‘I’ll never understand you,’ he said.
Allie stirred her coffee silently, not knowing how to reply. His expression was neutral, still apparently reading through his emails, and so there were no clues to his meaning. She supposed she shouldn’t really need any, but it unnerved her, not knowing the starting point of their negotiations and not knowing where they might lead her. For now, however, she had to be content that he was willing to spend time talking to her at all.
‘Where do you want to go?’ he asked.
‘Go?’
‘For lunch. I’m assuming you do want to eat out somewhere.’
‘I could cook. If you like. I don’t mind.’
‘Neither do I,’ he said. ‘If you feel a desperate urge to cook then go for it.’
On another day, Allie might have wanted to slap him for being so damned blasé about it all. But this was progress, and she’d take blasé over contempt. And at least at home they’d be left alone to really get to grips with the issues that she needed him to talk through.
‘I’ll get dressed,’ she said, ‘go to the shops and get something nice in.’
‘If you like,’ he said.
‘What do you fancy?’
‘Surprise me.’
Again, his face was unreadable. Allie let the comment pass – it was all she could do.
* * *
It had to be the tiniest, worst-stocked supermarket in the country, but it was all Cerne Hay had to offer – apart from the lovely farm shop that would have been Allie’s preferred place to buy meat if it hadn’t been just that bit too close to Silver Hill Farm for her liking. Things were under control now in that respect, but she didn’t see the point in pushing it.
‘How are you, Allie, dear?’ Mrs Seacock, the ancient church warden, tapped her on the shoulder as she was perusing the fridges. ‘Haven’t seen you around much lately. Everything alright? Greg’s home, isn’t he?’ She winked in a most disconcerting way. ‘I expect that’s why we haven’t seen much of either of you, isn’t it?’
Allie forced a bright smile. ‘We have been very busy… and we have a lot to catch up on when he’s home. I expect we’ll come down to the village together before he goes back.’
‘It’d be lovely to see you at church this Sunday if you could spare a few minutes. I know Greg likes a good sermon from time to time.’
Greg had said many times how much he hated going to church on Sundays and that he only did it because Mrs Seacock made him feel guilty about not going whenever he ran into her. And the sermons never lasted a few minutes – a few days was more like it – but she let the comment pass.
‘I’ll ask him about it,’ she said.
Mrs Seacock patted her hand. ‘You do that, my dear. And if you don’t mind me saying, you look a little peaky today… Not in the family way again, are you? It wouldn’t be before time.’
Allie blinked. Of all the things to say…
‘No, I’m not. And I’m absolutely fine.’ Casting around for an excuse to escape, she glanced around the shop, only to spot Shay at the entrance. He was coming in for a pack of sandwiches for a quick lunch, no doubt, but could the timing have been any worse? She looked at Mrs Seacock again and couldn’t decide who she wanted to talk to less at that moment. In fact, right now the whole village could vanish in a puff of smoke and she’d be happy to see it go.
But then Mrs Seacock turned to see Shay striding into the shop too and clapped her hands. Allie braced herself, waiting for some barbed comment. Everyone knew about their one-night stand and Mrs Seacock wasn’t known for her tact. But she simply gave a knowing smile and Allie couldn’t decide if this was worse than if she’d actually come out and said what she was thinking.
‘I’d better get on,’ the old lady said. ‘So we’ll see you on Sunday?’
Allie nodded. She was quite sure Greg had no intention of going anywhere near the church on Sunday but at this point she’d have promised anything to get rid of her.
‘Wonderful,’ Mrs Seacock said, bidding her farewell and sauntering along to the biscuit aisle.
Allie hurried away too, moving to a fridge at the back of the shop that she had no need for but would hide her from the view of anyone at the entrance. With her heart beating in her ears she stared into it, hardly daring to turn around. But then she felt a wave of nausea rise in her throat as she heard Shay’s voice behind her.
‘Everything alright?’
‘Yes,’ she said, turning to face him. If he thought she looked pale and unwell then he didn’t comment.
‘Things are calm at home?’
‘Perfectly.’
‘So… you haven’t been down to the farm since I saw you there…’
‘No.’
He gave a stiff nod. ‘Right. I appreciate that.’
I’ll bet you do…
‘Is there anything else?’ she asked.
‘What are you up to?’
‘Shopping.’
‘Right. But after that. I mean, you have an hour free? For a coffee or something? Out of the village, obviously…’
Allie’s eyes widened. Was he being serious? ‘Coffee?’
He smiled, that old assured smile that she knew so well. It had, after all, got her into enough trouble. ‘It could be something else…’
Jesus, he really did think she was weak and pathetic. After everything that had happened he still thought she was sex on tap whenever he wanted it, that she would come running as quick as he flashed her a wink. She drew herself up to her full height.
‘I’m having lunch with my husband.’
‘OK. Well… that’s good. Enjoy.’
With that, he strode off to the sandwich fridge, leaving Allie to grip the shelves where she stood and hope that her legs didn’t give way.
* * *
She had never professed to be the world’s greatest cook, but what Allie did well was the basics. A couple of competently fried steaks and a green salad graced the table as Greg sat across from her. She’d done her best to look half decent – showered, made-up, hair straightened, perfume and her heels on. Not because she had any thoughts of romance, but because she knew just how much her looking needy and pathetic would irk him. This was her one chance to make some progress. Besides, she’d slobbed around in her pyjamas feeling sorry for herself for long enough and it hadn’t got her anywhere.
‘This looks nice,’ he said, pulling the cork on a bottle of wine.
‘Liar,’ she said. ‘It looks like a bag of shop-bought salad and some easy-cook steak.’
‘I can cope with any sort of steak so long as it’s steak,’ he said.
‘I know; that’s why I cooked it.’
With a half-smile he poured her a small glass of wine before measuring a larger one out for himself. But that was OK – she knew it wasn’t a dig at her recent drinking exploits, but acknowledgement that he’d agreed she could pick Josh up from school later. The wine smelt like blackberries as she put the glass to her lips. It smelt like a wine they used to drink a lot of, back in the beginning. Back when they were in love.
‘It’s nice,’ she said.
‘It should be for the price. The steak is good,’ he said, chewing slowly.
‘It should be for the price,’ she said. He let out a short laugh.
‘OK,’ he said. ‘Where do you want to start?’
‘By saying I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am; I can never say it enough. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness and I know that. What I want – at least hope for – is that we can salvage something, even if it’s tiny. I hope we can still be a strong family unit, good parents for Josh, even if we’re not madly in love. But if we could become friends again along the way, find at least something of the feelings we once had for each other… well, that would be more than I could hope for and probably more than I deserve, but it would be wonderful too.’
‘A strong marriage is based on trust above all else.’
‘I know.’
‘So how can you exp
ect us to have any sort of intimate relationship now that you’ve betrayed mine? Twice.’
She winced as he concluded his argument. He was right – not only had she slept with Shay once and started this whole sorry mess, but then she’d been stupid enough to do it again. Instead of moping, wallowing in self-pity and allowing Shay to take advantage, she should have been doing what she was doing now – focusing on putting things right. Why couldn’t she have been as strong as she had been in the supermarket that day right from the start? If ever there was a time for strength it was now.
‘I don’t have an answer for that,’ she said. ‘I wish I did. I can’t change what’s happened – I can only do my best going forward. That’s not the person I want to be and that’s not the life I want. I’m not asking that we pretend nothing ever happened, only that I can try to make amends somehow. I still love you, Greg. I know you don’t believe it but I’m going to keep saying it because it’s true.’
He put his knife and fork down and held her in a steady gaze. ‘That’s what hurts so much about all this,’ he said. ‘Because I still love you. But I can’t touch you without thinking about him touching you, and I can’t look at you without seeing you and him together, and it’s like gouging my soul out with a screwdriver. You have to understand that it’s easier for me to lose you than endure that torment.’
‘We can get past this!’ Allie leaned forward and took his hands across the table. ‘If you still have anything left for me, then I’ll work, I’ll do anything to save our marriage if I can!’
He slid his hands from hers and picked up his cutlery again, looking down at his plate. ‘It’s gone too far now,’ he said.
‘Only if we admit defeat.’
He shook his head. ‘About Josh,’ he said. ‘Let’s make this about Josh.’
Allie gazed into her wine. Frustrating as it was, she had to let him go at his own pace. That they were even having this conversation meant she simply needed to bide her time if she wasn’t going to forfeit the small progress she’d made. There was hope, she was sure of it now.
‘OK,’ she said. ‘Let’s talk about Josh.’
Chapter 24
There was still half an hour before opening time when Pip called. Harper snatched the phone from the counter where she’d been polishing the glass of the display case.
‘Is everything OK?’ she asked before Pip had even greeted her.
‘Good morning to you too!’ Pip said in a bemused voice.
‘Only I tried to call you last night and there was no reply. I thought you might call me, y’know, in the circumstances…’
‘Because I’m in big scary London?’ Pip laughed. ‘Hey, look, I’m sorry. I was distracted – Esther and I were out for dinner and I didn’t realise how late it was. Out of order, I know, and I’m sorry I made you worry.’
‘It’s OK,’ Harper said. She clambered up onto a stool at the counter. ‘You know what I’m like.’
‘Wasn’t Shay there yesterday evening mopping your brow and distracting you from your worries? I’d have thought he’d have been staying every night while you had the place to yourselves.’
Harper paused. Shay had been there, but that was partly why she was so jittery. He’d been sweet, a complete departure from the night before when he’d turned up at the farm covered in cement dust with an attitude murky enough to match. He’d picked up some flowers from Cerne Hay’s one and only supermarket by way of an apology, and he’d even attempted to cook them a supper – although cheesy beans on toast wouldn’t have been her first choice. But the sweeter he was, the worse her guilt, because her thoughts kept wandering to Kristofer. She wanted to be straight with Shay, to tell him that Kristofer had been there helping her out, but she didn’t trust herself to do it without looking as guilty as she felt.
In the end, she hadn’t been able to tell Kristofer not to come back – she didn’t think she could cope with the disappointment that she knew she’d see on his face. He was clearly loving his new role as saviour of her café and her sanity, and she just knew that he was the sort of person who took what he saw as his duty to be kind and compassionate to all others very seriously. And a part of her had wanted to spend time with him again. She’d enjoyed her day working alongside him so much that she would have almost been happy to hear Pip say she wasn’t coming back for another month. But now, as she recalled he was due to walk through the doors any minute, she was plagued with misgivings again.
‘Shay was here,’ she said. ‘But you know I’ll still worry about you.’
‘Don’t worry about me,’ she said. ‘How are you getting on with him at the farm every day? Have you managed to keep your sanity with him under your feet?’
‘Actually, he only did one day with me and since then he’s had a job of his own.’
‘He took work this week?’ Harper could hear Pip’s frown in her voice. ‘But he knows how tough it is to run the tearoom and keep an eye on the animals.’
‘I suppose he has to take the jobs when they come his way; he has a business to run too. It was a pain, though. I had to close the petting zoo for a day; there was no other way around it, but it wasn’t too bad. And yesterday… well, I had help.’
‘That’s good. Who?’
‘Kristofer.’
There was a brief silence. ‘As in Francesca Logan’s friend? The Danish guy?’
‘He’s Norwegian. But yes, him.’
‘Yeah, Norwegian. I don’t quite understand how he’s got involved. I mean, it’s brilliant that you’ve managed to get help but… Did he need a job or something? I thought he was a writer.’
‘He is. But when he found out I was working alone he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Said he had time on his hands and it was all helpful for his research.’
‘Well I don’t see how,’ Pip said doubtfully. ‘Does he fancy you?’
‘Pip!’ Harper felt the blush rise to her cheeks, thankful there was nobody there to see it. ‘I’m engaged and he knows that.’
‘Doesn’t mean he can’t fancy you and it wouldn’t stop a lot of men from trying.’
‘He’s not like that. He just likes helping people.’
‘He must do. What’s Shay got to say about it? I can’t imagine him being happy.’
‘I haven’t had a chance to tell him yet.’
There was another silence at the end of the line, and Harper didn’t need to ask what it meant. Pip was processing the story and probably coming to the conclusion that most reasonable people would come to.
‘Harper,’ she said. ‘Is there the teeniest chance that you fancy Kristofer?’
Harper let out a too-hysterical giggle. ‘Of course not! Just because I’m letting him help in the café and I haven’t yet told Shay? I mean, he’s good-looking and everything, and most people would have to admit that, but I love Shay. So even if I did fancy Kristofer – which I don’t – it wouldn’t matter because I’m engaged to marry Shay.’
‘It wouldn’t be the first engagement to be broken.’
‘I love Shay,’ Harper repeated.
‘OK.’
Harper shot a glance at the doors, but the car park was still empty. There was still twenty minutes until opening and Kristofer would arrive soon, but she hoped it wouldn’t be too soon considering the nature of her current conversation.
‘Anyway, what I need to know about is you and Esther,’ she said, hoping to steer Pip away from her own love life and compose herself for when Kristofer did arrive. ‘I take it from all the time you’re spending together that you’re a couple again.’
‘Sort of. We’re spending time together, but as for anything permanent… well, it’s too early to say. For a start, a lot will depend on her getting a job and where she has to go to do that. If she stays in London, perhaps it’s doable for a while if we commute to each other. Other places…’ She sighed. ‘I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.’
‘But you’re OK with that?’ Harper asked. ‘The uncertainty of it all?’
‘I’m trying not to think that far ahead, because I can’t help how much I’m loving being with her. It’s like we’re two halves of the same soul when we’re together – you know? I don’t know how I lived so long without her. I don’t want to think about losing her again already.’
‘You’ll have some tough choices to make,’ Harper said. ‘You know I’ll support you, whatever you decide. So if you need more time, or if you decide you’re not coming back to Silver Hill, don’t feel guilty. You can tell me and I’ll understand. OK?’
‘I know you would, but I wouldn’t leave you in the lurch. I’m giving all that a lot of thought right now, believe me. Besides…’ a tone of mischief crept into her voice now, ‘it sounds as though you already have a willing volunteer to replace me if I decide not to come back.’
‘Nobody would replace you,’ Harper said, deliberately ignoring the dig. ‘But you’re back at the weekend regardless?’
‘Esther needs to go to Cambridge to see family, and we’ve agreed that we both have a lot to sort out before we make a decision on our future together – or not. So I’m coming back to Silver Hill and she’s going to spend a week or so there. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m messing you around – I don’t mean to—’
‘I know,’ Harper cut in. ‘I can’t pretend it’s not an absolute pain trying to manage without you, but I understand how important this is for you to sort. Take as long as you need to decide, and when you tell me what the decision is, then we’ll do what we need to. Don’t worry about it for now.’
‘You know you’re brilliant, don’t you? The best friend in the whole world…’
‘Don’t you start getting emotional on me when I can’t give you a hug,’ Harper warned with a faint smile. ‘Just get things sorted and I’ll see you at the weekend.’
There was a tap at the glass doors and Harper looked across to see Kristofer standing outside.
‘I hate to cut you off, Pip, but I have to unlock the doors.’
The Summer of Secrets: A feel-good romance novel perfect for holiday reading Page 21