I sighed loudly. This was getting boring. “Because a) I’m not into having a voyeur and b) I’m not dating, I’m just concentrating on my career and c) all of you shut the fuck up about the wolf.
“Do you know wolves can smell a female’s arousal? Makes sense really doesn’t it?” Frankie fixed me with his gaze. My eyes went wide. Oh please God no. Did that mean Darius knew I had damp panties in the cafe? Although for all he knew they could have been damp for Frankie. They had been frequently before he’d turned into a vamp wimp.
“Well, Darius has a date with a fairy called Glenda on Friday, so that will take his mind off me.” I said.
“You finally algorithmed him?” Frankie’s jaw dropped.
Shelley scratched the side of her temple. “Why has it taken so long to get Darius a date? He’s been on our books for months.”
“Yes, but according to Kim, she’s kept having ‘computer glitches’ when she tries to put his details in. He’s had to have two months membership refunded so far.”
Shelley’s eyes narrowed at me. Great, he’d dropped me in the shit. “Might I remind you that those memberships pay our salaries and without the agency members we wouldn’t have employment? Is there anyone else you’ve been unable to process?”
“No.” I looked at the floor.
“So, you are completely uninterested in Mr Wild, yet somehow he’s the only dating club member to encounter ‘glitches’ in his application. Hmmm.”
The phone thankfully interrupted the conversation at that point and I got ready to make my escape back to my own office.
“Yes. What? Seriously? You sure about this? Hmmm, okay, I’ll pass the message on.” Shelley ended the call and looked at me.
“That was Ebony. She said - and these are her words not mine, so don’t shoot the messenger - that ‘your actions will put you in great danger, but this is the only way you will accept your destiny’.”
“Did she sound like she’d been on the vodka again?”
“Look, Kim.” Shelley said, and she’d gone into mother-mode so I had to pretend to listen. “If Ebony has ‘seen’ something in your future, some danger, you must be very careful.”
“It’s a good job I’m around to protect you.” Said Frankie, then he saw our faces and scowled. “Hey, there’s no need for the look either of you gave me then. I’ll gain my vamp skills. It’s just taking me a while longer; I’m a slow developer.”
“The only thing I’m in danger of is going insane around the lot of you.” I said in a huff, going out and slamming the door behind me. Of course it didn’t actually slam because my permanent shadow was behind me and it smacked him in the face instead, making me feel bad.
God, I couldn’t even have a tantrum in peace now.
I stormed into my own office to find Lucy sat waiting in front of my desk.
“Oh what do you want now? I’m having a hell of a day already?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Like you have any real idea of what one of those is like.”
I huffed. “Sorry, Lucy.” I pointed to Frankie who had sat in a chair in the corner. “This is all getting to me now.”
Frankie glared at me. “I’m having treatment. It’s not like I want to sit with you all day, every day.”
“Hmmm.” Lucy crossed one leg over the other, revealing a shapely thigh through the split in the side of her black wrap dress and the red flash of her Louboutin sole. “He’s not as clingy. What treatment are you having, Frankie? I think it’s doing something.”
“I’m having talking therapy with Theo.”
Lucy scoffed. “No, there’s something else going on. Some trickery. I can feel it. It makes my horns tingle and they’re tingling right now.” She got up and walked over to Frankie. “Hmmm, I don’t know what Theo’s doing but there’s something you’re unaware of. Theo is being a naughty vampire.” She clapped her hands. “Ooh, goody, he’s been so boring since he slayed his own kin.”
“I can assure you that the only thing we’ve been doing is talking while enjoying a really fine vintage of a sherry-casked scotch.”
At this point Lucy roared with laughter.
“Sherry-casked? Has your scotch got a little of a red tinge to it, Frankie?”
Frankie’s nostril’s flared. “What are you saying?”
Lucy stroked Frankie’s cheek. “Oh, baby, I think you’re being weaned.”
He glared at me. “Did you know about this, Kimberly?”
Whoa, full name alert.
“Don’t be ridiculous. Look at my face. I’m as shocked as you are. It makes sense though as to why you’ve been a bit more jovial and insulting towards me.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “Well, I am not impressed at being tricked.”
“But Frankie, it’s working, whatever it is. For all we know it might really have been sherry-casked scotch. You can’t believe the she-devil. She’s not exactly a trustworthy specimen is she?”
Frankie exhaled loudly.
“Can you sit back in your seat?” He asked Lucy. “You’re freaking me out.”
She smirked at him but did as he asked.
I clasped my hands together. “So, what can I do for you today, Lucy?”
“I need you to expedite my first date. It is most prudent that I find love immediately, as I fear I shall slip back into my old ways otherwise.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m feeling, well, evil. More evil than usual since I’ve been back on earth. I don’t like it. I can’t go back there. So I need you to find me love, pronto.”
She placed a hand down the top of her dress and adjusted her breasts. “What is going on with these things? They’re straining my brassiere at the leash.”
“Erm, Lucy. Do you also want to eat sweet stuff; maybe have a few pimples?”
“Yes. This turning human thing is no joke. I also weigh a few pounds more.”
“Have you had a period since you came back down to earth?”
Lucy tilted her head and looked up to the right. “No. Oh fuck, that’s what this is? I’m not going back evil - I have pre-menstrual tension?”
“It certainly sounds that way.”
Lucy smiled. “Oh that is so very wonderful. I can embrace my current evil then because it will wear off in a few days.” She looked over at Frankie calculatingly.
“Try anything with me and I’ll pray to you know who to stick you in the menopause. I hope my house is still in one piece too.”
“Yes, I’m making myself quite at home there. However, if you’re improving I’d better find love quickly so I have somewhere to go on your return.”
“He-who-can’t-be-named help them.” Frankie retorted, earning a red-eyed flash in return.
Chapter Nine
Lucy
It made the most perfect sense now. I wasn’t becoming evil again after all. I was getting my cycle back! No one would ordinarily be ecstatic that their period was coming, but on this occasion I was going to be an exception to the rule. For a start, I had permission to be bad tempered. Also, I could eat chocolate without guilt and curl up at home with a hot water bottle as I kept getting chilly down here in Withernsea, despite saying I didn’t want to be around any heat.
“Could you please run my details through your system and get me my first date? Please?” I begged, which pained me but I knew the way around someone like Kim was to suck up and tell her how brilliant she was. “Come on. I know you’ll find me someone. I bet since you took over, Shelley’s so jealous of how fabulous you are with the supernaturals. Do you know, I bet she’s feeling a tad redundant.” I stirred, warming up to my PMT.
“Actually, Kim’s hardly set anyone up yet. She’s been ‘learning the ropes’,” Frankie responded using air quotes.
Kim sat back straight in her chair. “That was true but now I’m about to prove myself as Queen of Supernatural Dating and you, dear Lucy, can indeed have a date. Give me a moment to load up your profile.”
I waited as she keyed some information int
o her computer.
“Ah, here we are. Your first pairing is with Jared. Jared is an Eagle Shifter.”
“Is he flame retardant? Do you ask that question by any chance?” I tried to say the question as an aside but Kim just leaned forward over her desk.
“Is. He. Flame. Retardant?”
She slapped herself in the forehead.
“It’s really hard not to blaspheme here.” She raised her voice, looking at Frankie. “Fuckety-fuck, she’s going to flambé all my clients. They don’t make a Scotchguard for supernaturals you know?”
She swung her chair to the left as she made a large huffing sound and she banged some more keys.
“Right. Your first date is now with Todd. Todd is a ghost.”
“A ghost? You want me to date a ghost? Where’s the future with someone wispy? Can he turn stiff? Actually forget that question.” I said noting her reaction.
“He’ll be a good practice date. Todd is an ex-swimwear model who drowned a few years ago on a shoot.”
“He drowned modelling swimwear? How ironic.”
“Yes, he couldn’t swim which didn’t matter as it wasn’t required on a shoot. However, he’d been two-timing with his co-models and one of them slipped him a sedative before knocking him over the side of the boat. She subsequently killed herself rather than face jail.”
“Christy?” I queried, recalling the large-breasted blonde. “I liked her. Oh this is that Todd. Apparently hung like a horse. It was a shame having to torture her as I always had sympathy with people who were two-timed.”
“I should have known she’d go to Hell. So you met her? Well, Todd learned his lesson. Now, although he’s a ghost; in answer to your question, he is able to become solid.”
“Whey-hey.” I said rubbing my hands together.
“That is not what I meant. I meant he can come out on a proper date. Now the downsides of dating a ghost. Should he come to terms with his traumatic death, he may see a light, travel towards it and that’s him done. Off to the place that shall not be mentioned, or, your old place of work, depending on how his life on earth balances out. Also, he can only solidify for two hours at a time, then he has to kind of charge himself back up for ten hours, so you have to work around that with any dates. The big advantage however is you can’t set him on fire. He’s totally untouchable by earth, air, fire or water. Hence, he’ll make a fantastic first date.”
“Okay and so when is Todd available?” I asked, taking out my iPhone and opening my calendar.
“How’s Friday?”
“Friday night would be very acceptable. Now where shall I meet him?”
“What about Jetty’s Ice Cream Parlour? The temperature of the place is warm but of course the ice-cream is cool, so you can choose what temperature you need to be. As a ghost, Todd doesn’t feel the temperature, so it won’t bother him.” She scratched her chin. “Now, what I can do if you like… and I wouldn’t ordinarily offer this to a client-”
“Yes?” I wished she’s get to the point.
“Well, seeing as it’s your first date and you are at your own admission, very out of practice, what would you think of having a double date? With me and one other?”
“Oooh, I wonder if I will be able to taste the ice cream?” said Frankie, and I saw Kim’s face dull.
“Oh God, I forgot about you.”
“Gee thanks. And don’t think I don’t know what’s going on here. Wolfman has his date Friday night too. Oh, I wonder where you suggested he take her.”
“Shut your pie-hole before I stake you.” Kim snapped.
Ooh this was getting interesting. So Kim liked a wolf? If my date got boring, I could play with all the other human and supernaturals.
“A double date sounds just the thing,” I said. “Now what are you planning on wearing?”
I returned home feeling very pleased with myself. I had a date for Friday night! With a swimwear model no less. He was sure to be dead fit. I chortled at my inner joke.
I wondered if Maisie would have returned yet from her overnight next door. I pushed open the front door and hanging up my bag and coat in the hallway, I ran towards the living room after hearing the most horrendous hissing sound.
Halting at the doorway in shock, I witnessed Maisie in female form surrounded by about fifteen male pixies. They were throwing stones at her, their faces alight with mischief.
“What’s going on?” I demanded.
“It would appear they’re upset that I’ve offended their leader. Except I wasn’t the one who took him home was I? So if you could just explain that to them, then maybe, ‘ow, stop that,’ they’ll let me go.”
“But then they’ll start on me.” I drew my brows together in thought. “Just a minute.” I took out my cell and punched in a number.
“Kim. How do you deal with pixies? As in get rid of them?”
I waited.
“What do you mean you’re not an encyclopaedia of the supernatural? You run a dating agency for them. I’d suggest you learn so you can match-make better you sarcastic bitch. Thanks a lot. I have a pixie situation at home. Yes, in Frankie’s house. Oh, he’ll talk to me. Good that someone cares.”
I waited again.
“Frankie? Can you help me? I have a house full of evil pixies.”
“They’d better not be destroying my home.”
“They’re not but they’re picking on Maisie. However, I didn’t think the RSPCA would believe me that I had pixies being cruel to the animal.”
He sighed. “I brought a book back from Theo’s to read while Kim’s working. It’s all about supernaturals. Pixies you say? Poor Maisie. She’s not hurt is she?”
“No, she’s fine.”
“What are they doing in my house, anyway?”
“Look, tell me how to get rid of them and then I’ll tell you how they got here. They’re throwing stones right now and your mirror is getting chipped.”
“That’s an antique.” He screamed down the phone.
“So get looking them up.”
I heard pages being flipped. “Iron.”
“Typical, I’m always being punished for not doing housework. Where do you keep it?” I sighed.
“Keep what?”
“Your iron.”
“Not an iron! Iron the element. I have an iron knife hung in the kitchen among my other kitchen tools. Just wave it about at them though. Don’t kill them.”
I took the phone through to the kitchen with me. He had so many cooking implements you’d have thought he was Gordon Ramsey. “Got it. Thanks.” I hung up and walked back in the room.
“Back off.” I waved the knife around and they screamed with fright and raced to the back of the room, fighting to put others in front of themselves. The noise was like nothing you had ever heard, like multiple people screaming after inhaling that gas from balloons.
“Silence.” I roared, flames flickering at the ends of my fingertips.
“P-P-permission to speak?” asked a pixie at the front.
“Permission granted.”
“We came at the command of our leader, Tristan, who suffered a large embarrassment here. You see, as our leader, Tristan is held in esteem as being a very skilled and practised lover and you have sullied his reputation by the loss of his, erm, hair. In our realm, the, er, hairier the better and so by divesting him of this, he is now considered weaker and should rumour go around our court he could be challenged as Pixie leader.”
“So what does that have to do with you throwing stones at Maisie?”
“We thought she was you and Tristan had sent us here to get you to apologise and to somehow find a way to mend his reputation. You caused the incident and so in pixie law you must solve it. Otherwise you will have pixie’s visit you until you make amends and believe me that is not fun.”
I drew in a breath. “Let me think on this a while. What do pixies like to eat and drink while I consider things?”
“We would love a drink of milk.” The pixie stepped forward. “I am Lorn
an.”
I shook his small hand in mine. I must have been rat-arsed last night to take a pixie home. What had I been thinking?
“They can’t have my milk.” Maisie’s eyes narrowed into slits.
“You have special cat milk, they can drink my semi-skimmed.” I reassured her. “Now, while I get your drinks, I need you to tidy all these stones up if you don’t mind, Lornan. Only this isn’t my house.”
“Oh we like to tidy up.” Lornan said. “We’ll repair any damage too.”
They set off to work while I returned to the kitchen. I phoned and asked for Frankie again who told me to pour it into bowls for them to share. Who’d have thought the vamp reject would have a use?
While the pixies enjoyed their milk, I walked back into the lounge to see how Maisie was doing.
“Had they been any smaller I’d have changed to my feline self and chased the bastards.” She said.
“Yes, well talking about your kitty side, I have an idea to get me out of this scrape I’ve got myself into and all I can say is you’ll benefit, so turn and lie down please.”
“Oooooh,” said Maisie. “You’ve decided to give me a try?”
“No, now turn into a cat, like pronto.” I held out a cat brush. “I’ll tickle your chin with it if you’re good.”
It was hard to reconcile a black cat with my new friend. She sat on the carpet at the side of me while I gave her a good brush. Very pleasingly lots of fur came off into the brush and while her fur gleamed silkily, I kept cleaning the brush out with my fingers and piling it up. I brushed around her chin and she head-rubbed back, clearly enjoying her little cat self. She was purring away, and I tickled the top of her head.
By the time the pixies made their way back into the living room the job was done. “Maisie. Time for you to go out now.” I said and with a prance she was out of the room and I heard the cat flap smack shut behind her.
I held up the pile of fur. “Will you be able to make a merkin out of this for Tristan?” I asked Lornan. “And please offer my sincere apologies. I would offer them in person but unfortunately my powers are a little awry and I would hate to accidentally set anything else on fire.”
A Devil of a Date Page 6