He held his breath, waiting, and finally she lifted her head and met his eyes.
* * *
Why did everyone think she had guts?
Right then, she felt like the biggest coward in the universe, because she didn’t even have the courage to take her clothes off in front of him and it wasn’t like he’d be shocked by her scars. They weren’t even bad in the great scheme of things. But they were hers, and she wanted him to want her and he might not, and that made it different.
Maybe later, further down the line, when she knew him better...?
But if she let him go, if she bottled out now, would he ask again? And how would she feel if he didn’t?
Gutted.
She held his eyes, trying to read them, looking for pity, but it wasn’t there. Compassion, yes, and understanding, but something else, too, something warm and very masculine that sent a tiny shiver of need through her.
‘Don’t go.’
His eyes flickered with something unreadable. ‘Sure?’
She nodded and sucked in a deep breath. ‘Yes. Yes, I’m sure,’ she said firmly—more firmly than she felt, but obviously enough to convince him because he smiled then, his mouth tilting slightly, then heeled off his shoes and put them neatly side by side.
His trousers were next, folded carefully over the back of the chair, then he unbuttoned his shirt systematically, button by button, his eyes never leaving hers.
Was he doing it to torture her? Because if so, it was working.
He laid the shirt over the trousers, stripped off his socks and tucked them into his shoes and then, in snug jersey shorts that left much too little to the imagination, he walked slowly towards her, and she felt her mouth dry.
‘You look a little over-dressed,’ he said softly, and then waited while her heart started to beat faster and her courage wavered.
Now what? Because it was one thing her seeing her scar and it reinforcing, every day, the fact that she was alive and well and here to tell the tale. It was quite another to show it to someone else. Even someone who knew what to expect. Especially someone whose reaction mattered so much to her.
But she trusted him, and if she was going to be with him he had to see it, so she might as well get it over with. She screwed up her courage again and held his searching gaze.
‘So, I thought you wanted to take my dress off?’
His lips parted, and then he laughed softly and closed his eyes for a moment.
‘It’ll be a pleasure,’ he said, his voice a little rough and gravelly, and took that last step towards her.
‘Be careful with it,’ she warned, and he laughed again and shook his head slowly.
‘I’ll be careful,’ he promised, and she knew he was talking about more than the dress.
Although the dress did seem to be an issue. He frowned as he studied it. ‘You might need to give me a clue. I have no idea how it comes off.’
That made her laugh, too, releasing some of the tension, and she obligingly lifted her left arm and pointed to the concealed zip at the side. ‘And there’s a tiny hook and eye at the top.’
‘I’ve got it,’ he said, and gripping the tab, he slid the zip carefully down, inch by inch, until it reached the bottom, his fingers brushing her skin in passing and making her quiver.
‘Over your head, or down past your hips?’ he asked, and her heart lurched.
‘Hips,’ she said, knowing what was coming next because the dress had inbuilt support so the only underwear she had on was a pair of barely there silky shorts. As he lifted his hands the breath jammed in her throat, trapped there by the pounding of her heart, and then he surprised her.
‘Turn around,’ he said softly, his hands settling on her shoulders and nudging her gently in the right direction.
She turned, confused, and then felt his fingers take hold of the right shoulder and ease it carefully down her arm. She pulled her arm free, and the dress caught on her hips for a moment, then slithered off and puddled round her ankles, leaving her all but naked.
She had an overwhelming urge to cross her arms across her chest, but she swallowed her fear and kept them still.
Trust him...
‘Step out of it.’
If she could make her feet move. She lifted one, then the other, her legs shaking slightly, and he eased the dress away. She heard it rustle as he put it down, and then he was back, his hands curving over her shoulders, his fingertips resting on her collarbones, his thumbs sweeping lightly over the back of her neck.
She felt his breath against her nape, then the touch of his mouth, warm and reassuring. ‘So let’s see how this clip works,’ he said, and then his hands were in her hair, freeing it so it tumbled down around her shoulders, and she heard him sigh softly.
‘That’s better. I love your hair,’ he murmured, sifting it through his fingers, and then gently, without exerting any pressure, he turned her back towards him.
‘Come here,’ he said softly, and drew her into his arms, folding her gently against that broad, reassuringly solid chest. She felt the brush of the soft, dark hair that sprinkled his pecs, the warmth of his skin on hers, smelt the scent of his body overlaid with cologne, warm and slightly musky and enticing.
‘That’s better,’ he murmured, and for a long time he did nothing except hold her. Her heart was pounding—or was it his? His, maybe, strong and steady, and she felt hers settle, but then he lowered his head and trailed a line of kisses over her cheek and down across her shoulder, lifting her hair out of the way, tunnelling his fingers through it and kissing the side of her neck behind her ear, sending flames licking through her.
Then he let her go, slid his hands down her arms and linked his fingers with hers as he took a step back and looked slowly down, and she closed her eyes and waited, her heart racing now.
‘Look at me,’ he murmured, and she opened her eyes and stared straight into his. They were dark, darker than she’d ever seen them, the colour of wet slate, his pupils flared, and his chest was rising and falling with every breath.
‘You’re beautiful, Olivia,’ he said, his voice raw, ‘absolutely beautiful,’ and her heart turned over. Nobody had ever said that to her before—well, only her parents and that didn’t count, not in this way. Not in the way he’d said it, and she felt her eyes fill.
‘Come here,’ he murmured, and she took a deep breath and stepped into his arms.
* * *
‘That feels so good.’
His voice was a low murmur, his breath drifting against her skin as they lay tangled together in her bed. He scattered tiny, nibbling kisses over her face, and Livvy closed her eyes. She could feel the need in him, in the rise and fall of his chest, the pounding of his heart, the hard jut of his erection against her body.She moaned and moved closer, their legs meshing, but that just made the ache worse. ‘I want you.’
‘I want you, too, but we can’t.’
‘I know. I’m so cross. Why didn’t we think ahead?’
He laughed unsteadily, his hand cradling her face, his thumb stroking her cheek rhythmically, soothing her. ‘Because we didn’t have an agenda,’ he said. ‘And because I guess we’re both out of practice and it didn’t even occur to us that this might happen so soon, even though we’d had that conversation. I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect it, and I didn’t realise—I just thought you might be on the pill or something.’
She nodded. It certainly hadn’t occurred to her, and she was kicking herself for that because she’d expected him to have thought of it.
‘I can’t take the pill, and even if I could, I wouldn’t need to be on it. There hasn’t been anyone, not since...’
‘Not at all?’
She shook her head. ‘No. The guy I was with then really couldn’t handle it, our relationship wasn’t strong enough, so I ended it, and since then I haven’t been ready—physically, emotionally.
But I’m ready now, and we can’t, and that’s my fault.’ She laid a hand against his cheek, feeling the tingle of stubble, the hard line of his jaw, the clench of a muscle. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You have nothing to be sorry for,’ he said gently, sifting his fingers through her hair now, his eyes on hers. ‘Nothing. And there’s no hurry.’
His mouth found hers again, and she felt heat race through her like a wildfire, reaching every part of her and making her whimper. She reached for him, her hand sliding down his chest, but he caught her wrist and stopped her.
‘Uh-uh,’ he murmured. ‘You can’t do that, Livvy. I’m hanging by a thread as it is and when we do this, I want to do it properly, not when we’re both tired and we can’t follow through.’
His fingers traced her cheek, and his smile was gentle and a bit wry. ‘I think it’s time we went to sleep, don’t you?’
He reached out and turned off the light, then gathered her up against his chest and kissed her again, a tender, gentle kiss, cooling the heat but filling her with a different sort of warmth that brought tears to her eyes.
She settled against him, her head on his shoulder, and as she lay there she could hear his heartbeat slow, taking hers with it as she drifted peacefully into sleep.
* * *
He woke shortly before seven and got up, pulled on his clothes and brought her a cup of green tea, kissing her awake.
She blinked and stared at him. ‘You’re dressed! What time is it?’
‘Seven. I need to go. I’m going to be conspicuous enough going home in these clothes, but the later I leave it the worse it’ll be because there’ll be more people about.’
‘You’ll just meet all the runners and dog walkers getting out before it’s too hot,’ she told him, and he had a horrible feeling she was right, but it had to be done and, anyway, the children would ring him soon and he needed to be able to talk to them without distractions or they’d be curious. Or Sally would, and he wasn’t ready to tell Sally about this—whatever this was—when he was still coming to terms with it himself.
Besides, he needed to go shopping.
‘Look, I have to go. Why don’t you get up when you’re ready and have a shower and then come round to mine? I’ll feed you brunch.’
‘Scrambled egg club sandwich?’
He chuckled and kissed her again. ‘Of course. Bring some green tea, I don’t have any and they might not have any in the little shop. Do you know where I live?’
She shook her head.
‘I’ll text you my address when I get home. It’s on the clifftop near Ed and Annie, on the way to the harbour. Ring me when you leave.’
‘OK. I’ll see you later—about nine?’
‘Sounds fine.’
And it would have been, if he hadn’t bumped into Ed. He’d been walking their dog along the clifftop, and he crossed the road and paused on the drive as Matt got out of the car.
‘Morning! Another gorgeous day.’
He stifled a groan and patted the dog, who was nudging his hand. ‘Isn’t it a bit early to be so cheerful?’
‘This is early?’ Ed said with a laugh. ‘The kids have been up an hour, and I always walk the dog first thing, you know that.’ He eyed his clothes pointedly. ‘Good party?’ he added with all the subtlety of an express train, and Matt sighed.
‘Yes, thanks. Bit of a late night, though.’
‘So how is Livvy? I take it she’s got over her fall?’ he asked.
How the hell—? Unless it was just a random punt...
‘She’s fine. She’s coming over shortly for brunch so I can’t hang about, I need to go shopping.’
‘She’s nice. I like her,’ Ed said casually, but there was nothing casual about it and he had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. ‘She’s also very kind and soft-hearted,’ he added quietly. ‘Don’t hurt her, Matt.’
He stopped trying to get away and turned to face his old friend. ‘Why would you think I’d hurt her?’
Ed shook his head, his eyes serious now. ‘I don’t know, but your car was outside her house fifteen minutes ago and you’re not exactly dressed for a lazy Sunday morning, so I’m guessing you spent the night with her.’
He held on to his temper with difficulty. ‘How is that in any way your business?’
‘It isn’t. I know that, but I care about you, Matt, and I care about Livvy, and I’d hate to see either of you get hurt. Just be sure you’re ready for this before you get in too deep—unless it’s just casual sex, but I really hope not. You’ve had a tough time, and I’m glad you’re moving on, but I’d hate to think you were using her to do it.’
‘I’m not using her,’ he said firmly, slamming the car door and walking off before he said something he’d regret, but his friend’s words had struck a chord, and he went into the house and closed the door with a shaky sigh.
Was Ed right? Was he using her? No. Surely not. That wasn’t how it felt at all, but how did it feel?
Crazy, immense, confusing.
And hugely important, somehow. So the other thing, then. Was Ed right about that, about him getting in too deep, too soon? And too deep for who? Him, still mourning the loss of Jules, or Olivia, still dealing with the aftermath of cancer?
Both of them, probably, but Ed’s less than subtle warning had come too late, because he was in it up to his neck now and there was no way he could walk away from her even if he wanted to. And he didn’t want to.
What about the children?
What about them? They weren’t part of this—this whatever it was. Arrangement? It wasn’t even that organised.
He went into his bedroom, sent her a text message with his address, then showered slowly, pulled on shorts and a T-shirt, tidied the house a bit and headed out to the nearest express store. It had just opened, and he grabbed food for breakfast and a few other essentials.
Something for him and the kids tonight, salad, more ketchup—and condoms? He hesitated, staring blankly at the display, wondering at the wisdom of it. If he bought them, they’d use them. If he didn’t, they’d wait.
Maybe that was a good idea, just until he’d worked out what the hell he was doing and why.
He left them on the shelf and headed for the checkout.
Her phone was ringing as she got out of the shower, and she grabbed her towel, scrubbed her hands dry and picked it up, putting it on hands-free so she could dry herself while she talked.
‘Hi, Dad, you’re up bright and early. How are you? How’s the head?’
He laughed, the sound echoing round the bathroom. ‘My head’s fine, thank you. How’s yours?’
‘Oh, fine. I’m tired, but I’m OK. It was a great party.’
‘It was, wasn’t it? Your mother’s good at that sort of thing. So, I take it you got home all right?’
Her heart gave a little lurch.
‘Yes, fine, thanks. We got back about two. Matt was very pleased to have seen you both and had a chance to thank you for what you did for him. I knew you’d been there, but I didn’t realise you’d driven him to London that day. It must have been awful.’
‘He told you about it?’
‘Only that, really. Not much at all.’
‘No, I don’t suppose he did. He probably finds it hard to talk about. Livvy, darling, you will be careful, won’t you? Don’t let yourself get too involved. He won’t mean to hurt you, he’s not like that, but he was devastated when his wife died and he can’t be in a good place even now, and there are the children to consider as well, and I know that’s an issue for you. Just be careful and don’t let yourself get in too deep.’
Too late...
‘Dad, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, or him, or the children. Neither of us is looking for anything serious and I know it’s not going anywhere. Look, I don’t mean to be rude but we’ve arranged to meet up for breakfast and I’m just
out of the shower and I need to dry my hair.’
‘OK, but take care. I love you.’
‘Love you, too.’
* * *
She rang Matt as she left home, and he was just getting the shopping out of his car when she pulled up on the drive outside his house. His very impressive, beautifully presented clifftop house that made her little rented Victorian semi seem very tame.
‘Hi,’ she said, going over to him, and he bent and kissed her cheek.
‘Hi. You OK?’
‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks. A bit tired still, but that goes with the territory, I’m often tired. So, what’s in the shopping bag?’
‘Bacon, eggs, tomatoes, bread and some other bits and pieces. I really need to do a proper internet order if I ever get a minute, but I did manage to get green tea for you so I’m not entirely useless. Come on in.’
She wondered what else he’d bought and if he’d remedied their tragic failure to think ahead. Maybe. She could only hope.
She followed him through the door and into a huge L-shaped living space that ran across the house and from front to back, with stunning views down the drive and across the clifftop to the sea, and her eyes widened. ‘Oh, wow. That’s amazing. I can see why you bought it.’
He gave a hollow laugh and dumped the shopping on the worktop.
‘To be honest, eighteen months ago the sea view was the last thing on my mind, but it ticked all the boxes. It’s got four bedrooms, it’s literally just round the corner from my mother, who is utterly indispensable to me and the children, and it has the added bonus of a garage I can convert into an annex for her if and when necessary, so it was exactly what I needed, but it was in a shocking state and I poured a lot of money and effort into it without really thinking about anything but the practicalities.’
A Single Dad to Heal Her Heart Page 8