“Come down here, Howie.” The same female voice was calling me.
“I’m sorry, Janie, if that’s who you are. I didn’t mean to kill you. You’ve got to believe me. I didn’t mean to drive…”
“That doesn’t matter, Howie. You would have killed someone eventually with that monstrous relic of yours. It’s not so much what you did, Howie, it’s who you are.”
“What? Who I am? Who am I?” I asked.
“You’re a murderer, Howie. You’re a murderer.”
“It was an accident, Janie. I didn’t mean to kill you. It was an accident. Don’t you understand? I’m not a murderer. I’m a good person,” I pleaded.
“It doesn’t matter, Howie. You killed me. You killed my father, too. He’s dead now without me. He died some when a drunk killed my mother. He finished dying when you killed me.”
“What, I don’t understand?”
“Come down here and I’ll help you to understand. My father and I will help you understand. Come down, Howard.”
“No, I can’t. I don’t want to.” My eyes were beginning to water. I was going to cry.
“Too much of a coward to admit that you are a murderer?”
“No, Janie. I’m not a murderer. I’m not.”
Out of the darkness, a headless woman emerged on the top step. She was holding in her hands a mass of blood and hair. It looked like it might have been a head at one time. Now, it was a bloody lump with gray matter oozing out of its ears, loose teeth scraping against one another. It sounded like the lump was breathing.
The crooked cavity of teeth started to talk to me. “See what you did to me, Howie?” it gurgled. “See what you did to me?” She held her head up to within an inch of my nose and splattered gore from her mouth on my cheeks as she talked.
“You’re a murderer, Howie. A selfish gutless fucking murderer! YOU WILL DIE!”
The final scream made me jerk my head back from the spittle. I awoke when I hit the floor after falling backward in my desk chair.
“This has got to stop,” I said to myself when I realized that I was lying on the floor of my den.
After I had gotten up and gone out to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, the first thing I did was check the answering machine. It wasn’t blinking, but it also wasn’t working. I didn’t try to figure out why, I just went upstairs and got into the tub and ran hot water over my body with the spray attachment. When the tub was full, I soaked for an hour.
~
The rest of Thursday went by without much commotion. I spent the better part of the afternoon gathering together the camping equipment. Donna had another engagement for lunch, some work thing, so she didn’t come home. I was hoping she would, so I could feel less jumpy, but eventually I calmed down.
Throughout the afternoon, I kept seeing movements out of the corner of my eyes, but every time I looked in the direction of the movement, there was nothing. It was probably just a lack of sleep that was causing it. At least, I hoped that was what it was. That morning’s dream seemed so real, once again, that I didn’t know anymore whether I was imagining things or living them. Half the time, I couldn’t figure out if I was awake or sleeping. My dreams seemed real and real life seemed like a dream. Not until the kids got home from school and they both hugged me was I absolutely sure that I was fully awake.
I asked Kate about the answering machine and she told me that Mom had unplugged it because it was making strange noises and it started to smoke when they were having breakfast.
“Really? Was there a message on it?” I asked her.
“No, Dad. Why?”
“Oh, no matter.” Kate must have had a good day because she was acting a bit more like herself than she had the past few days.
“Have you decided if you are going camping with us or not?” I asked.
“You know, Dad. I really don’t want to because I’m 16 and I don’t think I like camping anymore.” My heart sank. “But I will this one last time, okay, because Mom told me how much it means to you and she also told me about needing some alone time. Besides, who would pass up an opportunity to miss school for no good reason?”
“That’s great, Kate!” I approached her, gave her another hug, and planted a kiss on top of her head. “It does mean a lot to me and we are going to have a great time, right, Brand?”
“Sure, Dad. If I get to fish, I always have a great time.”
“I’m sure there’ll be time for that. Oh crap, Kate, I forgot to call the school.” I turned to get the phone.
“Don’t worry, Dad, it’s all taken care of. Mom called the principal today for you. I guess she knows how much your Alzheimer’s has increased lately,” she said and laughed.
I returned the laugh and said, "You better take that back, or you better be a faster runner than you were the last time I chased you because you’re going to get it."
“No, don’t. Brandon, come on. Help me,” she said as they both ran up the stairs and I followed them about half way. I heard the door to Kate’s room close and decided that I’d let them fret for a second and casually walk the rest of the way up the stairs.
“You can’t hide from me, kiddies. Come out and play. I won’t hurt you,” I said using my scary man voice which was mostly silly, but the kids loved it.
~
Brandon was a happy accident as accidents go. He was a pill baby. The child who comes, who isn’t supposed to, because your wife is on birth control, but it is somewhat your fault, because you were too chicken to let your doctor cut your ball sack with a knife.
Either way, I wouldn’t have traded Brandon for the world. I mostly think it was fate that brought him to us. I didn’t want children before we had Kate, and I didn’t want any more after we had Kate, but I felt so much more blessed to have a son and a daughter. My life was fuller. Of course it was.
Brandon was a great kid. Smarter than he let on. Smarter than his grades showed. Funnier to himself than the rest of the world, but that showed me that he was happy.
He also knew me too well. Which was good, I suppose. But not always.
He kept me honest, and he kept me on my toes. What more could I have asked for, besides a great little buddy to do all those things fathers are blessed to do with their sons?
16
I spent another restless - albeit dreamless - night, before Brandon came into our room and shook me at 4:30 in the morning.
“Dad, are you still sleeping? Is it time to get up yet?” Brandon asked. He was always the first one up on holidays, and the first day of a camping trip. Anytime he could expect presents or excitement. Otherwise, he was the last one up. And even though Kate was sleeping longer and longer the more she ventured into her teenage years, Brandon would out-sleep her almost every day.
“I’m awake, bud. Why don’t you go downstairs and push the button on the coffee maker and I’ll be right down.” He turned and began to run out of the room.
“Hey.”
Brandon stopped short, “Yeah, Dad?”
“Don’t wake up your sister just yet though, ’kay? Let her sleep a little longer.”
“All right, Dad, hurry down,” he said, as he turned to continue his flight downstairs.
~
In the kitchen, the coffee was almost done and Brandon took it upon himself to get the pancake mix out and started to make some batter.
“We’re having pancakes, Brand?” I asked.
“Yup, and bacon.” He licked his lips.
“Sounds good to me.” I licked mine, too.
“You guys up already?” a sleepy voice belonging to Kate asked from the doorway.
“Yeah, honey. Brandon is going to make us pancakes and bacon, and we are going to…”
“Wait, Dad, you know I’m not very good at flipping pancakes,” Brandon interrupted.
“I know, Brandon, I was just kidding. Maybe Kate would like to make them.” I winked at Kate.
“Sure, Dad. Brandon can help me,” she said, and smiled.
“Fantabulous. I’ll just go
back up to bed and…”
“Oh, no you don’t,” they said simultaneously.
~
That was how our camping trip started. Happy and smiling. We all knew that we were going to have fun because we always had fun when the three of us were together. Little did we know at the time that it was not going to end up that way, though. Not by a long shot.
~
With the car packed, and breakfast eaten, we all kissed Donna goodbye and piled into her Montero. The truck used to be our camping vehicle, but we were all satisfied with Donna’s Mitsubishi this time. It had plenty of room, and that’s all we cared about. I think the kids liked it better, anyway.
The morning was brisk but it promised to be a warm afternoon. Hardly a cloud in the sky. The weekend forecast showed a chance a rain on Sunday, but if the morning looked bad on Sunday, we’d pack up and come down early instead of in the afternoon, as we’d planned.
A couple cups of coffee and a good breakfast woke me up some, but I could really feel the sleepless nights starting to take their toll. I brought a pint of Seagram’s with me to help me sleep on the camping trip. A little seven and seven should keep the dreams at bay, I’d hoped. The last time I drank alcohol before bed, I also took a sleeping pill and had those awful realistic nightmares. I figured that a few highballs might just do the trick. And, besides, the mountain air, and some hiking, always made me sleep well.
We were just entering the Gallatin National Forest when Kate and Brandon got bored of the selection of DVDs in the Montero and started to get restless. Kate had taken her iPod out and was singing along with a Lady Gaga song, and Brandon and I patiently tried to live with it. I noticed that Brandon was less patient than me. I reached over the seat back and tapped Kate.
She looked up and said, “Yeah, Dad?”
“How about we put in one of the Billy Joel CDs that we used to sing with when you guys were younger, then we can all sing the same stuff, wouldn’t that be more fun than torturing us with Lady Gaga?” I smiled at her in the rear view mirror.
“Geez, Dad, if you didn’t like my singing, you could have just asked me to stop,” she replied, dejected.
“I didn’t say that I didn’t like your singing, Kate; I said that I didn’t like Lady Gaga.”
“Whatever,” she replied, and turned toward the window.
“Kate, don’t be mad, I just thought it might be fun for all if we sang the same song.”
She ignored me. She might have been mad. In fact, she most likely was, but she also had stopped singing.
I winked at Brandon in the rear view and he winked back.
We drove in silence for a while. The gentle motion of the SUV as it went through the switchbacks, and the lack of engine noise made me realize that I hadn’t had enough coffee that morning. My lids started to feel heavy and I started to do the things that kept me awake. I opened the window for some fresh air. I tried to shake the sleepiness out of my head. I got some gum out of the console between the seats and began to chew a piece. Yet, I felt the sleep starting to win. Both Kate and Brandon were looking out of the window, so they didn’t notice anything unusual.
We came to a straight part of the road and I closed my eyes for a moment. It felt so good to feel the vibration of the road in the quiet interior of the SUV and turn my thoughts inward, that I didn’t realize that I had nodded off until the rumble strip alerted me that I was leaving the roadway. I opened my eyes and jerked the wheel to the left.
The kids screamed.
The SUV corrected off the rumble strip and started heading in the direction of the cliff on the left side. I jerked the wheel to the right and the SUV overcorrected and spun the back wheels out from under us. The SUV came to an abrupt stop in the middle of the road.
“Oh my God!” Kate screamed.
Brandon echoed with, “Daaaad!”
I took a deep breath, tried to alleviate the adrenaline coursing through my body and said, “It’s okay kids. I’m all right,” as I turned the key in the ignition and started the SUV. “Are you guys all right?” I asked as I put the SUV into gear and drove to the shoulder of the other side of the road and stopped.
I turned around to look at Kate and asked, “Kate, how do you feel about driving?”
She replied, “I don’t think I can.” Her face was red and a tear was running down her cheek.
“Sure, Kate, that’s okay, how about you, Brandon?” I tried to lighten the mood.
“Dad, you’re just kidding.”
“Yeah, I know. Sorry. How about we take a break and I’ll have some coffee, get out of the car and stretch, and wake myself up, ’kay?”
“Well, you sure aren’t going to be falling asleep anymore because I’m going to get in the front seat and watch you until we get to our campsite,” Kate preached.
“I still think we should take a break though, Kate. I need to calm down, if anything,” I replied.
“We’re staying in the car though, right, Kate?” Brandon looked at his sister for support.
“Yeah, okay, Brandon, but just let me move to the front.”
I got out of the car and went around to the hatch and found my thermos of coffee, poured myself a cup, and started to walk away from the car in the direction of the woods. I heard the kids begin to talk as I reached the edge of the woods and I walked about 30 feet into a trail-less dense forest until I slipped on something. I looked down and found shit on my shoe. I wasn’t sure what kind of shit it was, but it was nasty.
As I was wiping off of my shoe on the nearest tree I looked up and found five large scrapes on the trunk of the tree where a piece of bark was torn away. I pondered the situation for a moment before I realized that I was looking at a spot where a bear scraped the bark off to find insects.
“Must be a black bear,” I said to no one. “I better not tell the kids about this. We’ve never seen a bear while camping before. But then again, we’ve never camped this early in the year either,” I thought.
17
“Brandon, could you come over here and help me hold this tent pole while I put the other one in?” I asked. Brandon was hauling gear out of the Montero.
“Sure, Dad, just a sec,” he replied.
We made it to our favorite campsite without any more unplanned excitement. The spot was covered in sweet and luscious plants. Spring time was always the best time in the mountains. I could just feel the freshness to the air and the life surrounding me. We were a bit too early for the wildflowers, but everywhere I looked, I saw green.
We usually camped in a secluded spot I had found while fishing with Brandon. It was far enough off the road not to be seen by passing motorists, and close enough to the road that it was easy to get to in an emergency. It overlooked the Bison River from a rise of some 200 feet and I could easily see the beginning of the canyon from that spot. The canyon was sheer rock on both sides of it. In the early spring, the river was too full and fast to traverse down inside the canyon. You had to go around it or over it.
The surrounding forest was dense and difficult to pass through. The campsite was actually the remains of a miner’s cabin, complete with fresh spring water bubbling out of the ground about 50 feet down the slope. The cabin was demolished, but the floor and foundation remained. Built on a slope, it was raised in the back and it had a wood floor. There weren’t too many cabins of that period with a wood floor.
We camped about 50 feet up from the cabin where the ground was more level. It took us about an hour to unload the SUV and get situated with all our stuff.
Shortly after we had finished, we all gathered in the screen tent to make some lunch.
“What do you guys want to do after lunch?” I asked.
“Go fishing, Dad,” Brandon said, without as much as a thought.
I looked at Kate and asked, “What about you honey?”
“I don’t know, Dad. Can I just stay here in camp and read? I don’t really feel like fishing today.”
“Sure, I guess,” I replied. “It won’t be as much fun
without you, but if that is what you want to do. We won’t be gone so long, okay? Then later we can all drive to the lake and see how the fishing is there, how’s that sound?”
“Sure, Dad. Thanks.”
“Now, how about that lunch? I’m starved.”
~
Brandon and I left for fishing right after lunch. It was a little too early for fly fishing, so we rigged our fly poles with a skinny spinner and a worm. A little something that always seemed to work for us in the spring. When the two of us fished the river, we never fished the same spot, so depending on how quickly one of us got tired of the spot we were fishing, either Brandon or I could be downstream from the other.
Every so often, I’d hear Brandon yell out, “Got one.” And I would check with him the next time we crossed paths whether it was a keeper or a tosser. I’d do the same for him, but I usually didn’t yell out unless I knew it was a good sized one. I almost always caught more fish than he did, so I just figured I’d stack the tally a little in his favor by not admitting to everything I caught. We almost always had fun, but Brandon was such a competitor, I let him win most of the time.
I had just tossed my rig into the river slightly upstream from where I was standing, and let the line drift downstream when I heard Brandon shout, “Got one! I think it’s a big one, Dad!”
I smiled for a moment and was about to answer him when I heard him scream. The very sound a parent does not like to hear in the middle of nowhere.
I threw my pole down and ran downstream. About halfway to where the scream came from, I heard the noise of a bear grunting. A big bear, by the sound of it. I’d watched enough Discovery Channel to know what that sounded like.
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