by Marta Perry
“Something happened today while Mandy was at Nolie’s,” he said flatly.
“But Nolie said she was fine.” Laura’s mind skittered after possibilities and came up empty. “What went wrong?”
“Nothing went wrong,” he said quickly. “But Mandy told Nolie something that we feel you ought to know.”
His reluctance was so palpable that she knew it was something he thought would hurt her.
“Whatever it is, just tell me.” Her voice was tart. “Don’t dance around it.”
“Right.” He took a breath. “Okay, here it is. Mandy told Nolie that she’s afraid of the implant. She doesn’t want to get it.”
She could only stare at him. “But—that’s crazy. Nolie must have misunderstood her.”
“Nolie wouldn’t make a mistake like that. That’s what Mandy told her.”
She shook her head, unable to take it in. “But I’ve explained about the implant to Mandy. She knows she’ll be able to hear after she has the procedure. Why would she say something like that?”
“Maybe she doesn’t really understand what it means to be able to hear. Or maybe it’s the procedure that scares her. She’s only five.”
Her anger flared, penetrating the shock. “I know how old my daughter is. Do you think you understand her better than I do?”
“Of course not. Nolie doesn’t either. We just thought—”
“You thought you should interfere.”
Ryan seemed to absorb her anger, rather than bouncing it back against her.
“We thought you should know, Laura.” He looked at her gravely, all his usual easy charm submerged in his concern. “That’s all. We’re just trying to help.”
The kindness in his eyes deflated her. The brief anger fizzled away, to be replaced by despair.
Failure.
She took a choked breath. “She really feels that way?” It came out as a whisper.
“She doesn’t understand.” His voice was very gentle. “She needs reassurance. From you.”
From her mother, the one person who should have known what she was feeling. Am I that heedless a mother? It took a moment to realize who she was asking. Am I?
A tremor went through her. If she failed Mandy, nothing else that she did would be worth anything.
Help me. Please.
Ryan stood in the living room, unsure whether to stay or go. Laura had looked at him with that desperate, stricken expression, and then she’d spun around and hurried into Mandy’s room.
He’d hurt her. But how could he have handled the situation any differently? She’d needed to know the truth about Mandy’s feelings in order to deal with them.
Maybe she’d eventually be grateful to him, but he couldn’t quite convince himself of that. Most people weren’t grateful to those who brought them bad news, no matter how much they needed to hear it.
He wanted to leave. Actually moved toward the stairs, but something held him back.
Leave. Go. Run. That was how he dealt with anything emotional. He’d become an expert at evasion.
Mandy and Laura were different. He couldn’t go without knowing they were all right.
Laura had left the door to Mandy’s room open. Maybe on purpose, maybe because she’d been too distraught to think of closing it. Mandy was visible past the edge of the door. He could see Laura, hear her soft voice as she tucked the quilt around her daughter.
She sank down on the bed next to Mandy, her body curving as she leaned protectively over her child. Every line of her figure radiated maternal love, a force so strong that it would sweep anything from its path.
“Ryan says you’re worried about the implant, sweetheart.” Her hands moved slowly, as if they were reluctant to form the words. “Is that right?”
Mandy looked down at her hands, picking at the star design on the quilt. Then she nodded.
“Mandy, it’s okay to tell Mommy that.” Laura stroked Mandy’s dark curls. “I want to know when you’re worried or upset about something.”
Mandy looked up, and her fingers moved. I’m scared. He knew that sign.
Laura drew her closer. “It’s okay to be scared. Honest. Sometimes Mommy is scared of things, too.”
And Ryan?
The innocent words hit him right in the heart. Did he really matter that much to Mandy?
“Let’s ask him,” Laura said, her voice a little husky. “Ryan, will you come in?”
No running away now. He marched into the room, wondering why this should be more frightening than advancing into a fully involved structure.
He stood next to the twin bed, smiling down at the small figure. “I get scared, too, Mandy.”
Her hands moved in something he didn’t catch. He looked at Laura.
“She says you’re a firefighter. Firefighters don’t get scared.”
“Yes, we do. Honest. Especially when we have to do something we’ve never done before.”
“Is that what scares you?” Laura asked. “Going into the hospital when you haven’t ever done that before?”
Mandy nodded. I don’t want to.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were scared about it.” It probably took a lot of effort for Laura to keep her voice that even. “But it’s going to be okay, honest. When you go to the hospital, Mommy will go, too.”
And Ryan?
The least he could do was keep a smile on his face, even if his heart seemed to be doing something strange.
“I’ll come to the hospital to see you. I promise. I’ll even bring you a special firefighter teddy bear to keep you company.”
Mandy looked solemnly from him to Laura. She touched her ears and signed something he didn’t quite catch.
Laura’s eyes shone with tears. “I’ll love you if you hear or if you don’t hear. I loved you before you were born, and I’ll never stop loving you.”
Maybe that was what Mandy needed. She threw her arms around Laura’s neck. Laura folded her into a tight embrace, the tears spilling onto her cheeks.
He should leave them alone. But before he could take a step back, Mandy held her arms out to him.
He bent to receive her hug, feeling his throat tight with unshed tears. It was way too late to back out now.
Laura managed to wipe the remnants of tears away before she rejoined Ryan in the living room. He hadn’t left, and the relief she felt at that fact startled her. Did she really want to unload on him again? The poor man had probably had enough emotion for one night.
She pinned a smile on her face. The very least she owed him was her thanks. He’d done a difficult thing, telling her, knowing it would hurt her. So she’d thank him, and she’d let him go.
Ryan stood at the bookshelf, looking at the photos of Mandy that adorned its top. He turned at her step, a lock of dark hair falling onto his forehead at the movement. He brushed it back impatiently.
“Is she all right?”
“I think so. Thanks to you.” She tried to keep her smile steady. “I’m grateful, Ryan. To you and to Nolie. I know I didn’t make it easy for you to tell me.”
“It wasn’t easy to hear, I guess.” His gaze probed her face, as if he wondered how real her smile was.
“It certainly was the last result I expected from having Mandy stay at Nolie’s today.”
She moved closer, so she could see which photo he held. It was a recent one, taken the day Mandy had ridden the donkey at the farm. She and Ryan’s niece laughed at the camera, clutching the donkey’s neck.
“You shouldn’t think—” He stopped, as if not sure he should go on. “Well, sometimes it’s easier for kids to confide in someone they don’t know too well.”
“Instead of a parent.” She finished the thought for him. “I’d have said there was nothing Mandy wouldn’t tell me. I guess I was wrong.”
He put the photo down. “Laura, you’re a good mother. Don’t criticize yourself for something you couldn’t have foreseen.”
“I should have seen it. I should have been paying more attention.” She
felt the prickle of tears in her eyes and tried to blink them away. She would not break down in front of him. “I was so obsessed with my own plans for Mandy that I didn’t take the time to find out how she was feeling.”
“You were doing your best.” He turned, taking her shoulders in a firm, comforting grasp. “Nobody can do more than that.”
“I should have.”
His hands tightened. “You’re only one person, and you’ve been trying to do the work of six or seven.”
He was giving her an out, but she couldn’t take it.
“Mandy has to come first. She doesn’t have anyone but me. I have to be responsible.”
“You are.” He pulled her gently against him, as if a hug might convince her when words didn’t. “Stop beating yourself up over it, Laura. You’re a good mother. Once you knew what the problem was, you took care of it. Everything’s going to be all right.”
She’d like to believe that. Oh, how she’d like to believe it. With Ryan’s strong arms around her, she almost could.
She leaned against his chest, feeling the steady beating of his heart against her cheek. This was what was missing in her life—this sense that someone was in on the task with her, standing by her side, being strong when she was weak.
Ryan pressed a kiss against her temple. “Better?”
“Better.” She stepped back, out of the comfort of his arms. “I’m fine. Thank you, Ryan.”
“Any time.” But his easy smile was strained, an imitation of the real thing. “You have the right to make a mistake once in a while, Laura. Or to need someone to lean on for a moment.”
For a moment.
The phrase he’d used echoed in her mind. Was he trying to tell her something? That the moment was over?
She straightened her shoulders. “Single moms have to be independent. We don’t have a choice.”
It was a fine thing, being independent. Unfortunately it could also be a lonely thing.
“You’re a responsible kind of person. Everyone knows I’m not, but I certainly recognize the quality when I see it.”
Something sounded under the light words. It took a moment to register that he’d voiced a similar idea before, the day he’d talked about his father’s heart attack.
“What makes you say you’re not a responsible person? You certainly seem pretty responsible to me.”
He shrugged, turning away as if the subject made him uncomfortable. “I’ve always been reckless. Born that way, maybe. Or maybe I just picked it up, trying to keep up with my big brothers.”
“You’re not a little kid any longer. You don’t have to prove anything to them.”
“Maybe not, but old habits die hard.” His smile flickered. “Anyway, Mandy’s lucky she has someone like you, instead of someone like me.”
It took a moment, but she got it. Ryan was warning her off. They’d gotten too close, and he wanted her to realize he wasn’t the kind of guy for happily ever after.
Even as she returned his smile, she realized the warning had come too late. Much too late.
She’d fallen in love with Ryan, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.
Chapter Eleven
He shouldn’t be going to see Laura again. Ryan had left headquarters intending to get lunch, hopped in the car, and found himself driving down her street.
After the way he’d left things with her the night before, he ought to head in the opposite direction. He could stop by the station house to see whether there was a pot of chili on the stove. It would certainly cause him less heartburn than reflecting on his mistakes with Laura.
Laura had opened up to him. She’d let him into her life, into her daughter’s life, in a way he’d never expected. And he’d responded by warning her off.
Seth had been right all along. He shouldn’t get involved with Laura and Mandy unless he was in it for the long haul. The very thought terrified him. How did anyone do that—commit to another person emotionally for life? It was like jumping off the roof of a burning building.
No, it was worse. He wouldn’t be afraid of jumping off a roof. He was terrified by the thought of taking responsibility for the happiness of two other people.
He shouldn’t be driving down her street, pulling to a stop at the curb, but he had to be sure they were all right. After the pain he’d caused Laura the night before, he had to check on them.
And when he’d done that, he’d start backing his way slowly but surely out of their lives.
Mandy sat in a patch of sunshine on the sidewalk, drawing a picture with chalk, while Laura sat on the step, painting the wrought-iron railing of the stoop a shining black. They both looked up and smiled at his approach, and his heart clutched. Walking away wasn’t going to be easy.
“Hi, Mandy.” He squatted next to her, ruffling her dark curls. “That’s a really pretty picture.”
She’d drawn a house—a square with a peaked roof, a chimney, and smoke coming out. He remembered doing the same picture at that age. But where his had had the lengthy line-up of stick figures representing his parents and his siblings, hers had only a yellow puppy.
She nodded, carefully adding a bird to the sky.
He stood, dusting off his uniform pants, and met Laura’s eyes. “How is it going?” He nodded toward Mandy. “Any more worries last night?”
“Not at all. She slept fine and woke up happier than I’ve seen her in a while.”
“That’s good.” He couldn’t help taking the few steps to her. “I’m glad.”
“I owe it to you.” She tilted her head back, shading her eyes from the sunlight with a paint-daubed hand. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize something was bothering her.”
“You’re not going to start blaming yourself again, are you?”
She smiled ruefully. “I won’t. I promise. But thank you, Ryan.”
The words were simple, but the way she was looking at him wasn’t. It would take a better man than he was to walk away from a look like that.
Okay, time to regroup. Talk about something—anything—that wasn’t emotional.
“The railing looks great. You’re really down to the finishing touches on the house, aren’t you?”
She nodded, probably realizing what he was trying to do. “Everything’s shaping up the way I want it. The only frustrating thing is that the contractor still hasn’t come to take out that wall on the third floor. I must have called him twenty times. You’d think he’d come just so he’d stop hearing from me.”
“Sure you don’t want me to bring a couple of guys over from the station house to knock it down for you? Firefighters are pretty good at tearing down walls.”
Her lips twitched. “Thanks, but I find the thought of fire axes going after my wall a little scary.”
“Suit yourself, but we do nice work. All our clients say so.”
She probably didn’t want to feel obligated to anyone else, and he’d try to respect that. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to drop in on the contractor. He knew the guy slightly—maybe he could light a fire under him.
That wasn’t really taking on responsibility. And anyway, Laura need never know he’d interfered.
She frowned at the railing and touched up a spot with the glossy black. “At least the front of the house is looking good. I’m going to stop by the farmers’ market later and pick up some red geraniums to put in the window boxes.”
She’d obviously given a fresh coat of paint to the boxes on the tall narrow windows that flanked the front door. They gleamed with the same shining black as the railing.
“I have to hand it to you, Laura. I’d never have believed, a month ago, that this place could look so good.”
“It had better be looking good. I’ve heard from the woman who has an option to buy. She’s coming on Friday to look at it.”
She was smiling, so she obviously considered that good news.
“That’s great.” He tried to respond in kind. “You think you’re going to be ready?”
She nodded. “With
a little help from the contractor, I will be. I’ve told her about the damage to the back porch, so she won’t be shocked by that. I’m hoping she’ll visualize her business here so clearly that she’ll overlook any little flaws and we can go to contract.”
That meant she and Mandy would move out. With the house completed, she wouldn’t need any more help. And he wouldn’t have any reason to stop by.
That was as it should be. The fact that it left him feeling flat had no bearing on what he should do.
“She’ll love it.” His voice sounded falsely hearty, but maybe she didn’t notice. At a movement from the house next door, he glanced over Laura’s head. “Well, well. Look who’s coming.”
Actually, Brad Potter might not be coming to see Laura. There was a slight hesitation in his step when he saw them.
Then the moment was gone, and he came toward them smoothly. Everything about the man was smooth, from the expensive cut of his shirt to the smile he aimed at Laura.
“Laura, how nice to see you.” He reached out, as if to shake hands, and then took a quick step back from the wet paint.
Didn’t want to get his hands dirty. Well, that was okay, as long as he hadn’t come to cause Laura any more grief.
“How you doing, Brad? You don’t have any more lists hidden in your pocket, do you?” That came out a little more sarcastically than he’d intended.
Laura sent him a sharp warning look.
“No, nothing like that.” Brad’s smile was hearty. He was Mr. Congeniality today, it seemed. “Laura has certainly been one of the more cooperative homeowners we’ve ever had the pleasure of working with on a project.”
“If all goes well, I won’t be the homeowner much longer. You’ll have someone else to deal with.” Laura sounded as if she couldn’t keep her good news to herself.
Well, who was he to feel annoyed that she wanted to share the turn of events with Brad? She probably thought he’d be interested.
Which he seemed to be. He leaned toward Laura, heedless of the fresh paint. “You have a buyer already?”