by Leanne Davis
She got out and he watched her as she half-skipped/half-jogged across the lot and into her dorm. Her hair swung behind her in a black sweep over his sweats. She turned just as she grabbed the door and waved at him. A huge grin spread across her face. The same grin that first made him notice her. His heart bumped and sped up at her simple, easy, sweet goodbye and he blushed as she ducked inside. All he could think of as he stared after her was how much he’d be hurting the only good person he’d ever met in his entire life.
Chapter Eight
“HEY, MOM,” SHE ANSWERED her phone.
“Hi, sweetie. How was your weekend?”
Olivia lay down on her bed and closed her eyes, pressing her cell phone closer to her ear. Although she had been texting her mom over the weekend, just a few lines here and there, she was really glad to hear her mother’s voice. She was very close to her mom, and in ways most girls her age were not with their mothers. Gretchen and she were best friends and confidantes; they were always like that so it was rare if they didn’t talk daily.
“I was with a friend all weekend.”
“Someone new? Or someone I know?”
“New. Definitely new. A… boy. It’s a he. I think I’ve met someone, Mom.”
Her voice reflected her exhaustion. She hadn’t slept long enough and still had many hours of unfinished homework. There was a test in her calculus class tomorrow, and the first outline of her research paper was also due, not to mention her need to practice her flute. Her schedule was heavy, as she intended to master most of the basics during her first and second year. The third year would be dedicated to fostering and expanding her musical knowledge and ability. The school had a small band that was by invitation only and which gave several performances over the year. She was lucky she got the position after trying out last spring. There were very few freshmen in it. It wasn’t like the school marching band that played at all the football games. It was a much smaller, select band intended to groom only the really serious students who aimed to formally pursue music as a career. That demanded several hours every single day of practice. But all Olivia felt like doing was curling up and daydreaming about her strange, beautiful, incredible, yet completely confusing weekend with Derek.
Gretchen was quiet for a pronounced moment. Was is from shock? Or disapproval? “Uh, wow. Didn’t expect that from you. Considering…”
“Considering I never once had a date in my life?”
Gretchen laughed, but tried to cover it. “Okay, yes. But you were never interested in boys. They showed plenty of interest towards you, so it’s not exactly as shocking as you’re implying. I’m more surprised you took an interest in one long enough to notice. Who is it? How did you meet him? Someone in the band? Or one of your classes?”
“My English class at first, but then… it’s a long story. He’s not what you’d ever expect. Are you sure you want to hear this?”
She sighed wearily. “Oh, Olivia, were you careful?”
“I didn’t sleep with him.”
“Really? Your tone of voice seemed to suggest it. You wouldn’t be the first girl to get caught up in a new romance. So what do you mean not what I’d ever expect? I expect nothing, as you’ve never shown any interest before.”
“He lied about being in my class after I mistakenly ran into him there. He used it as a way to see me.”
“Why didn’t he just ask you out?”
“Because we literally ran into each other by accident before that. We didn’t know each other at all. It kind of makes sense. I was interested, but if we hadn’t had this class, quote-unquote, together, nothing would have come of it.”
“All right, so the poor kid is so smitten with my lovely daughter, he has to lie to meet her. So why do you sound so hesitant?”
She stared up at her white ceiling and sighed. “He’s from a really screwed-up family. I don’t know all the details. He’s living on his own already. His father was murdered when he was younger, and he doesn’t want to talk about his mom. I swear to you, Mom, he doesn’t even understand what a normal relationship is like. Any kind. He’s puzzled that he even wants to date me. I don’t think it’s an act. He seems confused why he wants to be with me all the time.”
Gretchen’s voice was kind as she said, “Of course, he wants to be with you all the time.”
“You’re my mother; you have to say that.”
“Actually, I don’t. I wasn’t your mother as a baby girl. I didn’t have to take you in at eight years old, but I wanted to. I chose you. So really, I can say this. I could not resist you, and neither could Tony.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “That’s the thing. I could have been just like him. If you and Dad hadn’t taken me…”
“I know. I think of that often. How lucky we were to get you, and I hope you feel lucky to have gotten us. Just don’t mistake sympathy for your real feelings.”
“I have real feelings for him,” she said, her tone growing softer. She might have been new and naive to the experience, and sometimes got embarrassed easily, but she knew she had something substantial. Her different feelings towards Derek Salazar superseded any other new person she’d ever met.
“You also don’t have a lot of experience. Keep it in check. Keep it real, Liv. Those feelings can be overpowering and overwhelming. They turn regular, normal, logical people into stupid, blithering idiots. And you’ve only just begun your freshman year in college. Don’t settle down yet. Experience everything, make lots of friends, and do all that stuff now. There is plenty of time later for steady relationships. Trust me, I wasted all my college years with Will Hendricks. I never experienced it as fully as I should have. I regret that now. I just don’t want you to suffer from that same type of regret.”
“I’m not going to quit the things I already do.” Her mom might have been right, but Olivia already felt something very deep and powerful, and so far out of proportion with the short amount of time she’d known Derek.
“Just keep your head, honey. Things are usually their best at the start of any relationship. But remember this: things usually aren’t totally real either.”
“I’ll keep it check.”
“Good. Have you met other friends?”
“Yes, people in my classes. And Ally and Kylie already introduced me to a lot of people on all those weekends I hung out up here last year.”
“Speaking of… how is Kylie?”
“You’re still not repeating everything I say to Aunt Tracy are you?”
“Never. I want you to trust anything you say to me. I refuse to be the go between for them. Unless, of course, you ever think she’s in real danger. I mean it, Liv, if you see any you signs of that, you need to tell me.”
“She sleeps around a lot. She drinks too much and parties all the time. If she’s passing even one class, I’d be shocked.”
“Some of it might just be college life.”
“You mean all the stuff you want to make sure I fully experience?” Olivia asked, not bothering to mask the irony in her tone. “Maybe, being monogamous with one guy wouldn’t be so bad, huh? At least, compared to that?”
Gretchen let out a laugh. “I deserve that. No, I probably don’t want to know you’re sleeping around. But there must be some kind of middle ground between the two, isn’t there? But Kylie… she’s always been so fragile and easily swayed by her peers and popular opinion. You always blew everyone else off and grew even stronger in your convictions. Kylie, meanwhile, bent over even more and let other people determine who she was and would be. I doubt she even has an inkling.”
“I can’t control her. I know Aunt Tracy was hoping I could calm her down. But you know Kylie. I can’t. And she’s my friend too. I don’t want to control her.”
“I know. Just keep an eye on her. If she ever seems out of the ordinary, or very sad or wild, or resuming her eating thing…”
“Her eating thing is out of control,” Olivia finally admitted. “Is she anorexic?”
“She’s flirted with it for a f
ew years. I don’t know exactly. Tracy doesn’t, either. But as you know, she’s nineteen years old; what else can we do, but keep trying to get her to talk? She shut Tracy out for the last year especially.”
“You can’t put me between you all. She needs me to be her friend, someone she can trust, more than a keeper.”
“I realize that. That’s why everything you tell me stays between us. Like I said, just be aware.”
“I’m aware,” she said, her tone sounding heavy. Her cousin sometimes made her so sad. She’d been such a mess for so long, there seemed no real answers. Kylie was just all around unhappy, and it nearly killed Olivia that nothing seemed to change that. Kylie based her self-esteem on other kids’ opinions. She hoped college might free her even a little bit of that burden. But it only spiraled further downward the longer she remained here.
“Liv?”
“Yeah, Mom?”
“Please be careful. I know you’re an adult and all—”
“Barely.” Olivia interrupted with a scoff.
“Barely. Glad to hear you say that. But I’m your mother, and I worry about you. I know you deserve to break loose and have some fun, but I must insist if something ever happened to you—”
“I know, Mom. I’m not stupid.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve always been light years more mature than most kids your age. I just worry about things I can’t control. And about the stuff Kylie’s involved in. Please, please be careful. When you go to those parties and are around drinking and boys…”
“You sound like Derek.”
She hesitated, “Derek? Is he the new boyfriend?”
“Yes. One plus: he doesn’t drink at all, and he doesn’t like me going to parties with Kylie. He has all kinds of parental-sounding warnings, and keeps telling me to be careful and not to go out alone, and to watch my drinks and—”
“I could get along with that. Maybe you’re right, one trustworthy boy might be better than several to have fun with.”
“I honestly don’t know if he is. He’s hard to get answers out of. He doesn’t want to talk about the rest of his life. I think it was really bad. You know, the kind of stuff you usually work with troubled kids about. He uses these go to lines on me sometimes, and I don’t think he even realizes he’s doing it. But then, I see glimpses of someone else in all that…”
“Time, kiddo. Make sure you give it some time. But I’m glad to hear you’re aware of things.”
“Can’t have a psychologist for a mother and not be.”
She sighed heavily. “Oh, Liv, I abandon all my training and intelligence when it comes to you. Your dad actually handles your problems better than I do. I lose my mind sometimes being your mother. I still want to bring you home and lock you up safely in our house forever; and tell you to run away from boys with bad pasts and no family and maybe, secrets.”
“But if I can’t give people who grew up with less than me a chance, how could I live with myself? It could have been me, Mom. I could have languished in foster care, feeling lost and alone and confused in the world. I swear to God, no one’s ever even talked to him. I’m just using the compassion you and Dad taught me.”
She groaned. “Perhaps we were too successful with you. Then again, I swear to God, you were like that at eight years old. All right, just be careful. I love you.”
“Love you, too.” She slid the phone from her ear and just lay there for a while, thinking about her mom’s warning. She thought about being away from her parents, and felt a childish urge to rush back home. This place was not her home. It was different, fun, and even exciting, but definitely, not her home. She missed it sometimes. It sometimes lodged in a thick knot in her throat, or burdened her like a weight on her chest. Even the distraction of Kylie and Derek didn’t always make up for her homesickness.
Her parents expected her to do well. And she wanted that, too. Finally, she rose off the bed, slid her feet onto the floor and went to her backpack to dig into the work she’d been putting off.
****
They began dating and Derek mostly came to her dorm, where they hung out or someplace close by. He took her to dinner the first few times, but soon, they quit that and just mostly hung out together, at the park close to campus, or around the campus in general. They went to some events that were on campus and Derek tagged along as if he belonged. He often accompanied her while she practiced her music or did her homework. He’d mess around on his phone, or just lie there, listening to her. She sensed he found something very comforting about her dorm room. To her, it was too small and odd; but it seemed more of a home to Derek than his own. He rarely took her back to his place. Despite Kylie’s unexpected arrivals and departures, Derek did not like to take her back to his place where they’d have had total privacy.
They went with Kylie and Ally to off campus parties on the weekends. Naturally, Derek was always the sober one who kept all three of them under his watchful eye. She was shocked when her cousins started to look forward to his inclusion and even began to rely on her boyfriend. They were an odd foursome, and during the next few months, they became well known to half the freshman class. No one ever messed with any of them. The parties became a lot more fun for Olivia. She could drink, relax, act foolish and have fun simply because she never had to worry about her physical safety. Derek always took care of her. He dragged her and Kylie home on more than one occasion. He was always their designated driver. That won him huge points with her cousins, who for once, thought she was cool because of her cool boyfriend.
They hung out as much with her cousins as they did alone, and for that, her cousins began to adore Derek. They liked how he didn’t grope Olivia so they could comfortably be in the same room. If the cousins were both present, Derek rarely did more than hold Olivia’s hand or wrap an arm around her. It was something he also did in his friendly gestures toward both Ally and Kylie. He often argued with Ally because she always thought she was right, and he liked to get her true opinion by arguing. He let Kylie be weird and quiet and even treated her on the fragile side, which made Olivia’s heart melt each time. He kindly spoke to Kylie, or helped her home, or nudged her to get out of bed because it was three in the afternoon.
He had as flexible a schedule as Olivia did. When he had to work in the evenings, he didn’t make the drive to campus. He didn’t always stay the weekend nights either. He’d sometimes leave at midnight. She was always surprised when he did. Since he was there so late, why not just stay? But she tried not to be clingy or needy. She offered to come his way, but he insisted adamantly she could not come there after dark alone. Which was ridiculous. She wasn’t a child. When he wasn’t around, she often ran errands, or drove friends around campus after dark. She was one of a few students in the dorms who had a car, so she got a lot of requests to drive people places. It did wonders for her social life and she met lots of other girls.
She felt a little odd for once in her life to be slightly popular and known and sought after. She and her cousins were well liked and pursued. They were frequently included with the freshman class students and Olivia credited Derek for her new status. He gave her the confidence to come out of her shell around the other kids. He imbued her with a new sense of poise and self-assurance she’d never had, not even with kids her own age.
Because of his strange, nearly obsessive, refusal to go to his apartment, they didn’t get all that much time alone. There were times, however, when they got a few hours alone in her dorm, and they could finally make out. Sometimes, for hours they just kissed and touched; but it didn’t progress beyond what they did at his apartment. Derek never really pushed, or asked her to go any further. They just kissed and he held her. He slept often in her small bed, spooning, and nearly unable to even turn over. But those were her favorite nights. Kylie never minded him staying there either.
That was probably because he always asked her what the hell she was doing out until four am. Or scolded her for screwing another loser who wasn’t good enough for her. He was grumpy and
rude in his chastisement, but it was also a brotherly, caring way and it somehow worked for Kylie. She often flipped him the finger or told him to screw off, but she always smiled at his unflagging concern for her.
Olivia eventually figured out how to get her homework done somewhere along the way, and after the first few weeks, during which she floundered, she got a grip and her usual A average going again. It was easier to breathe, as well as defend her boyfriend to her parents, as long as she wasn’t slacking and letting the rest of her life fall apart. She still practiced her flute, and played with Larissa and Maggie. The only thing that changed was now Derek came with her, strangely enough, and attended anything in which she played. Looking at him, she would never have guessed he would have tolerated the classical music and unusual and unpopular folk tunes he had to listen to. But he always came and supported her and never once asked why she wasn’t cooler. He was not like the guys in high school. In college, she enjoyed being accepted for the woman she actually was, and not a toned-down version.
She went home in October and spent ten minutes trying to kiss Derek goodbye in the dorm parking lot. He’d driven there just to say goodbye to her. By the time she finally pulled out, she was blushing and turned on. She felt almost giddy from Derek’s usual litany of cautions; i.e., drive defensively, be careful, and be sure to call when she arrived. He was always worried about her. It was very sweet although a little nutty. He didn’t seem like the type who would worry so much. But when it came to Olivia and her cousins, he did. He often reiterated his familiar spiels about always being alert and never being alone. Once, he actually tore into Ally when he found out she walked home in the middle of the night. She was at a friend’s house, and walked home alone to her off-campus apartment. He railed at her relentlessly until he took a walk just to calm down. Ally, who was usually brazen and rude, apologized sincerely and promised him she’d be more careful in the future.