Having said that, it still came as a bit of a surprise, as up to that point the most romantic question he’d asked me was ‘have you done with those chips?’. In fact, I think Stephen even surprised himself, feigning complete ignorance the following morning – he’s such a tease. He even claimed he hadn’t bought me an engagement ring, the big silly. As it turned out, he hadn’t, but a girl can’t have everything and I knew he would get me one as soon as he could afford it. For now, our love was enough. For now…

  Of course, there are additional pressures should you and your partner happen to be a celebrity couple like Stephen and myself (although admittedly, I’m the only actual celebrity – Stephen’s just my trophy husband. Not as in the World Cup or Wimbledon, you understand – more like one of those plastic Oscars you can purchase from fancy dress shops). Television news programmes still regularly replay the sadly prophetic words spoken by HRH Prince Charles on the occasion of his first engagement. When asked ‘Do you love Diana?’ his famous, somewhat hesitant response was ‘Of course…whatever love is’.

  By contrast, Stephen was far more forthright at our engagement party when somebody asked him ‘Do you love Edna?’.

  ‘Of course!’ he announced, wildly waving a bottle of champagne in the air, ‘…whoever Edna is.’

  THE WEDDING

  Unless you’re very careful, the cost of your big day can run to hundreds of pounds – money which could be better spent on a three-piece suite or Sky Plus. And here we come to the thorny issue of who pays for it all. Traditionally, it was the bride’s father’s responsibility to cover the cost of the wedding but nowadays, with spiralling costs, it’s more likely that it will be shared between both sets of parents, either by splitting everything equally or by one pair paying for the reception, photographer, dress etc and the other paying for the honeymoon. This second option is, however, a little unfair as whoever pays for the reception, flowers etc has the opportunity to enjoy them whereas very few couples tend to take either the bride or groom’s parents with them on their honeymoon.

  One option available to minor celebrity couples is to have a popular gossip magazine pay for their wedding, allowing them a lavish occasion at no expense plus additional much-needed publicity. Sadly, this option isn’t open to most couples although a little initiative can bring you similar advantages. The bride, for example, could negotiate a discount by offering to wear a wedding dress emblazoned with the name of the dress shop. At our own wedding, Stephen was sponsored by Kevin’s kebab van and the Kashmiri Palace – and our honeymoon was paid for by a company called Candid Camera Midnight Movies Ltd, although I’ve still no idea what they got out of it.

  A further option for those operating on a tight budget is to take out one of these new wedding day loans advertised on daytime television, but I recommend exercising extreme caution – the interest rate can be excessive and if you fail to pay the amount back within the allotted time, they will have no hesitation in taking your dress, ring and head bridesmaid as collateral.

  WHERE TO GET MARRIED

  These days, there are countless options open to the bride and groom other than the traditional church or registry office – couples can tie the knot while sky-diving, snorkelling and competing in the 400 metres hurdles. They can get married in a hotel, on the beach, on a football pitch (provided a match isn’t taking place or they’re really quick), even their own front room. They can even have a romantic movie-themed wedding such as An Officer and a Gentleman, Gone with the Wind and Reservoir Dogs. Being a thoroughly modern open-minded woman, I have no objections to such a frivolous approach to what should be the most significant day of your life. Stephen, however, is far more conservative. When we got married, he insisted on nothing less than the full traditional Elvis drive-thru wedding. Sadly, his window cleaner’s salary didn’t run to two tickets to Vegas, so he went on his own and we were married in the Aberystwyth Shakin’ Stevens Chapel of Love a few months later.

  It was a truly magical occasion. We walked down the aisle to the strains of This Ole House and when we reached the altar, the fully-quiffed vicar emerged from behind a green door in his drainpipe trousers and winkle-pickers. Of course, it wasn’t the real Shaky – he was one of the ushers – but his frantic hip action and profuse sweating made the event truly rock’n’roll, in every sense of the word. Well, the one sense of the word. Or words.

  WHO TO MARRY

  See Chapter One.

  THE INVITATION

  Once you have decided on a date, venue and potential spouse, the next stage is to send out the invitations (nb if you’re planning to elope, skip this step to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness). Of course, in order to do this, you must first draw up a list of wedding guests. If you are working to a tight budget, it’s important to be realistic. I would recommend limiting yourselves to immediate family and close personal friends – Elton John and Lady Gaga don’t come cheap.

  Invitations come in all shapes and sizes – you can splash out on tailor-made embossed designs or simply buy a pack from your newsagent. I wrote ours on the back of Stephen’s betting slips. Whatever you do, don’t forget to ask them for an RSVP (Really Strong Vodka, Please).

  THE DRESS

  Never mind all the pomp and ceremony, the I dos and the I-won’t-if-you-don’t-minds, the one thing everyone will be talking about before, during and after your wedding will be the dress – ‘What will it be like?’, ‘How much did it cost?’ and ‘How much?!?’.

  The wedding dress is the single most important and, in all probability, expensive item of clothing a woman will ever wear. Especially when you consider that, unless she’s a bridal wear model or psychologically disturbed, she’ll only wear it the once. Which all adds to the not inconsiderable pressure of choosing the right one. Off the shoulder or not? Too much cleavage or too little? Should you have a veil? A train? A matching handbag?

  And what colour should it be? Traditionally, the wedding dress was always white, reflecting the virginal nature of the bride. Nowadays, in our more permissive society, such a state can no longer be guaranteed. Of course I wore white for my wedding (it matched the baby) but today there are a whole host of possibilities – ivory, cream, fluorescent pink. Before making this crucial decision, I recommend asking for a small sample piece of material in each colour to match against your skin. If your dress shop or catalogue doesn’t offer this service, pop into B&Q and buy the corresponding match pots (remember also to purchase some thinner to remove the paint from your skin afterwards).

  Once you have settled on a dress colour, it’s time to pick a design. This can be easier said than done as not all women share my instinctive understanding of haute couture. Don’t worry, dears – I’m here to help. Firstly, you want a style that will suit your body shape. Again, not many women share my perfect hourglass fi
gure so it’s vital you choose a dress tailored to make the most – or least – of whatever nature has provided you with. The slimmer lady can cope with a close-fitting, simple design whereas with the fuller figure, the more bows, ruffles and feathers the better, provided you can still fit down the aisle.

  The length of the dress is another important aspect to think about. If the lady concerned is taller than average she should go for a relatively longer cut (unless she’s Mrs Norton). If she’s shorter in stature then the opposite. Being a taller lady myself (Stephen refers to me as his Spamazon), I know only too well the importance of the right length of garment although one shouldn’t go too long at the risk of appearing overly ostentatious. Also try to avoid what I call ‘the meringue effect’ in which the bride catches her heel in the hem and ends up in the raspberry pavlova.

  And remember! It’s essential that your husband-to-be doesn’t see the dress before the wedding. If he does, he might go online and find out how much it cost before it’s too late.

  GROOMWEAR

  By contrast, the task of the groom is much easier as he only has to decide where to buy his suit and even this decision is often made for him by his budget – Hugo Boss, Top Man or Suits’R’Us. There are options, however, to add a little flair – or flares, in Stephen’s case. Cravats, cufflinks and cummerbunds are just some funny words beginning with C.

  A wedding provides a chance for the groom to celebrate his ancestry. If he is of Scottish descent, he can opt for a kilt in his family tartan. Stephen has Irish roots so he wore a shamrock in his buttonhole and his most Guinness-stained jeans.

  One extra little luxury a groom can indulge in prior to the wedding is a professional shave. This doesn’t come cheaply but I know Stephen thoroughly enjoyed it and by all accounts so did the professional lady he shaved.