She sat up, swiped the tears away and laughed at that, because it seemed somehow trivial and insignificant in comparison to what he’d gone through, although at the time it had seemed horrendous and insurmountable and maybe still did, when she let herself think about it, which was why she didn’t, because otherwise she’d crumble.
And she wasn’t going to let herself do that.
‘I felt it,’ she told him, trying to sound matter-of-fact, ‘this tiny little bump. It was so small, like a little pea, but just enough to feel. I was very thin at the time, I’d been living on fresh air and nerves through my finals, and I was just getting to the end of my F1 year, my first year in the real world, and I was in the shower and I felt this little thing up near my armpit, so I went to see my GP thinking it was just a gland, I was run-down, it was nothing, and he said it needed investigating and referred me urgently, which freaked me out a bit, so as soon as I got my mammogram appointment I contacted the breast clinic and pointed out I worked in the hospital so I was available at no notice if they had a cancellation, and two days later they rang me to say someone had broken down on the way and could I take the appointment, and three days after that they called me back in, did a million more tests and told me I had cancer.’
He swore softly and threaded his fingers through hers. ‘And then what?’
She laughed. ‘They did a lumpectomy, but the pathologist said they hadn’t taken enough margin so six weeks later after it was healed I had to have another op, and then when it was healed again I had radiotherapy. They’d taken four lymph nodes, and they were all clear, so I didn’t need chemo. I was very relieved about that because I was dreading it, but anyway, it healed, I was fine, and I got on with it, but it was pretty grim and I took a year out just to come to terms with it because it shakes you, you know? You feel nothing’s the same any more, and you suddenly realise who your friends are and who matters and who doesn’t, and what things are important and what’s just white noise, and you cut all that out of your life. Like Mark.’
‘Mark?’
‘My ex. He didn’t want to know, and if he didn’t want to know, I didn’t want him there, so I cut him out of my life. I read a ton of books about self-help, diet, fitness—’
‘Hence the green tea and the sugar ban,’ he said softly, and she smiled and nodded.
‘Hence the green tea and the sugar ban and all the other stuff. And you know, I feel better than I ever have? I’m fit, I’m well, my work-life balance is better, I sleep well now, I don’t do things that make me stressed or unhappy, and every day I get up and count my blessings—number one being that I’m still here.’
Even if I’m alone because I can’t drag anyone with me on this crazy roller coaster, and even if I’ll never be able to have a child...
He gave a soft huff of laughter. ‘Yeah, I absolutely get that. Life’s pretty fragile. You’ve only got to do our job to realise that, but you can get immune to it and then it comes home to roost and it’s quite a wake-up call. It’s certainly given me a better insight into how to give bad news because I know now what it feels like to be on the receiving end of it, and it ain’t pretty.’
He sighed, and glanced at his watch.
‘I need to go soon, I’m having lunch with the children at Juliet’s sister’s, but we’ve got time for another drink if you’d like?’
‘Are you sure?’ She turned to face him, searching his eyes, but they were puzzled.
‘Why wouldn’t I be sure?’
She shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Because talking about her upset you, and that’s my fault and I thought you might want me to go.’
‘No. I wanted you to know, and I wanted to know about you, and I certainly don’t want you to go. It’s all good.’ He slung an arm around her shoulders, dropped a quick kiss on her lips and pulled her to her feet.
‘Come on, let’s go and get another drink and soak up some of that gorgeous sea view you’re raving about, and then we can talk about when we’re going to squeeze in another date—assuming you still want to, now you know what a sad case I am?’
She stared at him as if he was crazy. ‘Of course I want to! Well, if you do...’
‘Oh, I do,’ he said, his eyes curiously intent. ‘I definitely do.’ His mouth quirked. ‘But I might need to go shopping.’
She felt the tension shift and the atmosphere lighten, and she smiled back at him.
‘I’m so glad you said that.’
He laughed, swore softly under his breath and kissed her, then let her go and stepped away. ‘Don’t look at me like that! It’s difficult enough. Right, let’s get this drink before we do something stupid.’
* * *
It was so simple in theory, but in practice finding time to get together when both of them were free and his mother could babysit was next to impossible, and it was frustrating him to bits.
He worked mostly days except for when he was on call or on the weekend rota, and Livvy was on a phase of late shifts, so it was Friday before they caught up face-to-face.
He was called down to the ED to look at a young man who’d been slashed by a bottle in a drunken brawl at five in the afternoon, and he found her in a cubicle, applying pressure to the wound while the man gripped her by the wrist and yelled abuse.
‘Problems?’ he asked her, but the patient answered.
‘Stupid woman’s hurting me, I want a doctor, not a reg—whatever it says on her badge!’ he yelled, and Matt calmly prised his fingers off her wrist, placed a hand on his chest and pinned him firmly to the bed.
‘Then you’d better behave. Either you need our help,’ he went on, his voice deadly quiet, ‘or you leave, but we don’t take that sort of abuse from anybody, under any circumstances, and you either apologise to Dr Henderson now or I call Security and you leave and take your chances, but you’ve already lost a lot of blood so I don’t fancy the odds. The choice is yours.’
‘But she doesn’t know what she’s doing!’
‘Dr Henderson knows exactly what she’s doing, and right now she’s trying to stop you bleeding to death, so the least you can do is be a little co-operative while she does it,’ he said tightly. He felt the man slump under his hand, and he nodded. ‘Right, let’s start again. My name’s Matthew Hunter—’
He tensed again. ‘It says you’re Mister on your badge! That’s not a proper doctor, either!’
‘Mr Hunter is a consultant trauma surgeon,’ Livvy said crisply, ‘and I only called him down because he’s a soft-tissue injury specialist, so you should consider yourself very, very lucky to have him and start to co-operate before he refuses to treat you.’
He opened his mouth, shut it and let out a huff.
‘Better,’ Matt said, stifling a smile at Livvy’s skilful and cutting intervention. ‘Now apologise to her,’ he added, and the man grumbled what might just have been an apology, and he let him go.
‘Right, if we’re all done with the drama let’s have a look at this,’ he said, snapping on gloves, and Livvy moved out of the way and he lifted the saturated pad and slapped it back on.
‘OK, he’s nicked an artery, we need to move to Resus.’
‘An artery? Isn’t that dangerous?’ the man said, his eyes widening.
‘Only if we let go. You need to pick your fights more carefully.’
‘It wasn’t me who did it, it was my mate,’ the man said, looking worried now and missing his double meaning, and Matt stifled a laugh.
‘You need to pick your friends more carefully, then. Right, let’s move,’ he said, and holding pressure on the leg, he kicked the brakes off and helped shift him through to Resus.
It took nearly an hour for him to repair the leg to his satisfaction, but finally the man was shipped out to the observation cubicles and he had a minute to talk to Livvy alone.
He ushered her out of Resus and into the corridor.
‘How can th
ey get in that much trouble in the middle of the afternoon?’ he grumbled, and she laughed.
‘Tell me about it. Anyway, enough of him. How are you?’ she asked, looking up at him with a smile, and his mouth tilted.
‘Much better now he’s gone and I’ve got you to myself. What are you doing tomorrow evening?’
‘Tomorrow? Nothing.’
‘So do you fancy going out for a meal?’
Her eyes lit up. ‘That would be lovely. Or I could cook for you?’
He shook his head. ‘No. That would make me a liar. I told my mother there was a possibility a couple of people from the hospital were going to the pub,’ he said with a wry grin, and her mouth formed a little O, and then she smiled.
‘In which case, the pub would be great. Do you want me to meet you there?’
‘No. I’ll pick you up but I haven’t decided where we’re going yet. Seafront, river or country?’ he asked.
‘Ooh, that’s tough. River?’
He nodded. ‘I know the perfect place. Eight o’clock OK?’
She smiled up into his eyes, and his heart started to beat a little faster.
‘Sounds perfect. Is it dressy?’
He shook his head. ‘No. We did that last week. This is definitely casual. I’ll probably wear jeans and a shirt. Right, I need to get home. I’m already late. See you tomorrow.’
He glanced around to make sure there was nobody watching, then dropped a kiss on her lips, winked and walked away, his heart lighter and his body humming with anticipation.
* * *
The house was quiet when he got home, and he found his mother in the family room, picking up toys.
‘Here, let me.’ He got down on his knees to help her. ‘I’m sorry I’m late. How’ve they been?’
‘Oh, fine. I told them you’d go up and see them when you got back, and they were quite happy.’ She stacked the last of the toys on the shelves and straightened up. ‘So, is this pub thing on tomorrow night, or don’t you know yet?’
He got to his feet and busied himself straightening the pile of books on the shelf. Not that they needed it.
‘Yes, it is, if that’s all right? I was about to ask you. I need to leave just before eight, but I’ll make sure they’re in bed by then, and I won’t be late.’
What was it about mothers? She added another book to his pile, tilted her head on one side, frowned and said, ‘Matthew, look at me,’ in that voice she’d used since he was about three and she’d caught him raiding the chocolate biscuits.
He gave an inward sigh and met her eyes, wondering what she’d see. Too much, probably.
Definitely. ‘You are allowed a life, darling,’ she said softly after a long, long moment. ‘I really don’t mind babysitting so you can go and have fun. And if you like, I’ll have them for a sleepover. They haven’t been for a few weeks, and Amber was asking about it yesterday. Then you wouldn’t need to worry about getting back early, or even at all,’ she added, her voice laden with meaning.
He felt his eyes fill for no very good reason, and looked away again. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, I’m sure. I take it this is Oliver Henderson’s daughter?’
How had she known that? Except of course she knew they’d been on the team-building thing together, and he’d taken her to the party. Not to mention babysitting so he could have that sneaky little coffee in her garden—their first date, if you could call it that. Blindingly obvious, really, and he should have realised she’d guess. Unless Ed had been shooting his mouth off...
He nodded. ‘Yes. Yes, it is.’ He sighed and dragged a hand through his hair and turned back to face her again, the whole situation suddenly overwhelming him. ‘I don’t know where it’s going, and I know it’s too soon, but—Mum, she’s had breast cancer—’
‘Breast cancer?’ she echoed, shocked, and he nodded.
‘Yes, I know, and she’s only twenty-nine now, and she’s so matter-of-fact, and so positive and proactive and just—just so brave. It’s heartbreaking listening to her, because she brushes it aside and says it’s fine, but you know it’s not fine, she was so young, and—’
He broke off, and his mother took his arm gently. ‘Oh, darling. Are you sure it’s wise getting involved with her?’
He gave a huff of laughter without a shred of humour because it was so unfunny.
‘What, because she might die, too? It’s highly unlikely, she says they got it all and she should know, but in any case I can’t live my life thinking like that even if it wasn’t all right. We all have to die at some point, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be happy in the meantime. And there’s something about her that makes me happy, and I haven’t been happy for two years, Mum. And I want to be, even if it’s foolish, even if I’m setting myself up for heartbreak all over again, because I just want to be with her. I need to be with her, and I think she needs to be with me, at least for now, and if I can make her happy, too, then that’s all I can ask.’
She studied him thoughtfully. ‘That sounds as if you’re thinking long-term.’
‘It does, doesn’t it?’ he murmured, examining that thought. ‘I don’t know. Maybe I am. I just know I want to be with her. I haven’t got any further than that yet, but I wouldn’t be surprised.’
‘And where do the children fit into all this?’
He stared at her, a hollow feeling in his chest. ‘I don’t know. It’s a good question and one I keep asking myself, but I can’t answer it right now because I honestly don’t have a clue, because I really wasn’t expecting to feel like this so I’m totally unprepared for it and I don’t know what to do. I have to protect the children, I know that, but what about her? Doesn’t she deserve to be happy? Don’t I? And I don’t know where it’s going, I just know she means a lot to me and I can’t walk away.’
‘Oh, Matthew...’
Her arms went round him, and he hugged her close, his eyes tightly shut, because she of all people knew what might lie ahead. She’d nursed his father till he’d died of cancer, supported him through the chemo, the tests, the new chemo, another one, the palliative operations, the endless cycle of hope and despair, and then she’d buried him, heartbroken and yet relieved that finally his pain was over.
So she knew exactly what might lie ahead for him if it all went wrong, and for the children, and he felt her body shudder as he held her. And then she pushed him away, cupped his head in her hands and kissed his cheek, her eyes brimming with tears.
‘You’re a brave man, Matthew. You remind me so much of your father. That’s exactly what he’d say.’
Then she let him go, sniffed hard and straightened her shoulders and headed for the kitchen. ‘I’ve made a chicken and bacon salad for you. It’s in the fridge, and there’s some olive ciabatta to go with it, and we went to the farm shop and picked some raspberries. They’re in the fridge, too. So, shall I pick the children up at five thirty tomorrow in time for supper?’
* * *
Livvy spent the rest of her hectic Friday night shift dealing with abusive drunks and silly kids who’d overindulged, and then a girl of fifteen was brought in in a state of collapse after taking something at a party, and Livvy was the first to see her.
She immediately called James Slater, their clinical lead, and she was relieved when she heard the door swish open behind her.
‘OK, what have we got?’ he asked.
‘This is Kelly, she’s fifteen, she’s got rigid muscles, shallow breathing, heart rate’s one-sixty, she was aggressive and incoherent on admission, and then she had a tonic/clonic seizure, started foaming at the mouth and lapsed into unconsciousness. She’s taken something at a party, but nobody would say what.’
‘Looks to me like ecstasy—MDMA,’ James Slater said tightly. ‘Right, let’s get on this. Bloods, please. Let’s find out what’s going on. Have you given her anything?’
‘
IV diazepam. Why do they do it?’ Livvy muttered, but it was a rhetorical question and, anyway, nobody had time to answer her.
He rattled off a list of tests he wanted done while Livvy got another IV line in, and he nodded.
‘Good. Right, let’s get some normal saline into her, please, and let’s get these clothes off and cool her down before we lose her. And can someone talk to her friends, please, and find out for sure what she’s taken? What’s her temperature?’
‘Forty point one.’
‘Right, she’s got malignant hyperthermia—’
‘She’s taken a cocktail,’ Jenny said, coming back in. ‘MDMA, something else, nobody knows what, all washed down with vodka, and then she’s drunk lots and lots of water because someone told her to.’
‘Damn. She’s got dilutional hyponatraemia as well. Right, let’s catheterise her quick, and get her on IV frusemide and try and shift this. And we need to alert PICU, she’s going to have to go up there if we don’t want to lose her.’
* * *
They didn’t lose her, although it got worryingly close at one point, and finally she was shipped off to PICU for intensive care and Livvy went to talk to her parents before going home an hour late.
She crawled into bed, checked her phone and found a text from Matt.
Can we make it six tomorrow? Kids are having sleepover with my sainted mother. :)
She felt a quiver of anticipation, her exhaustion forgotten, and replied.
Sorry, vile shift, just got this but six is fine. Looking forward to it. How did you talk her into it?! x
He didn’t reply, but then she didn’t expect him to, not at gone midnight, but it pinged into her phone at seven the next morning.
She offered—disturbingly! It seems mothers have second sight. I’ll see you in eleven hours. M x
Her whole body fizzing with anticipation, she spent the morning in the garden weeding, then cleaned the house, changed the sheets on her bed and went shopping for breakfast items and a few other things. Just in case...
A Single Dad to Heal Her Heart Page 10