I managed to get the majority of the house clean. At least the areas she’d see. I’ll work on the rest tomorrow.
And I frown just as I start to smile again. I was thinking about Jake saying he was coming here tomorrow. Thinking about him spanking me earlier today. Be honest. I was thinking about him spanking me tomorrow if I didn’t have the place clean. And…how tempting it is to leave it a little dirty…I shake this thought off.
I look at my fridge. Baby Traeger’s first photo on display. I touch it as I open the door. Laura gushed over it for the first half hour she was here, then I put it back on the fridge. Another one is propped up next to my bed, in front of Max’s urn. I catch my breath thinking this, but shake my head to stop the tears.
“So…dessert?”
“Are you kidding me, stop demon woman!” But she’s already pulling out two plates and forks. I pull the brownies out of the oven where I kept them warm.
We each take one then laugh at each other, reaching for another one. I lead us into the living room. Max never liked to eat on the sofa. It was a rule. I hesitate at the table, looking from it to the sofa and back again.
I slowly walk over to the coffee table and put my plate down. Laura doesn’t notice or at least doesn’t say anything about my uncertainty. She plops down next to me and digs in with her fork. I don’t touch my plate, suddenly a little nauseous.
“You ok?” Her concerned look makes me smile.
“Yeah…just baby doesn’t think there’s more room right now.” I pat my stomach.
“So your due dates in January?” I nod, taking another sip of water to fight back the rest of my uneasy stomach. “That means you have all summer to be at the beach, sportin a big belly and two piece…” She nudges my leg with her foot.
“You are a brat! I will look fabulous in a full muumuu thankyouverymuch.” Thinking about summer doesn’t make me happy though. I’d looked forward to celebrating our first date, our first kiss, our first everything.
Now I have another first…first summer without Max.
“I’m sorry…I seem to keep saying all the wrong things.” Laura puts her plate down and holds my hand again.
I shake my head and wipe my eyes, not letting the tears fall. “No. I’m ok. I just have to keep getting out of my own head, ya know.” She smiles and nods. “Thanks for coming over tonight…I really needed the company.”
“I was hoping you’d return my calls sooner…I know your folks left last week…what have you been up to?”
I laugh. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” I pick up my plate, but I still can’t get myself to eat. Not on the sofa anyway. This actually makes me smile again. I’m still Max’s good girl. I put the plate back down. Laura just watches and leaves her plate on the table too.
“So…what are you going to do?”
“Well…to be honest…I haven’t even thought about it.” I look a little embarrassed at her. “I don’t really need to work.”
Ron took care of everything. He came by a few weeks ago with all sorts of paperwork for me to sign. Life insurance, annuities, funds, accounts, properties, investments…it was more than I ever knew existed.
My head was spinning and my wrist was hurting, still healing from the accident. He didn’t give me a final number, just said that when I was ready to go over everything in more detail, he’d have the firm’s accountant meet with me. I only really remember hearing that the apartment was paid off. And that he’d keep a small sum in a checking account for me to use as day to day until I was ready to do anything else. All bills are paid automatically through a different account.
It wasn’t much of a relief at the time. I remember my Dad looking impressed. Mom looking stunned.
But I can see that not having to worry about anything financial has been a huge burden lifted from my already overburdened shoulders. Seeing the look on Laura’s face, I feel embarrassed by the wealth Max left me. But I’d trade everything just to have him back…even for only a moment.
She sees the shift in my look and quickly interrupts my thoughts. “Well…that’s good news then. But ya can’t sit around here, cooking like this and getting fat!” She nudges me again with a big smile. “Except of course, you will get large with child.” She puts her hands straight out and blows up her cheeks.
“I thought I told you never to use that phrase again!” I throw a pillow at her face, laughing.
I’m looking forward to feeling our baby move, to seeing our child’s face on another ultrasound, to watching fingers and toes grow…for having our baby. Scared beyond belief, but looking forward to it. It means Max will always be with me, through our baby.
“What about coming back to work for Cruela? She’d love to have you!”
“Oh, God. No. No, thank you!” I did actually think about it while I was cleaning earlier. The need to stay busy, at least until the baby is here. “Besides, I don’t think I’ll work once I have the baby…so I need to find somewhere to work that doesn’t mind a short short-term employee.”
“Well, since you don’t need the money…what about charity work?”
“I was thinking the same thing…maybe something with the symphony…Max loved the symphony.” This thought does tug at my brow, but I smile and shake off the frown.
“Ooh…we could get all dressed up together and go to the opening night! Maybe I’d find a prince charmin type in a tux…yep, that’s where you need to volunteer.”
“For you, dahrling, anything.”
I change the subject. She seems to understand that I need more distractions. I don’t want to talk about me or anything to do with me right now. She fills me in on office gossip and happenings. Rich and Tracy are apparently very much in love now. Or he is anyway.
“So…you still haven’t returned Tracy’s calls?”
I shake my head, it’s one of the things I’ve debated. “I…I know this may sound dumb…but Max wouldn’t like it if I did…and…and I need to feel like I’m still…” I shrug.
She takes my hand again. “I get it. I do.” She smiles until I smile back. “Besides, it’s been so long…I know Tracy can be a big pain in the ass…she understands though. She was never a fan of Max’s…now, well…she gets why you wouldn’t want to be around her just yet.” This does make me smile. Maybe I’ll pick up our friendship again, but I don’t think so. I realized after all that happened that Tracy wasn’t the type of friend I need in my life.
I need more friends like Laura. Faithful and devoted. Friends that are willing to look you in the eye and ask the hard questions, but have faith in your answers too. Have faith that you can figure things out for yourself, without judgment.
The rest of our night is spent with stories of bad dates. One after the other. Poor Laura has been out with every version of loser it seems. I laugh, but in the back of my mind, I think how scared I am. I’m nowhere near thinking about dating…but if I ever was…I know no one will ever compare to Max.
Chapter 31 HIM
I called her three hours ago. It only went to voicemail, with no call back. I was disappointed to not talk to her. Even more disappointed after not hearing back from her. Now, in the elevator, I’m getting angry. She better not still be in bed!
I get to her door and open it with my card. I smile…she didn’t change the lock at least.
Walking in, I can tell right away that she cleaned. It smells like oranges and blossoms…like her, clean and fresh and sweet.
I head into the kitchen. “Lucy!” I look and see the bedroom door is open. I don’t go in. I just put the bag of food I brought on the counter. I smile seeing how clean everything is.
Good. She listened to that part at least. Let’s hope she’s not still lounging around in sweats, crying all day. I frown. Not that I can blame the girl. I had to stop my own faucets from running on more than one day lately. I still can’t believe Max is gone.
I stop. I don’t hear anything. Maybe she’s in the bathroom? I move towards the bedroom door. “Lucy?!”
No respons
e. I poke my head into the bedroom. It’s clean too. But no Lucy. I spot the urn and the ultrasound picture. I feel my stomach flip-flop. The bathroom door is open.
Get ahold of yourself! She’s not here is all. She’s fine.
But I feel a stab of guilt. Max must have felt like this when he came home to find her not here…she was at my place, waiting for me. Shit. This is all wrong. Max should be here and I shouldn’t be.
I turn to walk out. I’ll leave her a message later.
I reach the front door just as she comes in. She’s beautiful. A jolt of fear before smiling in surprise at seeing me. Her cheeks flushed, hair wild from the wind. “You’re early!”
I can see her arms are full with groceries and bags. I grab two of the heavier looking ones and take them into the kitchen for her. She stops in the hall and tosses the shopping bags into the bedroom before following me.
I keep my back to her. I don’t want her to see my reaction at seeing her walk in the door. I’m as hard as I was yesterday after spanking her. I’d hurried out of the room then too.
“You went shopping?”
“Oh…yeah…” I glance at her as she puts her groceries on the counter. She looks a little embarrassed. “I had to get some new stuff.” She pats her stomach. “I’m planning to overfeed this critter the next few days.” She laughs at herself.
I’m under control again. I turn and laugh with her, “Good. I’ll be glad to see it.”
She turns to face me, fully. Her face isn’t sad, but she’s not really smiling either. “I want to say thanks…for yesterday. I needed…” she stops and her look frowns and turns…coy? “…a good kick in the butt.” I watch her mouth as she says this. It’s playful, stressing the word, toying with me.
I grin, “Anytime.” She blushes. That way she has, so easily. Max told me once that it was her expressiveness, her little responses and blushes that made him fall in love with her so fast and hard. I can see why.
I stop smiling and turn away quickly again. “So…what’s all this?” I nod toward the spread of food she has on the counter.
“I’m making you a home cooked meal tonight.” She glances at the bag I brought, her eyebrow hooked in accusation.
“You don’t have to do that…” But my stomach betrays me, growling. I rarely cook for myself. Usually the spaghetti variety is the most I do.
She laughs and pokes me in the rib. “How bout you help? You can chop onions…I think I’ve cried enough lately…”
I give her a small, soft smile. I think so too.
…..
“Mom is going to be jealous. I’m not telling her that you’ve now outdone her with chicken parm...” I’m on my third helping. I’m happy to see that Lucy’s had two herself. She was serious about eating well.
“I won’t tell!” She raises her fork in salute. “This was one of Max’s favorites…” She has the faraway look again. She’s gone quiet and solemn a few times tonight. I haven’t interrupted. She needs to learn to get herself out of her head, to allow herself time to feel everything too if she needs.
She shakes her head and I’m rewarded for my patience with one of her prettiest smiles, big and lots of teeth. “Would you like more wine?” She’s already reaching for the bottle. I shake my head. She only had water, but she insisted I have some Chianti.
It’s funny. When I compare tonight to so many nights I had with Julia…or any girlfriend for that matter. I know Lucy is different. She’s naturally submissive. She’s naturally attentive and giving, feminine. Not like the women I’ve dated.
I recognized this in her before. The first night I met her, she was obviously scared…and just so damn cute. So damn submissive…subservient. Her every movement was done to please my brother. I still feel a pang of jealousy thinking about that night. And guilt.
I talked to Max about Lucy’s nature. After I broke up with Julia. The night I threw myself a housewarming party for my new building. Lucy fell asleep on the sofa. Max and I finished drinks and cigars on the roof.
I asked why he was so hard on her. Why he had to demand so much from her. I was really trying to be her friend. To help him to see what she’d been telling me, about her fears. But, hell, I was drunk. I wanted to know how he was able to get her do what he wanted…so easily.
He said he couldn’t help how he was with her. That she brought out the most primal needs to possess, rule, protect in him. His words. I laughed then, really drunk. But I dreamt that night…well, I don’t really remember much but a bare skin rug and beating my chest like an apeman, taking her wildly. I woke up soaked in sweat and guilt, painfully hard.
Max also said that Lucy didn’t know herself before he met her. She didn’t know her true nature really…he brought it out in her too. He was very poetic in his drunkenness that night. That she was a flower waiting to be de-thorned or some bullshit like that. That she only pretended to be a modern girl, she was really old-fashioned, that she really understood her place was next to her man. I remember gritting my teeth when he said, under her man. I don’t remember what I said. I only remember how I felt. Jealous.
Watching her now. I know he was right. Her true nature is submissive…she does everything to please everyone else.
She interrupts my thoughts. “So Alex asked if I’d come up to the lake house next weekend…”
“I know…I suggested it. The weather’s getting nicer. I think the fresh air would do you good.” I shift uncomfortably, trying to keep my voice light. I’m going to give myself permanent damage if I keep getting this hard around her. “I can drive you up if you’d like…”
“I…I’m thinking I might be busy…” She smiles a little more.
“Busy?” I frown. I hope she doesn’t mean hanging around here, wallowing in grief more.
“Maybe…I’m going to see about working at the symphony or a museum or something…”
And I’m shocked at the stab to my stomach. I can’t even think where it comes from for a moment. “You…you want to go back to work?”
She laughs. “Well…not work as in get paid…but volunteer maybe…if I can.” I watch as she picks up the plates and walks away.
I watch her body move. She’s too skinny. Her skirt stretches at the top, but her legs and arms look too thin. That doesn’t stop me from watching her hips sway. Her little toes almost pointed with her barefoot steps, her hair still crazy with frizz and curls, bouncing.
Shit, get ahold of yourself!
I don’t move. She clears the table, smiling at me. I can’t get up just yet. Again.
When she’s in the kitchen, I bolt for the bathroom.
I close the door and breathe. Just breathe.
I look in the mirror. And just like that, I’m deflated. I can see Max staring at me. We were always told we looked more like twins than brothers with three years between us. No matter what else I think tonight. No matter what else I’ve thought over the last months. I can’t betray my brother. Not now. Not ever.
I open the door slowly. I’m in control of myself again. And for the last time. I make this promise, knowing it’s useless…I can’t control everything. I grin. It’s not my fault your wife is my dream fuck, brother. But I don’t feel the humor…I feel only sadness that Max can’t be here…for her, for me.
I sit back at the table and watch as she brings two cups of coffee and brownies out.
I frown at her cup. She laughs, “Dr. Patel says just a little caffeine won’t hurt me or the baby.”
I put my hand over her cup. “Not on my watch.”
She frowns again, but she lets go of the handle. I smile. I don’t get hard, I’m concentrating really hard not to. Her easy submissive responses though make it…I clench my fist under the table…damn difficult!
“So…why volunteer?” I have to choke back the edge to my voice. She’s still frowning, but answers with the same smile.
“I just need to keep busy…until the baby…” She’s held her hand over her stomach a lot tonight. A sweet unconscious gesture. Max’s ba
by is already very loved.
“Oh…well…if it’s just to keep busy…” I shout at myself to shut up. I ignore that side of my brain. “…you could help me…?”
She laughs and puts her soft, little fingers on my arm. “What could I do for you?” I watch her fingers curl around, barely covering my arm. She’s so tiny. I notice her ring and pull my arm back. Stop. Right now. Fucking stop this shit.
But I’m still not listening… “You could be my temporary office manager…just until…” I shrug and look at her stomach. I’m already down this road. I take a deep breath, letting it out with a strong sigh. “I lost my office manager last month. I’ve been interviewing, but I haven’t found anyone that’ll work. My admin’s been filling in, but he’s not really cut out for it.” This is true. I could use the help. Stop kidding yourself. You don’t want her help. You want her near. You want her not somewhere else.
That was what stabbed my stomach. The thought of her out there…in the world…around other people. Away from me.
I’m as demented as Max.
I shake my head and start to retract what I just said, “I think volunteering would be go…”
“I’ll do it!” She claps her hands. “Thank you, Jake! I know you’re just being nice…but this is exactly what I need!” Her eyes fill with crystal blue water, deep pools of unshed tears that magnify the color of her eyes. Now who’s being poetic! “I just need to keep myself busy, ya know?!” She wipes her eyes, but I watch one stray tear fall across her cheek, running towards her mouth. I’d like to follow it with my tongue.
I hear myself agreeing. I hear myself laughing with her. I hear myself saying that we’ll work out the details. Shit. Why can’t I shut up already?!
“And I can help you interview for a replacement,” she puts her hand on her stomach again, “when the time’s right…” I nod. I should be backtracking, getting myself out of this deal, but instead…I nod. Idiot!
Chapter 31 HER
True Control 4.2: A Dark Romance (True Series Book 5) Page 9