“It's okay.” Audra looks at me expectantly and I realize that she's waiting for me to answer her question. “How I sleep isn't the issue. It's finding the time. I got a job, working nights,” I finish in explanation.
Shock registers before she tucks it away and rests her head on the back of the couch again. “Well, why don't you tell me about yourself and how you're going to be helpful to me.”
“Oh, all right.” I look around the room as I talk. Audra's closed her eyes anyway. “Um, I'll go with you to the doctor's appointments and if possible, I would be grateful if you could schedule them so I don't miss class or hockey practice. I'll go to any classes you want me to go to. Basically, the exact same things as if we were in a relationship, going through this-”
Audra stirs next to me, so I glance at her as her head falls to the side and she slowly tilts until she leans on my shoulder.
“Audra?”
No answer. Her chest is moving normally, so she's probably just asleep. Poor girl. Can't even stay awake long enough to talk to me. Part of me wants to wake her up, but I really don't want to. If she's that tired, then I should let her sleep. Sighing, I relax into the couch, thankful the TV is on, and decide to wait for her to wake back up.
“NEIL?”
I grunt, feeling a terrible kink in my neck.
“Neil?” the voice says again.
My eyes flash open to find Audra standing in front of me. I yawn, wanting to stretch my legs, but can't until she moves. “About time you wake up,” I grumble with my thick, just-woken-up voice.
She laughs. “You were the one sleeping. I need to eat. I'm feeling a little lightheaded.”
I sit up and grab her hips. “Lightheaded? Why are you standing?” I guide her over until she's sitting down next to me. “What do you need? What do you want? I can run to the store. I-”
“Neil,” she rests a hand on my arm, “calm down. I'm only a little weak. There's no need to panic.” Her voice is soothing, which makes me relax a little.
“Right. Do you want me to fix you something to eat or go get something?”
Audra moves to stand, but I gently make her sit again. I do not want her passing out. She huffs and gives me a fake glare. “You don't have to do anything. I woke you up because I figured that would be better than you waking because of some banging around in the kitchen.”
“Yeah, well, you stay here. Tell me what you want and I'll go fix it for you.”
“Neil,” she protests.
“Unless my name is about to be followed with what food you want to eat, then I don't want to hear it.” I level my gaze at her until she sighs and tells me what she wants.
I leave Audra in the living room and start rummaging through her kitchen to find what I need. She wants chicken Alfredo. I have no freaking clue how to put all that together, but I'm sure I can figure it out. How hard can it be? She already has chicken breasts in the fridge, so I grab those.
“You're going to need-”
I spin to see Audra pulling out a chair at the kitchen table. “What are you doing?” I interrupt.
“I make it from scratch, and since you're so determined to cook, I'm going to tell you how.”
So Audra starts instructing me on what I need to do and where I need to get the ingredients. I keep glancing at her to make sure she looks okay. Every time I look, she's scrolling through her phone, rubbing her stomach, or watching my every move. About halfway through, she gets up and walks over to me.
“Feeling okay?” I question as she peers into the pot.
“I'm feeling freaked out that you are in my kitchen cooking. And a little worried that you're going to burn my apartment down.” Audra glances at me, causing me to laugh.
“Just imagine how I feel then, but I have things under control. You can go sit back down now.”
“Please tell me you aren't going to be this way until the baby comes. That sounds even freakier than you cooking for me.”
I laugh again. “We'll see.” The thought that she's having a girl passes my mind again like it has many times since I found out. That terrifies me even more. A sweet, innocent baby girl. How fucking scary is that? I clear my throat as I stir. “Have you thought of any names yet?”
Audra shakes her head before walking back to her seat. “No. I wasn't ever one of those girls that had a list of names I liked or even really had a preference for names. I mean, I like mine and that's as far as it goes.” She chuckles. Her voice turns soft as she adds, “I'm more scared than anything, if I'm being perfectly honest.”
I look over to her, but she has her head down. “Yeah, me too.” Scared is such an innocent, lighthearted word for how I feel.
“I never dreamed of having kids one day, much less right now. But ever since I found out, underneath all the fear, there's a bit of excitement too. I might not have wanted kids before, but I want this little girl.” She laughs, but it's a disbelieving one. Audra lifts her gaze to me. “And you are just making sure you take care of your responsibility.”
Her words are like a hard slap to the face. She's right. This isn't about whether I want that baby or not. I'm here because I should be. It's the right thing to do. Everything else is supposed to fall into place as we go along. I can't stand to look at her anymore, so I fill up a plate of the now done pasta and take it to her.
“Here you go, Audra. I'll catch up with you later. Call if you need anything.”
This is the last place I want to be. Because now all I can think about is what if everything doesn't fall into place? What if by the time the baby comes, I still don't want her? What if she's born and I feel nothing but an obligation? A chore? A responsibility? What if my baby girl realizes this and it affects her as she grows up? Am I just making things worse for Audra and her?
I'm halfway to the door when Audra says, “Wait. Neil, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.”
I turn to face her. “Doesn't make any difference if you're thinking it already. I should go, though. I need to eat before I have to go into work.”
“You just fixed dinner,” she says like that is the answer to all our problems. “C'mon, Neil. Are you going to make a pregnant girl beg?” She gives me a subtle smile.
“Maybe,” I smirk.
Audra laughs. “There's the Neil I know. Fix yourself a plate and have a seat. We never talked, so let's do that.” Once I've done as she said and am sitting across from her, she tells me her plan in-between bites. “First, we obviously need to get to know each other better. If you're serious about being here, then we need to do that and be able to get along because we're going to be around one another for a long, long time.”
“So what do you suggest for that to happen?”
“We meet two or three times a week to hang out. We'll have to figure out when our schedules can coincide for that, but it's possible. From there, we can learn how to make things work for us pre-baby and post-baby.”
Great. Another commitment to add to my list of things to fit into my schedule, but this is important, so I'll have to find room. “I can do that.”
I'M ALMOST POSITIVE that something is wrong with Lucy. Why? Because she makes me worry for no good reason. It's been days since she came over, and in a moment of panic with her question about if she would be alone with me or not when she comes to the house, I texted Winston Sunday to see if he wanted to go to the game. Lucy seemed fine that day, but I kept thinking that she would be more comfortable if it wasn't just us. Plus, it definitely wouldn't feel like a date.
A smile finds its way to my lips at remembering Lucy's horror expression that it might be a date. Winston and I are on our way to pick up the girls from campus. They are supposed to be waiting in the parking lot closest to Maddie's dorm. Tonight will be a much welcomed getaway. Bo and Neil are bickering more than usual and it's not like Neil is at the house all that often. I don't know where he goes, but he's not at the house. His mood is all over the place, and I think it's largely from lack of a decent sleep. I'm definitely ready for tonight.
The girls are chitchatting, obviously getting acquainted with one another. Lucy laughs at something Maddie says and I kind of wish I could hear it. Once I put the truck in park, I take in that she looks pretty in jeans and a black sweater that really makes her eyes stand out. Eyes that have thin black eyeliner around them. Something seems different about her other than the makeup, but I can't put my finger on it. We hop out of my truck and say hello to them as they walk over to us. I open the passenger door for Lucy while Winston moves to the back seat with Maddie.
“Thanks, Grant,” Lucy says with a smile over her shoulder before she climbs into the vehicle.
“Mhm.” Then I walk around, get in, and we're on our way. Maddie and Winston are talking quietly, so I glance at Lucy. “Please tell me that you've had a good week so far.”
She laughs, granting me the luxury to hear it. “Yeah, I have. Why do you say it like that?”
“Seems like everyone else isn't having a good one and I didn't want you to be grouchy too.” As an afterthought, I add, “Have you ever been grouchy, Lucy? I don't think I could imagine you being that way.”
“Oh, I could so be that way. It's rare, though. I rather not have negative emotions.” What she says totally fits because I couldn't see her with those emotions either.
“Hey,” Winston pipes in. “Don't let him fool you about us. I haven't been pissy, only Bo and Neil. Are y'all excited for your first pro game?”
“Most definitely,” Maddie says from behind me.
“Um, yeah,” Lucy adds.
I chuckle. “You don't sound so sure.”
“I feel kind of naked.” My head swings over to her, and she quickly rushes, “I mean, I don't have my camera with me. I feel like I'm going to miss something and like I'm naked without it.”
Ah, that's it. She doesn't have that camera hanging around her neck. That's why she looked different. “You'll be fine, promise. What did your brothers say about you coming with me?” I figure that they know, and I'm curious to hear their response.
Maddie leans forward until her head is between our seats. “Ooh, yes, let's talk about those delicious brothers of yours.”
Winston groans and Lucy looks almost embarrassed to hear someone talk about her brothers that way.
“They don't know. They didn't ask, and I didn't offer.” Lucy focuses on me with a hard look that I thankfully don't have to see for long because my eyes are back on the road. “Just because they look out for me doesn't mean that they run my life, Grant.”
“I didn't mean it like that,” I stumble, feeling like I've been scolded.
She laughs. “Yes, you did. It's okay. A lot of people assume that.”
Before I can offer an apology, Maddie starts peppering her about her brothers' relationship statuses. After disappointing answers that don't reveal much, Maddie starts picking on Winston. Apparently, they've been working out together and Maddie is a faster runner than him.
“Your short legs somehow manage to get you more distance, that's all,” he brushes her off.
Lucy falls quiet as they continue talking. The arena isn't too far away and finding a place to park doesn't take long. As we begin walking to the building, Maddie and Winston are slightly ahead of us in their own little world, and Lucy takes in everything around us.
“Wow, there are a lot of people here,” she whispers in awe with a touch of fear.
I reach over and take her hand. We haven't even walked inside yet. “Do crowds bother you?” Because there is about to be a more packed one.
“Not really, but don't let go.” She squeezes my hand as we fall in line behind Maddie and Winston. Lucy rubs her arm with her free hand. “I thought this would be enough,” she mumbles.
“I would offer my jacket, but...”
“You don't have one,” she laughs.
“Come here.” I can't let her stand there, cold. I tug on her hand until she's standing in front of me, still facing towards the front of the line. Releasing her hand, I run mine up and down her arms while standing close to her, hoping that will help. Lucy grabs my hands and pulls my arms around her as she leans into me.
“More warmth this way,” she explains. Whatever you say, Lucy. I hug her closer, trying to keep her warm and cozy. “You have the tickets, right?” She turns her head to look at me.
“Of course, I do,” I chuckle.
“How much do I owe you?”
“Nothing.” Winston is the one who owes me since I covered his tickets.
Her cute, little nose wrinkles in confusion. “This isn't a date, so I should pay for mine.”
“Then consider it a date,” I shrug. That seems like an okay thing to say, right? She's not about to pay me for her ticket because I asked her to come, date or not. Lucy isn't happy with my answer, though.
“You can't do that.” She turns in my arms, placing hers around my waist, a frown on her face. I'm tired of seeing that damn thing already and it only just appeared. “You can't make this a date so I won't owe you. That's not fair. What makes you think I would want to be on a date with you anyway?”
That, unfortunately, catches Winston and Maddie's attention during a pause in their conversation, and they try to conceal their laughter. The line moves forward, though, and I don't get a chance to respond as our turn in line arises. We make it through security before getting our tickets scanned. What is so bad about being on a date with me? I take her hand and lead her through the building. There are a ton of people in here. It's like rush hour without the cars. Lucy ends up walking behind me. I keep a firm hold on her hand, but I still feel her grab the back of my shirt. Like I'm going to release her hand and leave her alone to find her own way to our seats.
We go up the stairs until we reach the top level. Winston and Maddie lead the way to our section. Once we finally reach our row, Lucy lets go of my shirt, so I do the same to her hand. We sit with Winston and me on the ends and Maddie and Lucy in between us. They are both looking around and down at the ice, making comments to one another as the players warm up. As soon as there seems to be a pause, I grab Lucy's attention and ask the one question that is bugging the hell out of me.
“Why wouldn't you want to go on a date with me? That's like the third or fourth time you've said something like that.” I make sure to ask quiet enough that Maddie won't overhear.
Lucy directs her full attention to me. “I didn't say I wouldn't want to. This just can't be a date because you don't want me to pay you back.”
She didn't say that she would either, I note. “Look, I asked you to come, so it's on me.” Lucy nods in acceptance. “Do you want to give this learning hockey thing one more try? You may be able to follow it easier here.”
“You can try.”
I HELPED MADDIE study last night after we worked out together. She's training for a 5K in February that a club here at the school is hosting. I didn't know that Maddie loved to run that much and is trying to build herself up to a 10K and so on. I think it's a little early to train for that, but what do I know? When we decided to start working out together, she told me she started running after I left for college.
We've gotten to a good place I think as she tells Lucy about the upcoming run. The first intermission has passed and let me tell you, it's hilarious listening to Grant explain the game to Lucy. The girl gets frustrated quickly when she doesn't pick it up right away. Maddie seems to have made a new friend in Lucy, too, which is pretty cool. After Lucy and Grant leave to go buy drinks, Maddie turns towards me.
“I think I just talked her into running the 5K with me,” she smiles with excitement. “You should do it with us too.”
“I don't know. That's pretty advance planning. Something else might come up.” There's no way I want to do that with her. She is a little faster than I am, according to only one race between us, and I wouldn't be able to survive a 5K. Not because of the running, but because I would have to see her half-naked, February or not, with her hair up in a tight ponytail, swinging as she runs, and little sprigs falling to hang aro
und her face by the time she's finished. I don't need to see her ass or her tits either.
Nope. Not happening.
“It's first thing in the morning, Winston. Just say you don't want to do it.”
“I don't want to do it,” I say.
“Fine. You can study with me tomorrow before your game then. I have a test soon, and I want to be prepared.”
“I'll be there,” I promise. I have no clue why she's not doing well in this class because she knows the material inside and out. She might have test anxiety. Maybe we'll work on that instead of actually studying. My eyes travel over her features as she faces the ice once more. One thing that I haven't been able to surpass is how gorgeous she is. Maddie still invades my dreams in the hottest ways. It's ridiculous.
“They are so adorable,” she gushes, placing her hand on my thigh to get my attention. On the ice are a bunch of little kids, playing a quick game before the intermission is over. “I don't think you could have been that cute when you were younger.”
I laugh as I move so Lucy and Grant can squeeze back over to their seats, handing us our bottles of drinks on the way. The second intermission starts and I lean towards Maddie.
“Are you picking up on Grant's explanations?”
She shakes her head without looking away from the action. “I'm not listening. I want to watch and absorb the awesomeness. I don't need or want to know anything else. Ooooh!” Maddie sits up straight as a fight breaks out down below on the ice. Her eyes are captivated by the few punches that get thrown in before the refs break them up and ship them off to the penalty box. “God, that was sort of, kind of, really hot.” She turns to Lucy. “Don't you think?”
Lucy blushes, shakes her head, and mumbles a 'no'. I'm not so sure that I understand what Grant sees in her, which would aid his 'she's only a friend' line. I don't think boys and girls can be just friends. Wait, let me correct myself. They can be friends, but someone is wishing they weren't. Like myself right now, for example. My mind is occupied more with Maddie than the game.
Bracing the Blue Line Page 9