John watched the eagle until the sun set and then, with a strange new sense of forgiveness and purpose, a sense of grace that had nothing to do with himself, he rowed back to shore where there were still no answers for the most important questions of all.
Tell me how, God . . . how do I find my way back to the Rock so the Son can rid me of all those years of poison? And how with broken wings will I ever learn to catch the thermal currents in life and fly again?
Twenty-Three
THE NEXT THREE DAYS PASSED IN A BLUR OF preparation. Party coordinators worked to make the backyard perfect. Florists called to double-check the order for the church and the back porch. The DJ needed to set up a wooden platform and hadn’t realized the yard was sloped. A carpenter was called in to make the platform level and to lay out a small dance floor, and by the time the rehearsal was underway, Abby was almost too tired to feel anything but drained.
Drained and cheated.
This should have been a time when all her energy was focused on Nicole. Instead Abby felt almost as though she was only going through the motions: the wedding, the divorce, Kade’s move to the university—all of it. Like she was delaying her feelings in the here and now because to experience them might actually kill her.
For days she and John had passed like enemy ships in the night, speaking only when necessary, yet still somehow avoiding the notice of the kids. Kade was getting ready to leave for Iowa, and Sean was busy with his friends, looking forward to a summer of fun. Everyone had his or her own life to worry about, including John—who no doubt already had plans with Charlene for the moment Nicole and Matt were gone from the wedding reception.
Well, she wasn’t going to sit there and watch them. Abby had realized she needed to get away as soon after the wedding as she could. She made arrangements for Sean to stay with one of his friends and booked a flight to New York. She’d stay in a hotel downtown and catch a few shows with her editor. It was time they finally met, time to see if they would share anything lasting beyond their e-mail friendship. The days away would be good. Better than sitting around the house wondering what John and Charlene were doing.
Her flight was set to leave Monday morning and return Friday. The kids would be back from their honeymoon the following Sunday, and on Monday she and John had agreed to break the news. It still seemed unrealistic, like the scary part of a horror movie. Only this time there would be no turning the channel, no getting up and walking away. The reality was upon them and together—perhaps for the last time—she and John would have to help the kids understand.
The boys thought their dad was going fishing with some friends from work right after the wedding and that Abby had a business meeting in New York. The idea of their parents heading in different directions for the week didn’t raise even a bit of concern among them. Nicole was too busy to think about it or she probably would have had questions.
That night, with the wedding set to take place in less than twenty-four hours, Abby delayed her office time and made her way across the house to Nicole’s room. Her daughter was beaming, completely packed, and writing a letter. The moment Abby walked into the room, Nicole hid the paper under her pillow. “It’s a surprise for Matt.”
“Oh. That’s nice.” Abby wandered across Nicole’s bedroom floor and kissed her. “I’m so happy for you, honey. I want you to know that.”
The joy in Nicole’s eyes was not something that could be contrived. It was the most real and satisfying thing Abby could have hoped to see the night before Nicole’s wedding. “He’s the one we prayed for, Mom. I love him so much.”
Abby sat on the edge of Nicole’s bed and smoothed a hand over her daughter’s golden hair. “No matter what life brings, no matter what happens all around you, don’t forget how you feel tonight. Keep that. Make your marriage first in your life.”
Nicole nodded and some of the sparkle faded from her eyes. “God first, then my marriage. That’s what you mean, right?”
Abby felt her face growing hot. Why hadn’t she thought of that? Was she so far removed from God? So far away from— “Are you okay, Mom. You’ve been kind of quiet these past few days.”
Focus, Abby. She smiled, holding back tears. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.” She put her arms around Nicole and pulled her close. “My baby girl is getting married tomorrow.”
“Ah, Mom, but it’s not like that with you and me. You know that, right? This will always feel like home. I mean, Matt and I will come over for dinner and hang out playing cards with you and Dad, and one day we’ll bring the grandkids here for you guys to baby-sit.” Nicole’s face was beaming again, caught up in the certainty of God’s blessings and goodness.
Abby folded her hands in her lap and forced herself not to weep. Hadn’t she felt the exact same way the night before her own wedding? Certain of their happy-ever-after? Yet the truth was none of Nicole’s pictures of home would ever be the same after she and John were divorced.
The tears came of their own volition and Abby leaned over, kissed Nicole once more, and bid her good night. “See you in the morning, sweetheart. You’re going to be absolutely beautiful.”
Nicole dabbed her finger under Abby’s eyes. “Mom . . . you’re crying.”
Abby smiled, her vision blurred as another round of tears waited their turn. “Happy tears, sweetheart. That’s all.”
And when she left the room, sure that everyone else was asleep, Abby scurried toward the office where she could let loose and cry all night if she wanted to. She was almost there when she heard John’s voice.
“Abby . . .”
She turned and saw him standing in the kitchen doorway. He still wore his dress slacks and white button-down from the rehearsal dinner, and Abby realized how little she’d looked at him that night. Though they’d sat next to each other all evening, they’d managed to carry on conversations with other people. Until now he hadn’t said more than what was absolutely necessary to pull off their charade.
“What?” She was not up to a verbal battle. Not when it was all over but the walking away. Not when in twenty-four hours they would reside at different addresses.
“We haven’t had a moment alone in a long time and . . . I don’t know, I thought we could talk.”
Abby sighed. “It’s too late, John. There’s nothing to talk about.”
There was a depth to John’s eyes that hadn’t been there in months. Years, maybe. It’s my imagination; nostalgia coming up against the finality of it all. “Okay. Never mind.” He hesitated. “Are you . . . will you be around this week?”
Abby sighed and felt her frustration level rising. How dare he ask about her plans when he’d be with Charlene? Of all the things he might want to talk about, why on earth would John want to know her plans for the coming week?
Don’t say it, daughter—
“Let me guess, you and Charlene want to make dinner plans with me?”
John flinched as though he’d been slapped, and his eyes took on the hard look she was more familiar with. “Forget it, Abby.” He studied her for a moment. “Someday I’d like to know what happened to the girl I fell in love with . . .”
“I—”
He put his hand up, cutting her off. “Never mind. I know it’s my fault. It’s all my fault, and I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know. But years from now when this is behind us, take a minute and look in the mirror. And see if you even know who you’ve become.” His tone wasn’t hateful like she’d heard it before. It was more dumbfounded. And sad. And that only made Abby angrier.
She could live with the idea that he was finally taking credit for the train wreck of their marriage, but how dare he accuse her of changing. She hadn’t changed; she’d survived. Back in the beginning, when their schedules had first taken precedence over their relationship, the woman he’d fallen in love with had been there just beneath the icy surface. She spread her hand across her chest and kept her voice low so the kids couldn’t hear her. “That same girl is still in here somewhere, John. But a long time ago yo
u stopped looking for her.” New tears filled her eyes and she blinked so she could see more clearly. “And now that you’ve fallen in love with someone else, maybe she’ll stay hiding in there forever.”
“I’m not in . . .” His voice trailed off, and his look of protest faded as he shrugged. “I’m going to bed.”
With that he turned and trudged up the stairs toward the bedroom. When he was out of earshot, Abby stepped into her office and clenched her fist, leaning her back against the oak cabinet and sliding slowly down it until she was in a heap on the floor.
“I hate this, God . . . what’s happened to me?”
John was right. The girl he’d married had become hard and angry and bitter. She smiled so rarely that when she did her face felt strange, like the muscles at the corners of her mouth had forgotten what it was to work on their own. With no one around to hear her, she allowed her tears to come, crying for all that she would be losing the following day.
Her sides ached, but her heart hurt worse. It was really happening. John and Abby Reynolds were getting a divorce, breaking their greatest promise to each other, to her father, to Haley Ann, to the others. To God Almighty. Suddenly she longed to forget about the whole thing, follow John up the stairs, and crawl in bed beside him. She could feel the warmth of his skin against hers, hear herself telling him she was sorry, begging him for one more chance.
The idea fled as quickly as it came.
John had been seeing Charlene for years, no matter when the two of them had first become physical. Abby was a fool to have allowed the pretense of their marriage to last as long as it had. Rage built within her at the role he’d played in destroying their lives. I hate you, John. I hate you for what you’ve done to us, to me. “It isn’t fair, God,” she wailed out loud in a whispered voice. “Help me . . .”
Come to Me, daughter. The truth will set you free.
She shook her head and struggled to her feet to find a tissue. How could the truth set her free? If she knew the reality of how close John and Charlene were, it’d probably send her over the edge . . . Another wave of quiet tears came and she was overwhelmed with the feeling of loss that welled up inside her. Loss of her marriage and her family. But mostly the loss of that young girl, the one John had fallen in love with.
The one Abby feared might not be hiding at all, but rather too far gone to ever find again.
The morning of Saturday, July 14, dawned more beautiful than any Nicole could remember. She had more than enough time to get ready, since the ceremony wasn’t until three o’clock that afternoon. But she wanted to savor the day and that meant rising before anyone in the house and watching the morning come to life across the lake.
She’d been reading the Epistles lately, trying to understand the message Paul had for the church, especially his desire that they live in love and grace the way God would have them live. Nicole situated herself in her window seat and gazed across the lake. Thank You, Father . . . the day is finally here. Her heart felt as though it had been created for this time in her life, and she eased open the cover of her Bible, flipping to the thirteenth chapter in First Corinthians. She had read the verses a dozen times since getting engaged, and each time the Lord had showed her something new and revealing about true love, the kind she and Matt would share for a lifetime.
She read down to the fourth verse. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud . . . ” The words flowed from the pages straight into her heart and she could feel them building her up, preparing her to love Matt the way God wanted her to. Nicole thought about the fact that sometime late that night, when the celebrating was finished, she and Matt would have their first opportunity to love each other with their bodies. She closed her eyes and felt a smile make its way across her face.
We actually managed to wait, Lord. We stayed within Your plan, and I know with all my heart that tonight will be only the beginning.
She thought about the times when they’d been tempted and knew that God’s strength alone had brought them to this point, to a place where they could pledge their love to each other on their wedding day, knowing that they had kept themselves pure. Nicole could think of no greater gift to give Matt, no greater way to please the One who had brought them together.
God, You’re so good. Just like Mom always told me, You’ve had a plan for me all my life and today it’s actually going to happen. She opened her eyes and found the place in Scripture where she’d left off. “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Nicole let her gaze roam about the backyard of the house where she’d grown up. That was the trouble with too many couples. They didn’t understand what it really meant to love. Oh, sure, it was the butterfly feeling that happened when two people first met, but it was so much more than that. She thought over the verses again. “Love always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
It was an entire marriage manual in less than ten words.
She thought of her parents and how long they’d stayed together, and a strange cloud of concern blocked the sunshine of the morning. What is it, Lord? How come I feel this way whenever I think of their marriage?
Pray, daughter.
Her heart rate quickened, and Nicole felt the rumblings of fear deep in her gut. Pray? For her parents? Again? The insistent urging was the same one she’d felt before the camping trip, and it was beginning to make her wonder if her parents were hiding something. Today wasn’t the right time, but when she and Matt returned from their honeymoon, she would take an afternoon and talk to Mom. Ask her straight out if she and Dad were having trouble.
Whatever it might be, it couldn’t be serious enough to spend time dwelling on now, on her wedding day. Right?
Pray. Pray hard, dear one.
Okay, Lord, I hear You. The feeling was so urgent, Nicole’s hesitation dissolved. Whatever the situation, her parents needed prayer. And for the next thirty minutes she lay aside all thoughts of her wedding and the things she needed to do to get ready, and poured out her heart on behalf of the two people she admired most in all the world.
The excitement was so great in the minutes before the ceremony that for the first time in six months Abby wasn’t consumed with thoughts of their divorce. Instead she was swept up in what felt like a dream scene, one she’d dreamed decades earlier when Nicole Michelle was still a newborn. Nicole was radiant, of course—the waist and bodice of her dress fit perfectly, the skirt and train billowed about her like a satin cloud trimmed in lace.
Abby and Jo had already lit the candles at the front of the church, and now Abby made her way through the tuxedoed men and stunning bridesmaids and sidled up next to Nicole. “You could’ve worn rags today and you’d have looked every bit as beautiful.”
Nicole cocked her head and grinned, meeting Abby’s gaze and holding it. “I’m so happy, Mom.”
A light chuckle came from Abby. “It’s obvious, sweetheart.” She leaned forward and kissed Nicole, patting her gently on the cheek. “Kade’s walking me down now. Next time I see you you’ll be a married woman.”
“Can you believe it, Mom? It’s finally here!” Nicole squeezed Abby’s hands. “You and Dad look so good. No one’ll believe you’re old enough to be my parents.”
Yes, Abby had noticed. John looked more handsome than the groom in his black tux and baby-blue cummerbund. She smiled, hiding the way Nicole’s comment pierced her heart. “I’ve got to go. Love you, honey.”
“Love you, too . . . and Mom?”
Abby waited. “Yes?”
“Happy anniversary!” The words poked daggers at Abby’s heart, but she smiled at her daughter.
“Thanks, honey. Love you . . .” Tears welled up in Abby’s eyes as she turned to find Kade. Happy anniversary? She’d almost forgotten that this day marked twenty-two years of marriage for her and John.
Maybe everyone else will forget . . . I can’t get through it otherwise . . .
She spotted Kade a fe
w feet off, chattering with one of Nicole’s bridesmaids. As Abby walked up to him, she felt someone looking at her and she glanced over her shoulder. John was there, ten feet away, standing by himself near the church window. Was he smiling at her? Why? Why work so hard to pretend when the charade was only hours from being over? Abby turned away and linked arms with Kade as he promised the bridesmaid a dance at the reception.
“Flirting with the girls already, Kade?” Abby was desperate to preserve the lighthearted feeling she’d had moments earlier, before Nicole’s happy anniversary wish . . . before she’d spotted John.
“Always, Mom. You know me.” His grin faded and he studied Abby. “You’re the best-looking mom a guy could have.”
Abby bowed her head. “Thank you, kind sir.”
“Oh, and happy anniversary.” He grinned and the hurt in Abby’s stomach was so great she wondered if she’d make it down the aisle. I can’t do this, God . . . help me . . .
Kade was waiting for her. “You ready?”
She nodded, forcing herself to move ahead as the wedding coordinator opened the church doors. As Abby took in the church setting, her breath caught in her throat. It was like something from a movie, white satin ribbons adorned the ends of each pew and huge sprays of pink roses fanned out across the altar. And so many familiar people, most of whom had known the Reynolds family since they moved to Marion. In fact, the church looked almost identical to the one she had entered twenty-two years earlier back when . . .
And the song. Was it the same one that had drifted down from the balcony all those years ago? Abby had to blink hard to remind herself where she was and who she was and that this was her daughter’s wedding, not a flashback of her own. They arrived at the front row where Kade kissed her cheek and winked at her. Abby took her seat and sat alone to watch the attendants make their entrance.
A Time to Dance/A Time to Embrace Page 29