How could he look into the man’s eyes, knowing that it was he who had been leading that squad? It was Jack’s decisions that had eventually brought about what had happened to Kevin. If they’d zigged instead of zagged, what might have changed? A man could drive himself crazy with thoughts like that.
How could Kevin not still blame him?
Jack had spent months trying to get past the memories of that one fateful day and hadn’t been able to do it. How much more difficult was it for Kevin to try to move past it when every day he was faced with a physical reminder of his own limitations?
“Jack,” Kevin said quietly, as if he knew exactly what his friend was thinking, feeling, remembering. “You don’t have to do this. Don’t have to feel bad for me. I’m fine. Really.”
Now, looking into his old friend’s eyes, Jack couldn’t find any blame there, any anger. And that alone surprised him enough that he couldn’t get his head straight.
Jack felt Rita give his hand a squeeze and he appreciated it. “I can see that. I’m glad for it.”
“Now all you have to do is accept it.” His friend nodded, kept his eyes fixed on Jack’s. “Took me a long time, I admit it. For weeks after it happened, I’d wake up and try to swing my legs out of bed.” A rueful smile curved his mouth. “Could have sworn I felt them there.”
“Kevin—”
“I didn’t come here to make things harder for you, Jack.”
“Why are you here, then?” He managed to get the question out even though he was worried about the answer.
“To see you, you damn fool,” Kevin said, leaning back in his chair, shaking his head. “You never answered the email I sent you two months ago. Hell, you never even opened it.”
“Yeah.” Jack nodded. “Sorry about that. I just—”
“I get it,” Kevin said. “You still should have read it, though. Would have saved me a drive up from San Diego.”
Jack smiled at that. He and Kevin had formed a friendship at first because they were both from Southern California. Just a couple hours away from each other by freeway, so they’d had a lot of the same experiences. They’d formed a tighter bond, of course, as all military in combat did, but it had begun on the California connection.
“So,” Kevin was saying, waving one hand at the chair and his missing legs, “a lot of things have changed. Obviously.”
Jack watched his friend, looking for some sign of anger or bitterness or blame and couldn’t find any. Instead, he looked...comfortable in his skin. In that chair.
“But, hey,” Kevin added, smiling at Rita. “Looks like you’ve had some pretty big changes, too. You’re married now, having a baby.”
Jack glanced at Rita, and when she smiled at him, he felt that tug of guilt again. Kevin couldn’t know that this was a temporary arrangement. And there was no way Jack would let him know. He forced himself to look back to Kevin. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I’m better than okay.” Kevin shook his head and gave Jack a wry smile. “If you’d bothered to open the damn email I sent you like two months ago, you would have known that.”
Jack ran his free hand across his jaw. “I know. I’m sorry. I should have. I just didn’t want to go over what happened again.”
“Hey,” Kevin said softly, “neither do I. Look, Jack, last time I saw you, things were a little...tense.”
Jack laughed shortly and held on a little more tightly to Rita’s hand. “You could say that.”
“Why don’t I go make some coffee?” Rita looked at both men. “I’ll give you guys some time to talk.”
“Not necessary,” Kevin told her. “I can’t stay long, anyway, so don’t go to any trouble for me.”
“Stay, Rita,” Jack said, looking into her eyes. He wanted her there. It surprised him to acknowledge just how much he wanted her beside him. Seeing Kevin again, watching him maneuver that wheelchair, tore at Jack and damned if he didn’t want the connection to Rita to help him get through it.
When the hell had that happened? When had he started counting on her?
“If you’re worried I’m here to cuss you out again for saving my butt, don’t be.” Kevin moved the chair in closer and linked his gaze to Jack’s. “I remember it all, you know?”
“Yeah. I know.” So did he. Every damn night, he remembered it. He always would.
Kevin smiled, nodded. “’Course you do. Hard to forget something like that—you doing your best to save me while I’m telling you to shoot me.”
“Kevin—”
“Nah, man,” he said, holding up one hand to keep Jack quiet. “I’m not here to go over it all again.” He grinned. “Once was enough, trust me. I just wanted to say thank you.”
“What?” Confused now, Jack just stared at him.
“Well, that surprised you,” Kevin said wryly. “Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for saving me even when I was too stupid to want to be saved.” He blew out a breath, dragged his fingers through his hair. “I swear, being furious at you got me through those first few days.”
Jack nodded, took a breath and held it.
“But one day I realized that I like breathing,” Kevin said. “So I started being less mad at you.”
“Glad to hear it.”
Kevin shrugged. “I’m not saying it was easy, getting used to being shorter—”
Rita smiled and he winked at her.
“But I did. And I’m here to tell you, alive is better than dead.” Kevin held his hand out to Jack. “So thanks, man. Thanks for—hell. For everything.”
Jack took his hand and felt one or two of those straws of guilt fall from his shoulders. He still had plenty left of course, but there was a sigh of relief to know that at least some of the burden had been eased. And Kevin did look good. Yeah, he was in a chair, but he looked strong and well and, damn it, happy. Jack had worried about his friend, thought that maybe he’d never really find any kind of contentment again.
“You’re really okay.”
“I’m better than okay, dude.” Kevin slapped Jack’s shoulder. “Again, man. Read your emails.”
Rita squeezed Jack’s hand again and in spite of the easing of the tension within, he held on to her tightly. “So why don’t you just tell me what’s in the email?”
“Turns out you’re not the only one settling down. I’m getting married, can you believe it?” Kevin laughed, shook his head and said, “Lisa’s a nurse. Hell, she was my nurse at Walter Reed. I showed up there all full of myself and complaining and she just would not listen.” Still smiling, he continued, “The woman refused to let me bitch. She ignored my crappy moods and pushed me to come back to life when I really didn’t want to.”
Well, hell. Jack felt Rita’s hand in his and told himself that he and Kevin had a lot more in common than he would have guessed. Wasn’t that just what Rita had been doing to him for the last few weeks? Prodding, pushing, refusing to give up and go away.
“Anyway, Lisa’s a California girl—her folks live in Oceanside—weird, huh? Go halfway around the world to meet a girl who lived about twenty minutes from me?” Kevin laughed a little. “So I got along so well, they transferred me to a hospital out here and Lisa made the move, too. We’re getting married at my folks’ place.”
“Congratulations,” Rita said, giving Jack a nudge.
“Right, yeah. I’m happy for you, man.”
“Hey, there’s more. We’re having a baby, too.”
Surprised again, Jack blurted, “Really?”
“Hey, man,” Kevin said, grinning, “I didn’t lose any of the important bits over there in that hellhole.”
Rita laughed and Jack just shook his head. “Damn, Kev. You really haven’t changed much, have you?”
“Older, wiser, shorter,” Kevin said, then his smile slowly faded away. “Look, I had to make this drive to see yo
u in person because my wedding is this weekend.”
“So soon?”
Kevin’s eyebrows lifted. “When I emailed you, I gave you two months’ warning.”
“Right.” Jack nodded. “My fault.”
“Absolutely true,” Kevin agreed easily. “But the point is, I drove my ass all the way up here to ask you to be my best man.”
“Your—” Okay, Jack didn’t know how many more surprises he could take. He never would have expected the man he’d believed hated his guts to ask him to stand up for him.
“Best man. Yeah. Because that’s what you are.” His features sober, serious, Kevin said, “We were buds before. Been through a lot of crap together. But what you did for me, Jack, I can never repay.”
A twist of pain wrung at his heart. “You don’t have to.”
“Yeah, I know that. Doesn’t stop the need.” Kevin glanced at Rita. “Your man was always a stand-up. He kept me alive in a place that tried its best to kill me.”
Rita reached out instinctively and took his hand with her free hand, somehow linking the two men even more completely than they already were. Kevin released her hand, and reached into the pocket of his black leather jacket. He drew out a cream-colored envelope that he handed to Rita.
“I’m giving this to you for two reasons,” he said. “One, you’re way better looking than Jack.”
“You’re a very astute man,” Rita said, grinning. Beside her, Jack only sighed.
“And two, more important, you’ll make sure he gets to the wedding. Right?” He looked at her meaningfully for a long moment.
Then Rita leaned forward, kissed Kevin’s cheek and said, “You bet I will.” She glanced back at Jack as if for confirmation. “We’ll be there. Won’t we?”
“Yeah.” He looked from Rita to Kevin and back again. “We’ll be there, Kev.”
“Good.” He clapped his hands together then scrubbed his palms. “Then my work here is done and my lovely bride-to-be is going to be picking me up outside in—” He checked his watch. “Ten minutes. We’re going for dinner, then taking the long drive home.”
“Do you really have to go so soon?” Rita asked, standing up as Kevin wheeled back and turned. “Why don’t both of you come up and have dinner with us?”
“No, but thanks.” Kevin looked knowingly at Jack. “I think we’re both going to need a little time to get used to the new us, right, Jack?”
It would take time and it was good to know that Kevin not only understood but felt the same. Too many emotions were churning inside him. Waves were rocking his insides like a storm at sea and he had a lot of thinking to do. “Yeah. A little time would be a good thing.”
Kevin nodded solemnly, but his gaze locked with Jack’s. “We’ll get there. But we’ll see you Saturday?”
Just as somber, Jack promised, “I swear. We’ll be there.”
Nine
Once Kevin was gone, Jack gave in to the tension screaming inside him. Stalking across the room, he made for the terrace, pushing open the French doors and stepping into the icy blast of wind that rushed at him. He turned his face into that wind and wished to hell it could blow all of his churning thoughts right out of his head.
“Jack?”
Teeth gritted, he kept his gaze on the expanse of the ocean streaked with the brilliant colors of sunset rather than turn to face the woman who’d become too important to him. Until Kevin had come by tonight, Jack hadn’t realized just how much he’d come to depend on Rita’s presence in his life. He was already in too deep, he knew that because of just how much he’d needed her by his side when Kevin was in the house. Needed her to anchor him.
And that bothered Jack plenty.
“Are you okay?” Her voice was soft, husky, filled with concern that scraped at him. He didn’t want her worried about him, caring about him, God help him, loving him.
He’d once vowed that he would never put anyone in the position of having to mourn him. And the more she cared, the more pain she risked. How was he supposed to stand by and let her get deeper into feelings that would only carry the promise of future pain?
Damn it, this marriage was supposed to be temporary. Supposed to be emotion-free. A bargain. Yet somehow, in spite of his best efforts it had turned into more. The question now was, what was he prepared to do about it?
“Jack?” she asked again. “Are you okay?”
“Fine.” He bit the word off, hoping she’d take the damn hint for once and leave him alone. Give him enough space to get himself together again. To find the center that had slipped out of his grasp the minute he saw Kevin in that chair.
“You don’t sound fine,” she said and came up beside him. She shivered in the cold wind and rubbed her hands up and down her arms for warmth. She was only wearing white capris and a short-sleeved pink T-shirt. Her bare feet had to be freezing on the concrete floor. But she wasn’t leaving. He knew her well enough now to expect that.
When he didn’t speak, she tried another tack. “Kevin seems nice.”
Nice. Yeah, he was. He was also smart. Funny. And in a damn chair for the rest of his life. Jack closed his eyes briefly. “You don’t have to do this.”
“What am I doing?”
“Helping.” He glanced at her. “I don’t need your help. And I don’t need to be soothed.”
“That’s what you think?” she asked, leaning against the railing to look up at him. “Everybody needs help sometimes, Jack. You’re not a superhero.”
Silently, he laughed at the idea. He was as far from a superhero as anyone could get.
“Didn’t say I was and if I want help,” he added, shooting her a dark look that should have sent her skittering for cover, “I’ll ask for it.”
Naturally, he told himself, Rita paid no attention to his warning look. Instead, she laughed and the raw, sexy sound awakened every cell in his body.
“Sure, you’ll ask for help. Jack,” she said with a smile. “You wouldn’t ask for water if you were on fire.”
The fact that she was right only irritated him further. How much more was he expected to take tonight? Facing down a friend whose life was forever changed wasn’t enough? God, he needed time alone. He needed to think.
“You’re staring out at that ocean like you expect to find answers there.”
“I don’t need answers, either,” he ground out. “I just need some space. Time. Some damn solitude. God, I can’t even remember what it’s like to be completely alone anymore.”
That insult sailed right over her head. She just didn’t listen to what she didn’t want to hear. In a way, he admired that about her. Even when it worked against him.
“If you think you can insult me into walking away, you’re wrong.”
Exasperated, he blew out a breath. “Then what will it take?”
“There’s nothing you can do that will make me leave you alone right now,” Rita said. “You’ve had enough solitude, Jack. Maybe too much.”
“Fine. You won’t leave, I will.” He turned, but stopped when she laid one hand on his arm.
“I’ve got some of those answers you don’t need.” She paused and he knew she was waiting for him to look at her. Finally, he did.
“What are you talking about now?”
Shrugging, she said, “You said you didn’t need answers, but you do. And here’s one for you. You’ve been torturing yourself for months over Kevin, Jack. But there was no need. You saw him. He’s happy.”
He scraped one hand across his face. “He’s in a chair.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“Yeah, well, saying it doesn’t make that true.” He shifted his gaze back out to the water and watched that darkening surface churn with the wind. Looking out at the sky and sea was so much easier than looking into whiskey-colored eyes that saw too much. �
�You weren’t there. I was.”
“So was Kevin,” she pointed out, refusing to let it go. “And he doesn’t blame you.”
“He should.” His gaze narrowed on that wide, roiling water and he felt it replicated in his own soul. “Damn it, if I had made a different call, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“My God, you’re stubborn,” she said, sliding over to stand between him and the railing, so that he was forced to look at her. “Yes, you were in charge and you made the decisions, but making different ones might not have kept everyone safe. Maybe a different call would have killed Kevin. Or you. Or someone else. There’s just no way to know and no point in continuing to drag yourself over the coals like this.”
He shook his head. He couldn’t speak. What was there to say, anyway? She couldn’t get it and he didn’t blame her. No one who wasn’t there could ever understand what it was to hold men’s lives in your hands. One wrong call and people died. Or lost their legs.
“Are you really so determined to carry the weight of the world?”
She made it sound as though he were being self-indulgent. Nothing could have been further from the truth. He had a right to feel like a damn bastard for what had happened to Kevin. To the new guy in their squad, DeSantos, who had died in that skirmish. Was he supposed to just close it off, pretend it hadn’t happened? He couldn’t do that. “Leave it alone, Rita.”
“He thanked you for saving him, Jack.”
“I was there,” he pointed out, barely sparing her a glance. She didn’t get it. Didn’t know what it had been like to see his best friend lying wounded in front of him and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Didn’t understand the guilt of coming home with both arms, both legs. Didn’t know what it was to keep all of that locked inside you until you felt like you were going to explode.
This was why he’d never talked to his family. He couldn’t share with them what they couldn’t understand. Oh, they would try, but their pity for him would get tangled up in the facts and they’d only end up more worried about him than they already were.
Little Secrets--His Unexpected Heir Page 12