Finding Absolution

by Carol Lynne

  “I can understand that. I’ve lived in the same house since I was eight. It was run-down then and probably even worse now. There’re things that should be done to it, but other than putting a new roof on and getting some new appliances, I can’t bring myself to make the needed changes,” Van confessed. “I guess I’m afraid of disrupting the home’s chi or something.” He smiled. “My dad’s been gone for over ten years, but there are parts of the house that still smell like him. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I’ll be busy doing something and walk down the hallway towards the bedroom, and it happens.”

  Jon glanced over and noticed Van’s eyes were closed, like he was remembering the scent of his father. “When my grandma cleaned out our house after my parents died, she took several boxes of stuff that she thought I’d want once I got older. There was a satin western-style shirt in there that my mom had made for Dad. It wasn’t for competing in or anything, just for ceremonies, dances and parades, that kind of stuff. I still remember how Mom’s eyes would light up every time Dad wore it. She’d tell him how handsome and sexy he was and that he’d better stick close to her when they went out. Even as young as I was, I noticed the way other women looked at him when he wore it, too.”

  “Is that why you wear the sexy underwear? Because it reminds you of your dad?” Van asked.

  Jon chuckled. “Kind of, I guess, but I don’t think of my dad when I wear them. That would be sick.” He shrugged. “I took that shirt with me when I went off to college. I didn’t dare wear it around here because I knew it’d only remind Grandma and Grandpa of my dad. But, once I was away, there was no stopping me. The night after I arrived at the university, my roommate asked if I wanted to go with him to check out a couple of the local bars. I agreed, even though I knew I wouldn’t find what I was looking for in a straight bar.” He chuckled again. “So, I put on my dad’s shirt, and I felt like the sexiest man in the world. That was until my roommate broke out into fits of laughter. He told me I couldn’t wear something so gay if I was going out with him.”

  Van reached over and put his hand on Jon’s thigh in silent support.

  Jon pulled in front of the produce stand. “After that, I decided I’d need to hide what made me feel sexy. I found my first pair of silk underwear online and have been wearing them ever since.”

  Jon turned off the engine. He and Van sat in silence for several moments. “I’ve never told anyone that story.”

  Van studied the gravel parking lot before leaning over to kiss Jon. “Thank you.” He kissed him again before pulling back. “For what it’s worth, I think they’re sexy, too.”

  Chapter Four

  After a pleasant dinner at a family-style fried chicken place, they were on their way back to the farm. Van wasn’t sure whether or not Bill liked him, but he sure enjoyed listening to Bill’s stories. The older man had definitely done a lot of living in his seventy-four years.

  “Did Jon tell you that his parents went to Hawaii on their honeymoon?” Bill asked.

  Van shook his head. “No.” He glanced at Jon. “Have you ever been?”

  Jon snorted. “Hardly. The farthest I’ve ever been is Washington.”

  “Maybe you should go this winter,” Bill suggested. “After the pumpkins are in, there’s not much to do until spring planting.”

  “Maybe someday,” Jon replied, parking next to the wheelchair ramp he’d built on the side of the house.

  Van knew Jon would never leave Bill long enough to fly to the islands, and, to be honest, he couldn’t blame him. He’d already decided to return to Wyoming like he’d promised. Oddly, he’d enjoyed labouring beside Jon despite the hot, dirty work. “I’ll be back next summer to help Jon with the hay,” he announced.

  Jon paused in the process of getting out of the truck. “Really?”

  Van nodded. “Is that okay?” He held his breath, hoping Jon felt the same way. It was the first time in his life that he’d grown to care for someone without sex coming into play. The feelings he had for Jon were pure in nature. It was a new experience and he found he quite liked the idea of learning even more about Jon before they had sex for the first time.

  “Yeah.” Jon smiled. “Anytime.”

  “Then it’s settled,” Van confirmed. He slid across the bench seat and exited through the driver’s side. Jon was in the process of lifting the wheelchair out of the truck bed. “You need help with that?”

  “I got it.” Jon set the heavy chair on the ground and unfolded it.

  “Are the two of you going to the rodeo again tonight?” Bill asked as he eased himself into the chair.

  Jon released the brakes on the wheelchair and pushed his grandfather up the ramp. “Probably,” he answered, “but I’d like to grab a quick shower first. Do you mind, Van?”

  “Not at all.” Van held the door open. He’d had no intention of going to the rodeo, but he would give Jon the choice of watching cowboys or sleeping with a surfer.

  “Are you tired or do you feel like watching TV?” Jon asked Bill.

  “Living room is fine,” Bill answered.

  Van sat in a recliner across a small end table from Bill.

  “I’ll just be a minute,” Jon said before disappearing up the stairs.

  “You like Criminal Minds?” Bill asked.

  “Sure.” Van didn’t watch much television, but he’d seen the show a time or two.

  “I’ve seen them all, but I’m too old to remember all the details, so it’s usually like watching them for the first time.” Bill turned down the volume. “Are you set on living in Oahu?”

  Van was surprised by the question. “It’s where my work is.”

  “Yeah, I guess a surfboard coach wouldn’t be in demand in Wyoming.” Bill pulled a white handkerchief out of his pocket and blew his nose.

  “No, I don’t think so,” Van agreed.

  Bill watched a few minutes of TV before speaking again. “If Jon’s situation ever changed, would you have room in your life for my grandson?”

  “I don’t plan on saying goodbye to Jon when I leave next week, if that’s what you’re asking.” Van had studied the tournament schedule that morning, trying to plan trips back to Wyoming. His feelings for Jon were still in the early stages, but they were real and that was more than Van had felt since he’d lost Blain.

  “Do you love him?” Bill asked.

  “Grandpa!” Jon yelled from the top of the stairs. He’d obviously been listening to at least part of their conversation.

  “It’s okay,” Van said, trying to prevent an argument. He looked at Bill and shook his head. “To answer your question, not yet, but I’m getting there.”

  Jon came down the steps with a towel wrapped around his waist. “Please stop,” he begged his grandpa. “You’re embarrassing me.”

  “I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention,” Bill replied. “I’ve waited a long time for you to find someone who makes you happy. I got carried away.”

  Jon placed his hands on either side of Bill’s face and leant forward to kiss the top of his head. “I love you, but no more asking Van personal questions. Okay?”

  “You’d better get some clothes on,” Bill ordered.

  “Sorry, Van. I’ll be right back.” Jon turned to go up the staircase.

  After Jon was out of sight, Van could tell Bill was uncomfortable. He decided to set the man’s mind at ease. “Jon’s lucky to have you.”

  “I’m the lucky one. I was selfish letting him come back here, but I needed him so much…” Bill cleared his throat. “It’s not about the farm. It’s about Jon and what he brings with him when he steps through that door every evening.” He looked over his shoulder, obviously making sure Jon was nowhere around. “You won’t find a better man.”

  Van nodded. “I’m beginning to see that.”

  * * * *

  The moment they were out of the house, Jon reached for Van’s hand. “Let’s skip the rodeo and go back to your room at the lodge.”

  “I rented a room at the Buck Wild,
so we can do both if you want.”

  “The Buck Wild?” Jon chuckled. “That’s a motel for hunters.”

  “I know it’s not as fancy as the Tall Pines, but it’s closer to you. That’s all I care about.” They reached the truck and Van opened the driver’s side door.

  Before climbing in, Jon pressed himself against Van. “I don’t care where the room is as long as we can be together.” Shielded from the house by the open door, Jon grew bolder. He reached down and palmed Van’s cock. “You drive.”

  Van groaned. “Get in.”

  Jon climbed in and slid over to make room for Van. “Do we need to go by the store?”

  Van started the truck. “Shit. No, but the supplies are in the Jeep.” He jumped out and jogged towards his vehicle.

  Jon lowered the zipper on his jeans just enough to give Van a peek at red satin and lace. Although lovers in the past had put up with Jon’s personal kink, they’d never embraced it like Van seemed to. Jon couldn’t wait to do more online shopping now that he had a particular person in mind to wear them for.

  Van jumped back in the truck and tossed a small drugstore bag on the floor. “Fuck,” he said, noticing Jon’s panties.

  “Touch me,” Jon begged.

  “Oh, I plan to, but let’s get more than ten yards from the house first.” Van put the pickup in reverse. He stole glances at Jon’s lap as he drove down the driveway. “Pull your jeans down.”

  Jon lifted his hips and pushed the denim to his ankles, fully exposing the low-rise briefs. His cock was already straining the delicate fabric and he wasn’t fully hard. “I might have to rethink wearing these around you.”

  Van stopped at the end of the long drive and put the truck in park. “Don’t you dare.” He rubbed the crown of Jon’s cock through the thin material until a large wet spot appeared. “Maybe we should go on to the lodge. These are too damn pretty for Buck Wild.”

  “I don’t think I can wait another forty-five minutes.” Jon unsnapped his shirt and spread it out, giving Van a better look.

  Van hissed as he continued to touch Jon’s leaking cock. “Hell, I don’t know that I can wait the five minutes it’ll take to get to the motel.”

  Jon scooted down in the seat and put his booted feet up on the dash. He directed Van’s touch to his hole. “I need you to fuck me.”

  Van’s middle finger pressed against Jon’s hole until it entered as far as the fabric would allow. He groaned and pulled back. “Motel,” he said, starting the engine.

  With his feet still on the dashboard, Jon decided to keep Van interested as they rode to the motel. He spat on his fingers before slipping his hand under the panties to finger his hole. “Mmm,” he moaned. “I’m ready for you.”

  Van stepped on the gas and adjusted his cock. “Let me see.”

  Jon repositioned until his knees rested on the seat with his head towards the passenger door. Ass in the air, he continued to fuck himself. “Is this what you want?”

  Van took one hand off the wheel. He brushed Jon’s hand aside and entered him with two fingers. “Just what I need, and more than I deserve.”

  * * * *

  “Naked,” Van ordered as he closed the motel room door and scrambled to get undressed. He kicked his shoes off and pushed his jeans down, exposing his cock. Unable to wait, he retrieved the sack from the floor and tore open the box of condoms.

  When Jon started to take his panties off, Van stayed his hands. “Leave them on.”

  Jon grinned before turning to brace his hands on the end of the bed. “Don’t rip them.”

  Sheathed, Van withdrew the bottle of lube from the sack and tossed it to land on the mattress. He knelt and began to kiss and touch the satin-covered cheeks of Jon’s ass. The soft fabric against his lips was so deliciously erotic that he wondered if he’d be able to control himself long enough to give Jon more than a quick hard fuck. “You’re the sexiest man I’ve ever known,” he mumbled between kisses.

  “I need you to fuck me,” Jon begged for the second time in less than thirty minutes.

  Van carefully pulled Jon’s panties down. “Where do you buy these?” he asked as Jon stepped out of the delicate underwear.

  “Online.” Jon chuckled. “There are some that are even sexier, but I’ve never had the nerve to buy them.”

  Van leant forward and swiped Jon’s stretched hole with his tongue before getting to his feet. He retrieved the bottle of lube and poured a generous amount into the palm of his hand. “Tell me the name of the site, and I will buy them for you.”

  “You don’t need to buy me things.” Jon’s hips rocked back and forth as Van lubed his hole.

  Holding the length of his cock, Van guided the head to Jon’s hole. “What I buy will be as much for me as for you.” He bent over and kissed Jon’s neck as he pushed inside an inch at a time. “I had a dream about you last night,” he whispered as he buried himself inside Jon.

  “What was it about?” Jon asked, baring his neck to Van’s lips.

  “We were on my beach, fucking in the hammock.” The dream was still so vivid in Van’s mind that he swore he could smell the salt of the Pacific.

  “Hmmm, that could prove tricky.”

  “You were astride me, riding my cock with the ocean breeze blowing your hair, and I remember thinking that you belonged with me, you belonged on the beach.” Despite the hard thrusts of his hips, Van’s lips sealed over Jon’s in a gentle kiss. The longer he fucked, the stronger his resolve to one day make his dream a reality. There had only been one other lover that he’d dreamt of spending his remaining years with, and he’d failed that man. He vowed to take better care of Jon.

  “I’m coming,” Jon warned, rubbing his cock against the mattress.

  Van rested his forehead between Jon’s shoulder blades. Before he returned to Oahu, he would have to make sure Guy would never again approach Jon for anything other than to utter an apology. He trailed more kisses on Jon’s neck as his balls drew tight. “Aloha au ia ’oe,” he whispered as he came.

  * * * *

  Wrapped in Van’s arms, Jon stared up at the stuffed deer head mounted over the bed. “Do you think hunters lie here at night and jack off to the sight of that thing?”

  “I have no idea what straight men jack off to.” Van kissed Jon’s temple. “What do you picture when you touch yourself?”

  “Now or before I met you?” Jon asked, his fingers raking the short hair on Van’s chest.

  Van chuckled. “That’s the answer I would’ve given.” He landed another kiss on Jon’s temple. “Okay. What thoughts got you excited enough to come before you met me?”

  Jon closed his eyes and recalled the hours of pleasuring himself over the years. Although he knew the conversation was supposed to be a pleasant one, the time had come for him to tell Van the truth. “My fantasies have changed. In the beginning, they were based on TV stars then men in town and recently…” He glanced at Van. “Guy was telling the truth when he said I threw myself at him. I only intended to watch him that night, but when he actually approached me, I thought I’d won the lottery or something.”

  Van pulled back enough to look Jon in the eyes. He brushed his thumb over the bruise on Jon’s face. “Is that why you refused to press charges?”

  “Guy was drunk, but I doubt he would’ve taken notice of me if he weren’t. I went with him to the hay barn knowing what we’d do. Yes, he was rougher than I thought he’d be, and at one point, I realised I was in way over my head with him, but he didn’t make me go to that barn.” Jon took a deep breath. He wouldn’t blame Van if he ran back to Oahu and never returned. “Have I ruined everything between us?”

  Van’s eyebrows drew together. “Why would you think that?”

  It was Jon’s turn to feel confused. “I just admitted that three days ago I was fantasising about another man.”

  “And three days ago, Blain was the only man I thought I’d ever love,” Van replied. “For years, I’ve been wrapped in the past. I didn’t come to Wyoming looking for
happiness. I came because it meant a lot to my friends. But being here with you has made me happier than I’ve been in years.”

  “Who’s Blain?” Jon asked. It was Van’s first mention of a specific lover. It was also the first time Jon had felt the threads of jealousy wind their way through his veins to wrap around his heart.

  “A reckless boy who came to ride the waves of the Hawaiian islands. Blain was cocky and gorgeous, but I saw a raw skill in him that I hadn’t seen before. I spent the next eight years teaching him everything I knew about surfing and fucking,” Van’s voice trailed off as he stared blindly up at the deer head.

  “What happened between the two of you?” Jon dared himself to ask.

  “Blain liked to drink. It turned out he also liked to fuck other men behind my back.” Van absently reached for Jon’s cock and began to fondle it as he spoke. “There was a big tournament on the island that he wanted to win, but by then his drinking had begun to affect his performance. I’d come up with a tricky, highly skilled move, but the longer we practised, the more certain I was Blain couldn’t do it, so I told him. We fought. He went out and got drunk. He showed up at the tournament still drunk. I tried to stop him from competing, but he fired me as his coach and told me he never wanted to see me again. He said he couldn’t be around someone who didn’t believe in him.”

  “And?” Jon prompted when it seemed Van wouldn’t go on.

  “He hit the reef and died right there in front of me and a thousand other people,” Van whispered. “A lot of people blamed me because he was my student, and they felt I’d coerced him to perform the trick.”

  “Do they still blame you?” Jon asked.

  “Some of them. They don’t say anything to me directly, but I can see it in their faces when Kai and I show up for a competition.”

  Jon had only one question left regarding Blain. “Are you still in love with him?”