To prove to a woman that she is attractive, there is no better way than wooing her. For single girls in their prime, this type of proof is due recognition of their desirableness. For those who are married and approaching middle age, this poof is not only solace but also must be considered a compliment. Those women who, when young, set the highest standards in selecting their beaux frequently lower their standards when they find themselves at the twilight of their emotions. Persons who never could have become their husbands now have a chance to be just that.
Manqian had already reached a stage in life when she needed proof and compliments. She was certain that she and Tianjian would never fall in love—at least she would not love him with any passion. She was not worried about the future. She had a husband—that was her best security, her best defense against Tianjian. Her own marriage marked a line in her friendship with Tianjian that neither was to cross. Tianjian was a truly likable person. She kept that knowledge to herself, unwilling to give him any more definite signs of her liking by calling him “lovable.” No wonder Caishu said Tianjian was a lady’s man. When Manqian thought of Tianjian’s girlfriends, an inexplicable annoyance surfaced. Maybe he considered her one of his many girlfriends. No, she would never consent to be that type of girlfriend, and he would not treat her like that. He had never treated her flippantly, in a materialistic manner. His frequent visits with her fully showed his capacity for quietness. After Tianjian had visited her a number of times, she was often tempted to ask him if what her husband had said of him, that he was really “madly in love,” was true, but she was afraid to betray her secret, her vague sense of jealousy, by her tone of voice or choice of words. So she held herself back. This was also a secret she wanted to keep from her husband. Hence she never breathed a word to Caishu about Tianjian’s frequent visits. Gradually she developed a routine. Every other day she prepared (never admitting she hoped) for him to visit her. After lunch she would apply light makeup to her face. Despite their familiarity with each other, whenever she heard him come in she became excited, and it required tremendous effort on her part to dispel the involuntary flush on her face before she came in.
In this way a new meaning seemed to enter her life. A month or so later it was winter, the best season in the mountain-ringed city. Day after day of brilliant sunshine dazzled newcomers, who could not believe that the weather could be so beautiful, particularly those who had been used to dramatic seasonal changes. Daylight emerged in tender, rosy morning rays and disappeared in the rich yellow of evening, completely different from the winter in the north, which brought chilly gusts of wind. Because the city was located at a high altitude, it was said that a thin layer of fog surrounded it in winter and thus diminished the possibility of its being attacked by enemy planes. The streets, as a result, were thronged with more shoppers than before.
One day Tianjian came to visit Manqian as usual. After sitting for a while, he said he had to leave. When she asked him why he was in a hurry, since it was still early, he replied, “The weather is too nice to be true. How can you stay home doing nothing? Why don’t you take a walk with me.”
The question put Manqian in a dilemma. If she said she was willing to be bored at home, she would be telling an obvious lie. There wasn’t even enough truth in it to fool herself. On the other hand, to stroll with Tianjian in public, she felt, would be improper and might cause gossip. Wary of this, but unable to tell him her true feelings, she replied weakly, “If you’re bored, please suit yourself.”
Tianjian seemed to understand her. In a half-serious and half-joking tone he said, “It’s not me. It’s you who must be feeling bored sitting her all the time. I have lots of activities. What’s wrong with going out together? Would Caishu think I’ve abducted you?”
Manqian was in more of a dilemma. Ambiguously she murmured, “It’s not like that. You just go ahead. I won’t keep you.”
Knowing that he could not force her, Tianjian left. After he left Manqian felt disappointed for a while, with the knowledge that she had really wanted him to stay. It was only a little after three o’clock, a long time before evening—a stretch of time lay in front of her as impassable as a desert. At first, time had passed in blocks, but once Tianjian had left, the hours, minutes, and seconds, as if removed from their spines, loosened into countless tiny bits and pieces. No event could serve as a thread to string them together. She was used to lonely afternoons, but she couldn’t bear this one. She thought she really should have gone out with Tianjian because she needed small items like toothpaste and a toothbrush. Though he was not her husband, she could justify the trip as business, which would soothe her conscience and provide an excuse to anyone who asked. No one could say she had asked him to accompany her, nor gone along just for the sake of accompanying him.
The next day the weather became even more beautiful. The events of the previous day had left a residue powerful enough to vibrate in her heart, and Manqian could not sit still at home. In the morning there were some household chores for her to do, and because of the air raids, stores and shops would not be open until three in the afternoon. Not having been out for a few days, she noticed some new stores that copied the style of the stores in Shanghai and Hong Kong. Standing before a new drugstore and looking at the sample goods advertised in the windows, she pondered what to buy. Suddenly she heard a man’s voice behind her. It was Tianjian’s. Eyes fixed on the windows, she blushed. Her vision blurring, she could not tell what she was looking at. Her heart felt as if it were being pummeled, and for a moment she hadn’t the nerve to turn and call to him. Then as she began to turn, she heard a woman talking and laughing with him. Involuntarily she stopped herself. After the footsteps had passed her, she turned around and saw him and the woman enter the drugstore. Though the woman’s face was partly blocked by him, she did get a rear view of the woman, a woman shapely enough to make an onlooker want to run ahead and catch the front view. Manqian, awakening from a dream, realized the woman must be the “aircraft carrier.” All of a sudden she lost her courage to enter the drugstore and quickly left the place as if she were avoiding them. She no longer had any desire to buy sundries. Her heart and feet were as heavy as lead, and she could not walk home, so she hired a rickshaw.
Once she settled down, she fully comprehended how much anguish she had felt. She knew she had no reason to feel that way, but who could argue with a person’s heart? She didn’t hate Tianjian, but she felt uneasy, as if she realized the happiness of the past month really amounted to nothing. No, it did not amount to nothing. If it had, she wouldn’t be feeling the way she did. She yearned to see him at once to calm her much-confused soul. What she had witnessed that day she could not fully accept, and she wanted him to prove to her that what she had seen was an illusion. All in all, she felt he must explain things to her. Would he come that day? Probably not. The next day? The next day seemed so far away. She really could not wait that long. Also at the same time she felt conscience stricken, afraid that her husband might notice her agitated state.
That evening when Caishu came home, she was an unusually attentive wife, and she asked him this and that. Meanwhile, she valiantly tried to prevent her vexations from intruding into her consciousness and from making her answers to her husband appear incoherent. After they went to bed, dreading insomnia, she concentrated with all her might on removing thoughts of Tianjian, or at least on putting them aside. She did not want to think of them now. It was like putting fish and meat in a refrigerator overnight in hot weather.
The next day when she awoke, the agony of the evening before had slipped away with sleep, and she felt silly for having exaggerated matters. What did it matter to her that Tianjian had gone out with some woman? After all, he would be coming to see her soon, and she could subtly tease him about it. But as soon as noon passed, her heart fluttered, and she became fidgety, eagerly awaiting him.
Tianjian did not appear that afternoon, nor the next day. In fact, he didn’t come even on the fifth day. He had never stayed away for this
length of time since they had come to know each other. Then a thought occurred to Manqian: “Maybe, through some uncanny telepathy, he has become aware of my attitude toward him and is afraid to come anymore. But how could he know my mind?” In any case, it was better to abandon hope, never to expect to see him again. Having tasted the ironic paradoxes that life offers, she knew how God fools everyone. To turn hope into reality, she concluded, the first thing to do was to stop yearning and prepare herself for a surprise later. This “abandoning of hope” lasted three days, during which period there was no trace of Tianjian. It seemed that God did not care to correct any error that had been made, pretending not to know that her “abandoning of hope” was only a debased form of hope and allowing her to be confirmed in her disappointment.
During those eight days Manqian seemed gravely ill and aged mentally ten years. All the emotions that accompany love she tasted in a double dose. Her weary body and mind were as tense as ever. Like an insomniac, the more exhausted she was, the tauter her nerves became. Several times she wanted to write Tianjian, having drafted the letter many times in her mind, but her pride prevented her from doing so. The thought “maybe he’ll show up today or tomorrow” stopped her from writing. In her husband’s presence, she tried her best to appear normal, but this required a lot of energy and effort. Therefore, she wanted her husband to stay out of the house so that she would not have to expend energy on him. But once he left the house, alone with herself, she felt defenseless and besieged by vexations. It was literally impossible for her not to think of the matter. Whatever she was doing, she inevitably thought of Tianjian—she was like an ox turning a grindstone. In these eight days the physical separation between her and Tianjian enhanced their mental affinity. Previously she had been unwilling to think of him and forbade herself to think of him. Now she not only missed him, she also hated him. The last time he said good-bye to her, they had been on speaking terms, but during these eight days it was as if her heart had been fermenting, intensifying her feelings for him. Her attempt to turn despair into hope had failed. It was so unfair that he had obtained her affection without wooing her. She blamed herself for being weak. She must discipline herself into not wanting to see him. At the most she’d see him once more. She’d have to be cool to him, and so let him know that she didn’t care whether he came or not.
Another day passed. After lunch Manqian was washing her silk stockings, which could not withstand the maid’s crude hands—a conclusion Manqian had drawn from past experience. At this time the maid told her she was going out. Her hands covered in soapy water, Manqian did not rise to latch the door, merely telling the maid to close it. Meanwhile, Manqian thought that Christmas would come in a few days, followed by New Year’s, and she wondered if she should send Tianjian a Christmas card—just a card with nothing else in it. Then she hated herself for being a fool, for not being able to forget him, for wanting to retain some contact with him. A little later, after washing the stockings and drying her hands, she was about to latch the door.
Then the door creaked open. When she saw it was Tianjian she felt so weak that she almost could not stand still. Dazed, she watched him close the door behind him and heard him laugh on his way in, yelling, “Why was the door left open? Are you home alone? I haven’t seen you for a few days. How have you been?”
The tension she had been under the last eight days was suddenly released. She discovered that the bitter tears she had stored up within her were now threatening to pour out. Her intention of giving him a perfunctory smile failed to materialize. Lowering her head she said in a hoarse voice, “What a rare visitor!”
Tianjian sensed something unusual in the situation. Stupefied for a moment, he kept staring at her. Suddenly a smile emerged, and he walked toward her, whispering, “You seem unhappy today. Who are you mad at?”
For some reason none of the vituperative words she had prepared for him could come out. She felt the weight of silence on her increasing every second. With considerable effort she finally blurted out, “Why did you bother to come? Such beautiful weather! Why didn’t you go out with your girlfriend?” After she said these words, she felt as if she had suffered many grievances, and it became even more difficult for her to hold back her tears. She thought to herself, “What a disaster! Now he sees through me!”
In her confusion, she discovered Tianjian’s cradling her neck with his hands and gently kissing her eyes. “Silly child! Silly child!” he murmured.
Instinctively Manqian struggled free of his hands and ran to her room, saying repeatedly, “Go away! I don’t want to see you today. Leave this instant!”
Tianjian left. But what happened that day completely changed his attitude toward Manqian. In his recollections of his dealings with her over the past month or so, he saw a fresh meaning that had wholly escaped him before. Looking back, he understood what had always made him come to see her. Like a lamp on a ship’s stern, his reflection suddenly lit up the path it had sailed. At the same time, he thought he had the right to request something of her and even the obligation to conquer her. Though he had no idea how far he wanted to go with her, his male ego told him he must pursue his course until she frankly and uninhibitedly admitted that he was her lover.
As for Manqian, she knew her secret had been compromised. There was no retreat. Her only regret was that she had allowed him so much leeway, allowed him to think everything would come so easily. Therefore, she decided she must be cool to him, to discount the degree of intimacy between them, so that he would not take her for granted or at face value. She hoped this strategy of reverse psychology would lead him to beg sincerely for her love. Only in this manner could she have vengeance for what had happened today and so even the score with him. Her only worry was that he wouldn’t come the next day. And when he did show up the next day, she had told her maid in advance that she was not well and so forced him to come some other time.
Tianjian assumed that Manqian was truly ill, and in his concern, immediately bought two small baskets of Chongqing tangerines and had a special messenger deliver them. Since it would not be appropriate to write a note, he attached his name card to the gift. A day later he sent a Christmas card and an invitation asking Manqian and her husband to Christmas dinner.
The reply was in Caishu’s name, but the writing was apparently Manqian’s. It said simply, “We dare not refuse your dinner invitation. Let us thank you in advance. See you on that day.”
Tianjian though about this carefully and concluded that Manqian had implied she did not want him to see her. People who are capable of defending themselves don’t shut their doors to callers. He thought he must behave with the magnanimity of a victor, as there was no present need to impose himself on her.
On Christmas evening Tianjian and Manqian met. Maybe it was because her passion toward him had cooled, or maybe she was emboldened by the presence of her husband. To his surprise, she was very calm. Many a time he had hoped to discover their mutual secret revealed either in her face or in her eyes, but he couldn’t find any indication of it. The dinner went smoothly, but he was nonetheless disappointed. Then the New Year holidays came around and Caishu remained at home. Tianjian went to visit Manqian once, but he had no chance to talk to her. Moreover, she seemed rather distant toward him and left the room a few times under false pretenses. At first he thought her behavior was due to her bashfulness and was a little pleased. But then, when she seemed to be totally indifferent to him, he felt uneasy.
Caishu went back to work after the holidays. Tianjian visited Manqian again. Like severed silk, their earlier friendship could not be rejoined. Her stern looks made him feel restrained, and he experienced the vexation of having something slip through his fingers. He could not decide what approach to use with her: to remain cool and detached or to be rude and passionate. Watching her knit a sweater with her head bent, the uncontrollable slight blush on her face, her long eyelashes covering her eyes like a lampshade over a lamp, he was tempted to kiss her. He even walked toward her. Her bent fac
e appeared even more flushed.
“You shouldn’t be mad at me anymore,” he said half questioningly.
“Me mad at you? No such thing,” she replied, trying to appear calm.
“We get along quite well. Why must we hide our secrets and not say what’s in our hearts?”
She was silent, mechanically knitting with increased speed. Edging toward her, he put his hands on her shoulders. She struggled free and knit at a furious pace. In a low but commanding voice she said, “Go away. There’ll be a scandal if the maid sees us.”
He had no choice but to release her. In an aggrieved tone, he said, “I know I’m not welcome anymore. I’ve come too often and become a pest. Please forgive me this time. I won’t be a nuisance anymore.” As he was saying that, he realized he had been extreme in his choice of words. If she did not respond to what he said, he had allowed himself no room for other maneuvers, and he must consider the whole matter a complete fiasco. But Manqian continued to knit, giving no response. The few minutes that went by in total silence were nearly as painfully long as several lifetimes. Knowing he could not force anything from her, he was so exasperated that the following exploded from his throat: “Okay, I’m going now. I’ll never come again . . . and you just leave me alone too.”
As soon as that was said, he went to fetch his hat. Suddenly, Manqian raised her head. With a bashful smile she looked at the fiery-tempered Tianjian and said, with her head lowered again, “See you tomorrow then. I plan to go shopping. Would you have time to come with me tomorrow after lunch?”
Tianjian was bewildered for a moment before he realized that he had won. He was so ecstatic that he wanted to jump up and down. He felt he must kiss her to mark this moment of triumph. Then he realized she wouldn’t dare to do such a thing, and he must be wary of the maid. As he left her, he was elated, thinking another romance of his had borne fruit, except he had not celebrated this victory with a kiss, as was his custom. And that must be considered the only flaw in an otherwise perfect victory.
Humans, Beasts, and Ghosts Page 27