Ash to Steele

  Nathan covers his mouth, coughing to hide his own laughter.

  Shooting Breck a look of promised death, I lengthen my spine, attempting to gracefully walk towards where I parked my car last night. The last few times with Breck play like shots of ecstasy and agony. He’s still insufferable, like this morning, but it’s different. He’s different. His actions are playful instead of angry like before. Something else that’s drastically different slams into me with such force, I nearly stumble. I may have been falsely registered as one of Breck’s sexual conquests, but I’ve just been anointed as the only one who has ever been privileged enough to have been acquisitioned in his home, the first one to be publically escorted to the door. That bit of honor lessens the pain of humiliation of my now damaged reputation. The thought of actually becoming his next conquest sends chills up my spine and heat pulsating between my thighs. I mean, they already think we’ve done the dirty deed, so it wouldn’t change what they think of me, which shouldn’t even matter, but it does. Another thing that matters is that Breck would change how he thinks of me. That sobering fact flushes the carnal thought from my brain. If he has me, we’re done, and I’m nowhere near done not with him yet.

  “You stayed the night with him?” Jess’ shrill screech pierces my ears.

  “Yes,” I hiss, sinking in my chair, “but it wasn’t like that.”

  “Exactly what was it like then, Em?” Jess interrogates, “and you better spill every last detail or I’ll torture it out of you.”

  “We fell asleep watching movies,” I explain, the words sounding ridiculously unbelievable to me even though I know the truth; I was there.

  “Em, if anyone other than you used that excuse, I would call them a damn liar.”

  “Gee, thanks for not questioning my honesty while simultaneously insulting me,” I retort sarcastically.

  “I have to tell Gavin about this! If he finds out that Breck actually just slept with a girl, Breck will never live it down.”

  “Don’t, Jess, please. Things are going good between us lately; I don’t want him resorting back to his angry alter-ego.”

  There’s a pause before Jess lets out a long breath, “You’re not falling for Breck are you? Because that would be a very bad idea.”

  Braden walks by my cubicle, and I sink further into my chair.

  Jess’ question nags at me. “No. Of course not. It’s just that, not being on the receiving end of his wrath is nice for a change.”

  “Alright, good,” Jess sounds relieved.

  The motives of her relief leave me confused, depressed, and a little jealous. That last feeling shames me the most. They’re just friends. I repeat that mantra in my head a few times along with the fact that she’s also my friend and she doesn’t want me to get hurt. I’m starting to believe that it’s too late for that. I’m already too far in with Breck; either way this goes, I’m going to end up hurt. The question is, which path will cause the least amount of suffering?

  If I never act on the sensations rioting inside me whenever Breck is around, or when I even think of him, then my heart will slowly break while my body combusts into flames before burning into virginal ashes. On the flip side, if I give in and allow Breck to fulfill every fantasy I’ve ever had, and then some, my body will still burst into flames, but it will be my heart that simmers to nothing.

  That saying ‘you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t’, is becoming synonymous with everything involving Breck. I don’t like the odds of ‘damned either way’. Closing my eyes, I rub my fingers against my forehead, “I have to go, Jess.”

  “Come out with us this evening.”

  “I have to get ready for the meeting with the gallery owner tomorrow.”

  “Then you absolutely have to go,” Jess states, her mind made up, “it will distract you from your ridiculous self-demeaning worries.”

  “You are just full on insults today aren’t you?” I tease.

  “You love me, and you know it, which is why you’re going tonight. Meet us at Pylah’s at 8:00 p.m.”

  “Fine, Jess. I’ll be there,” I relent, “but I have to go now.”

  “Later, Chickie.”

  Braden rests his arms against the top of the half wall cubicle as I hang up the phone. “Good to hear that you’re getting out some.” Giving me a friendly smile, he taps the wall before heading towards his desk.

  The rest of the day goes by at an excruciating crawl until 4:00 p.m. decides to roll around. I take a long shower when I get home, well, as long as the warmish water holds out, since I only had time for a quick shower this morning after my proverbial walk of shame. Taking extra time to get ready, I decide on black leggings, a denim skirt, and a dark grey sweater while I braid my long bangs to the side and pull my hair into a ponytail.

  Refusing to pull out my paintings to scrutinize them again, I grab my coat and slip into the hall that’s blessedly quiet at the moment. I realize why inside is silent as the cold wind whips around my body when I step outside, seeing my neighbor quickly pocketing a small plastic bag full of a white substance. The landlord is fully aware of the drug problem here, so are the cops. I’ve seen patrol cars drive by several times, but the dealers have their ways of staying under the radar.

  Ducking my head, I pass my neighbor on my way to the car but not before catching how his usually pale skin is ashen, almost ghastly. Whispering a quick prayer for him, I slip into my car, wishing I could do something to help him and his girlfriend, but I don’t even know their names. The heat in my car has just gotten warm when I arrive at the new club I’ve heard the girls at work talking about.

  Jess waves, unwrapping her arm from Jason’s to meet me, “I’m glad I didn’t have to go to your apartment and drag your ass down here. C’mon, Jason’s been waiting in line for an hour, saving us a spot.

  I feel bad taking a spot next to her when I’ve just arrived and others have been there longer. “Don’t I have to go to the back?”

  “Em, stop being so polite!” Jess chastises, “think of it like being at the movies and saving a seat. I would never survive living where you grew up. All those damn irritating southern manners would drive me insane.”

  I let the third insult of the day go without calling her on it; I know she doesn’t mean anything by it. Twenty more minutes and we’re inside, sitting at a high top table in the back of the crowded club. It’s better lit than the Dark Hole, but the lighting is still low, shining in different soft shades giving that mysterious romantic vibe.

  Gavin nods at us as he slowly makes his way through the crowd, stopping to bump fists with a few guys and to wrap his arm around several girl’s shoulders and waists, kissing a few of their cheeks, before making it to the table.

  “How did you get inside so quickly?” I ask, knowing he wasn’t in the line when I arrived.

  “Professional courtesy.” He gives me a wink, “Besides, I beat the shit out of one of the bouncers once at the Dark Hole. We’ve been friends ever since.”

  “I will never understand men,” I laugh.

  “If you want me to show you any of our inside secrets, I’m happy to oblige, sweetheart,” Gavin flashes a teasing smile, “I’d give you the full service, head to toe treatment.” Gavin’s British accent makes him sound sophisticated even when he’s being wildly inappropriate.

  “Between you and Breck, you’re going to send our chaste friend here running for the hills,” Jason laughs.

  “How ‘bout being a gentleman and go get us some drinks,” Jess pushes Jason to his feet. “I know better than to call you a gentleman, Gavin; it would be such a lost cause on you, but you can help with the drinks.”

  “What do you want?” Jason asks Jess, his voice a little on edge.

  “Water and a Caipirinha,” Jess replies, cutting her eyes at him.

  Jason reaches for Jess’ hand, but she pulls it away, and he sighs, shaking his head.

  I have no idea what’s going on.

  “What are you drinking, Em?” Gavin asks, his questioning
gaze darting back and forth between Jason and Jess as well.

  “A margarita, please.”

  “C’mon, Jason,” Gavin encourages, leaning towards Jess and placing his hand on her wrist when Jason is out of earshot. “Lay off, Jess, I mean it. No being on the piss tonight!” his words are a mixture of anger and concern.

  Jess pulls her wrist away but says nothing.

  Gavin’s warning glare stays locked on hers a few seconds longer before heading towards the bar.

  “Is everything okay?” I ask, my previous worry for Jess returning. It’s worse not knowing what it is I’m supposed to be worrying about.

  “Fine,” Jess dismisses the scene with a wave of her black tipped nails.

  Not convinced, I push for more this time, “What is going on with you, Jess? What happened the other night? Tonight? I’m your friend; I want to help, but I can’t if you won’t let me in.”

  Jess drops her head, twisting the candle holder on the table a few times before turning towards me, “I want you to see me as who you see me as now, not as the worst of who I am, or was.”

  “I see you as my best friend. Whatever it is that you tell me won’t change that.”

  Jess’ hand squeezes mine as her eyes mist, “My mom called the other night, that’s why Jason called you. I haven’t seen her in a long time.” Jess stops, looking as if she isn’t sure she should continue. After a few seconds, she shrugs slightly, twisting the candle holder on the table as she mumbles, “She’s an addict, has been since my dad took off when I was a week old. Mostly, she’s been out of my life since I was sixteen, but, when she gets herself cleaned up, she calls me, wanting to be the mom she never was. Problem is, she always starts using again within a few days.”

  Looping my arm through Jess’, I wish I could take away the pain brimming her hazel eyes. I’ve never seen her so sad. “I’m sorry.”

  Jess shrugs again, “You’d think I’d be used to it by now.”

  “Not being used to it, that just proves you’re not jaded.”

  “I’m jaded enough. A few weeks ago, she called me again. I didn’t meet her.” Jess blinks back tears, “I actually told her to never call me again. The last time I met her, things were good for a few days but then I caught her sneaking out in the middle of the night and I lost it, had a bit of a breakdown, almost reverting back to popping pills. That’s why the guys are watching me like a hawk, being annoyingly over-protecting. They think I’m going to relapse or turn to over-indulging in alcohol.”

  “But you didn’t and you’re not,” I tell her, wrapping my hand over hers and squeezing her fingers. I’ve never seen Jess drunk, and I’ve seen her almost every day.

  Jess looks at me, studying me before tears fill her eyes again, “I just admitted that I used to be a druggie and you didn’t pepper me with questions or pull away.”

  “You don’t need an interrogation right now, Jess. You just need someone to listen.”

  A tear slides down her cheek. Wiping it away, she lays her head on my shoulder. “I’ve never told anyone that before. I didn’t even tell Jason about my own history of addiction, but Gavin opened his big mouth last night, telling Jason to keep a close eye on me when we left Breck’s. He thought my three shots of whiskey last night meant more than they did. I told Jason everything before we went to his parents, but just Breck and Gavin knew before that, and that’s only because Breck came after me and pulled my ass out of the hovel I was living in with my boyfriend when I was sixteen, taking me to his grandfather’s house and refusing to let me leave. He and Gavin alternated keeping watch over me while I went through withdrawals.”

  Jess laughs, wiping away another tear, “I was furious with them, especially Breck, since he was the one who busted through the door and beat the shit out of my boyfriend and two of his so-called friends when Breck ordered me to get my things, and the dumbass was stupid enough to stand up to him, telling him that I wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t even know Gavin then. The first time I met him was the night Breck took me to his grandfather’s, and I didn’t make a good impression. I put them through hell, hitting, kicking, and screaming, but once I was detoxed, I realized that they were just taking care of me, just like Breck always did.”

  “How old were you when you first met Breck?” I ask, curious and a little jealous, which makes me feel horrible.

  “Four. We lived on the same street, and Breck always made sure I was safe. When my mom would bring one of her druggie boyfriends over, Breck would sneak me in his window, and I would stay with him until he made sure it was just my mom at home. None of the boyfriends had ever hurt me, but one scared the shit out of me when he was in a seriously bad way before he got high, so Breck decided he wasn’t going to take any chances when I told him. He made me swear to call him if mom brought someone home.”

  Jess looks at me, her eyes and voice hesitant when she continues, “I know you feel more for Breck than you let on. What happened between us only happened once, and both of us know it was a mistake. We were exhausted, scared, our emotions and hormones were heightened above and beyond what normal teenagers struggle with due to the circumstances. We got lost in a confusing moment and that was the end of it.”

  Slipping her fingers through mine, she bumps my shoulder, “I just want to be friends with Breck. More importantly, he doesn’t want me as anything other than a friend, either.”

  I know she’s trying to ease my mind, but after everything she just told me, that’s impossible. “I had no idea, Jess. I’m so sorry.”

  “You aren’t the one who gave my mother the weed, then crank, smack, and every other drug she could get her hands on before her new vice of choice, 2CP.” Jess gives me a sad, slanted smile, “It’s not like she mistreated me. Clearly, she was neglectful, but she always told me she loved me, gave me hugs, told me how much I meant to her. The drugs just meant more than me. I’ve always known that, so no feeling sorry for me allowed.” She gives me another tilted smile, and it breaks my heart.

  Wrapping my arms around her, I give her a tight hug.

  “Mind if I get in on a little of that girl on girl action?” Gavin licks his lips before biting the bottom one, “If you remove your blouses, it would do so much more for me.”

  “Shut up, perv,” Jess smacks his arm.

  Jason hands Jess her drinks, and she kisses him, all earlier surliness gone, before pulling him onto the dance floor.

  “Want me to show you some moves?” Gavin asks, holding out his hand.

  Placing my hand in his, I warn him, “As long as you keep your moves PG.”

  “Damn, sweetheart, you do know how kill a mood don’t you.” Gavin leads me to the dance floor. “I don’t know how to do tame, so you’ll just have to deal with my explicit moves,” he teases, pulling me flush to his large, firm body.

  There’s no denying Gavin has skills. The way he handles me on the dance floor has several women vying to be in my place. When the song is over, I feel like I’ve lost more than a just a few beads of sweat. His dark eyes roam over me playfully, “Not bad for a country girl.”

  “We country girls know how to hoedown,” I tease.

  “It’s you ho-in’ up I’m more interested in,” Gavin laughs.

  Nodding my head to a group of girls checking him out, I crack, “Not going to happen, but I think you have your pick of a varied selection of urban takers who look like they would prefer your X-rated moves.”

  “I’m not the only one getting attention,” Gavin winks, leaving me on the dance floor wondering who he was referring to as he walks to his groupies.

  Jess is alone at the table when I get back. “Jason’s gone for food and more drinks. I’m starving.”

  I have another kind of hunger on my mind as I check my cell and glance towards the door, wondering where Breck is. Gavin is in the middle of the dance floor with three girls surrounding him, and I roll my eyes, “How did Breck and Gavin meet?”

  Jess gives a slight shrug before her gaze softens into a vagueness I see her do
a lot when Breck is the topic. “There were a few years when Breck was living somewhere else.”

  “He moved?”

  Jess’ eyes become guarded as she nods.

  “He met Gavin during that time. Gavin was the resident bad ass; Breck shifted that hierarchy soon.”

  “How?” I ask stupidly, already guessing the answer.

  “Gavin was into fighting and was undefeated, or so he says,” Jess laughs. “When Breck came along and was winning fights of his own, Gavin challenged him.”

  “Breck stood up to him,” I state, not at all surprised.

  “And won. After that, a war began between the two and lasted until Gavin was outnumbered one night by some diehard gang bangers. He was getting the hell beat out of him and one of the guys pulled a knife; that’s when Breck stepped in.

  “That’s when he was cut,” I gasp.

  “Breck told you?” Jess seems shocked that he divulged any personal information to me, and jealously accosts me again.

  “No, not exactly. I saw the scar and he said he was cut in a fight but didn’t give any more details.”

  “You saw Breck’s scar?” Jess’ brow is arched as she stares at me with her hazel eyes full of curiosity.

  “We got wet.”

  “Oh, I’m sure you did, honey,” Jess grabs my wrist, jerking me towards her with wide, gluttonous eyes, “You better be for telling me how you saw his scar.”

  “We got wet from the rain! Now, don’t change the subject.” I glance at Gavin, who is currently hitting on a pretty blonde, “Is that when they became friends?”

  Her grip loosens on my wrist and a twinge of disappointment and relief flashes across her face. “Yeah, male code respect or something. They were inseparable after that, forming some kind of untouchable duo that no one fucked with, including when they started school.”

  “Started school?”

  Jess’ cheeks flame, looking flustered, “I mean when he started high school in Boston.”

  “Breck moved back?”

  Jess opens her mouth, then closes it. It’s clear that she’s unsure about continuing. “Breck and I used to live in Detroit. He moved to Boston when he was sixteen.”