by Leanne Davis
“I know. I think about it. I worry about it too, okay? I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t think I can save him. I just know the way he feels about me isn’t usual for him. He thinks I’m so freaking wonderful, I should wear a halo above my head. I’m not kidding you. He acts like he’s never met anyone like me. I am nothing more than any other normal girl. And that’s the thing. I don’t think anything in his life was ever normal for him.”
“He lives alone?”
“Mom told you?”
“Your mom told me about everything. I met him and was ready to rip the little shit’s head off because I had a feeling what this was about. The good girl in you appealing to the bad boy in him. I don’t like it. I can’t stand you getting used, or hurt, or exposed to anything dangerous or even harmful. Nothing can insulate you from getting hurt.”
She shoved her hands into the pockets of her jean jacket and shrunk her shoulders forward. “I’m just a girl, Dad, who likes a boy. I’m not trying to save him. I don’t even know what I’d be saving him from. I connect with him. You don’t want hear this, but we think we’re in love with each other.”
Gretchen stepped forward and pulled Olivia against her chest before hugging her. She let her arms encircle her mother’s waist, and for a second, relished the maternal comfort. She let it ease the anxiety that Derek’s past never failed to stir up in her. She mumbled against her mom’s shoulder, “I know he’s got secrets. I don’t know how bad they are.”
“And you’re eighteen and in love for the first time and you think you can let it go for now,” Gretchen said, kissing the top of her head. “We just worry about you, more than we can care about him. You’re our daughter, our loyalty lies with you and what’s best for you and your future.”
Olivia wanted to argue and defend Derek as her true love. She wished she could have denied and rejected what they were saying. That’s what her heart told her to do; but being responsible as always, her head snatched control with needed perspective and rationality. Derek practically had smoking flares that nearly sparked off the top of his head. They said, Danger! and Warning! and Troubled. There was no denying that. Nor how little she knew about him and his history. Troubled people could not be healed with love alone, no matter how much you loved them. She finally sighed as she leaned into her mother’s embrace. “I don’t want to give up on him.”
“I don’t think we’re saying you should. I think we’re just saying you need to be aware and be careful.”
She lifted her head off her mother’s shoulder. “I’m supposed to be getting all grown up by living away from home and going to college, but sometimes, when I think about whatever happened to him, or see the results of its effects, it scares me and all I want to do is run away. I feel about ten years old. I wish I could just throw my bedcovers over my head and pretend I’m not seeing what is right in front of me. But then again… I think I love him. And nothing has ever felt so strong in me. Despite all the odds and reason.”
Her dad stepped forward and put his hand on her shoulder. He turned her so she was clutching his neck and she leaned her head on his chest as his one hand rubbed her gently between her shoulder blades. She sniffed as she mumbled, “Why aren’t you going all crazy about this? That can’t be easy to hear. Most dads wouldn’t even listen.”
He shrugged and shook his head. “When has our relationship ever been like that? Just because I don’t love the subject matter doesn’t mean I get to bail, and not listen to you. I think the surest way for you to get lost in a bad relationship is to do it out of spite or defiance; or because we couldn’t be bothered to listen to you. We knew coming here, what this was, Liv. We do listen to you. You confide a lot to us. We decided we didn’t want that to change. Even if our hearts tell us to forbid you from seeing him again. Or that I really want him to take his eighteen-year-old ass home before I leave my little girl. Of course, I don’t want you going back into your dorm alone with him. I’m not naive, Liv. It’s not easy. Not at all. I know how much you try to respect our wishes, when many teens wouldn’t. But you do, so we’re trying too.”
Her heart released its burden, and she wiped the tears moistening her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered. Their support was something she’d appreciated for the last ten years. Even now, during this, she always had someone to talk to who would listen to her. She never felt the need to shut down because it wasn’t what they wanted for her. Despite how they were now circling around the subject of sex, which was excruciating for all concerned, Tony still didn’t bail on her. He never had and she knew he never would. Perhaps that’s what made the difference of being screwed up or not. Olivia felt pretty sure that small detail probably was what made her so okay, and kept her grounded for most of her life, while others did not have such a godsend.
He kissed the top of her head. “I love you. Just be smart. Be aware. Be careful. Love is powerful magic. Especially, the first time. We’re not trying to diminish how you feel, but you also have to realize you are only eighteen. You have a whole lot of life in front of you. Just keep some perspective. Promise me?”
She nodded against his chest and mumbled into his shirt, “I promise. I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, baby girl.”
She sucked in a breath and truly felt their love. Her mom again hugged her and reiterated more words of love, reminding her to call and be careful. Olivia watched them pull away. Her heart had to resist the urge to go home with them. Her home. The bedroom she decorated when they returned from Washington D.C. five years ago, after they bought the large two-story, sprawling house in Calliston. She could envision arriving at home, pulling in and running inside to throw her stuff down where she always did, and living with the family she had adored for so long. Instead, she turned and headed inside the dorm, trying to be a grown-up student who should have been having the time of her life. The problem was: she wasn’t very good at it. Look at her. The first boy that casts his eyes her way, becomes her steady date immediately. Exactly like Kylie warned her not to do, and she was already dubbing him her soul mate. Her true love. Her boyfriend. Why couldn’t she ever do anything just for the fun of it? Or because it was half-assed? Why did it always have to be tinged with maturity and geared towards her future?
It was confusing to Olivia. She was supposed to be an adult, but sometimes wished her dad could fix all her problems the way he used to.
Entering her dorm room, she found Derek sitting on her bed with his feet planted on the floor before him. Studying his shoes, and pretty intensely, if his expression were any indication, his eyes rose to hers. His face had no smile of greeting like it usually did. She came forward and simply curled onto his lap, needing his reassurance. She needed to know the way she felt about him was worth tackling the sense of the unknown he presented to her. His hands embraced her as she tucked her head against his shoulder. Silence spoke volumes for them.
“Did they hate me? I figured they couldn’t wait for a chance to warn you to stay away from me.”
She shook her head in the negative. “They aren’t like that. They don’t just assume things, or tell me what to do. Besides, they know I wouldn’t have listened just because they said so. Like I don’t automatically listen to you just because I’ve fallen in love with you.”
He grimaced. “Good point. I guess you don’t do that, do you?”
“No, I don’t. And they aren’t like typical parents.”
He nodded finally. “I guess not. I don’t know. I don’t know any decent parents. I just know, you’re not a typical girl, so I guess that makes sense.”
“They’re wondering how long it will be before I demand to know all the secrets you keep.” His entire body went tense under hers. “That’s true, isn’t it? What we fail to acknowledge? Your secrets? Whatever they are, you are still unwilling to share them with me.”
“Are you demanding that I do so now?”
She closed her eyes. The need to know became a burning desire that almost outweighed all the tender understanding and
gentle care she wanted to give him so he would trust her. A lifetime of distrust didn’t just disappear in a few months. But that burning desire was really hard to release. “You’re admitting there are things then?”
He sucked in a breath. “Yes. There are things.”
She leaned against him and shook her head. “I can hear your heart. I can literally feel your anxiety. Just calm down. Take a deep breath. Trust that I’m here. Trust that I love you. Just, for now, trust that.”
His arms clutched her closer and he buried his face in her hair. She had to push against his chest when he squeezed her too tightly. It was heady stuff, to feel so needed. She relished his intense, almost desperate desire and need for her love and physical presence.
His breath sounded ragged. She could feel him almost shaking. He finally regulated his breathing after several minutes of her rubbing his neck and shoulders in soothing, rhythmic strokes. He leaned back, dragging her with him so he could lie with her beside him, and in his arms. They faced each other in the dim light coming through the half-opened blinds. They didn’t turn the overhead light on. He didn’t kiss her, or touch her anywhere sexy, but kept his arms platonically around her. Yet she considered it more intimate than almost any other time. Something shifted tonight. Was it the panic attack? Or the final, mutual acknowledgment of his secrets? Or was it her permission to continue keeping them secret? The relief he felt was instantaneous. But his regret was just as strong. Was she finally including him in the real parts of her life, i.e., not just partying and hanging around a dorm room?
He leaned in and covered her ear with his lips before saying quietly, “I love you.”
She closed her eyes and an audible sigh escaped her lips. She didn’t sigh because of her simple, exquisite happiness and joy at hearing him say that. No, it was a sigh of insecurity, and meant to convey how unsure she was. Sure, she felt his love, and her own, too, but couldn’t ignore that there was still so much they hadn’t yet touched on. When they finally did, it would officially be the real start of their relationship.
****
Winter vacation finally arrived. After enduring tough finals, of which Olivia was ninety percent sure she aced, including the fifteen-page research paper, she was free for a few weeks and had no responsibilities. She intended to go home for vacation. During the first half of it, her family planned a trip to the Bahamas to spend Christmas. Reluctantly, her parents eventually consented to Olivia’s plea to ask Derek to stay with them during the second half of the vacation. He would be alone for Christmas.
The Lindstroms were staying at an all-inclusive resort and the tickets had been booked a half year in advance. That was before Derek entered her life, and Olivia thought nothing could have been more fun. Now she regretted it with an intense urgency.
The day she planned to go, she had her bags packed and the dorm all cleaned and ready to be locked up. Kylie had already taken off, catching a ride with Ally. Derek watched her set her folded pants inside her bag before she finally zipped it.
“Will you see Max on Christmas?”
He shrugged and avoided her gaze. “I work. I take shifts. Let others enjoy the season. I’ve never really celebrated it anyway.”
She leaned over and wrapped her arms around him. “Next year, it will be with me. I promise. I’ll show you what it’s supposed to be like.” She spent more than a week apologizing for abandoning him. It made her stomach hurt whenever she thought of him home alone and sad in that cold, forgotten warehouse for Christmas. She also pictured young Max, just as alone and lost, yet why couldn’t they be a family together? She could not comprehend it. Not celebrating Christmas? Hanukkah? Something? Some kind of acknowledgment about family and love and joy? It made her heart sink. She almost cancelled, but knew it wasn’t fair to her parents.
“You’ll come up to Calliston, right? It’s only a week and two days. Promise me you’ll be there and won’t chicken out.”
“Chicken out?” his eyebrows rose and his indignant expression suggested she just insulted his masculinity.
She rubbed a thumb over his mouth and traced his lips, frowning. “Yeah, you big stud. You run from family obligations and being normal exactly like I tried to run from that nightclub on our first date. So don’t disappoint me. Okay?”
She sat on his legs, straddling him, and smiling as she leaned forward and smacked her lips loudly against his. He caught her head in his hands and kissed her with his usual desperation, almost needy in his intensity. He leaned his forehead against hers. “Okay, I promise. Are you sure I should?”
“The cousins already love you. You’ve met my parents. Now? The aunts and uncles and my grandparents. They’re all part of me, Derek. A huge part. I love my family even if they’re half crazy and annoying sometimes. But they’re good too. So please, don’t chicken out.”
“I won’t chicken out just ‘cause I’ll need to see you.”
The thrill of hearing his words of need and possession were as strong as her ambivalence about what more in his life he wasn’t telling her.
“Did I tell you I got an A on the research paper? I wrote about the benefits of music on young kids’ learning and totally nailed it. Professor Donnelson said it was well written, informative, and my editing was better than average. So now it’s college proven: I’m awesome.”
He grinned and held her face in his hands. “You’re always right, huh? I mean look at your taste in boyfriends.”
His grin was happy and carefree, but so unlike how Derek was. He could flirt and be cocky and smile and make innuendos, but very rarely was he ever boyish, sweet or goofy. She leaned into him, smiling and kissing. Perhaps only three words were spoken for every kiss. But it was getting late and she had to leave for home.
“I really need to leave. I told them I’d be home about dinnertime.”
He sighed and got to his feet so she had to slide onto her own. “I know. I just hate thinking of being in this town without you. I used to like it here, and now, if you’re not in it, I detest it.”
“A week. I’ll call, right? Everyday. Like always.”
He nodded and grabbed her bags as she got her flute, backpack and purse. She slugged it over her shoulder and locked the room up after he came out. The dorm was nearly deserted as classes ended and she was one of the last to go. She just didn’t want to leave Derek. He gently laid her bags in her trunk and stood beside her driver’s door as she unlocked it and threw her purse in. Finally, she straightened and looked at him. “Sooo you’re not going to forget you have a girlfriend, are you?”
“Forget you? Jesus, it would be easier for me to forget to breathe.”
Her heart swelled with joy at his automatic answer, which also suggested how dare she say that? He pulled her forward and nearly tried to inhale her as he kissed her, keeping her tightly against him. Eventually releasing her with a near growl to drive carefully, and call when she got here, there was no love you. That’s because it was the daytime. They were not in bed. Or in the dark. Those were the only times Derek told her those three special words. She, on the other hand, easily said it to him, and all the time, on every occasion and no matter the circumstances. Perhaps she was hoping he’d hear it enough to maybe someday actually believe her.
“I love you, Derek. Go see Max. Do something special with him, or for him. Please? Make an effort to spend Christmas with him. You’re the older brother. And I’ll see you on the twenty-ninth, right?”
He nodded as she ducked into the car before shutting the door on her. He stepped back as she waved and pulled out. Her heart skipped a beat and started to hurt when she saw him staring after her. He looked so forlorn and lost against the darkening December evening. She felt cruel, like she was ditching him and he had nothing and no one. It felt awful. Somehow, she knew, she’d become his contact with the world.
Part of his allure was his neediness. Most of her pain was also because of how much he needed her.
****
Watching Olivia pull away to go home, leaving him, f
elt like she’d taken Derek’s heart, and tied it to the back of her car before dragging it home with her. He glanced around. He was alone in the darkening lot. The clouds overhead were ominous and rain seemed imminent. He glared up at her dorm. It felt unbearable. Her dorm was a tall, boxy, ugly building with uniform windows and no real character. And yet, being with her there felt more like home than he’d ever felt before. The days he spent there, that highlighted the rest of his life, were now the best part of everything else. He would have to endure his life stoically and without her, until he came back there and could be with Olivia again.
He rubbed his hand to his temple. Christ. It was only a week. He wasn’t that person. The needy, sad boyfriend, unable to survive even a week for fuck’s sake. He felt alone and lost as he started towards his car to go… where? Where should he go? To work? To put in some face-time at Quentrell’s and keep him happy and falsely secure in Derek’s loyalty? He could now do it without feeling like shit for lying to Olivia. He could now do it without hurting someone who didn’t deserve it.
Her words filtered on and off through his brain. How could he show up and meet an entire family? Meeting her parents nearly had him dialing 911, and more humiliating, they all knew it. Her dad. Her mom. Why they didn’t take her aside and tell her to dump his pathetic, sneaky, cocky, secretive ass remained a mystery to him. She just might have done whatever they told her to. Her respect and love for them were every bit as strong and real and clear as she felt for him. He knew that. And despite how immature it was, he got jealous sometimes of her love for them. Why couldn’t she simply just love him? They could face all this shit together, and alone. Without any accountability, or the need to explain to anyone else. Without having to separate for a week because her family had freaking vacation tickets. He hated not being included in whatever she was doing. He just wanted her there with him.