by Quil Carter
I stared back at him. Oh, how I loved looking into those navy-coloured eyes, so close I could see the darker shade that surrounded the iris, and the little squiggles of black and robin’s egg blue. He was handsome, not perfect, but he’d grown into quite the man. A face that was still rugged from his time in the greywastes, heart-shaped with his chestnut hair making a widow’s peak that fell over his groomed eyebrows.
He had taught me so much over the years. I knew how to handle Silas because of him; I had confidence because of him, self-worth. Julian had written on the slate of my being, and for better or for worse, I was the man I am today because of him.
“Okay,” I said to him. “Let’s go to the greywastes.”
Julian’s face fell, a crushing relief taking tight hold. He threw his arms around me and wept.
That relief wasn’t because I would be far away from Silas, far away from any hurt. It was because I didn’t know the truth about him, what he’d done to Finn. He was weeping for himself, not me.
I rubbed his back and my eyes closed. I breathed in his scent, his essence; I absorbed him and committed this moment to memory. I promised myself I would never forget what he felt like, what he smelled like. How his strong heart felt as it beat desperately against my own.
He loved me. There was no doubt that he loved me, to the best of his mental and emotional ability.
“I was so worried when you weren’t home,” Julian whimpered. After a long embrace, he pulled away, the tears tinging his eyes red. “I was so scared, my lion. I thought I’d lost you.”
I took his hand and led him towards the living room. I saw Loren peek out from his bedroom, fear and worry on his face, but as soon as we made eye contact he shrunk back and hid. I didn’t know for sure, but I believe I saw handprint bruises on his neck.
“I’m not the man I was when I was fifteen,” I told him. I walked him to the window, an urge to look at the city from on-high taking me. “I won’t let him have that power over me again. Nor will I let him take away someone I love.”
Julian’s lower lip tightened. “I’m so relieved. I love you so much.”
I smiled at him. “Will you make me some tea? Silas won’t be back for a while and… I wish for one last cup inside of my home.”
Julian nodded, and his arms wrapped around me again. “I’ll put the kettle on… I’ll pack the green tea and the mint. Would you like the chai packed too?”
“Sure.”
Julian turned and walked to the kitchen. I left the large picture windows as well, and walked in silence to the small nook in the corner of the apartment; the one that had my electric fireplace and the two chairs facing it, framed also by bookshelves full of books.
It was my quiet space to study, to read and do my work…
… it was also Finn’s final resting place.
When I saw the urn, the first flickers of emotion flared inside of me. “Hello, little love,” I whispered. I reached up and gently touched the gold urn with the opal stripe. It was cold, it physically hurt me that he was cold. “It won’t be long now. My perfect, beautiful boy. It… it won’t be long now.” I leaned down and kissed him, and my eyes shut tight as I rested my forehead against the metal.
“Oh, Finny…” I whispered. “Even though I ended up falling for him… no one will ever come close to you.” I lifted my head, and removed the cat ears from the lid. I put them around my neck, and picked up the urn.
I walked back into the living room, and placed the urn on top of a bookshelf by the television, an area that saw the window I was standing beside unobstructed. I smiled at it, and when I was by the window again, Julian emerged.
“I have the kettle on. I was going to bring your favourite mug and–” He stopped when he saw the expression on my face. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly.
“Come here, love,” I said. “I just need to hold you again. I…” I swallowed a tightness in my throat. “I’m feeling a bit sad today.”
“Oh, baby,” Julian whispered. He put down the container of tea and walked to where I was standing. “I’m fucking scared too. I’m terrified actually, but… we’ll be together, right?”
I nodded. When he was beside me, instead of embracing him, I stepped behind Julian and wrapped my arms around his chest. I leaned my chin on his shoulder and again I inhaled his scent. “Yes,” I said. “I keep telling myself that. Over and over. But… I’m still sad.”
Julian looked at me through the reflection of the window. He smiled sorrowfully. “I’ll protect you,” he whispered. “It’s always been my job to protect you.”
I hugged him to me. “I know, love,” I replied. My eyes closed, I felt him tilt his head towards mine. “And it is my job… to always know what’s best for you.”
He was quiet, and after several moments of holding him, my eyes opened. I looked at our reflection and I saw that his eyes were now closed. Our bodies slowly rocking back and forth, lulling both of us into a dream-like trance.
Then my eyes looked past his reflection, to the right, and I smiled warmly at the gold urn resting only several feet away.
My hand slid from Julian’s chest, and rested on the hilt of the knife I kept strapped to my belt.
“I love you, Finn,” I whispered.
In the time it took for Julian’s eyes to open, I unsheathed the knife, brought it to his neck, and with a single fluid movement, I opened it up from ear to ear.
I held him tight as his body convulsed, blood spraying from the wound with an impressive force. The blood coated the spotless window in front of us, and in between the thick splatters of red, I saw Julian’s bulging eyes, full of fear, full of crushed betrayal.
And below those eyes, a gaping slash he was attempting to cover with blood-soaked hands. They cupped the fatal wound with desperation, blood shooting between each digit every time his dying heart gave its requiem of beats.
I said nothing. I only held him, rocking him back and forth, and humming over the sounds of his wheezing exposed larynx desperately trying to suck in air.
Then his body gave out. I held him up to prevent him from collapsing, then slowly lowered both of us to the ground. The wound in his throat was gurgling, his wide eyes affixed in horror, eyes that flickered around in jerking movements, similar to the ones his body made.
I remembered the day I held my dying Finn in my arms, and realized Julian was probably watching me the entire time.
I gave him one last hug, then laid him on the floor. I then rose from my kneeling position and watched as the gaping wound in Julian’s neck gave one last weak trickle of blood, blood that stained ash-coloured skin and painted my grey carpet red. There was a shudder then, a convulse, before Julian, who had once been so many things to me, died with his eyes wide open.
I turned my back to him, then I picked up Finn’s urn and walked to the entrance of my apartment. I entered the elevator, and pressed the button for the roof.
What a long journey this had been. Such a long journey wrought with so much sadness, so much anguish and loss. I look back on the boy that I had once been, and there is a part of me that wonders that… if I could travel back in time, would I smother him in his crib? Would I spare this child the future he once looked forward to with bright violet eyes?
Poor creature. My heart hurt for that boy. He’d had so much hope… so many dreams. His world revolved around making Master Silas proud. Oh, how much he loved him… How much did he want to be exactly like his master and creator.
And his punishment for dreaming such things was to have the feathers in his wings plucked out one by one, and the hollow bones snapped every time he flew too far away from his captor.
How did I let it come to this? Dear god that doesn’t exist… when did I let things go so wrong?
Things have gone so wrong. One thing after another. These men picked away at me and now there was nothing left, nothing for them to consume. I was empty; I was tired. I didn’t have the energy to deal with the fallout of what happened. I didn’t even have the ener
gy to deal with Finn’s death.
Silas… he has my brothers and my sister. He has the secret to immortality and now he can make as many companions as he wants, ones who will be with him for the end of his days.
And if he wished, he could make the Elias he’d always wanted. Not Elish, the defective chimera. He could… he could do it right.
I stepped off of the elevator and walked up the concrete steps to the rooftop of Alegria. It was the tallest point in all of Skyfall, and in all directions, I could see the cityscape.
I walked through the rooftop garden, gently running my hand over the violet tulips that were almost in bloom. They were surrounded by green leaves, the colour of Silas’s eyes, and black dirt with flecks of white. I decided to pick one, then I moved past them, Finn’s urn still being held protectively to my chest by my left hand.
I sat down in a wood bench with iron rungs, the city, and further on the ocean, in front of us.
I put Finn down beside me and smiled at him. Then ran a hand over the lid of his urn as if I was stroking back those beautiful golden curls.
“It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” I said to him. “You loved April, you loved spring and summer. Do you remember when I’d scoff at you for being so excited when you’d spot the flowers blooming?” I laughed lightly at the memory and swept the scenery around me with my gaze. “We’d fight about what was better… winter or summer. I loved the excuse to stay inside when it was cold and dark, but you, love, you just wanted to run around in the sun. Do you remember all the times you’d beg me to go for walks? To literally stop and smell the flowers?” I put the tulip beside him. “If you were here, little love… if I even just had you for a single day, I would take you wherever you wanted to go. Even though I know… it was you who’d want to follow me.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled the crisp spring air. I filled my lungs until near bursting, held the breath and treasured it, then slowly blew it out and let the red pressing against my lids turn to daylight once again.
“Well, love…” I reached to my side and unholstered my handgun. I looked down at the silver Colt and squeezed the grip. “It looks like for once… it is I following you.” My eyes lifted, then fell on Finn’s urn. I smiled at him sadly, and for the last time, I leaned down and kissed him.
“I love you,” I whispered, my eyes welling. “And I am so sorry. For so many things, I’m sorry.”
Forgive me.
Everyone…
Silas. Nero. Garrett. Ellis. Ceph. Apollo. Artemis. Jack. Loren.
My brothers. Perish. Sacario. My damn… my damn cat.
I closed my eyes, opened my mouth, and felt the cold steel on my tongue, and the angled tip press against the roof of my mouth.
I can no longer do this.
I’m broken.
And there is no man alive on this planet that can fix me.
I drew up Finn’s image. His soft face, his dimpled cheeks and rosy pink lips, his smile that could slay all darkness, and the love that was embedded so deeply in his liquid blue eyes.
I remembered him. His scent. His being. His arms that wrapped around me after he’d shyly shift over to me on the bed. His warm body that had cooled the ice that had surrounded this damaged, sad man.
I held onto his memory, clutched it to my chest, and as a single tear escaped my shut eyes and dripped down my cheek… I pulled the trigger.
And there was nothing.
Beautiful nothing.
Until I saw white flames.
CHAPTER 68
When I felt the consciousness come to me, I finally could accept that I was still alive. It seemed like several lifetimes had passed as I writhed and suffered in these crystal flames, but yet, there was no time where I was. It didn’t exist in this living damnation, there was only the physical pain of being burned alive by this brilliant fire, and an unquenchable thirst that had my mouth and throat dried and cracked.
Sometimes I tried to scream; sometimes a burst of fear would take me and I’d think that we had been wrong, that there was a Hell and I would spend eternity being tortured and burned. Other times, I’d realize what was happening. I realized that Perish had pulled a fast one on me. He’d made me immortal when he was supposed to be removing my phantom implants.
But my conscious thoughts were fleeting as this white fire seared my flesh. Only occasionally would I grasp onto the fact that I was still alive, then a flare of pain, one that made me scream inside this depthless chasm, would snatch away my self-awareness, and toss me deeper into these relentless, yet hypnotising, flames.
He never told me it was this painful. He never warned us that it would feel like you were being roasted naked over a bed of living suns and bursting volcanos. That you would feel helpless, trapped inside of your own mind, confused and lost as wave after wave of pain swept you. I wished he had, but I don’t believe it would do any good.
Yes, it wasn’t until the consciousness came to me, aided by a heart I could now feel beating strongly inside of my chest, did I accept fully… that not only was I still alive…
Elish Dekker was immortal.
Red-tinged black appeared in front of my eyes, and when that red got brighter, I squinted and shut the lids tight. I was confused when I heard my first noise, a stifled gasp, and this was quickly followed by a hand grasping mine.
And another one rested against my cheek. It was cold at first, then the touch became warm, and gently it stroked my skin in a caring fashion.
“Open your eyes,” a voice said softly. It was a voice that I had been hearing since before I was born. I knew who it was, and as the thick veils lifted off of my brain and the memories from my mortal life became brighter, I was confused at its soft and caring tone.
My eyes slowly opened to a blurry dim room. I blinked hard to try and focus them, and realized that I was inside of my bedroom. The blinds were drawn but the sun had still snuck in through the slits, shining bars of daylight on my dark beige walls, and touching the edges of a full-length mirror I had by the closet door.
Then I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I moved my head, my eyes still adjusting, and saw King Silas sitting cross-legged beside my blanket-covered body. He was staring down at me, his hand on my cheek.
“Welcome back, Elish,” he whispered. His fingers trailed up my jawline, then they weaved through my hair. It looked like he wanted to say more to me, his mouth even moved as his brain lined up the words, but there was no voice to it; Silas only stared down at me, an expression on his face I couldn’t read.
I stared back at him and slowly sat up. Gradually, the first vestiges of emotion started coming back to me.
No, not only emotion… the memories I’d never forgotten walked to the forefronts of my mind and pushed all grogginess away.
I’d put a gun into my mouth. I’d pulled the trigger. After multiple suicide attempts, I had decided to end my life in a near foolproof way.
Yet here I was. After doing terrible things to my siblings for punishment of their betrayal, after murdering the man who had taken my Finn from me, after…
… after torturing Silas. Torturing the man who had been behind so many of my traumatic experiences, the source of a long list of mental issues I was now burdened with forever.
Yet this time… he had been innocent.
And I knew he would never forgive me for that.
Sorrow swept me. Here I was, now immortal and unable to die, unable to be with Finn in death. I would be stuck in this horrible existence, making mistake after mistake again and again, with a king that would torture me all the worse for what I did to him.
The realization of this crushed me, it physically crushed me. I’d been so close to leaving this life for good, so close to being reunited with Finn, but now I would be forced to remain here.
There was no reprieve; there was no escaping.
I let out a sob of despair, and with the hopelessness overwhelming me, I began to cry.
“Oh, Elish,” Silas cried softly. “Don’t cry. Baby,
please don’t cry.” His voice throttled the last three words, and I felt arms encase me. “Shush, love. It’s okay.” I was too big for him to hold me, but he seemed determined to try. Silas crawled onto my lap, one leg on each side of me, and wrapped his arms around my chest. He drew me to him, the intense sorrow giving me no will to fight him, and began shushing and rocking me back and forth.
“I can’t escape,” I said, my tone strangled. “I can’t escape this. I can’t escape this.”
“Shhh, Elish, calm down,” Silas whispered. “Please, take a deep breath.”
“No!” I cried. I pushed him away and tried to get up off of the bed. “Stop it. Stop with this act of caring! I know what I did to you. I know what I did to my brothers and my sister, to Julian. I know you’re waiting for the right moment to torture me for it.” Silas reached out to grab me as I put a foot down onto the carpet. I didn’t know why until I put weight on it. It gave out immediately, and I fell to the floor.
“Elish! You need to calm down!” Silas cried. He got off of the bed as I tried to get up, and with his help, I managed to sit down on the edge of the bed. “Please, love, please calm down.”
“It’s just a mask,” I gasped, my heart was racing, I could physically feel it knock against my ribs. “It’s just a damn mask until a new mood takes you and you’ll have me burned alive. There’s no escaping. There’s no escaping this piece of shit life. Oh, fuck, there’s no escaping you.” I began to take in quickened breaths, my lungs hyperventilating. “I’m stuck here. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck I’m stuck here. What are you going to do to me this time? Implant me? Make me into a real slave for you? Oh, fuck there’s no stopping you now that I’m immortal. There’s no–”
Silas grabbed my chin, and my panicked rambling was stifled when he leaned in and pressed his lips against my own.
The shock of it stole all words waiting in line on my tongue. I froze, my eyes wide open, and I remained still as he softly, and deeply, kissed me.