He reached for my hand and squeezed. ‘I dream only of that day.’
Chapter Thirty-five
I took a dip in the lake a short distance from the dark castle. If I was going to meet my birth mother, I wanted to look like me.
That, and I needed time to think. I swam out to the middle and floated, my hair swimming around me as I tipped my head back and worked my fingers through till I’d rinsed the brown curls away. The water was cool and fresh, the sky a work of art—infinite points of glittering colour on an endless blanket of silent black. And here I was, a tiny dot, open and connected to the enormity of it all. It put things in perspective and I thought of one of Dad’s favourite quotes in times of trouble: ‘This too will pass.’
An opportunistic dark faery swam out to try her luck at a bargain. I floated serenely and wondered aloud what her new king would say when he found out. She dipped beneath the inky dark and vanished—silent and slick as a mermaid.
I turned over and did laps until I was calm, until the paint and colour were washed clean from my body, until I felt a kind of acceptance of the situation. The last thing anyone needed was to have me falling to pieces.
Finelle was awake and propped up with pillows when I walked into Baen’s room, a sea of crimson and gold silk tumbling to the floor when she tried to sit up. Her eyes, though bruised with shadows, sparkled in the light of Baen’s multitude of lamps and candles.
Linden stood up quickly and said he’d wait outside. When he was gone, Finelle’s arms opened in a fragile kind of way, as though asking a question.
I gave her the hug she was waiting for. She felt so much smaller than my human mother—lighter, finer boned. But her arms gripped tight like they’d never let go. When I drew away and took the seat Linden had left, she wiped her eyes before placing a trembling hand on my head. ‘Your hair is wet.’
I’d imagined meeting her so often since I’d discovered her existence. The idea had always given me a thrill of anticipation mixed up with something a bit uncomfortable. I never could work out why. And here, now, the feeling lingered. This faery gave birth to me, carried me tucked against my twin inside her. I wanted to be joyful. I wanted to be so excited.
‘I didn’t recognise you,’ my mother said.
I smiled awkwardly. ‘It was a good disguise.’ She was so familiar, the family connection wrapping us together, comforting as a hug. But she was a stranger too. Which was odd because with my Fae grandparents the love had been instant and glowing. As for my brother, finding him was one of the highlights of my life— despite his cool reaction. But here with Finelle, something was holding me back, blocking me. It was almost physical.
What’s wrong with me?
‘Do you feel all right?’ I asked her, testing her forehead with my palm. ‘You’re cold.’ I pulled the bedcovers up and tucked them around her before placing my hands on her cheeks and giving her some sun.
‘That feels nice,’ she said with a soft smile. ‘But I’m well … Linden took care of me.’ Her eyes stayed glued to mine. Deep violet blue—a reflection of my own. ‘I thought you were lost,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘I thought you and Lysander were both lost.’
Lost to Faera, lost to immortality, lost to her. I shook my head. ‘No, not lost.’
Questions hovered at the edge of my mind. Why did you leave us? Why did you separate us? Why didn’t you come back? But I didn’t let them leave my lips because mostly I knew the answers. She must have seen my expression. ‘I don’t know how to explain … Our reasons for taking you to Earth seem foolish now.’
‘You were afraid.’
‘We planned to return for you, but … everything went wrong.’ She watched her clenched fists and my heart tore at the sorrow in her voice.
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, felt her shivering body. ‘Please don’t feel bad … I love my human family.’ I was about to mention my amazing mum and dad but stopped. I didn’t know how she’d take it and the last thing I wanted was to hurt her. It made me hug her harder still.
She took a shuddering breath. ‘I thought I’d never get to hold my daughter in my arms again.’
Daughter. The word was a key unlocking my feelings. As Finelle’s arms tightened around me, the image of another woman filled my mind—a woman in her sixties with once amber hair turned grey, who’d never attempted to make herself appear younger or prettier with hair dye or make-up for fear of what it might do to me. A woman who’d been present every day of my childhood, making sacrifice after sacrifice to keep me safe and well—starting from the time she gave up her career as a midwife to care for the sick little baby who’d come into her life. And as the faery I was holding told me how wonderful it would be to finally be a mother to me, I could only think—But I already have a mother.
She must have sensed my stress because she drew away. ‘I’m being insensitive. You barely know me.’
‘It’s just … it’s so new.’
‘Marla, for now I am Finelle, your new friend. But know that you are my heart and have been from the second you were conceived.’ She was family not friend. I could feel it. But I let her continue. ‘I’m glad all is well with your humans. Your father and I chose them so carefully.’
‘You chose them?’
‘We visited adoption agencies till we found the perfect pair. Then we watched them—in their workplaces, in their home. We even met with them over cups of tea … Of course they have no memories of it.’
My intrigue swamped every other feeling. ‘You confused them?’
She nodded. ‘And altered paperwork. When I gave birth to twins, we were so pleased with Lewis and Karen Smith we considered leaving you both in their care … With King Telophy so enraged, we thought best not to risk it in the end.’
‘You knew he’d be looking for twins.’
She nodded.
But what an intoxicating thought. If Lysander had been raised in my family, my parents would be his. Ashleigh would be a sister to him and none of the bad feelings between them would exist. ‘Which of us was born first?’ I asked, feeling sad at the loss of what might have been.
‘Lysander,’ she said softly.
‘He told me so.’ The memory made me smile.
But Finelle wasn’t smiling. ‘We were organising last-minute details with your humans when the first pangs came. It happened early, and much too fast … We almost made it to the sunpath.’
My eyes grew wide. ‘Lysander was born in Australia?’
She nodded. ‘In nature, surrounded by trees.’
‘And me?’
‘I made it home to birth you. You were so peaceful, it made me worry for your brother—was he so fretful because he was born out of place?’
A disturbing thought occurred to me. ‘Is that why he has no betrothed?’
Finelle grew paler still. ‘We were worried it might be so.’
I could have kicked myself for blurting it out. My heart felt sick and heavy, and the anguish on her face was painful to watch. I caught her hand and wrapped it in mine. ‘He’s not really worried about it.’
Tears slid down her cheeks. ‘Is he well? Happy?’
‘He loves Faera and talks about meeting you every day.’ I squeezed her hand and stood. ‘And he wasn’t fretful because of where he was born, it’s because he’s got a temper—which he’d use against me if he knew I was keeping you from him.’
‘Wait,’ she said, not letting go of my hand. ‘Will you tell me why you were here with the King?’
I watched her—the lines in her forehead. Telling her the truth while we were still in Dark Faera was a bad idea. She might accept it. She might fall to pieces. Or she might fly straight to the Dark King’s castle. ‘I’ll tell you, Finelle, that’s a promise. But there are some things I need to take care of in Faera first.’
A thin line of silver was just beginning to form on the horizon when we left Dark Faera—the dawn of a new day.
Linden carried Finelle. After losing blood and sun to the Shadow Fae, she was
still able to release her wings, but they struggled to carry her far. When we arrived in Faera, we decided a few hours of recuperation in Daphne’s care would leave her in a much better state to reunite with her son and parents. After leaving her there with Linden, I made my way back to the castle.
It wasn’t until I was alone that the lead-heavy sense of failure truly hit me. Even though the prospect of King Telophy being with Baen instead of Rual hadn’t seemed quite as horrendous at the time, the reality for my former king was the same—he was without his soul.
I could have brought him home. And now I would have to face Leif and tell him.
A quick glance at my daystone told me he would be at breakfast. My head throbbed as I made my way downstairs and all I wanted was to collapse into bed. But rest would have to wait.
As though I’d hit a wall, I stopped in the doorway, the air sucked out of me. Leif sat in the seat once his father’s and it was like I was seeing him for the first time. I was pulled to him—physically, spiritually, emotionally—my soul connected to his by a cord, invisible as air but unbreakable as the trunk of the Great Spirit Tree. There was no way I could contain the feelings building inside me.
I closed my eyes, squeezing back tears as I tried to tamp down on the overload of feelings. When I opened them again, I stared down the long length of table. Leif was alone and there were no other places set. Should I quietly sneak away—go back to my room and pull myself together? But he was already on his feet, chair pushed out behind him, his eyes full of questions. How long had he been watching me? I had the feeling he’d already said my name.
I cleared my throat. ‘I hope I’m not interrupting.’
‘I don’t know what you’d be interrupting.’
I scanned the table. ‘I thought maybe you wanted to be alone.’
He made a set of scales with his hands and weighed up his options. ‘Hmmm, eat with Marla, or eat alone?’ He smiled, dark eyes crinkling at the corners. A rush of heat and my insides were melting like butter left out on a hot day. He turned to one of the waiting maids. ‘A second place, please.’
The maid dropped a curtsy and left. I crossed the room on shaking legs, taking the seat that had been his before he became king. Emotions crashed and fought for space inside my head.
‘You’re trembling,’ he said, breaking the silence.
‘I feel a bit dizzy.’
He frowned and topped up his goblet, passed it to me. ‘Here, drink this.’
The sweet, tart juice cooled my blood.
The maid returned and set a place before me, filling a second goblet. Another maid served, and both left when they were done.
Leif broke the end off a twist of pastry. ‘Tell me what’s bothering you.’ Lifting his fingers to his mouth, he watched me as he took a bite.
Oh God, where do I start?
I swallowed hard. ‘I was going to request a meeting in the receiving room.’
Leif dusted powdery sugar from his fingers. ‘You’re starting to worry me, Marla. If you have something to say, you should say it. We’re alone here.’ There was unease in his voice, as though he expected the weather to turn nasty.
I burned to reach for his hand and clutch it in mine. Somehow I refrained and forced myself to hold his eyes. ‘Leif, I’m so sorry. Your father went to Dark Faera … Baen has his soul.’
Silence. Blazing silence as the colour left his face.
‘I thought I could save him … I tried, but … it didn’t work.’
‘What?’ His voice was filled with disbelief. ‘What are you saying, Marla? Did you witness this?’ His hands clutched the table and I thought the wood might splinter. ‘Did you know he was going?’
I stared at my fingers clasped together.
‘Look at me,’ he commanded. I jumped, my cutlery clattering to the floor.
He was the King and I was his subject. I did what I was told. His eyes were narrow—glittering dark and dangerous. His knuckles were white and I imagined him sending the table and everything on it flying. ‘Did. You. Know. His. Plans?’
My breathing was fast, pulse thumping. ‘Yes,’ I whispered.
He lifted his elbows to the table and put his face in his hands, rubbing his fingers hard against his forehead. When at last he lowered them, he looked more like his father than he ever had before. Serious, older, like he’d aged ten years.
‘I’m sorry.’ There was nothing else I could say.
‘Start from the beginning and leave out nothing.’ He was formal, distant. All I wanted was to kneel before him, wrap him in my arms and nuzzle my face into his thighs, apologise a hundred times over. I blinked my tears away. He noticed. I could feel it in my heart. But he only waited for me to begin speaking.
I told him everything, from the moment I’d first suspected King Telophy was planning a trip to Dark Faera to the time I arrived home this morning. And despite the thick headache and tiredness weighing down my eyelids and limbs, I answered each of his questions in as much detail as he requested.
Finally, he sat back and watched me for a while, then quietly said, ‘Marla, I feel so let down. You’ve let me down.’
My lip quivered.
‘I don’t say this to upset you. I say it because it’s true … But you’re exhausted, you should sleep. Where’s your mother? She’ll need allegiance.’
‘She’s with Daphne.’ Then softly I said, ‘I thought I could bring him home … I really did.’
‘I understand that … But he’s my father.’ His eyes shone and he looked away. ‘Imagine it had been yours. Imagine it had been Lewis and I’d kept all this from you.’
A rushing feeling in my chest as everything locked into place—his anger, his hurt, the betrayal he was feeling. My head spun.
His voice was quiet. ‘It wouldn’t hurt so much if it wasn’t you.’
I wiped my eyes. ‘It won’t happen again, Leif. I swear it.’
He stood and went to the door to speak to the sentry before turning back to me. ‘None of what happened to my father is your fault, Marla. Don’t think I’m blaming you. What you did was selfless. But it was reckless too. Had you confided in me we could have worked together.’
A maid appeared at the door. ‘Marla has been a night without sleep,’ he told her. ‘Make her a bath of velvere and rosilawood. Bring her caramint tea and make her bed ready while she bathes.’
She turned to go and as I went to follow, Leif caught my hand. ‘We’re better together, don’t you think? Together we can get things done … I help you. You help me.’
Wild thoughts of love and togetherness raced through my mind making it impossible for me to even consider a response.
‘I’ll send for you when I’m to give Finelle allegiance.’ He released my hand and brushed my cheek with his fingers, leaving the feel of him on my skin. I covered it with my hand as though I could keep it and followed the maid out the door.
Light was just beginning to slip from the sky when Leif and I arrived at the lakeside home once belonging to my birth parents and now claimed by their son. Outside, we chose a wide branch with a good view all around, and flicked our wings away. I sat down, my feet dipping into the leaves below, barely able to think of anything but just being with Leif. He walked along the branch and leaned against the trunk, shadow and light and breathtaking beauty.
I tore my eyes from him and looked at the little home below. Golden light poured through the windows, creating a safe haven for faeries and forest creatures alike. And sunstones shone in the surrounding trees, the limbs spreading out and across the lake, ready for the encroaching dark.
‘Thanks for coming here, Leif.’ He could have had Finelle brought to him—a quick ceremony in the receiving room.
‘Your family’s been a long time without her. I thought they might like it.’ He smiled and crouched down, ran a finger along the rough bark. ‘What do you think Lysander will do when he meets her?’
Forcing my eyes from his thigh muscles, I looked at the happy picture below. I could see Leander
through the window, chatting to Lysander or Melody. Messages had been sent for them to meet us here. I’d considered asking Asher and Faun, but didn’t want the disappointment of their son not being found with his wife.
Stretching my legs before me, the tips of my toes just touched the branch beside ours. ‘I don’t know, but it’ll be loud … Knowing her is half of Lysander’s dream.’
‘The other half is knowing his father,’ Leif said quietly.
I let my legs fall. ‘Leif …’
‘I imagine he’ll pick her up and swing her around the room.’
‘I wish her being here hadn’t come at such a price.’
Laughter floated through the open windows. Leif pushed off the trunk and came to sit beside me. ‘I was hard on you … I know you understand the reason.’
‘I’d have been exactly the same.’
‘I’ll need to call an assembly. There are many disturbing aspects to the story you told.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You were attacked by Shadow Fae in Dark Faera—that shouldn’t be possible. The magic within that prevents one type of faery from physically attacking another should have protected you. Also, we don’t know what it means for a Dark Fae to possess the soul of a king. We don’t know the possible threat to Faera. Baen sounds less vile than Rual, and even though he made a vow not to use the power for evil, we don’t know how having possession of my father’s soul might change him.’
I felt stupid for not even considering these things and told Leif so.
‘Your thoughts were only of saving my father, Marla, of what that would mean—to him, to me and my mother. My reaction this morning had little to do with why you went, only that you didn’t confide in me. I want you to be clear on that.’
‘I am, but I should have—’
He pressed a finger to my lips. ‘You can’t think of everything. No one can. You have your perspective. I have mine.’
‘But I’m learning. What I’ve seen in Dark Faera …’ I couldn’t finish the sentence.
‘Learn you will, but that won’t change the soul-deep traits that make you who you are.’
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