As we stepped inside ‘Jetty’s’, a waitress came over to show us to our table. Lucy had already arrived. She was sitting there, dressed to impress in a curve revealing bodycon dress in black lace, her Louboutins still on her feet. From behind the waitress, Todd appeared. He just apparated right behind her. Poof, there he was. She jumped as she turned around. For Todd was standing there in nothing but his swim shorts, muscles flexing everywhere.
“Oh my.” I said.
“Erm, Sir. We do actually have a dress code.” The waitress said.
I stepped over. “Oh Todd. I’m so sorry.” I laughed. “Go along with this,” I whispered in his ear. “We forgot to tell you we weren’t doing fancy dress any more.”
Todd turned to me. “I’m sorry, I only have the clothes I died in. I never thought.”
“Here, would you like to borrow my jacket?” Goose bumps trailed up the back of my neck at Darius’ voice. As we turned towards him he handed over a full length fake fur jacket. “This should keep you warm.”
I looked at his date. Her photo had shown a dark-blonde haired plain Jane. It appeared Morgan had had a makeover. She was a wisp of a thing, with long blonde curled hair, the most bewitching green eyes and she seemed to be dressed in a slip - a red, very thin slip.
“I think perhaps your lady friend might need the coat more?” I suggested.
“Oh no.” She said, shaking her hair. “I’m hot.”
She was as well, the bitch.
“So, what’s happening here then?” Darius asked, with a quirk of his eyebrow. “A little double date?”
Todd put the coat on and thanked Darius. “Yes, I’m here to meet Lucy, and Kim and Frankie agreed to join us as we’re both new to the dating scene and a little nervous. Why don’t you both join us?”
“No, it’s only a table for four.” I protested.
“Oh that’s okay.” said our waitress. “It’s no trouble to move another little table across and two chairs.”
If looks could kill that lady would have been an ideal date for Todd right now.
“In that case we’d love to join you.” Said Darius, and I didn’t need to know he was staring right at me as he said it. I could feel his stare burning through me.
“When you’ve finished playing musical chairs, I’d like to be introduced to my date.” It was time for Lucy to make herself known and as she stood up, her breasts heaving to stay enclosed inside the tight embrace of the fabric of her dress, three sets of male eyes moved as if hypnotised to her rack.
Great.
So that’s how we ended up out on a triple date. Lucy was in the farthest seat and so I steered Todd opposite her, then I sat next to Todd. Frankie sat opposite me and Darius sat next to him, leaving Morgan, the fairy, to take the seat at my other side. Super. I was twice her size. I couldn’t even complain because I was the one who’d set her bloody date up.
“Sorry again about my outfit and thanks for the coat.” Todd shouted across the table at Darius.
“No worries.”
“Actually, I should have worn my Halloween outfit then we’d have matched.” I informed Todd. “It was a white bikini because I was being a ghost who died sunbathing. Quite the coincidence, yeah?”
“Really? Wow, yeah, that’s totally so coincidental. And my shorts are white too, so we would have been like a total twinning couple if I’d known you then. You’re single right? I don’t see a ring.”
“Well, actually we were dating at the time. I was concerned she’d catch her death, it being winter, so I magicked her some clothes.” Frankie added. “You did look lovely as the Corpse Bride.”
“You do magic? Whoa, man. Can you make me disappear?”
“I wish.” Shouted Lucy.
Oh dear. This date wasn’t going well.
“No. I’m a-”
I could see Frankie didn’t want to explain what he was to Todd, so I tried to divert his attention.
“So Todd. Do you like steak? Lucy owns Red’s Steakhouse?”
“Uhm, I’m a vegetarian.” He replied.
“Oh, I don’t remember seeing that on your application?”
“Nah, I thought it might cut down my chances to date a hot chick.”
“Oh Frankie, please talk to me. My date is a dullard.” I heard Lucy say.
“Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you. You never explained how my house ended up full of pixies.” He said.
Pixies? I couldn’t have heard that right.
“Hey, Todd. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you die?” Darius asked.
“Oh yes, tell us all the juicy details. I never met a ghost before.” Added Morgan.
“Well,” Todd sat back letting his coat part slightly which caused his pecs to appear. They rippled as he moved. “Basically, I was on this shoot in Greece, and-”
“Are you ready to order?” said the waitress.
That interruption over and ice creams and refreshments on the way, Todd carried on.
“So you see, I’d been two-timing them and well, Christy decided to kill me and knock me overboard.”
“Or maybe she’d just had to listen to you drone on for thirty minutes like I have.” Lucy muttered under her breath.
As the time ticked on and our drinks and various ice cream concoctions arrived, it was like spinning plates trying to keep up with conversations. Todd never stopped talking about himself and I tried to be polite listening; Frankie was telling Lucy about what had been happening to him the last few days; Lucy was talking about Frankie’s house. Then I’d been trying to keep an ear out on what was happening to my left with the progressing fairy/were date.
“Darius, did you really just pick up your bowl and slurp the remains or am I imagining things?”
“Oh as a wolf, that’s what we do. Sorry if it looked a little slovenly.”
“No, it’s not that. You need to leave a little in your bowl, for the fairies to have tonight.”
“As soon as that woman takes our dishes they’ll be going straight into the dishwasher.” Darius answered.
“How do you know that? They may leave them out for my brothers and sisters.”
“No, I know the staff here and they kind of don’t want the food standards agency on their backs so they clean.”
Morgan gasped. “Then I cannot remain here. They do not support my kind.”
She stood up.
“I apologise everyone and especially to you, Kim. Thank you for setting me up with Darius. He is a very good-looking man. But I can’t stay in this restaurant as it’s not fairy-friendly and I regret there is no spark between Darius and myself. If you could pick me another date for next week, I would be delighted but I shall choose the location please.”
“Of course. I’ll be in touch.”
With that, Morgan bid farewell and walked out of the parlour.
“Ouch, that was a little abrupt. You alright?” Frankie said turning to Darius.
“Don’t feel you have to stay if you’re upset. It’s fine if you want to go home.” I told him.
His eyes narrowed, and I was sure a little flash of yellow hit them although it could have been a reflection from the parlour’s lighting. “No, I’m perfectly fine where I am, thank you. I’m thinking I might have a hot drink now to warm me up.”
I turned back to Todd so as not to show Darius how much he was getting to me.
Todd was stirring his ice cream into a gloopy mess.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Oh I love making it all one colour and if you stir it really well it goes like a drink, a bit like a-”
“A milkshake. Of which there’s a selection on the menu.” Lucy said.
“Really? Oh wow. I like doing this though. It’s so fun and tasty.”
“Todd. Do you hold a grudge against the woman who killed you?” Darius asked.
He stopped stirring. “Well, of course. She murdered me and yet she is free to do as she pleases.”
“Are you talking about Christy?” Lucy interrupted. “
She’s not free, honey. She’s in Hell. Babes, all I had to do was take away her fake tan and implants and she screamed for hours.”
He stared at Lucy, finally giving his actual date some attention. Unfortunately in order to discuss his ex-girlfriend. “Christy is in Hell? Really?”
“Yeah, she begged me for forgiveness, to be allowed to go to heaven, blah blah blah. They all do, it’s sooo pathetic. Why not be evil and own it, right? Anyway, she was saying how sorry she was for murdering you but that she’d loved you so much and wanted to marry you, but you cheated on her with, let me see if I can remember. Hmmm, Susan, and Katie, and Yasmin and Katya, yeah? Anyhow you get the point I’m trying to make, right?”
“D’ya hear that, Todd?” Darius leaned over the table, capturing Todd’s rapt attention. “Christy loved you. She only murdered you because you cheated on her. She wanted you so much she couldn’t bear to share you.”
Todd’s eyes began to water. “You think so?”
“I know so.” Said Darius. “Do you think you’d forgive her if you had a chance to spend all of eternity with her?”
For fuck’s sake. He was upsetting my, err, Lucy’s date.
Todd placed a hand over his heart. “I did think I loved her. It was just, there was so much other pussy around, you know?”
“I know, friend. But you can understand why she got so jealous, can’t you? She just wanted you for herself and now she’s stuck in Hell, all because she loved you.”
Was Darius trying to audition for an agony aunt stint on This Morning or something?
“Maybe you could find it within yourself to forgive her?”
I watched as Todd’s body wobbled. He went translucent for a minute before solidifying again. What the fuck?
Then I got it. Oh my God, was Darius trying to get rid of my, erm, LUCY’s date. I really needed to stop forgetting that I came with Frankie.
“I can see a golden light.” Todd said.
“Don’t walk towards it.” I yelled.
“Walk? It’s coming out of her fingers.” Todd said, pointing at Lucy.
“My date is as boring as fuck. If he doesn’t move on, I’m going to test out the elements theory.” Lucy said watching the flame climb higher on her fingers.
“Oh sorry there. This is a no smoking establishment.” The waitress popped over.
“Could I have another sundae please?” Todd requested.
I’d hoped it was almost time to go home but now we’d need to sit here in purgatory a while longer so Todd could finish his next ice cream.
As it got delivered Todd picked up his giant spoon and began to stir it again.
“Fuck that.” Lucy said and reaching out she grabbed the glass. I saw her hand take on its amber glow and she passed back a glass full of steaming liquid.
“So, about that forgiveness?” Darius reminded him.
“Oh yeah? Well thinking about it if she’s been punished and everything then that’s alright isn’t it? I wasn’t innocent myself. So like I totally forgive her and hopefully we’ll meet again.” He cocked his head to his right sharply. “I could swear I just heard her. Oh what a coincidence, she’s over there.” He said pointing towards the wall. Before I could warn him, he’d gone, out of his seat and then just completely vanished.
“What have you done?” I yelled at Darius.
“I’ve assisted a restless spirit in moving on. It’s my good deed of the day. Or good dead of the day.” Darius quipped.
“That was Lucy’s date.” I gave him the stink eye.
“Was it really, because from where I was looking it was more like you were on a date with him?” Lucy snarled. “Not that I protested too much because it was obvious he was brain dead before his body joined in the party. Even his looks couldn’t make up for the fact that the lights were on but no was even in the area, never mind home.”
“I was just trying to keep him in conversation because you spent all night talking to Frankie.”
“You think she’d be pleased. She’s always moaning that she doesn’t get a break from me and that we’re over, and then I talk to someone else and she complains.” Frankie turned to Darius. “You never know where you are with women, do you?”
There was clicking in front of my face and I came to.
“Oh for fuck’s sake, you’re staring at each other again. What is it with that shit?” Frankie whined.
“I bet it’s in your encyclopaedia thingy. Look it up when you get home. Well, to her home.” Lucy pointed a shiny red talon in my direction.
The waitress wandered over. “Would you like the bi-”
“YES,” four people shouted in unison.
A deathly silence came over the table. The trouble was I didn’t like silences. I always felt I had to chatter to fill them.
“You owe me for Todd’s membership fees.” I almost growled at Darius. “Because you cost me his custom.”
“Well, if you ever prove that having a membership with your agency is worth it, I’ll gladly hand the extra money over, but so far I’ve had one date with a fairy.”
“I gave you a refund of your other fees.”
“I want dates, not a refund.”
“Fine. I’ll set you up with someone every single day this next week.”
“Fine.”
Silence descended again until Frankie spoke up. “Kim. I need the toilet.”
I puffed out my lips on a sigh. “Come on then. You’ll have to Facetime though. They aren’t going to let me come in with you.”
“I need to go, I’ll go in with him.”
“Thank you, Mr Wild, but he’ll still need to Facetime, he can’t be without me.”
“You have my sympathies.”
“Thanks, it’s very restrictive.” I said, surprised he said something so supportive.
“I was talking to Frankie.”
“Bastard.”
“Pardon? What did you call me?”
“Can we save the pissing contest for the bathroom, please.” Said Lucy. “I think I actually had a better time with the pixie.”
I tilted my head looking at her. “What’s all this about a pixie?”
“Never mind. Come on, Frankie. You can do this. You managed without Kim for hours earlier. This is a few minutes to take a leak, so don’t make her Facetime. It’s not very gentlemanly.”
Frankie looked unsure.
“Darius is coming in with you. You’ll be fine.”
“You’ll be right outside?” He queried, checking with me.
“Yes, of course I will.”
Frankie went into the bathroom with Darius.
“I’m sorry, Lucy. This evening was dreadful. I’ll get you a much better date next time.”
“Thank you. I’ll be happy to come to the next date on my own though. I think it’ll be better that way, without you and the wolf trying to make each other jealous.”
“That is not what-”
“Don’t actually give a shit, Kim. I just want to find the love of my life so I can be settled and no longer evil, so get me more dates. I want one every night next week like Darius.”
“You want Darius?”
“No, I want a date every night like you’ve said you’re doing for him. Waste of bloody time setting me up with him when you’re destined to be together. Ebony told me all about it over coffee.” She said to my shocked face.
“Not a chance. I’m not into the whole man bun thing.”
“God, you are so shallow sometimes and if I can see that, you should worry. I know you’re capable of more with how you are with Shelley and with Frankie. Why not try a relationship for once instead of a fuck buddy?”
“I have my reasons and you don’t need to know them. Let me concentrate on getting you a date.”
“I tell you what, if you find me love, you have to go out with Darius on one date. If,” she emphasised the word, “he’s not already settled with someone else that you’ve matched him up with - which he won’t be, because he’s your des-tin-y.”
�
��Fine.” I shook her hand and wisps of red and white smoke? - that’s what it looked like - wrapped around our hands.
“Ooh, it would appear that I am definitely still a little demonic, and you know what that means don’t you?”
“What?” I said flailing my hand in the air as it was having a hot flush.
“You made a deal with a devil. It’s binding.”
“Gaaahhhh.” I stomped my foot. “I forgot about that.”
It was then Darius came bursting out of the door.
“Is there a fire?” I quipped.
“You could say that.” He gasped. “We were in the bathroom and then he came out of nowhere. Just tore a hole in the air. It was so hot, flames licked around it and then he pulled Frankie through it and it closed up.”
I looked back at Lucy.
“Satan’s got him.” She confirmed my dreaded thought.
Chapter Twelve
Lucy
Kim clutched at my arm, squeezing her eyes closed. “Fuck. He’s dead. Let’s face it. If Satan hasn’t killed him, the shock will. What’s he got against Frankie? Well, other than being tricked back to Hell. This is not good, not good at all.” The pitch of her voice got higher with every new sentence and she grasped at her throat. I could hear her getting breathless as her panic increased, so I slapped her. Truth be told I’d wanted to do that earlier anyway for her monopolizing my date, but at least right now I could get away with it as being a necessity.
“Calm down. Being hysterical will not help him.”
Kim clutched the left side of her face. “Right. Yes, yes, you’re right, I need to focus. We need Shelley. She’s the only one with the power to get him back.”
She pulled out her phone, and I noticed how her hand shook as she pressed the contacts button.
“Shelley. We’re at Jetty’s and Satan took Frankie.” The words flew out of her mouth so fast it was like they were all one.
A Devil of a Date Page 8