by Luna, David
Braden froze, all the color washing from his face, a lead weight settling in his stomach. He wasn’t even aware that he’d failed to fully place the coffee carafe on the table. He wasn’t aware that it fell and shattered on the tiles of the kitchen floor, burning his legs. He had no idea that his guests had gone completely silent and then en masse started to converge on the kitchen to help him. All he could see and feel were Cade’s anguished eyes on his.
Cade got to him first, stopping just shy of physically shoving people out of the way in his haste to get to him. Once there, he began to murmur in soothing tones. Braden’s whole body was trembling and he remained unaware of anything else around him but Cade. “You were shot? How? When?”
“Fuck, baby, I didn’t want you to find out like this! Let me get you out of here, you’re surrounded by glass and hot coffee. I think your legs got burned.”
Cade tried to gather Braden in but he resisted, pushing back. “No! Tell me what happened. How did you get shot? You were with me in the hospital the whole time! When—”
Cade clasped Braden’s face in his hands, pulling his eyes up to meet his. “Please, let’s not have this conversation in the middle of this mess and in front of our guests. Can I help you to our bedroom where we can talk and Finn can look at your burns?”
Braden looked down at his coffee stained trousers. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, you’re burned and upset.”
“Zavier—”
“Braden, please let me take care of you right now. We’ll talk about my gunshot, but let’s take care of your burns. Please, baby.”
Braden finally nodded and Cade scooped him up. He did his best to navigate his way through the mess without toppling them on their collective asses and making more of a mess. He made his way through the well-meaning crowd and headed to their room.
Cade kicked their bedroom door shut and set Braden down on the bed. He got down on his knees and took off Braden’s shoes and socks, grateful that at least he’d had protection from burns and cuts on his feet. Braden’s hands clasped his face so softly Cade had to stop what he was doing and look into Braden’s eyes. “Please tell me you’re alright.”
“Baby, I’m fine. Please, let me take a look at your legs.”
“OK, but promise you’ll tell me everything.”
“I promise.”
Cade rolled up one pant leg and Braden hissed in pain as they both looked at the angry, red skin. Cade strode toward the door and opened it. His shoulders relaxed when he saw Finn coming down the hall with a bowl and several kitchen hand towels in his hands. “Hey, thanks. I was about to come get you.”
“Most likely just first degree burns, but let’s have a look. After I assured everyone I’d be checking on you, Nana suggested everyone take their leave so that you had some privacy. Get him some shorts, yeah? Braden, I’m gonna have you take your pants off and put some shorts on. Do you have any aloe for sunburns?”
Braden pointed toward his bathroom as he stood. “Yeah, under the sink, left side.”
Finn nodded and headed that way to give Braden some privacy. He found the aloe and a few other things he needed and returned to the bedroom. Braden was leaning back on some pillows, legs stretched out, bright red blotches of skin evident on both legs from knees to ankles. Finn lifted his legs and placed a bath towel under each leg. He went about treating the wounds using the kitchen towels and the bowl of cold water. “They’re gonna hurt like a bitch for a few hours, but the pain meds you’re already taking should help cut that down. Once the towels warm up, get them cold again. Keep doing that for no more than ten to fifteen minutes, pat dry, and put on the aloe liberally. Keep putting on the aloe for the next several days. You won’t blister, but you might peel like a sunburn. Nothing to worry about.”
Braden nodded and smiled. “Thanks for your help again, Finn. I’d like to stop needing any sort of medical attention for the next, oh, I don’t know, ten years.”
Finn laughed. “That’s quite a lofty goal. Good luck with that.” He looked at them both, regret etched across his face. “I’m so damned sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
Cade shook his head. “Don’t, Finn. It’s my fault. I meant to tell him, I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.”
Finn nodded but still looked upset that he’d inadvertently caused the mishap. “OK, I’m gonna head out. Braden, as I’ve said, I really want you to be resting over the next week or so. Nothing strenuous.”
“Sure thing, Doc.”
Finn left, and Braden turned again to face Cade. “Can I see it?”
“Braden…”
“Z, I need to see it to believe that you’re alright.”
Cade raised his shirt and Braden whimpered and reached out. He touched the still puckered and raw-looking scar. He pushed Cade to turn to find the exit wound. “That’s why you kept your shirt and boxers on when they finally allowed me to shower. I thought it was weird that you’d always get up and shower really early and then later, only help me in the shower, instead of washing with me.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to worry and get stressed out.”
Still touching Cade’s skin, he asked, “So it didn’t hurt anything inside? Why is the wound so big?”
Cade took a deep breath, while Braden sat cross-legged next to him. “It didn’t hurt anything inside. It went through muscle and right back out again. They had to clean it up inside because pieces of my shirt were inside the wound, but other than that, all they did was stitch me back together. The wound in the back is the exit wound, which is usually the bigger and uglier of the scars, but I tore open the front wound during your second surgery.”
Braden just stared up at him and didn’t say a word, so he felt obliged to continue. “You flat-lined. I wanted to get to you, to be with you if you passed. Gideon and Cooper wouldn’t let me go and apparently I didn’t like that. I honestly don’t remember anything after you flat-lined, until Cooper brought me back by listening to your heartbeat monitor. I ripped open the wound again during the struggle, and Finn had to sew me back together once you woke up.”
Braden’s heart beat wildly in his chest just thinking about what could have happened to Cade and then hearing about how Cade had lost it when he’d flat-lined made it all worse. Eric had taken so much from them. He wondered when it would stop. He wondered if he’d ever feel whole and at peace again.
Braden also worried if Cade’s reticence to tell him about the wound wasn’t so that he wouldn’t worry about him but was more about the fact that Cade thought he was weak now and couldn’t handle it. Could Braden even argue against that theory? Could he really convince himself, let alone Cade, that he wasn’t weak?
“Don’t.”
Braden looked up from his lap into Cade’s eyes, a question on his face. Cade took both of his hands in his. “Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re telling yourself, don’t. Pain is seeping from your pores, Braden. I can practically smell it. Whatever you’re telling yourself, it isn’t healthy. Talk to me instead. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
Braden had gotten pretty good at talking about things he didn’t want to talk about. He was now rather adept at ignoring his internal alarms when someone, namely Gabe, sometimes Cade, asked him to share his thoughts and feelings and everything in him told him not to do it. He’d realized after the first couple sessions with Gabe that if he was truly going to get anywhere with the therapy, he needed to flay himself open and trust in Gabe’s ability to help put him back together, and Cade’s ability to love him through it all.
Now Cade was asking that of him and he couldn’t deny him, so he gathered his courage. “I’m wondering when Eric’s hold on me will end. He’s dead! He’s fucking dead and he’s still got a chokehold on me. I want this fucking PTSD bullshit done, over with. I feel so stupid. I thought… God, I thought since he was dead that all of a sudden I’d be all better. I don’t feel all better. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t like the idea that you thought I was too weak to know y
ou got shot.”
“Braden…”
“Please, let me finish.”
Cade kept Braden’s hands in his, even though he longed to pull him into his arms, onto his lap. Braden was shaking with emotion, as if his whole world was going to shatter and him along with it. Cade wouldn’t be able to hold back much longer, but he acquiesced, regardless. “OK, baby.”
“We haven’t talked much about what happened once you found out I was gone. I think I need to know. I want to tell you what happened, too. I can handle it. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but I can handle it. If I know you’re going to tell me something that I’m not going to like, I won’t lose my shit, because I’ll be expecting it. I just, I want to be someone you’re proud of. You’re so fucking brave, so fucking strong. Nothing scares you. I can’t compete with that, I wouldn’t even try, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to trust that I can handle myself.”
Cade sat expressionless and waited. Finally, Braden smiled sadly. “I’m done. You can talk now.”
“Lie down for me.”
“What?”
Cade raised his brows and gave him a patient smile. “Lie down for me, please.”
Braden frowned but complied by lying across the bed. No sooner had he stretched out than Cade was on top of him, gently covering him with his much bigger body. He let Braden feel most of his weight and he braced his elbows on either side of Braden’s head so that he could look down into Braden’s eyes. Cade leaned down and kissed Braden’s forehead, his chin, his cheeks, his nose and finally his lips. There was nothing sexual about his actions, this was all about getting Braden back into a better mindset, a calmer, less stressful headspace.
Cade noticed that immediately the shivers that had wracked Braden’s body just moments ago were dissipating. He felt Braden’s breathing slow down and then adapt itself to his. He placed a finger on the pulse in his neck long enough to decipher that his heartbeat was slowing as well. He’d wanted to test his theory for a while now, but hadn’t felt the timing was right. Cade had noticed, ever since their big date, that Braden would attune his body to his own.
When feeling scared or in need of comfort, Braden would seek Cade out. Sometimes a touch would be all Braden would need to feel reassured, sometimes it was a hug or some whispered words, freely given. Cade had watched this phenomenon recur repeatedly and knew that there was something in him that would calm Braden before he could get worked up into a panic attack.
He felt a moment of regret that he’d been unable to head the most recent attack off at the pass, but at the same time, Braden must have had these feelings for some time. Perhaps this attack was the breakthrough he needed. Cade’s job now was to reassure Braden, to convince him that what he was worrying about was completely unfounded.
“Do you remember what Gabe said to you about PTSD and the length of time people have it? He told you that on average, people that have PTSD are usually affected by the symptoms for three to five years.”
Braden released a sigh. “But I thought—”
Cade shook his head, silencing Braden. “Some are affected for more time, some less. Some get better faster with therapy or a combination of therapy and drugs. You’ve chosen to forgo the drugs, and I can’t blame you a bit, but it’s the PTSD symptoms that are affecting you. Don’t give Eric the power by saying he has you in a chokehold.”
“That’s what it feels like.”
“You’re in a healthy relationship. You’re working out. You’ve got your career and you’re socializing. If you were in a chokehold and couldn’t cope with anything, you wouldn’t be doing any of those things. And don’t call yourself stupid for hoping that when Eric died you’d be fine. You were in a constant state of stress, waiting for him to attack.”
Braden nodded, a tear sliding out of his eye toward his hairline. Cade kissed it away.
“I talked to Cooper and Gideon tonight. They told me what happened when you flat-lined. I absolutely lost my fucking mind in there, Braden. I still can’t remember it, even after they walked me through it. I fought them both, with all I had, to get to you. It took two big men to subdue me.”
Braden’s eyes closed, his brow furrowed. When he opened his eyes again, they were full of sorrow. He cradled Cade’s face in his hands.
Cade leaned down and kissed Braden’s lips, whisper soft. “They tried to reach me, tried to talk to me, but I wasn’t there. They were covered in my blood and still I struggled and shouted at them. When I stopped struggling to get to you, when I knew you were dead, they said I just fell to my knees and roared out your name. They said I would have fallen on my face if they hadn’t caught me when I collapsed. Am I weak, Braden?”
Another tear slid down Braden’s face, and another. Braden shook his head and whispered, “No. No, you’re not weak.”
“I know you fought him. He had the marks on him to prove it before I even got to him. You fought a fucking monster, Braden. You didn’t cower, you didn’t sit passively, waiting for a beat down. Do you know how brave that is? You’ve only been taking self-defense classes for a short time and yet you fought back with all that you had.”
Cade saw a glimmer of pride etch itself across Braden’s face and smiled. “I didn’t tell you about getting shot because I didn’t want to stress you out. You internalize your stress and when you do, it makes your blood sugar spike, which can lead to migraines. I wasn’t about to add that to the mix. I just wanted to get you through the worst of it, and then I was planning on telling you.”
Cade, laying on his side now, leg thrown over both of Braden’s thighs, leaned over and kissed Braden’s lips slowly. “I know that when I thought you were dead, I couldn’t even fathom going on another day without you. So let me ask you again, Braden, am I weak?”
Braden quickly shook his head. “No.”
Cade raised a brow. “Are you weak?”
“No.”
“Do I think you’re weak?”
Braden took a deep breath and shook his head. Cade wouldn’t stand for that. “Say it.”
“No, you don’t think I’m weak.”
“That’s right. You’re my fucking warrior, Braden.”
Braden’s soft smile pulled at Cade’s heartstrings. “I’m your fucking warrior.”
Cade knew without a smidgen of doubt that Braden would be just fine. It might take some time, but in the end, Braden was too strong not to overcome it. He grinned down at Braden. “Now, do you think there’s some food left over? I’m starved.”
He got up and pulled Braden gently to his feet. They kissed for several minutes and then Cade chuckled when he heard Braden’s stomach growl. “Come on. Let me feed you, and then we’ll get to bed early.”
“Z?”
Braden’s apprehensive voice caused Cade to turn and face him. “Yeah?”
“How did you know what I needed?”
“I make it my business to know what you need, but I’m not sure what you’re referring to.”
“When you laid on top of me.”
“I know what my touch does for you. When you feel uneasy, scared, or upset, you touch me in some small way. When I began to notice that those gestures were helping to ground you, I began to use it to help reduce your anxiety.”
“I love you, Z.”
“I know, baby. I know you do. I love you too. Now come on, let’s get you fed and to bed.”
They grinned at each other and clasped hands as they walked into the kitchen to stuff themselves with Lers Ros catering and Nana’s baked goods. They fed each other, laughed and teased each other and for the first time since they met, there was no stress or anxiety between them.
They cleaned up, got ready for bed and got under the covers. Braden was still fairly uncomfortable on his side or stomach, so Cade had gotten into the habit of curling his body around him, which Braden not-so-secretly loved. Hell, Braden loved anything and everything having to do with being surrounded by or covered by Cade, which was going to make the next several weeks extremely difficu
lt.
They were on a doctor ordered sexual hiatus for at least three weeks. Braden was expressly forbidden to work for at least four weeks, resuming work on a part time basis for at least two more weeks after that. He was warned that he wouldn’t start really feeling back to normal and ready to do all of his previous activities, like running, for at least two months.
They were all so thankful that Nana was available to take over for Braden during this time, but he’d already placed an ad in the local paper for a baking assistant. She may be young for a grandmother, but being in her mid-seventies standing on her feet all day baking was going to take its toll regardless of how much enthusiasm she had for the job.
He figured if Nana helped vet the applicants and he decided on someone he really liked, he’d keep them on after he was able to be back full time, so that he could stop working as much as he had been. Maya had suggested that they hire someone to assist him years ago. He’d refused at the time, not wanting to have anyone else in his kitchen, but mostly feeling like it was an extravagance that wasn’t needed. He’d come to realize he needed more time away from work, not only because of his relationship with Cade, but because he needed time for himself as well.
In the meantime, he was spending a bit of time every day on Cade’s laptop writing down the recipes that he had in his head. He knew once he had all of them down in writing, he’d have to test them out ingredient by ingredient to be sure the measurements he listed were accurate. He’d made a lot of them up, or had stolen them, with pride, from Nana. When it came to baking, neither of them ever really had to use recipes. However, he had to start keeping them if he was going to have an assistant baker that he would trust to leave the baking to, if he was off a couple days a week or if he was on vacation. Just thinking about a vacation, away from it all, with Cade, made his stomach feel all fluttery.