And now? It’s been so long since I’ve felt his touch. His gentle pets or his rough demands. But I am still what he created. What he made me see in myself. I still need what he gave me. What only he could give me. Freedom to let go. Freedom to give in. Freedom to submit. Freedom to love him unconditionally. Always.
What happens when “always” is cut short?
I realize that I’m running too fast, my breathing isn’t controlled. I slow down again and hear Max’s training in my head. This helps. It helps with the anger and the sadness. I steady my pace and my breaths. For Max. For our baby. I can get through anything. Even today.
Chapter 34 HIM
I don’t stand when the door opens. I just wait calmly at the table. I’ve been waiting for a while. I made myself coffee and toast while waiting for her. I know she’s been jogging again. I asked Dr. Patel about it; she thought it was good idea.
I assumed that’s where she was, but I still felt my heart leap a little when she didn’t answer the door this morning. I still let myself in to look around here for her. I still called her cell. And I was still angry to hear it ringing from her bedside.
She jumps when she sees me. I haven’t moved or said anything. “Shit, Jake! What are you doing here?”
“You left your phone!” I didn’t mean to bark this at her, but seeing her now…my anger just jumps to the next level. She’s wearing almost nothing. A tight tank and even tighter shorts. Yeah, there’s a tiny bump pushing out, but she looks like a model for a Goddamn sex ad, sweaty and beautiful.
“What?!” I pick up the phone I now have on the table and wave it at her. “So what? What are you doing here?!”
“So what?! You leave the house, dressed like that, without your phone, without telling anyone where you’re going even?!” I can hear how insane I sound. I want to stop, really, I do. But I can’t seem to get an image out of my head. Of her being dragged off by some scary asshole and hurt. Because she was out alone, in the barely lit up morning…with no phone even to call for help! And looking like she does!
She’s speechless, shaking her hands in front of herself for a moment. A high frustrated sound of anger escaping her tiny throat. I watch as her face changes from shocked anger to full rage. “You have no right. No right to talk to me like this. And no right to just let yourself in here!” She marches back to the door and opens it. “Get out. Now!”
I don’t move. My own anger has reached the rage level. But this only calms me. I’ve always been able to stay more level-headed when angry. My other emotions can briefly have control over me. But anger is the one emotion that somehow makes me more still. More focused.
I sit back in the chair and put one foot over my knee. A relaxed posture, my hands behind the top of my head. “I’m not going anywhere, girl.”
And I watch her face change again. It’s amazing how quickly her emotions flit across her face. Each feature morphing with the changes, it’s almost dizzying watching her. She settles on a more calm show of anger. She slams the door closed and walks towards me.
And God help me. I’m stiff. I mean, full alert, this is gonna hurt later. Stiff.
Her hair swings and catches on her sweat soaked skin. Her nipples ache against the thin tank. Her legs stretch and tighten, hips roll and sway. She stops just in front of me, hands on her hips. This only makes her tits stand out more.
It takes everything I can manage not to take my eyes off of hers. I want to run my hands and eyes up and down every inch of her. I want to watch her face change as quickly from this anger to one of pain.
This thought rattles me a little. I drop my hands and look down, but bounce my eyes back up quickly. I’m glad I have my foot up. It’s hiding how tight my shorts are now.
“So what did you let yourself into my house for, Jake?” She enunciates each word.
“I’ll get to that.” Her eyebrows raise and she looks like she’s gearing up to yell again. I continue to speak calmly, but with a deep edge of anger. “First. Tell me what the hell you were thinking this morning. Jogging before it’s light out, without your phone. And dressed like that.”
She actually looks down at herself. I can see she’s still angry, but my calmness is throwing her off. When she looks back up, there’s an unexpected element of guilt in her face. Impossibly, I’m harder. I have to take a deep breath before speaking, but I can still hear the slight strain in my voice. I only hope she can’t, “You weren’t thinking, were you?”
She shakes her head slightly. But she still manages to sound a little defiant, a little bratty. “These are my running clothes, Jake. What am I supposed to wear? It’s already hot outside.”
I lower my eyes slowly, looking her up and down. I’m causing myself more discomfort, but I like seeing that it makes her uncomfortable too. She moves her hands from her hips and crosses them in front of her chest. I grin. “And I’m sure any guy who would come across you all alone in the dark wouldn’t mind it at all.” I let her look of guilt deepen. As painful as it is to watch. “Don’t go out again in the dark for a run, Lucy. And never leave here without your phone, again.”
She doesn’t say anything, only looks down with her eyes, then lowering her chin.
I raise my voice and anger a little, liking how her head pops up, eyes wider, “Say it!”
“Say what?” She blinks, a beautiful childish pout on her wet lips.
I grin only a little, slowly, “Yes, Sir.”
She continues blinking. I try to read what her looks mean, but they change too fast, finally, quietly, calmly, “Yes, Sir.”
“Good. Now go shower. I’ll make us some breakfast.” Really, I just need her to walk away, so I can stand without her seeing the affect she has on me.
Chapter 34 HER
I didn’t argue when Jake told me why he came over this morning. I don’t know if it’s because he didn’t really give me any room to argue or because of how I reacted to him earlier.
But I have plenty of time to figure it out this weekend now. I cross and uncross my fingers on my lap again.
Over breakfast he informed me that he was taking me to the lake house. That Ron and Alex were expecting us there early, so I needed to pack quickly. Or he’d do it for me.
Just like that. Bossy. Pushy. Commanding. So like Max.
But different too. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I responded to him. The same way I did to Max. I’m sorry, Max, but it’s your fault. You made me aware of this need in me…to be dominated and controlled and commanded and…I stop babbling to myself, to Max.
And that’s what Jake did. I quickly glance at him. He looks straight ahead, not taking his eyes off the road, but I see his tiny grin. Smug. He commanded and I obeyed.
And I liked it. It felt comfortable, familiar. I take a shaky breath in and turn to look out the window, so he can’t see the tears in my eyes suddenly.
Am I so desperate to feel Max again that I’ll jump to obey anyone who shows the slightest dominance? Or is it because Jake reminds me so much of Max; and that he only acted that way because he’s trying to act like Max for me? Thinking he’s helping me?
It’s not. It’s only confusing me. I need to be thinking about my baby. And that’s it. I cover my stomach again. I’m starting to really show. I’ve had to switch to some of the clothes I bought. I smile. All skirts and dresses still. Just what Max would’ve wanted to see.
But I’m going to be huge soon…I really don’t need to be thinking about any guy. Especially Jake this way. I had my love. Now I’ll have our baby.
I can forget my submissive side again. I can ignore it.
Now if I can just ignore the growing apprehension of going to the lake house. The last time I was here was with Max, for thanksgiving. I’ve been avoiding painful memories. And this weekend was already going to be bad.
Jake puts his hand over mine and I twist my head around to see him giving me his looking through me look again. He smiles though and squeezes my fingers just once. “It’s going to be ok, Lucy. I promise.”<
br />
I smile a little back. Traeger men always keep their promises…I don’t know how, but I know Jake will keep this one. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I’ll be okay, Max. Your brother said so.
Chapter 35 HIM
Mom and Dad aren’t around when we arrive. A note on the counter says they went with the neighbors on the boat and would be back for lunch. I watch Lucy. She’s moving around slowly, like she’s never been here and she’s trying to see everything.
I know her though. She’s really trying not to see the past. “Let’s unpack.” She jumps at my voice. I grab our bags and head upstairs. She follows very slowly behind. I wait at the top of the stairs for her to catch up.
She looks like I’m walking her to the gallows. I walk past the room she usually shared with Max, the bigger room with the terrace. She pauses at the doorway and looks after me with a frown.
“You’re small…you don’t get the bigger room!” I laugh at her confused look. But she follows me down the hall into the room I usually used. She stands just inside the door and watches as I put her bag on the bed. “You’ll stay here, Lucy.” I walk back to her and tap her nose with my finger, “New room, new memories, girl.” She nods and waits till I’ve walked away a little before going more into the room. I can see her moving around slowly and I see her smile a little too.
…..
“Oh my God, remember that awful sweater you bought him? He hated that scratchy thing and tried to throw it away.” I’m laughing too hard at the memory of Max with the oversized sweater that felt like it had needles in it. Dad laughs and nods. Mom puts her hands over her mouth, laughing hard. I turn to Lucy, she’s sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked under a blanket. I’m sitting on the floor below her. “He threw it away, but Dad found it the next day and made him wear it…with the night before’s spaghetti stains on it. It was…I dunno…80 degrees out! And he had to wear that damn thing all morning doing chores…” She’s laughing so hard, she suddenly jumps up, again, and runs to the bathroom.
She comes back, “Sorry…I think my bladder has either shrunk to nothing or it’s what’s actually growing inside me.” She pats her belly. We all smile at her. She really does glow. More than from the firelight. She’s been laughing all day. More than I’ve heard her in a long time.
We’ve been looking at photo albums and telling stories of Max all day for her. She and Mom have both hugged and cried a lot too. But for most of the day, she’s been laughing.
And I’ve been resisting the urge to kiss her. Talking about my dead brother to his pregnant wife, and I’ve had to stop myself from kissing her! What kind of sick bastard am I?!
I look away, but not before I catch a look from Dad again. Unreadable.
Lucy stretches and yawns. “Time for bed.” I don’t even realize that I’ve said it out loud until she looks at me funny. But she only nods and kisses Mom goodnight, hugging Dad. She just frowns slightly at me and heads up the stairs.
Mom quickly gets up, too, and kisses my head goodnight. It’s like she was on orders to go upstairs as soon as Lucy did. That Dad wanted to talk to me alone the first chance he got.
“So…” I was right. I get up and sit on the sofa, waiting for whatever he’s going to say. “We were surprised when you said Lucy was coming with you…”
“So was she.”
He nods, “She looks good. Happier. Healthier.” I know they’ve seen her weekly. She’s shown me all the baby stuff Mom brings each time. The den is looking like a nursery already and nothing’s been moved or changed. So I know he’s seen that she’s healthier already. I only nod, still waiting.
Dad clears his throat and sits forward a little, leaning on his knees and clasping his hands in front of himself. His earnest pose. This usually accompanied a long lecture, a serious infraction had occurred and he wanted to make the punishment as long and drawn out as possible. “Jake.” He looks up at me, a stare I’ve never been able to completely match. “Your Mom and I like that you’re taking good care of Lucy. That you’re helping her so much…to get back to…well, to being happier. It’s important for her and for the baby.” I nod again. I know not to interrupt him when he’s in lecture mode. And I’m still waiting for the punchline.
“I can see that you really care for her. That you want what’s best for her.” This is going to be long and painful. I nod again to get him to the point faster hopefully. “Well…” He sighs, sitting back finally, hands flat on his knees, “Are you in love with her?”
I was not expecting him to be this blunt. I thought he’d try to warn me against complicating things, to be a good brother, to her and Max. Not ask me about my feelings!
I stammer, “Of course I love her…”
“No. You know what I’m asking you, boy. Answer me.”
I only nod. It’s all I can do. I haven’t even admitted this feeling to myself. Saying it out loud to him…no, can’t do it. I can’t admit to betraying Max. Not to Dad. Not to myself.
He only nods too and rubs his hands over his face, sighing loudly. Then he fixes me with his stare again. “Family is important, Jake. It’s everything to me really. I loved Alex the moment I saw her in that coffee shop. I saw her sweetness buried under the hard life she had. I saw what she could become. Having you boys in my life…well, that’s just been…more than I ever thought I’d get in this world.”
He’s never spoken to me like this. This warm. He’s been encouraging, supporting, giving before. But not warm. Not really. It makes me a little uncomfortable. I don’t know how to respond to him. So I only nod.
“Everyone deserves a chance at that kind of love. The kind you can’t control; it controls you.” I nod. “If that’s what you have for Lucy…then you shouldn’t let…you shouldn’t let anything stand in the way of seeing if she could feel the same about you.” I can only nod, feeling the tears in my eyes that I see in his too. “But if you’re only acting on some sense of obligation to Max…to take care of his…” He shakes his head, unable to finish. He doesn’t need to. I know what he’s saying.
It’s the same question I had. Briefly. But I know something he doesn’t. I’ve been fighting this need for Lucy since the moment I met her. I never would’ve acted on it, not while she was with Max. But I’ve known I’ve loved her, even if I couldn’t admit it to myself.
“I love her.” I say it quietly, before laughing a little and sitting back too, running my hands through my hair. “I don’t know what to do about it…but I do…”
He nods, but stays quiet. He finally gets up and pats me on the shoulder, only adding, “Just be sure of what you want to do before you do anything…for her sake.”
I stay downstairs for a long time. Walking out to the terrace and listening to the waves.
I cry quietly to myself. For Max. For Lucy. For myself. This is all fucked up.
When I admitted to her how I felt. That day she was stuck in my elevator. I never imagined that I’d get a chance to act on it. I thought I was purging myself of the feelings by getting them out. Here, you take this crap, Lucy. It’s yours, my heart. Now throw it away, so I can get on with my miserable life.
I sniff and suck in the cool, wet air. I already pledged to Max that I would take care of her. No matter what. That I’d take care of his child. No matter what.
But what has me stopping my tears cold isn’t thoughts of Max and what he’d think of me wanting to be with Lucy.
It’s thoughts of what could happen if I wasn’t with her. I know I won’t want anyone else. I might be able to try to make something work, but I’d always know I missed my chance at happiness. Just like I said.
And if Lucy were ever to be with another man…I look down at my hands. Two fists shaking against my knees. This isn’t anger. This is rage. A rage I’ve never felt before. I only tasted it a little that night that asshole had his hand on her. But she wasn’t mine then.
I don’t know if it was the implied blessing from Mom and Dad. The admitting out loud to loving her. Or the realization t
hat I would take care of Lucy how Max would’ve taken care of her. That he’d want me to protect her and keep her. But my indecision is gone.
She was never meant to be anyone else’s except Max’s…but fate stepped in. And I will make her mine.
Chapter 35 HER
“Thanks again for this weekend, Jake. It was exactly what I needed…” I hug him again, still not going into my building though.
“I’m glad. I know it meant a lot to Mom and Dad…they miss seeing you more.” Jake looks down at the big bag of baby stuff next to my other bag. He laughs. “Sure you don’t need some help getting all this upstairs?”
“No. Thanks.” I start to pick up both bags, but leave them on the sidewalk and stand to face him again. I tried to tell him this in the car on the drive back, but I didn’t have the courage. I didn’t want anything to upset the nice weekend.
“I…I don’t know how you always know just what I need…to get me out of my head. To get me to a better place again, but I…I really want to say thank you.” I swallow and look down. “The Fourth was supposed to be the anniversary…of Max telling me he loved me.” I look back up at him and smile. Not a tearless smile, but still a happy one. “I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it without you.”
I throw my arms around him again and kiss his scruffy cheek. He presses against me a little more. But lets me go quickly.
Inside my apartment, alone again, I still feel the glow of a weekend spent with family. I talked with Mom and Dad a lot over the weekend too. I even talked with Cathy. She knew I was having a hard time lately. She and PJ invited me out to Downers Grove for the parade and fireworks too. But she sounded extra happy for me that I was spending the whole weekend away.
I move around the apartment, putting yet another bag of stuff into the den. It’s starting to look cluttered and like a nursery exploded on top of an office. I’ll have to think about getting rid of some furniture soon. This thought only sends a small shiver of fear and sadness through me. I’ve been reluctant to make any changes to the apartment so far. I can face this. I know Jake will help me too, if I ask.
True Control 4.2: A Dark Romance (True Series Book 5) Page 11