by Quil Carter
“I must put my fears aside for Elish,” Silas said. My siblings, Perish and Julian all seemed shocked by this admission. “He needs to do this and I will stand behind him. I will accompany them to the greywastes and make sure they’re protected… but Elish will get his revenge.”
Internally, I sighed with relief, but deep inside, there was another emotion growing, one that I had been feeling the fringes of, but not enough to narrow down. It was… a warmth towards Silas, not just of gratitude, but of…
No. It was not that.
It was merely gratitude.
CHAPTER 62
I stood in front of the mirror in Silas’s bedroom and looked myself straight in the eyes. A man I was only starting to recognize again stared back at me, and I told myself as our gazes locked that I would find him again. I would find myself.
Short blond hair with not even the hint of a wave or a curl, an inch or so past my ears and long enough to create bangs on my forehead. A narrow nose, thin lips, a strong jaw that smelled of aftershave and ears adorned with three earrings in each lobe, a diamond, a black diamond, and a purple ruby to match my purple eyes, a shade darker than Ares and Siris’s orchid, or Apollo and Artemis’s purple that held hints of dark blue.
I was dressed in black today. A black button-down and tie, black trousers and belt, and shining black shoes. This attire made my eyes more brilliant than usual, and it was because of that that I could see the sorrow heavily implanted in each ocular.
Deeply I inhaled, and I spoke to myself in my head.
You must show them you are strong. Fall apart on the inside Elish Sebastian Dekker, you cannot let them see your pain; you cannot let them see your weakness. They say they are your family and you don’t need to hide your wounds, but reality is different than fantasy, and these people look up to you now. Show them what you’re made of, and be ice.
You are a chimera.
You have to act like it.
“Lovely boy…”
I turned towards the bedroom door and saw Silas standing in the frame. He was the black king today, dressed in a dress shirt, trousers, shining shoes, and a cape that framed his kingly aura.
Dressed for a funeral.
“Oh, my baby,” Silas whispered. He closed the door behind him and walked to me, and when he was close enough, he drew me in for a hug and squeezed me tightly to him. “My heart just aches for you. I’m so sorry.”
Usually I could cringe away at him hugging me like this, but today I found myself drawn to this touch. There was something in his hold that made me feel better, and right now I was too desperate for any respite from these feelings to question it.
“Thank you,” I said quietly back. Silas tightened his hold before releasing me, then took my hand into his. “I just wish to… get this over with as quickly as I can.” But saying those words out loud made guilt take me. “I…” I shook my head and turned from him. “I shouldn’t say that. I shouldn’t be wanting something honouring Finn to be over with.”
“No, no, love,” Silas said. He rubbed my hand and led me over to his bed. He sat down on it and motioned for me to do the same. “Don’t feel bad for that… I went through the same thing.”
“Did you?” I asked. I sat down on the bed beside him. “With…” It was always dangerous to say his name, but today I didn’t care. “With Sky?”
Silas nodded. “After I went crazy with grief… I came back to Skyfall and found all of Skyfall in mourning.” Silas’s mouth pursed, and his eyes stared off, deeply into his own memories. “They wanted this large funeral for him, this grand production… They wanted his death to be a day of mourning.” He took my hand again and began to stroke my knuckles with his thumb. “When all I wanted… was to be left alone so I could fall apart in silence. You will grieve in darkness, like I did, and I do. Not in front of your family, or your friends, you’re merely putting on a show and going through the motions. Then once they’re gone… you’ll fall to pieces. You’ll… break and break badly.”
He rubbed my back, his hand still in mine. “And when you do, you’ll let me help you. Because I do know what you’re going through.”
I turned from him. “Don’t say that,” I said bitterly. “You were with Sky for over a century. I was too much of a coward to even tell Finn I loved him. You’re lying so you can relate to me but I know you’re laughing at my pathetic grief. I know it’s nothing compared to how you–”
“This is your first true taste of grief as an adult, Elish,” Silas cut me off, his tone still patient. “The first time is different than the hundredth because it’s still so new. Grief knows no semantics; it knows no justifications. Grief is grief, and our life experiences may be different… but I know the pain you feel.” His hand squeezed mine. “I know you’ll internalize it… you wouldn’t be Elish if you didn’t. But I want you to know, I’m here for you… whatever you need.”
That was such a… thoughtful thing to say. There were no strings attached to it, and his words were said with no mask being held over his face.
This was Silas…
And I…
“Thank you, Silas.”
I appreciated it more than he could know.
Silas sighed. “I wish you were still little so I could hold you to me,” he whispered. “I just want to take this pain from you. It hurts me to see you so sad.” He sniffed, and I saw him wipe his eyes out of the corner of my own.
“When the Jackson’s are dead… I can start to heal,” I said. I slipped my hand from his, and wiped a stray tear beside his nose with my thumb. “But as long as they’re alive… that wound is still infected.”
Silas nodded. He leaned against me and I put my arm around him, drawing him close. “The family will help you kill them,” he said with finality. “The Dekker’s look out for each other, and your siblings are grieving with you.” I relaxed with him so near me. How far I had fallen from the man who hated this king so much it burned. “I’ll do anything I can to make you happy. You know that, right, love?”
“I do,” I said simply. I leaned my head against the top of his, and for a brief moment, I closed my eyes. “Thank you.”
Soon after, we left Silas’s bedroom and walked down the stairs to my apartment. I heard the murmuring voices as we descended the stairs, but when they saw us emerge, they were silenced.
In front of us were Garrett, Nero, and Ellis, then Keela, Tyler, Kirrel, and Headmaster Harris, all of them wearing black. All of them were wearing black, and surrounding a polished table that usually sat up against the wall by the television. The table now had a black cloth covering it, and resting on top of that cloth, was an urn made of gold, with two opal bands, and a stopper made of black marble.
My Finn.
Something else wrenched my heart as well. As I approached, the room silent, I saw that resting beside the urn was the stuffed cat that I had won for Finn, and resting upon that cat’s head was the black headband with the cat ears.
I walked to the urn, and brushed my hand on it, then traced my fingers along the stuffed cat. The tight pain in the back of my throat became almost unbearable, but I forced it down with a deep breath, and I made myself ice.
I am a chimera. I am a chimera.
Act like it.
I turned when I heard a shuddered sob. I looked and saw Headmaster Harris with a tissue in his trembling hand. The Headmaster was in his late seventies now, his hair snowy white and his face lined with age. Kirrel and Tyler were on opposite sides of him with their hands rubbing his shoulders, tears in their eyes as well.
I walked to him, and the headmaster looked up as I approached.
“He loved you so much, Elish,” Headmaster Harris said. He reached a hand out and gasped my arm. “Every time he visited, his eyes were so bright when he spoke of you. You made him so happy.”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “He made me happy too,” I said to him. “Would you like to say a few words about Finn?”
The old headmaster nodded, and dabbed his eyes with the handker
chief he had in his hand. He then walked over to Finn’s urn, and rested his hand on top of it.
“I remember when I first met him,” Harris started. He smiled sadly at the golden urn, then turned to us. “A little boy of five, full of energy and with a laugh that made all who heard him want to laugh too.” He looked to us, his eyes full. “Finn was rarely without a smile, and that lovely trait carried on into his adult life. That boy, he was liquid sunlight, and everyone at Autumnhome treasured him.”
Kirrel, Tyler, and Keela nodded at this, tears now running down their faces. The headmaster continued, “Finn loved animals, he loved helping people… but the love of his life came when he turned fifteen… and Silas selected him to be his heir’s first sengil. Oh, I remember that day so well, Finn was bouncing off of the walls, grinning from ear to ear, and yet at the same time that boy was terrified, terrified that he wouldn’t be good enough for his new master.
“I worried for that boy every day after he went to Alegria, I admit. I worried that my kind-hearted sengil may be too soft to live with such a powerful chimera. He was like a son to me. No, he was my son. And like any father who had sent a child into the world, I wanted to be there to protect him. But I had to trust that boy, now a man, and I had to trust his master… and it turns out, I was right to trust Elish with Finneus.
“I remember a certain day when Finn had come to visit me… he had this glow to him. I asked him just why he was so much happier than usual…” The headmaster chuckled through his tears. “… Which you can guess must’ve been really happy.” This sent a small wave of light laughter, but my lips were too pursed, holding down the meltdown beneath my tongue, to even force a chuckle. “And he said… ‘I told him that I love him. I finally told him. And Headmaster Harris… he told me he loves me too. He told me… I don’t have to retire.’”
I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
But I have to. I have to be strong. I have to show them I’m strong.
“Elish… having Finn taken from us so soon is a tragedy in its rawest form,” I heard him say. My eyes were on my shoes, I realized I feared tearing my gaze away from them. “But you must know… those six years after you two finally shared your feelings… Finn would’ve rather have had those six years, then a thousand having you two remain sengil and master.”
Silence fell after, a silence broken up by the tears of the sengils, and of Nero, Ellis, and Garrett.
“Thank you, Headmaster,” Silas said. “And I am so sorry for your loss.”
There was shifting. I was still staring at my shoes, then Kirrel spoke. Kirrel, Tyler, and Keela all took a turn speaking of Finn when he was younger, what a light he was in their lives. Keela even told of the first day I was at Autumnhome and had threatened him when he’d been roughing up Finn. He said it through tears and light laughter, and finished telling, once again, just how much Finn loved me.
Garrett spoke next, then Nero, then Ellis, then finally Silas had his turn. He went on for ten minutes about how much he had also grown attached to Finn. And also, just why he had chosen Finn over Julian, who wasn’t present. The answer to that was one I had expected; I knew how much more compatible Finn was with me than Julian. I loved Julian, time had healed the wounds he had inflicted on me, but my love for him was different. Julian could never penetrate the armour that Finn could easily bypass.
Then it was my turn. I lifted my eyes off of my black shoes and faced my family, the sengils, and the old headmaster. In silence, I walked to the urn like the others had, and turned to them.
“I will… be keeping this short,” I said to them. “What I had to say to Finn, has been in private…” I resisted shifting my feet, and put a hand behind my back. I tried to ignore the throbbing behind my eyes, the dryness in my mouth, but most of all, I tried to ignore the fact that the sengil, the boy I had loved too late, was nothing but a pile of ash behind me.
He shouldn’t be ash. He should be alive, in my arms. He should be presenting me with tea, petting my cat, he should be getting his feathers ruffled when he felt threatened by Julian. He should be picking out his college courses. He’d… he’d wanted a business degree so he could be on the council with me.
Then, with swift cruelty, I saw him. I saw him in my arms, his eyes wide and fearful. I felt the warmth of his blood on my hand as I pressed it against the wound, then the cold air when Silas grabbed my palm and turned it up… and I saw his brain matter stuck to it.
And now my arms were empty, and the boy with the bright smile was gone.
“The world has lost perhaps… its last good person,” I said simply. “The last pure soul. It is darker now.” I brushed my fingers along the headband that had the cat ears, and unknown as to why, I picked it up. He didn’t even have that stuffed cat, or that headband, for long, but for reasons I couldn’t explain, I felt a deep connection to them, and a protectiveness that told me I would be holding onto both until the day I died.
“I will carry with me the regret, that I never told Finn just how much I truly…” I took in a slow breath, just as I heard Silas burst into tears. “… how much I truly was in love with him. I will carry the regret… that I was too much of a coward in denial, to know myself until it was too late.” I looked at the urn, and put my hand against it. It was cold, and that broke my heart. Finn hated being cold.
“I love you, Finn,” I said. “And thank you for loving me.”
I didn’t realize my threshold had been reached until I was walking as quickly as I could past everyone in attendance. I had to get away from that apartment, away from those people; my resolve was crumbling around me and I had to crumble in silence.
No one called for me which I was thankful for. I made it to the elevator, and once the doors closed, I found myself sinking to my knees.
I wished I could’ve made it further. I wish I could’ve survived until I was well away from anyone possibly seeing me, but I had held on for as long as I could. As the elevator took me down to the lobby, my body collapsed into a heap, but I managed not to become a sobbing mess, instead I just shook as I clutched that cat-eared headband to my chest, my teeth chattering and my breath coming in quick, desperate gasps.
I reached up and pressed as many buttons as I could. All I could do as I broke down, was hope that no maintenance sengil or worker, or worse yet, a younger brother, needed to use the elevator.
The elevator descended and stopped, and this pattern was repeated as I tried to compose myself. After several minutes, I forced myself to stand, then I took in deep breaths to try and shake the tremble in my body. This went on for ten minutes, until the lobby was finally reached. I wasn’t near the state I wanted to be for the public to see me, but I needed fresh air.
The thiens knew better so I was not spoken to, I walked past them, down the marble steps, and into the cold but sunny day. I dug into my pocket for a cigarette, and gave a half-interested glimpse to a blond-haired young man I saw sitting on the steps of Alegria. I ignored him, and walked down to the fountain in the middle of Alegria’s courtyard. I lit it and a blue ember flared from the Blueleaf opiate-laced cigarette and I took in a long inhale.
I looked down at the cat-eared headband as I smoked the cigarette. It smelled of fabric softener, heavily of it. I wondered if they’d had to scrub any blood off of it, or if the washing was to cover the smell of gunpowder.
Either way, I decided then I would keep the headband and the stuffed cat. I drew the band through a loop in my trousers and allowed the inhaled opiates to calm the remaining tremble in my body.
As I smoked, my eyes glanced towards movement. I realized with an odd curiosity, that the boy who had been sitting on the marble steps had shifted himself to the very edge of the stairs, and I caught him glancing over at me, more than once.
I watched him, and at first, I didn’t know why, but I realized it was because he seemed familiar to me. He had blond hair that curled at the edges, a darker blond than mine, almost a light brown; arched dark eyebrows and full lips. His face was square, his e
yes large but not glaring, and he had an appearance to him that made his age difficult to determine.
Then it dawned on me. I knew who he was.
I turned from him, my jaw set. Unable to hold back the sadness rushing to the surface, I walked along the fountain until I got to an area where I would be hidden, then I sat on the cold concrete rim. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a kerchief, and hoped that the trickling water behind me, would hide the shaking breaths in my chest.
I brought the cigarette to my lips and smoked it as quickly as I could, sucking in the silver smoke with desperation. I had never been much of a drug user, but I knew tonight I would be falling onto some pretty heavy stuff.
I needed to be numbed. I needed these last emotions to take their dying gasp, so I could be dead inside. Oh did I ever want to just be dead.
“May I have a cigarette?”
The noise of the fountain had made me unable to hear him approach. At first, embarrassment flooded me, but quicker than I expected, I regained my calm, enough to glance his way. “It’s not wise to bother me right now,” I said to him, taking another deep inhale of the blue-embered cigarette.
I could practically hear his heart crush. “I’m sorry, Master,” he mumbled.
Master…
It was him.
Loren. The sengil that was going to soon be brought into the family. He was seventeen, two years older than we usually get, but I hadn’t wanted Finn to feel like he was being replaced.
Silas had told me Finn could stay, as long as I gave Julian another chance.
Loren’s back was turned to me now, and he was walking away. “You can stay,” I said. I didn’t know why I said that, but that was nothing knew, it had been happening more and more lately.
Loren paused, and when he turned around, I saw an expression of meek relief. He then sat down beside me on the fountain. I offered him a cigarette from my tin, and when he put it in his mouth I pinched the tip of it with my fingers, making a blue ember flare and smoulder. I inhaled the last of my own cigarette and tossed it onto the green grass, and lit myself another one.