by Leanne Davis
“I don’t either,” she agreed. She was just as confused as he. Her eyes shut when his lips touched the side of her mouth. She let him kiss her.
“I have class right now. Think about what I said, okay? Think about what you’re doing and what you’re going to do. But right now? I have to be somewhere.”
“I don’t have to think about it. I’ll be here tomorrow. I want to see you.”
She nodded, and walked away. Doubting herself, and wondering what Derek was capable of, she pondered if she were even ready for any of it.
****
The rest of the week, Derek met her outside the classroom. He always arrived before her and smiled as he straightened up from leaning on the wall when he spotted her. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her; or gallantly took her book bag and hand before leading her to a seat. It was impossible for Olivia to concentrate with him sitting next to her. She could have sworn every time she peeked at him, he sensed it somehow and turned to catch her. She’d always blush and look down, or roll her eyes as a ridiculous flush filled her body before her breath would catch.
On Friday, he asked her to come out to a club with him that night. After agreeing, she had to figure out what to wear. She was standing there in jeans and nothing else when Kylie finally woke up and soon figured out where Olivia was going. Kylie’s only waking hours were from five in the evening until five in the morning.
“You can’t wear your normal crap out. Let me, okay? Let me fix you up. I don’t know much. I have no freaky special talents, or intelligence, or work ethic, but I can dress you up. Please let me, Olivia?”
She sighed. It wouldn’t kill her to put a little more effort into it. She finally conceded and let Kylie do a slutty make-over. Olivia’s hair was her only asset, according to Kylie. She curled it and teased it and rubbed makeup all over Olivia’s face. Adding big earrings, which dangled from her ears, she also hung heavy necklaces around her neck. Her outfit was a small skirt and skimpy tank top with bra straps showing, and knee-high boots. Olivia glanced in the mirror and only saw how common she looked. She didn’t love it. But Kylie did. Along with most guys, she supposed, even without ample cleavage.
The knock on the door was the only thing that jolted her out of her apathy. Overflowing with happiness, it nearly gushed out of her and heated her cheeks up. Yeah, she had it bad for Derek.
When she opened the door, she forgot all about her slutty transformation. Her sincere smile and unmasked joy let him know how happy she was to see him, which was her only thought. Instead of stepping forward and kissing her like he usually did, he stayed rooted to the spot, and simply eyed her up and down. She glanced down and instantly decided way too much of her skin was showing.
“Kylie insisted on making me over.”
“Uh, yeah, I see that.” He visibly swallowed as his eyes stayed riveted on her skirt length. Finally, he lifted his eyes and a smile curled his lips. “Thank Kylie for me.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s not my favorite look.”
“It might be mine,” he said. His tone was mild and easy, but his eyes were sparking with lust as he kept examining the front of her.
She grabbed her phone and keys and followed Derek. He was acting oddly formal as he opened the door of the vehicle. This time, it was a moderate, nondescript sedan. He really didn’t believe in drawing attention to himself. “Another friend’s?”
“No. Mine.”
She nodded. “You ever plan to let me meet some of your friends?”
“You’re not missing much,” he mumbled before settling in. His clothes were more “normal Derek” and, funny enough, “Olivia” clothes. They dressed a lot alike. She had a feeling they could almost share the same wardrobe. He outweighed her, but not by much. Certainly, they could have shared each other’s shirts.
“You look a lot older,” Derek said after driving in silence for several miles down the road.
She glanced at Derek’s profile, which was being strobed by the passing streetlights, shadow to light, shadow to light. It was enough to make her stomach churn in knots. He was so handsome, with dark, brooding eyes and a solemn, sometimes closed off expression. His dark hair was combed off his face and one straight piece sprang forward on his forehead. “And older is better?”
His quick grin and sidelong glance were almost lecherous as his eyebrows rose up and down. “Older means safer according to statutory law. Which is good to know when I think the things I do about you.”
“What do you think about me?” Her tone sounded grumpy. She was. She didn’t like dressing like that. She didn’t like her skirt riding so far up her legs, she was afraid to wiggle around at all. She hated to think that this was what it all came down to.
“I think… you’re not ready to hear that. Anyway, I didn’t see you as the skirt type.”
“Why? Because I never wear them? It’s Kylie’s. The entire outfit is, including the makeup.” She crossed her arms over her stomach and stared out the window. She hated being visually examined. Always did. Anytime a cute guy stared at her, she got all weird and acted inappropriately. It was the only time she felt self-conscious. It wasn’t really because of her feminist bias as much as her personal inadequacy. She just didn’t like receiving attention. Not that she got it all that much. Mostly when she hung out with Ally and Kylie in high school. There was no popularity contest when those two were around. Guys either liked Ally’s sunny, preppy look or were drawn to Kylie’s darker, quieter personality. While both of her cousins were sexually active, she was not.
She wasn’t thrilled to go out to a club. Not her thing. It was Kylie’s and Ally’s. Most things they liked weren’t for her. She didn’t voice her hesitation, however, and Derek drove into Marsdale, an area she’d never visited. There were lots of warehouses and abandoned businesses, with a scattering of smaller apartment buildings. The club had one of those rotating lights that flashed out in front of it and formed a giant circle in the sky.
“You know we’re eighteen, right? Is this an underage club?”
“No. But it’s not really an issue here. Don’t worry about it.”
Sure, why wouldn’t they? The way he said it when he closed his driver’s door made it seem like all eighteen-year-olds were welcome in a twenty-one-and-over bar. Her cousins got admitted with fake identities. That was something Olivia never needed or bothered with. Derek took her hand in his. She was growing used to that, and nearly counted on it when he greeted her in the mornings, and after class. She liked how his hand felt, so warm and secure over hers. She always got a silly grin across her face. She had to drop her head so no one, Derek included, knew how much he affected her.
She followed him into the dark, noisy interior. No one questioned, or even stopped them. Derek didn’t pay, but simply nodded at the girl standing near the entrance. It seemed like he’d been coming here a little too often. He was eighteen; how long could he have been doing that? God, she needed to quit being so naive.
The center of the building rattled with the loud bass and acoustics as the music and lights nearly fractured all her senses. Smoke hung around the top of the building, a converted warehouse, with a high ceiling. A bar ran the length of one section and tables were arranged around the dance floor. The music made her head ring, as it vibrated throughout her entire body, and was hard to ignore. That, and a bubble of excitement was starting to percolate in her chest. She was glad for Derek’s hand as he guided her. She was already too busy looking around. It was mostly college-aged students. Several she recognized from campus and parties with Kylie.
She bumped into Derek when he stopped. He was talking to a guy and his girlfriend. She was taking in the scenery and not really listening. He turned with a smile and leaned down and said right into her ear, “Do you want something to drink?”
“I don’t care,” she yelled back. He pointed at a table and she sat down before he disappeared. He came back and sat down near her, sliding her a bottle of beer. “This is crazy. How do all these kids get in here? I know most aren’
t of legal age.”
His smile was contagious and his hand stayed on her head as he stroked her in affectionate amusement. She had an uneasy feeling he was rather amused by her naivete. She wasn’t from here, so how could she know such a place existed? “It’s strange it’s never been busted. At least, not yet,” he shrugged and nodded towards her drink. “Keep an eye on it, okay? Never leave a drink unattended when you go out.”
She tilted her head into his hand as he kept stroking her hair. He leaned in closer so his body was kind of surrounding her. It was heady stuff to a girl who never captured a guy’s complete interest or attention; even more so to now have Derek’s. She nearly asked if he were her boyfriend, but her throat kept drying up when she thought about actually saying it. What if he laughed in amusement? Or ran off in horror? Or what if…? She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything at this point.
“Will you know everyone here again?”
He shook his head. “Nah.”
But that wasn’t true. He was nodded at, waved at and talked to. The conversations were usually quick and one-sided as he tended to rush them along, as if they were intruders, who were rudely interrupting them. Several times, girls came up from behind and wrapped their hands around his shoulders, or covered his eyes as they giggled with delight. One slid into his lap, but he jumped up and nearly dumped her on the floor. He hurried them along even more urgently. Olivia wasn’t impressed and even less sure she liked any of that. The constant flow of people he seemed to know, and the girls that were so out of her league, but very interested in him, could only make her wonder.
He waved it off as if it were no big deal, while leaning closer and talking to her. He flirted with her and his hands constantly rubbed her hair, or massaged her back. He liked her clothes. It didn’t take rocket science to figure that out, especially when his eyes kept flashing down her body.
She hated the outfit. She didn’t like her looks or how her skirt showed way too much leg. Her shirt was very uncomfortable, and when she sat, she didn’t like how it made her stomach look. She wanted to cover more, but there wasn’t enough material; and one side was cut too deeply into her armpit. Being pretty sucked, she decided. She kept adjusting her clothes, but it only got worse. The club seemed to heat up several degrees with the addition of more bodies. He asked her to dance and she refused, feeling increasingly self-conscious as the hours wore on.
Finally, after claiming she had to pee, she scurried into the restroom. There, she encountered a couple that was screwing in one of the stalls. Someone else was lighting up some kind of drug, but not weed or a cigarette. Olivia quickly locked herself in the stall, and pulled out a hair tie to pull her hair up and away from her face. She had nothing more to wrap around her that could hide some of the exposed skin. Bypassing the stoned girl, who was nearly passed out in the corner, she scrubbed at the makeup until her face was shiny and clear once more. It felt like she’d taken off a mask. All the exterior paint made her feel trapped inside her own skin.
This lifestyle was not for her. She got that as soon as she stared at herself. She wasn’t cool. She could barely manage to be noticed whenever she went out with Kylie or Ally. She wasn’t into this… going to parties and clubs with people who didn’t care about having sex behind her in the bathroom stall, and illegal drugs all over the place. She hated it. It made her feel dirty and exposed and… unsafe. She felt a sense of danger being there and she didn’t like that at all.
As she stood there, another couple came in who were soon exchanging drugs and money. Drug deal. Jesus Christ, there was a drug deal in progress not five feet from her. The two participants glanced at her when they saw her open-mouthed gawking. She could not believe they made the deal so openly. Meanwhile, the slurpy sounds of wet bodies smacking together and breathless grunts echoed in the five-stall powder room. Whoever was screwing seemed to be finishing up, at least, that’s what it sounded like. Cheeks burning, eyes stinging, her nose slightly charred, she washed her hands and wished she could sanitize her entire body. Instead, she stepped out and searched for their table. She found Derek trying to shove some girl off him. His hands were gripped just below her elbows and he was speaking loudly into her face. She, however, just smiled and licked her lips.
He wasn’t flirting, or doing anything wrong. She knew that. He wasn’t even encouraging the seriously beautiful girl who kept fawning all over him. Inside Olivia’s stomach, an uncomfortable knot formed, which soon began climbing up her throat. She was filled with panic. This was so not her. All of it. She didn’t even like a single part of it. Witnessing it was bad enough, but being there, and being dressed as she was only made her want to flee the premises.
Derek’s head rose as he looked around and she was quite sure he must’ve been searching intently for her. When he spotted her huddled against the wall right outside the restroom door, he pushed the aggressive girl away without another glance. Twisting his torso, he wrenched her arms off him and stepped around her before making his way through the crowd to get to Olivia.
His warm arms deftly swooped around her and pulled her to his chest. “What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip, hating how whiny and wimpy and lame she felt. But something definitely felt wrong to her. She didn’t mind drinking at a college party, but not doing it as much and as obviously as this. It was different somehow, and way beyond her comfort zone. She hated the crowd. She felt claustrophobic and needed fresh air and peace and quiet. Worst of all, she hated the music. Music was her entire life’s dream and passion, but this noise just hurt her senses.
Yeah, not exactly what almost every other eighteen-year-old girl would think of in that situation. She knew that too. No wonder she had no boyfriend. And most likely never would at this rate.
“I need to leave.”
He pushed her back and cupped her face to look into her eyes. “Did something happen in there? Are you okay?”
“Two people were having sex in there! I just don’t like it here.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. That didn’t occur me.” He stared into her eyes as his mouth twisted up strangely. He seemed to be thinking about something beyond what she was saying. Then, he shook his head, dropped his hands, and took her left hand in his as he started through the crowd to go out of the building. Once outside, Olivia nearly rejoiced. It was like something was finally released from her chest and she took in long, deep gulps of the fresh night air. The car was parked nearby, just down the street.
He stopped in front of the car. “Did anyone bother you? I shouldn’t have let you go in there alone.”
“What could you have done? Gone into the women’s bathroom with me? Into the stall? I bet it’s done all the time, isn’t it?” Her sarcasm was not aimed at him, but at her own lameness and embarrassment. How would he view her naivete now?
“Did anyone bother you?”
“No. It was just the creepiest five minutes I’ve ever spent. They were banging away in the stall, while another slutty-looking girl was smoking… something… I don’t know. Maybe, crack, or maybe… She looked so strung out, I almost asked her if I should call an ambulance. How would I know? And oh my God! A drug deal. I’m sure of it! It happened just as I was trying to leave. How can people live like that?”
She pushed him away and started pacing. “I can see by your face I’m overreacting. It’s just what goes on, right? Look, I’ve been thinking… I’m not what you’re looking for. This stuff,” she waved back at the club, “is nothing I like or want to do, and I seriously doubt I could ever grow comfortable with it.”
“You’re wrong. I prefer not to even be around it. Jesus, Olivia, that would never be my intent.”
She tugged on her skirt. “Oh my God, this thing!” She threw up her hands in exasperation.
He glanced down at her legs, his puzzled expression almost… tragic. She couldn’t tell what he thought of her tirade. “What thing?”
“This skirt! I hate it. The whole damn outfit. I just want to go home.”
He sud
denly grabbed her and pressed her against the car. His arms surrounded her and he hugged her tightly to his chest. “Then don’t. Don’t ever wear any of this shit again. It doesn’t look right on you.” Cupping her face, his thumbs traced over her cheeks. “I’m glad you scrubbed it all off. And you should be shocked at all the drugs. You’re not meant for this stuff. You’re right. I hope you never grow to like it. Just stay away from me and you won’t.”
She lowered her head to rest it on his shoulder. “I get it. You like this stuff. I don’t. I just want to go home,” she mumbled again. She meant home, home, as in, her Calliston home. She always felt safe, normal, totally sheltered, and naive. She wanted to go back home and feel that way now. She had no desire to live an unsheltered existence. One glimpse at the other side was more than enough for her.
“I know. You should. I just don’t want you to because I’m a selfish bastard.”
She tried to push him off and he finally dropped his hands. “No, you just wanted to have fun. It’s normal. I’m not normal, Derek. That’s the problem. That’s why I’ve never been on a date or kissed a guy, or… done anything until what I did with you. I can picture what you’re looking for, and I know it isn’t me.”
“Why do you think you can picture it?”
“The girls in there? They’re your type.”
“No. Not even one of them.” He ran his hand through his hair. He did that whenever they discussed things about “them” or their “feelings.” It never failed to clearly illustrate how unsure he was with her.
“I’m still not interested. Did you hear me?” She almost shouted, the embarrassment made her feel so lousy and stupid.
“Just… give me a second, okay? I need to figure out how to say this.” He stepped back and began to pace. Fear and regret began to upset her stomach. After he dropped her off at her dorm, she was sure that would be it for them. She initiated the whole thing, but now that it seemed to be fading, she wanted to rush over and beg him to take her back. She’d even promise to figure it out and get cooler. Or dress slutty again and enjoy it.