“I am fine,” she insisted.
He moved across the carriage and grabbed her chin, angling it up so he could look in her eyes. He could see the pain in the way that she squinted up at him. Her eyes were bloodshot, as well they should be from the hours she spent crying last night. Derek knew what his attitude and refusal to touch her and hold her had done last night, but he couldn’t help it.
Derek wedged himself in the corner and pulled her into the cradle of his body. He felt Tessa holding herself stiffly, refusing to allow any weakness to show and rejecting the offer of his body as a cushion.
“It would be easier on you to allow yourself to relax against me.” She attempted to shift completely away from him, but he held on to her.
“Let go of me,” she fought against his hold. “You had no desire to hold me last night.”
“I couldn’t,” he replied, holding her tighter until he felt the tenseness slowly leave her.
“Why not?” She pressed softly. “Didn’t you realize how much I needed your comfort last night? How scared I am about what we are facing? You are used to danger, I am not. I needed this last night, not now,” she choked on the last words.
Even though her words cut him to the quick, he refused to let her go. If anything, he held her tighter, knowing at any moment she could fall apart. He bent down and whispered in her ear, even though they were the only two inside the carriage, “If I had allowed myself to touch you last night, I would have spirited you away right then, and no one would have been able to stop us. Not Gabe, not you, not even the King’s Navy.”
He watched her head bend low and felt a splash of wetness on his hand. “Please tell me you’re not crying again,” he begged.
“I’m not crying,” she warbled.
“You are a terrible liar,” he attempted to tease her, but instead she shifted in his arms, turning so that she could sit on his lap and hold him as close as he held her.
“I’m so scared, Derek.”
“So am I,” he rubbed her back gently. “But rest assured I will keep you as safe as Daniel in the lion’s den.” Her arms tightened subtly and he felt her body stiffen once more. He moved her back and witnessed her blank stare and gently placed her in the corner. He called her name repeated, chaffing her wrists, trying to bring her round.
She began trembling uncontrollably in his arms and jerked and whimpered almost as if she were seizing. He had watched men die, had almost died himself on several occasions, but never had he felt a fear like the one he did now at her unresponsiveness. How far away were they from the nearest inn?
He pulled Tessa’s stiff form against him once more, attempting to soothe her tremors. Derek rubbed her back, rocked her, and made cooing noises in her ear as if she were a frightened child.
“Lucas, where are we?” Derek yelled, while lifting a shade.
In a few moments, Lucas’ head bobbed upside down from the roof to peek in. “John Coachman says we should be in London in an hour, sir. What did you do to Lady Tessa?” he asked suspiciously.
“Nothing,” when he saw Lucas’ gaze sharpen accusingly, Derek defended himself by saying, “Lucas, I swear to you I did nothing to harm her. We were talking and she did this. And why are you hanging over the side of the carriage? If something happens to you Tessa will beat me.”
“It’s no worse than movin’ ‘bout the riggin’ on a ship.”
“Don’t tell her you did that. Now get up there and tell John Coachman not to spare the horses.”
“Aye, sir,” Lucas said smartly then disappeared from sight.
Derek felt Tessa’s moist breath on his ear as if she tried to form words. “Shhh,” he whispered in her ear.
“Danny, what have you done?” she queried before going limp in Derek’s arms. Her head lolled to the side and he saw her eyes had closed and silver tracks sparkled on her cheeks. But her words caught him solidly in the chest and he felt breathless at the possibilities of this new development.
* * *
“But rest assured I will keep you as safe as Daniel in the lion’s den.” Derek’s words echoed in her mind, causing an avalanche of memories. Funny how a simple reference to a Bible story unlocked memories trapped for weeks. She remembered everything, and very little of it had been good.
There had been looters searching the dead bodies for treasures only to run away when she screamed for help fearing an avenging angel hungered for their souls for disturbing the dead. A short time later, she found herself rescued by the enemy. They trussed her up like a holiday goose and threw her on the back of a horse. She lost track of how long they traveled. She only noticed that she smelled the salty air of the sea. Finally, her journey over, they delivered her to a falling down shack.
A man entered, tapping a horse whip against the palm of his hand. The Frenchman stood tall and had broad shoulders, narrow hips, and longish, curly hair that framed an aristocratic face. The only thing that kept him from being described as beautiful was a long scar crossing his face from left to right. The man proudly introduced himself as Junot and sought information about England’s stance against Bonaparte.
When she was unable to tell him anything, he ordered her tied across a table with her hands and feet tied to the pedestal so she could not move. Only then did he mete out punishment using a whip on her back followed by a bucket of saltwater poured in the open, bleeding wounds. He knew everything about her and her father. He continually said the word spy when talking about her father and Derek, but when she had no information to impart, he would start once again with the whip.
Tessa remembered refusing to cry or scream until after he and his men left her alone. Only then did she allow the tears to fall, but never did she utter a sound. Later that night, after two more visits from the French leader, the door opened and Tessa prepared herself for more torture only to miraculously see Danny, her childhood friend and her father’s secretary.
She heard him utter an oath that she had only heard once before along the docks of England before boarding the boat to sail to Portugal. “Contessa, I’m here,” he announced.
“Danny, is that truly you? How did you survive? How did you find me?”
“Enough time for those answers later. We have to get you out of here before they come back.”
“Who is he?”
“A bastard not to be trusted,” she heard him say, but the words didn’t register over the needles of pain shooting up her arms and legs as he untied the ropes. Once he freed her, he grabbed her hand and pulled her up, “Come, we have to go now.” She took a step and collapsed at his feet, her legs unable to cooperate with what she wanted them to do. He bent down and wrapped an arm around her back attempting to lift her. The pain overwhelmed her causing her to blackout.
The next time she came to, she found herself bouncing against his shoulder and back as he ran down the beach. They reached a small rowboat as shots rang out, the bullets landing harmlessly in the waves. Danny dropped her unceremoniously into the craft before pushing it further into the waves and jumping in to begin rowing swiftly for a ship on the horizon.
“Where are we going?” she asked attempting to rise up.
“Stay down,” he yelled, pulling hard and fast on the oars. Finally they reached the ship and she could see a flurry of activity going on to raise the sails. “You have to climb that netting, understand?”
“I can’t.”
“You can and you will or I swear by all that is holy, I will dump you into the sea myself,” he bullied, trying to penetrate the fog that engulfed her. She threw a mutinous look over her shoulder at him, but found herself crawling towards her chance at escape. After what seemed like hours, she made it to the rail and felt hands grabbing her back and shoulders to pull her over. A scream escaped her and she watched seasoned sailors cross themselves when they looked upon the raw meat of her back.
“Brutus, take her below and fetch Doc,” the captain bellowed. “Everyone else, raise the sails.”
“You, my friend, have made a very seriou
s enemy of Junot.”
“I imagine it will not be hard to win him back with the right enticement,” she heard Danny say just before the giant took her below.
The months after they returned to England passed slowly. Danny confirmed that her husband of not even a few hours had died along with her father. Except for Danny, she found herself truly alone, and she did not know how far to trust him anymore. She lived in a hovel and often found herself thinking prostitutes had better accommodations than she, except those she shared a room with. Every day proved to be repetitive, wake up, survive, go to bed. Until the fateful day that Danny hauled her through the dangerous passageways of the seedier side of London.
Once again she held onto his hand, hanging far above the ground. Papers flittered by her and she reached out to save them, only to feel the ring Derek had given her slipping from her finger. Refusing to lose the last connection to her dead husband, she fisted her hand, causing Danny to lose his grip. She felt herself falling, seemingly forever.
Tessa prepared herself for the hard landing, and instead came awake with a start. Sweat covered her body and she gasped for breath. She rose up on her elbows looking frantically around. Derek stood gripping the tall column of a footboard and she fell back in relief at seeing him. Her breathing still came sporadically, and she stared at the canopy afraid to close her eyes and what she might see. She felt the heavy weight of the signet ring on her finger, and fisted her hand to make certain it stayed there.
“Dr. McGregor is on his way.” Silence. “Did you hear me?”
“Yes. Where...” she started to ask, looking disoriented.
“The London house. You have been unconscious for quite a while.”
“I remember,” she announced refusing to look at him, but feeling the full force of his gaze nonetheless. “I remember every little detail, the good and the bad. Part of me wishes I could forget it all again. Insane isn’t it, desperately trying to remember one moment and now wishing to forget.” Derek said nothing. She turned her head to look at him and recognized the wariness in his eyes, the look of hurt and perhaps a touch of anger. “What...” she started to ask, only to have her question cut off by a knock at the bedroom door.
Derek walked over to the door and opened it for the rotund Scottish doctor. “Thank you for coming so quickly. She believes her memory has returned. I will go downstairs and leave you to your examination,” he nodded briskly at the man and never turned back to look at his wife.
Just as he reached the base of the stairs, someone beat loudly and impatiently on the front door. Derek didn’t see the use of waiting for a servant and answered it himself. On the other side of the door, Hawkescliffe stood looking as unruffled as ever.
“The boy said it was urgent.”
“So it is,” Derek said, leading the way to the study. “It seems my wife has fully recovered her memory. McGregor is with her now,” he walked over and poured himself a hefty drink and quickly tossed it back.
“And,” Gabe prompted.
“She called out another man’s name before she passed out in my arms.”
Chapter 24
“Derek, you know a man is involved.”
“Yes, I distinctly remember your getting some sort of perverse pleasure in telling me that.”
“Then what is the issue?” Hawkescliffe asked, ignoring the sarcastic verbal attack.
“The problem is that as long as she didn’t remember, I could ignore there being another man in her life. Now the knowledge as well as the name is there, mocking me, making me wonder what type of history the two of them have. What did they do while we were apart and she thought me dead? Did she...” he broke off unable to go on.
“Have connubial bliss with a man not her husband?” Gabe continued for him.
“Perhaps that is a conversation he should have with his wife rather than his best friend,” a purely feminine voice answered from the doorway, rancor dripped from every syllable. The men at least had the decency to look guilty as Tessa stood in the doorway, the blushing doctor standing by her side. How did a man the size of the doctor have the ability to move so agilely? “Your Grace, please let the director know that I have regained my memory and will gladly meet with him tomorrow and share everything that I know. Now, if you will be so good as to leave my husband and me alone, there are several issues that need to be addressed.”
“I will be on my way as well,” the doctor interjected. “If your headache continues, remember what I said, a lavender and mint compress and just a drop of laudanum in your tea to help you relax.” The man turned away and could be heard saying, “Or perhaps just a good venting of the spleen will do the trick.”
Gabriel stopped in front of Tessa and gained her attention. “He has had a bad time of it as well. Just remember that, Countess,” he implored before leaving. He gently pulled the door closed behind him.
Tessa found herself counting to ten and then twenty in an attempt to control her anger at the two men. She fisted and opened her hands on every count and instructed herself to breathe deeply. The longer she stood there, the angrier she became. How dare Gabriel tell her to basically consider his feelings?!
“I can’t do this right now,” she said, her head pounding. She flung the door open and it bounced off the wall. Tessa quickly moved up the stairs to her room.
Derek followed her up the stairs, reaching her door just in time to hear the lock being set. He moved to the connecting door between their rooms and found that locked as well. He began beating on the door, but it stayed firmly locked. Angry, and needing to expel energy, he lifted his booted foot and kicked at the handle once, twice, three times before the door splintered free and flew open. Derek saw her run across the room to the other door and went after her. He grabbed her around the waist, lifted her and carried her into his room.
Derek locked the door while she frantically kicked her legs and tried to pry his arm loose. He threw the key somewhere in her room then shifted the large, heavy wardrobe in front of the connecting door. Now the only means of escape would be the balcony, and if he had to bar that door, he would find a way as well.
“You want me to talk to you? You do not get to run away from the conversation.”
“It seems we have already had this conversation. I find your lack of trust in my morals extremely heartening,” she finished sarcastically.
“You thought me dead. What could possibly stop you from moving on?”
“Perhaps my feelings for one thing. I cared deeply for you, Derek. My relationship with Danny was akin to that of a brother and sister. He wanted more; he always had, but I did not. Do you understand what I am saying? If I had wanted Danny, I could have been with him years before I met you.”
“And who is this Danny?”
“Danny is Daniel. We were childhood playmates, and he became Papa’s secretary. He escorted me to Papa in Portugal. He did not travel with Papa for some reason, and I found him from his address on our last correspondence. If it weren’t for Danny and your director, we would have never met. I also suspect he is the traitor you are after.”
Derek felt his rage and hurt begin to deflate somewhat. He was giving great thought to what she said when she broke into his thoughts.
“Let me ask you something if I may,” she charged on, not waiting for his acquiescence. “Have you been with women before me?” Tessa watched his face turn red.
“This is not something a husband discusses with his wife.”
“Truly? So I shouldn’t feel anger that you have been with someone besides me? What about after my supposed death?”
“No,” he answered emphatically. “I remained in mourning.”
“How many people knew you were in mourning? How many women steered clear of you because they knew you were grieving over a dead wife? How many mamas did not throw their daughters into your path because you were too heartbroken after losing your wife? How many fathers denied their daughters and wives requests to discuss marriage because you were in mourning?”
“None,” he answered after clearing his throat.
“Tell me then why I should not be angry that you did not make it publicly known you were in mourning over a wife believed to be dead? You were still recovering from an injury, yet you attended balls, soirees, and dinner parties. And you can tell me all you want that you did it for Kala, but I know how little fun she had. Remember, she confides in me, something you do not always do. No, I suspect you were networking, making contacts for future assignments. Would I be right?”
“Yes, dammit,” Derek raised his voice in frustration. “I hate the ton and all it entails. You want to know what it felt like having women of all shapes, sizes, and marital statuses throw themselves at me simply because I had inherited a title with money and had a somewhat mysterious background? I felt like a whore must feel, waiting for the most lucrative offer. Yes, your memory had to remain a secret for the good of the country, more’s the pity. I would have loved to retire to the country while my body healed and mourned your loss.”
Tessa felt her heart crack at his words, but stiffened her spine. “I will say this one last time, and we will never discuss the subject again—I never betrayed your memory. I mourned you publicly as well as what might have been. I hate myself for taking Danny’s word and not searching for information about you myself. Perhaps if I had, none of this would have happened.
“Instead, I lived in a rat infested room that I shared with three other women. Of the four, I remained the only one who did not bring men to the room in order to make ends meet. I am no longer the naïve young woman you married in that Portuguese monastery. I spent the last months fighting to survive when at times I thought it would be so much easier to give up and join you and Papa in death.”
“Tessa,” he said, lifting a hand to caress her cheek.
“Do not pity me,” she said, taking a step away from him causing his hand to fall away. “I am proud of the woman I have become, even though I would not wish the way it happened to me on anyone. I have found out that I am a survivor and refuse to let Danny win this war. I will have my life back without having to look over my shoulder in fear for the rest of my life.”
A Traitorous Heart Page 21