by Hannah Ford
* * *
The next morning, Raven woke up and made herself a cup of coffee in the Keurig coffee maker that was sitting on the counter in the kitchen. She went to the breakfast nook and sat and drank her coffee, feeling cozy and happy to be in her new home as she gazed out the windows and over the harbor.
Everything was feeling bright and new and full of possibility.
Raven pulled out her cell and opened up Twitter.
Don’t do it, Raven. Don’t torture yourself.
But she wanted to know. Had Jake changed the passwords on his social media? She tried to log into Jake’s twitter account and the login failed. Then she tried his Facebook and Instagram accounts.
The result was the same for all of them. She’d been locked out.
Raven knew she shouldn’t be surprised or wounded, but somehow she’d hoped that Jake would have given a sign that he did in fact trust her and wasn’t shutting her out of his life completely. Of course, even if she had been able to access his accounts, she wouldn’t have done anything.
Maybe look through his messages though—see if he’s talking to any new lady friends?
She didn’t think so, and anyway, it was irrelevant. Jake Novak had locked her out of his life, paid her off to disappear and stop inconveniencing him with her presence.
He bought me off.
Raven hated how it ate away at her. Moments before, she’d been happy and content, sitting at the table and drinking coffee. Now she was desperately sad, lonely and rejected, wishing that she could talk to Jake and get some reassurance that he didn’t want to be rid of her forever.
He does want to be rid of you forever, Raven. Otherwise he would’ve told you to stay with him in New York, not rented you an apartment hundreds of miles away from him.
She began searching online for news of Jake, and immediately dozens of articles popped up. Raven scanned the headlines, her eyes widening as she read them.
Jake Novak Resumes Tour Amidst Bullying Scandal
Anti-Bullying Group Lobbies for Boycott of Jake Novak Tour
Pop Idol Jake Novak Sitting Down with Oprah To Beg Fans’ Forgiveness
Jake “The Snake” Tries to Slither His way Back Into Fans’ Good Graces
Novak Tells Fans “I’m Okay, You’re Okay!” Tour’s A Go, Despite Public Backlash
It seemed (from what Raven could gather from all the news) that Jake had decided to resume his tour. He’d refunded Boston fans for the missed dates, and was picking up the tour for one night in Boston before heading off to continue the rest of the tour on schedule.
Her skin prickled at the thought of Jake being back in Boston, if even for just one night. She wanted to go to the arena and see him, but knew that it was impossible.
He’s gone. Try and pretend he never even existed. Eventually, maybe you’ll even start to believe it.
Raven took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and prayed for strength. And she knew she would need it, because the second her eyes were closed, she saw him. She saw Jake as vividly as if he was right in front of her. He was shirtless, his chest glistening, stomach tight, abdominal muscles flexed. He was looking at her with those hypnotic brown eyes and a sly grin appeared.
That grin said you’ll never get over me. You’ll never find another man who can make you feel the way I make you feel, never find another man with my charisma, charm, wit, intelligence. You’ll always remember the time we spent together, and wonder what might have been.
Raven opened her eyes. She needed to get out of the apartment and do something productive.
The gym. She had a free membership to the gym.
Raven immediately went and changed into her workout clothes and then left the apartment with a purpose. The plan was simple. Exercise until she was so exhausted and wrung out that she would be unable to even think straight.
It was strange to be able to just take her elevator downstairs and be at the gym within less than three or four minutes of leaving the apartment. She’d never even been able to afford a gym membership in the past.
And now, here she was, with all the rich and fancy members of this particular club. The women all had tight butts and perky breasts, and the men had expensive haircuts.
The machines were all state-of-the-art, but Raven didn’t need to get on some crazy contraption. She hopped on a treadmill and started at a quick jog. As soon as she was warmed up a little bit, she upped the speed so that she had to run at a reasonably fast tempo.
The goal here was straightforward. Run until she couldn’t move a muscle, until all she could do was beg to get off the machine.
Hopefully, by the time that happened, she’d be sufficiently wiped out and her brain would stop torturing her with thoughts of Jake, images of Jake, the incessant chatter that told her she couldn’t live life without him.
After about ten minutes, Raven was already sweating. She stared straight ahead, not bothering to watch the TVs—she didn’t want to lose focus, or risk seeing something to do with Jake Novak.
Her legs pumped harder, and her breathing grew deeper and more labored. This pace was much faster than anything she was used to, but Raven didn’t care. The harder the better.
She increased the speed of the treadmill and her legs automatically adjusted, but now it was as though she was sprinting.
Sweat had begun to drip down her forehead, arms, back.
Everything was aching, burning, straining. Her lungs gasped for air, but Raven didn’t give a damn. There would be no mercy until all thoughts of Jake had been cleanly expunged, squashed by the effort she was making.
In the end, breathing would be such a relief that she would be grateful just to not feel like she was going to pass out.
Twenty minutes ticked by. She was running at her very top speed, her arms swinging fiercely, eyes locked in on the back of the girl’s head who was on a stationary bike in front of her.
Run. Run. Run.
Stop thinking.
Still, Jake Novak was in her mind, watching her. He was shaking his head at the silliness of Raven on the treadmill, running herself half to death.
What are you scared of? He asked her. What are you running away from?
I’m scared that I’ve really lost you. I don’t think I can take it.
You can’t lose something you never really had.
She ratcheted up the speed on the treadmill yet again. Now she was unable to truly keep up with the speed of the belt, and her feet were slipping now and then. Her breath came in giant heaving gasps.
Sweat was pouring down her face, spattering the treadmill screen, and she watched the clock, which said she’d been running for 28:17.
Run until thirty minutes is up, she told herself.
At this speed, Raven didn’t feel like she could even go another twenty seconds. She was completely spent, and couldn’t seem to get enough oxygen to fuel her body.
She was hot and dizzy and her heart was racing.
But she pushed on, imagining Jake telling Kurt how big a mistake he’d made in trusting Raven, and how glad Jake was to have gotten rid of her.
Kurt would laugh and slap Jake’s shoulder. He would tell him that there were plenty of fish in the sea, and Jake would nod his head in agreement.
Tears were now mingling in with the sweat pouring down her face, but the clock hit thirty minutes, and she dropped the speed down to a walking pace.
For the next couple of minutes, she had to hold the bar on the machine as her legs could barely even support her anymore.
She’d managed to completely tire out her body, but the plan hadn’t really worked. Even in her near catatonic state, she couldn’t stop thinking about Jake Novak and wondering where he was and what he was doing.
* * *
Later that day, Skylar called and told Raven that she was scheduled for her first chemotherapy appointment at Boston Memorial Hospital in Boston.
“I’ll be there,” Raven told her. “What time?”
“I’m supposed to go to the Cancer Cente
r tomorrow at ten in the morning. You really don’t have to come, Raven.”
“Skylar,” Raven told her, “I’m going to be there with you every single step of the way. And I don’t want to hear another word about it.”
There was a long pause. “I’ll see you there in the morning.”
Raven smiled and said goodbye.
After she got off the phone with Skylar, Raven grabbed a yogurt from the refrigerator and began eating it. The phone rang again, and she assumed Skylar was calling her back to tell Raven something she’d forgotten to mention.
But when she picked up the cell, Raven noticed the number wasn’t one she recognized. A sharp thrill of fear ran through her belly as she debated what to do.
Finally, she answered, her heart racing.
“Hello?” she asked, her voice hesitant. Hoping against hope, she wondered if somehow Jake might be calling her from a new phone number.
“Hey, is this Raven?” the familiar voice said, and instantly she knew it wasn’t Jake.
But the voice was so familiar because she’d heard it on dozens and dozens of phone calls in her past.
That same voice had once made her smile with joy, but now it only turned her stomach.
Caleb had somehow gotten her phone number. She felt physically ill upon hearing his voice. “I don’t have anything to say to you, Caleb,” she told him.
“Please, don’t hang up,” he said, his voice anxious. “Please, Raven.”
She gripped the phone tightly. “Why shouldn’t I hang up?”
“I know I deserve it. You have every right to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Caleb. I just want you to leave me alone.”
“Listen, Raven. I think you and I need to talk about everything that happened.”
“Why? What is there to say?”
“A lot,” Caleb replied. “Please. We never spoke after everything came out back in high school. You never gave me a chance.”
Raven laughed. “When I brought Jake Novak to the bar, you and Andre said all the same lies and then somehow that old video gets leaked again. Nothing ever changes with you, Caleb. There’s no reason to give you another chance.”
“I’m not friends with Andre anymore.”
“I don’t really care.”
“Raven, I am so sorry. I was such a coward and there’s not a day that goes by, I don’t regret what happened back then.”
“Well I don’t think about it anymore, and I definitely don’t waste my time thinking about you,” she said, and it came out meaner than she intended.
There was a long silence. “I understand,” he said softly.
Raven hated the fact that she was now feeling guilty for hurting Caleb, after the way he’d treated her. But she was also starting to wonder if maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive him. After all, it was only hurting her to be so angry about things that had happened years ago.
“I don’t want to hold a grudge,” Raven said, relaxing a little bit. “But I’m not sure what else there is to say. What happened, happened. It’s over and done with, and I’m moving on in my life.”
“Maybe if we had a chance to speak in person,” Caleb said, “I could say a few things and then let it all go.”
“In person?” she said.
“I’m actually not far from you,” Caleb said. “You’re in Boston, right?”
“How did you know that?”
“Your mother gave me your cell number and said you lived in Boston now.”
Raven sighed and closed her eyes. She didn’t see how anything good could come from seeing Caleb in person, but then again, she didn’t have much to lose either. “Okay,” she said, giving in to his persistence. “Maybe we could meet for coffee sometime.”
“How about tonight? In like twenty minutes?”
She was just sitting there, confused. “Caleb, are you driving into Boston right now?”
“As we speak,” he laughed. “I’m not far. Tell me your address and I’ll swing by.”
“I’m not giving you my address,” she said. “But I’ll meet you at Starbucks.”
“Perfect.”
There was one on the corner, not five minutes from the towers, so she told him to meet her there in twenty minutes, and then got off the phone.
Afterwards, she sat and stared, as if in a daze. After all of this time, and all the pain he’d caused her, Caleb wanted forgiveness, wanted to talk and get closure.
Did she even want to forgive him for his past mistakes?
Maybe not, maybe it was easier to keep hating him. He’d sounded so nice, so Caleb-like on the cell phone, his voice light and friendly. It made her remember that once upon a time he had seemed to be kind and generous and loving.
She’d believed in his feelings for her, she’d actually thought he loved her.
And then he’d showed that video to Andre and allowed Andre to say all of those terrible lies about her. Caleb had never stood up and defended her, he’d silently stood by while Andre tore apart her reputation.
Finally, Raven snapped out of her daze and went to the bathroom to freshen up before meeting him at Starbucks.
She had nothing to prove, but small part of her still wanted to show Caleb that she’d done just fine despite his abandoning her when she’d needed him most. She’d gotten over him and thrived, despite it all.
By the time she was heading out to Starbucks, Raven was feeling almost chipper. Maybe this could be the start of a new beginning for her. She had a wonderful apartment in Boston (thanks to Jake) and plenty of money (thanks again to Jake).
For the first time in a long time, she could sit back and take a breath without worrying how she was going to survive.
There was nothing bad happening, really.
Well, other than the fact that you can’t stop thinking about Jake Novak and wishing you were still with him.
But that needed to be put to rest, also. Raven walked into the coffee shop with her head held high, determined to be proud and confident. All of those men had tried to bring her down and they’d all failed.
She was still strong and she was still standing.
Raven ordered an iced coffee with sugar free vanilla syrup and whole milk. A few minutes later she was sitting with her cold drink and sipping out of the straw, watching as people came in and out of Starbucks and trying to decide what their lives might be like.
Some people looked stoic, others stressed, still others were laughing and joking or completely caught up in texting on their phones. It was enjoyable to just sit and observe, to feel safe and warm and relaxed enough to make up stories about them.
Raven realized that ever since the scandal four years ago, she’d been completely consumed with trying to prove her worth, trying to show everyone that she wasn’t a loser, a slut, a liar or a whore.
She’d also been trying to make ends meet in an expensive area of Massachusetts, with no high school or college degree, and it had taken a toll on her.
Now she finally had enough space and freedom to take stock of things.
You owe all of this newfound freedom to Jake.
But Raven didn’t want to think about Jake—it was all still too raw and painful. Instead, she sipped her drink and refocused on the people around her, smiling a little as she watched the lives playing out in real time, feeling somehow removed and apart, yet also comfortingly included in the human race.
When Caleb first walked through the door, Raven was surprised to find that she was glad to see him.
He was wearing a light blue sweater, jeans, and Converse sneakers. He had those thick, black-rimmed glasses on that used to be considered nerdy but were now the height of hipster fashion. His hair was mussed, but he did look handsome, there was no denying it.
Caleb’s just a boy compared to Jake.
It was true, there was still something young and immature in the way he carried himself, the way he smiled bashfully when they finally made eye contact. “Hey,” Caleb said. He had a messenger bag slung over his s
houlder.
“Hey,” she replied. “You made it.”
“I did,” he said, slipping off his bag and hanging it over the chair across from her. “I’m going to grab myself a coffee. You want anything?”
“No.” She shook her head.
“You sure? You’re not hungry?”
“No,” she said again, trying to be assertive in her decision, even as she realized that her stomach did feel kind of empty. But she wasn’t willing to let Caleb buy her something—she didn’t want to feel like he’d done her any favors.
Caleb shrugged, and strolled over to the line at the register, whistling a faint tune as he went.
Raven didn’t want to watch Caleb as he ordered at the register. Looking at him for too long gave her a strange feeling of déjà vu, recalling times when they’d gone to the mall together or for a slice of pizza back in high school.
It was all too strange, like she’d jumped into a time machine and accidentally travelled back to when she was seventeen.
He returned to the table not long after, and dropped a package of chocolate graham crackers on the table in front of her. She looked at him as he sat down opposite her, grinning, holding an iced coffee as if to show her how alike they still were.
“I told you I wasn’t hungry,” she said, but couldn’t help the fact that she was glad he’d bought it for her. She opened the plastic wrapper and slid out a cookie, biting into it and tasting sweet dark chocolate.
“Yeah, but I remembered how much you love chocolate.”
Raven chewed on her graham cracker, took a sip of coffee. “Okay, Caleb. What did you want to say to me?”
“Wow, you get right to the point.”
“Yeah,” she said. “I didn’t come here to chat and pretend we’re old friends catching up. You told me you wanted some kind of closure.” She sat and waited for his reply.
Caleb brushed his bangs away from his face. She noticed he had the tiniest lines starting around the corners of his eyes and mouth, and it was disconcerting. It was as if she was suddenly able to see him as he was now, rather than superimposing the Caleb she remembered on top of him.