She got to her feet, brushing the little bits of grass off her dress and slipping her feet back into her shoes. ‘It’s time I was going. I’ve got stuff to do before tomorrow, and I’m on an early shift. Thank you for a lovely day. It’s been really nice to meet you.’
Annie stood up and hugged her. ‘You, too. And anytime you fancy a coffee or a chat, just come and find me. I’m always around. Maybe you and Matt could come for a meal one evening. Or we could get my mother to babysit and come to you and bring the food. That might be better. I know Matt feels guilty for relying on his mother, and I’ve got the T-shirt for that one, too, so—whatever, talk to him and come up with a date.’
‘But I—’
‘Come up with a date for what?’
Matt’s arm settled round her shoulders, easing her up against his side as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Did he love her? Really?
‘I’ve invited you both for a meal,’ Annie was saying. ‘Whenever you like. Are you giving Livvy a lift home? You can leave the children here, if you like.’
He met her eyes, his thoughtful. ‘I was going to suggest you come back with us. The kids could do with a shower to get the sand off, but then Amber’s desperate to talk dresses with you. I think she’d like to show you her wardrobe, but I can take you home if you’d rather.’
It was the Amber thing that did it.
Not the warmth of his body against hers, the tender look, the open invitation in his eyes.
Just Amber, a little girl who didn’t have a mummy any more.
She’d made her a promise, and she couldn’t back out now, even if she did feel a sudden and almost overwhelming urge to escape from all the cosy domesticity and get her defences back in place.
‘OK. Just for a little while, then. I can always walk home, it’s not far.’
CHAPTER NINE
THE ‘LITTLE WHILE’ stretched on into the evening, ending with them sitting on the balcony outside his bedroom, sipping ice-cold fizzy water and staring out over the sea.
‘Good day?’ he asked softly, and she nodded.
‘Lovely day,’ she said, and it had been, even if it had left an ache of longing in its wake.
‘Amber’s so excited about you taking her shopping. Are you sure you can cope with it?’
That made her chuckle. ‘She’s not quite five, Matt. I think we’ll be fine. And she’s absolutely right, her favourite dress is very beautiful.’
‘It’s a bit too beautiful, really. She can’t wear it nearly as often as she’d like to. If you could find something a bit more practical but just as lovely, then she could get more use out of it.’
‘I’ll see what we can find. And I’ll make sure it’s got room for growth.’
‘Oh, yes, please, so we don’t have to do this again for years!’ he said with a laugh.
‘I can’t promise years, Matt, that’s unrealistic, but I’ll do my best. Annie suggested a little boutique down by the prom. I’ll track it down and have a look before I take her.’
He shifted round and studied her thoughtfully. ‘You’re taking this very seriously.’
‘Of course I am. A pretty dress is a serious thing, Matt,’ she said lightly. ‘Ask your daughter.’
His lips twitched. ‘No, thank you. I’m in enough trouble for my inability to understand as it is. Frankly, you’re welcome to the job.’ He reached out and took her hand, touching it to his lips, his voice suddenly serious. ‘Thank you for today. I’m sure you had much better things to do than hang out with a bunch of rowdy children.’
‘No, I didn’t,’ she said honestly, because how could she lie to him? There was nothing she’d needed to do, nothing that wouldn’t wait. Well, her laundry, but that was a perennial problem and one she could deal with when she got home.
His grip on her hand tightened in a gentle squeeze. ‘It’s getting chilly out here. Let’s go and lie on the bed,’ he murmured.
‘We can’t!’
He smiled. ‘Yeah, we can. We can still see the sea, and it’s just a bit more private.’
She didn’t want to. Not really, not under the eyes of Jules, watching from the top of the chest of drawers, but they went back inside and it wasn’t there.
‘It’s gone,’ she said, staring at the space where it had been, and Matt nodded.
‘Yes. It’s in the playroom, on the wall. I decided Amber needed to see it more than I did, and I’d stopped talking to it—to her. I used to tell her everything, ask her how to cope with stuff, and I realised I’ve stopped doing that now, because if I want to talk to someone, I talk to you. There’ll always be a bit of me that belongs to her, but it’s getting smaller every day, and there’s another bit of me that I didn’t even know existed that you seem to have claimed. I don’t know quite how it happened, or when, but it has.’
His smile was tender, and he drew her into his arms and kissed her, just a simple, gentle kiss that made her eyes well with tears.
They lay down, and she snuggled into his side and lay staring out through the huge wall of glass, her eyes unfocused, her thoughts tracking back to last night and her fears.
‘Will you tell me something honestly?’ she said quietly.
‘Yes, of course I will. What is it?’
‘You don’t think I’m only interested in you because you’ve got children, do you?’
For a moment he didn’t speak and her heart nearly stopped, but then he sighed softly and pressed his lips to her hair.
‘No. No, I don’t. It did cross my mind for a moment last night, but then I thought about it, and it’s just not you. You’re much too considerate of others, much too thoughtful and caring—so, no, I don’t think you want me for my children, because you’re not a user. And besides, I practically had to drag you down to the beach to meet them, so if anything I was more worried that you didn’t want them, but then when I saw you with Amber I stopped worrying about it.’
She shrugged. ‘How could I not want them? They’re lovely children. They’re a real credit to you.’
He gave a soft laugh. ‘I can’t take any credit for that. It’s been a joint effort, we’ve all muddled through somehow, and I’m just happy we seem to have come out of it as well as we have. And this cuts both ways, you know. You could be thinking that the only interest I have in you is that my children would benefit hugely from having a mother, because they would, of course. And I know they’ve got my mother and Juliet’s sister, but it’s not the same.’
‘No. No, I don’t suppose it is, and I’m sure you’re right, they would benefit from a mother figure, but it won’t be me.’
‘Why won’t it?’
His question was softly voiced, reaching down into the heart of her pain. She turned her head and met his eyes, sure he’d see the sadness that must be lurking in hers.
‘It’s too soon for you, and anyway I’m not a good choice, Matt. You should find someone else.’
‘Maybe I don’t want someone else. Maybe I want you.’
‘No, you don’t, you just want company. And besides, I still haven’t been signed off by the oncology team and the breast surgeon.’
‘Stop worrying about your cancer. It was stage I, and it’s unlikely to come back, and even if it does, they can do far more for cancer now, and new advances are being made every day. And anyway, I take it you’re still having regular screening?’
‘Yes, and I will do for a while, I guess. I’ve got a mammogram in a week and a bit, and then hopefully the oncology team will sign me off and I’ll be done, apart from the yearly mammograms, but there’s still the joy of another five years of tamoxifen, just to be on the safe side, so even if I decided then that I wanted children, I probably couldn’t have them because I’d been on it too long, so you’ll never be able to have any more with me, and you might want to, so you should be with someone who can give them to you. You’
re a natural father—’
‘Why would I need more children? I’m more than happy with my two. If I had none, I’d still want you. It’s not about the children. It’s about us. And you still haven’t answered my question.’
‘What question?’
‘Do you think I’m only interested in you as a mother for my children?’
She stared at him, a little stunned because it had never occurred to her. ‘No. No, of course not! I think you’re lonely, and we’re attracted to each other and I fill a void in your life.’
‘You do more than that for me. Much more.’
‘No,’ she said, her voice gentle but firm. ‘No, Matt, I don’t, and I can’t.’
She looked away, unable to hold his intense gaze. ‘I need to go home. It’s getting dark.’
She climbed off the bed and he followed her, his bare feet silent as they went down the stairs.
‘Let me call you a taxi. I don’t like the idea of you walking home alone.’
‘Matt, I’ll be fine.’
‘Yes, you will, because you’re going in a taxi.’ He pulled out his phone and ordered one, then turned her gently into his arms.
‘You mean so much more to me than just filling a void, Livvy,’ he said softly. ‘Much, much more. I—’
She pressed a finger to his lips and broke away before he could say any more, needing to get away from him because she needed him so much, wanted what he was dangling in front of her so badly that it was a physical ache, and she was sure his next words would have been ‘I love you’. And that she really, really didn’t want to hear. Not now, with her five-year check hanging over her.
‘I’ll wait outside for the taxi,’ she said, pulling the door open and stepping out, her sandals in her hand, bag over her shoulder, and he sighed and followed her, sitting beside her on the garden wall as they waited for the taxi to come.
‘Olivia, don’t shut me out.’
‘I’m not,’ she lied. ‘I just don’t want to be any more than that to you. I don’t want it to get any deeper, I don’t want any expectations or promises or talk of the future. I can’t deal with it. One day at a time, Matt. That’s all. That’s all it can ever be.’
He didn’t say anything, but she could feel the tension coming off him in waves, and she heaved a silent sigh of relief when the taxi drew up.
He leant through the window, gave the taxi driver her address and paid him before he had a chance to stop her, and then closed the door behind her, his hand lifted in a silent farewell.
As the taxi pulled away, she’d never felt so lonely in her life...
* * *
Why? Why was she shutting him out?
He felt an ache in the centre of his chest, an ache he hadn’t felt for two years.
Stupid. She hadn’t died, she’d just told him she didn’t want him as much as he’d hoped, as much as he wanted her. But it didn’t add up. None of it added up. She was backing away from him, and at the same time she’d promised Amber she’d help her choose a dress, and she’d spent ages with her, delving through her clothes. He’d heard them talking and laughing in her bedroom, and when he’d looked in they’d been sitting on the floor in a pile of clothes, sorting through them, and they were both smiling.
Why do that? Why lead Amber on if she didn’t want to be part of their lives? Why lead him on?
Except she hadn’t, and he’d all but dragged her to the beach today. She hadn’t wanted to go, and now Amber was looking starry-eyed and it was all going to end in tears.
He swore, silently and viciously, and for the first time in ages he opened a bottle of wine, poured himself a hefty glass and went into the playroom.
Jules was looking down at him, her smile ripping a hole in his heart, and he walked out, went up to his bedroom and was instantly surrounded by Livvy, her scent lingering in the air.
He went out onto the balcony and sat down, just to get away from the reminders of the woman who’d said she didn’t want him.
No. She hadn’t said that. She’d said she didn’t want to talk about the future. She wanted to take it one day at a time.
That’s all it can ever be.
Could he do that? Take it literally one day at a time, never looking ahead, never allowing himself to dream?
He gave a hollow laugh, because it was so far from what he wanted that it was almost funny.
Didn’t really have a choice, though, did he, not the way she’d left it? But that was fine. One day at a time, he’d woo her, show her how good it could be, tell her without words how much he loved her, and hopefully he’d win her round, convince her that it would be OK, that there were no certainties in life and you couldn’t live in a vacuum just waiting for the axe to fall, you had to get on with it and grab life while you had the chance.
And Amber? Should he let Livvy take her shopping, or should he protect his vulnerable little daughter from any further potential hurt? It was OK for him to take the risk, but his daughter? A tiny part of him, instantly crushed, thought that she would make a brilliant secret weapon, a way to break down Livvy’s defences and let them all into her heart, but that was unfair on Amber, unfair on Livvy and so morally corrupt it sickened him that he’d even thought it.
His eyes prickled, and he tipped the wine over the balcony, went back into the bedroom and lay down, resting his head against the stack of pillows where they’d talked about the future that they’d never have.
Well, he’d see about that. It would be tough, but he’d do it. He’d done tough, he understood it, and one thing he wasn’t was a quitter.
One day at a time...
She got up at the crack of dawn on Monday morning for her early shift, had a brisk shower and gave herself an even brisker talking-to.
She’d cried half the night, and her eyes were puffy, the whites reddened, and she looked like death warmed up.
She couldn’t even blame it on the heat, because it had been cooler overnight, but she could hide it with make-up. Not enough to make it obvious, just enough to take the edge off, and she’d caught the sun so hopefully that would help, too.
Apparently not. Sam took one look at her and raised an eyebrow.
‘Heavy night?’
‘Ha-ha,’ she said. ‘I didn’t sleep well. So, what’s the plan?’
‘You’re in Resus with me. A car’s gone off the road and the driver’s impaled on some fencing. If they get him in, we’ll need Matt down here, so he’s on standby and we’ve alerted the blood bank. In the meantime, there’s a patient who was brought in earlier with a drug overdose who needs monitoring. We’re waiting for a bed for him. Otherwise it’s quiet.’
‘OK,’ she said, although it was far from OK because Matt was the last person she wanted to see and for once she wished she hadn’t been put in Resus. A nice little day in cubicles would have suited her fine.
In the event, Matt didn’t come down, because the man impaled on fencing died at the scene from massive blood loss, so she was spared the ordeal of being professional when all she really wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and cry her eyes out and tell him she’d lied, she did want him, she wanted him desperately.
No! Stop it!
Somehow she got through the day, and she only had another hour till the end of her shift when the PA burst into life. ‘Adult trauma call, ten minutes.’
Please, not soft-tissue injuries.
It was, of course. She went to Resus, and Sam briefed the team.
‘OK, this is a woman in her thirties, she’s fallen out of an upstairs window through the glass roof of a lean-to greenhouse, so multiple injuries and blood loss. She was stabilised at the scene, but we’re going to need X-rays to trace all the glass, possibly a CT scan if we can get her stable enough, and she’s going to need a lot of soft-tissue work, so I’ve alerted Matt Hunter, he’s on his way down now, and I’ve got the blood bank on st
andby and we may need to involve Plastics, too.
‘But number one, nobody pull out any glass unless it’s obviously very superficial, because we don’t want her suddenly bleeding out, and you all need to double-glove and be very careful of the glass splinters. She could be covered in them.’
He went through the team, allocating tasks, and then the paramedics wheeled her in and did the handover.
‘This is Sarah Field, thirty-two years old, fallen through a window and landed on her right side on a glass roof and through it onto greenhouse staging. GCS fourteen at the scene, now fifteen, BP one ten over sixty-five, sats ninety-eight per cent...’
She tried to concentrate, but at the front of her mind was Matt, arriving any moment now.
How would he be with her? Distant? Wary?
Professional. Of course he was. He didn’t look at her, just at the patient, most particularly her right arm, which was covered with a large pressure dressing.
She was lying on her left side, the least damaged side, and he went round and introduced himself to her, scanning her body quickly as he did so before lifting the dressing off her arm where the glass had sliced a huge flap of skin and muscle almost off.
‘l need to take this first, is that OK?’ he asked, and Sam nodded.
‘We’ll work our way round the rest,’ Sam said, and looked up at her. ‘Livvy, can you take her head and face, please?’
Which put her right next to Matt. Tough. She ignored him, and bent over so the woman could see her.
‘Hello, Sarah, my name is Olivia, I’m a doctor. Is it OK if I have a look at your face? There are some little bits of glass that I can lift out, and we need to clean off the some of the little splinters that are on the surface and then we can get a better look at you.’
‘OK,’ she said weakly, and Livvy started work, carefully lifting away all the visible glass fragments. A nurse was doing the same thing on her neck and shoulder, another working through her hair with a very fine comb, and her clothes were carefully cut away to expose multiple small lacerations.
‘There’s a flap here on her scalp,’ the nurse said, and Livvy leant over at the same time as Matt, and their heads brushed.
A Single Dad to Heal Her Heart Page 14