by Morgan Rice
Without missing a beat she licks my finger, and in three big licks, she has eaten the whole scoop. She licks her lips and stares back at me wide-eyed, already wanting more.
I stroke her head, give her a kiss, then rise back to my feet. Now I wonder whether it was kind to give her some, or just cruel to give her so little.
The house is dark as I stumble through, as it always is at night. Rarely will I set a fire. As much as we need the heat, I don’t want to risk attracting the attention. But tonight is different: Bree has to get well, both physically and emotionally, and I know a fire will do the trick. I also feel more open to throwing caution to the wind, given that we will move out of here tomorrow.
I cross the room to the cupboard and remove a lighter and candle. One of the best things about this place was its huge stash of candles, one of the very few good byproducts of my Dad’s being a Marine, of his being such a survival nut. When we’d visit as kids, the electricity would go out during every storm, and so he’d stockpile candles, determined to beat the elements. I remember I used to make fun of him for it, call him a hoarder when I discovered his entire closet full of candles. Now that I’m down to the last few candles, I wish he’d hoarded more.
I’ve been keeping our only lighter alive by using it sparingly, and by siphoning off a tiny bit of gas from the motorcycle once every few weeks. I thank God every day for Dad’s bike, and I am also grateful that he fueled it up one last time: it is the one thing we have that makes me think we still have an advantage, that we have something really valuable, some way of surviving if things go to hell. Dad always kept the bike in the small garage attached to the house, but when we first arrived, after the war, the first thing I did was remove it and roll it up the hill, into the woods, hiding it beneath bushes and branches and thorns so thick that no one could ever possibly find it. I figured, if our house is ever discovered, the first thing they’d do is check the garage.
I’m also grateful that Dad taught me how to drive it when I was young, despite Mom’s protests. He told me it was harder to learn than most bikes, because of the attached sidecar. I remember back when I was twelve, terrified, learning to ride the bike while Dad sat in the sidecar, barking orders at me every time I stalled. I learned on these steep, unforgiving mountain roads, and I remember feeling like we were going to die. I remember looking out over the edge, seeing the drop, and crying, insisting that he drive. But he refused. He sat there stubbornly for over an hour, until I finally stopped crying and tried again. And somehow, I learned to drive it. That was my upbringing in a nutshell.
I haven’t touched the bike since the day I hid it, and I don’t even risk going up to look at it except when I need to siphon off the gas-and even that I will only do at night. I imagine that if ever one day we’re in trouble and need to get out of here fast, I’ll put Bree and Sasha in the sidecar and drive us all off to wherever we need to go. But in reality, I have no idea where else we’d possibly go. From everything I’ve seen and heard, the rest of the world is a wasteland, filled with violent criminals, gangs, and few survivors. The violent few who’ve managed to survive have congregated in the cities, kidnapping and enslaving whoever they can find, either for their own ends, or to service the death matches in the arenas. I am guessing that Bree and I are among very few survivors who still live freely, on our own, outside the cities. And among the very few who haven’t yet starved to death.
I light the candle, and Sasha follows as I walk slowly through the darkened house. I assume Bree is asleep, and this worries me: she normally doesn’t sleep this much. I stop before her door, debating whether to wake her. As I stand there, I look up and am startled by my own reflection in the small mirror. I look much older, as I do every time I see myself. My face, thin and angular, is flush from the cold, my light brown hair falls down, framing my face, to my shoulders, and my steel-grey eyes stare back at me as if they belong to someone I don’t recognize. They are hard, intense eyes. Dad always said they were the eyes of a wolf. Mom always said they were beautiful. I wasn’t sure who to believe.
I quickly look away, not wanting to see myself. I reach out and turn the mirror backwards, so that it won’t happen again.
I slowly open Bree’s door. The second I do, Sasha charges in and rushes to Bree’s side, lying down and resting her chin on Bree’s chest as she licks her face. It never ceases to amaze me how close those two are-sometimes I feel like they are even closer than we are.
Bree slowly opens her eyes, and squints into the darkness.
“Brooke?” she asks.
“It’s me,” I say, softly. “I’m home.”
She sits up and smiles as her eyes light up with recognition. She lies on a cheap mattress on the floor, and throws off her thin blanket and begins to get out of bed, still in her pajamas. She is moving more slowly than usually, and it is obvious she is still sick.
I lean down and give her a hug.
“I have a surprise for you,” I say, barely able to contain my excitement.
She looks up wide-eyed, then closes her eyes and opens her hands, waiting. She is so believing, so trusting, it amazes me. I debate what to give her first, then settle on the chocolate. I reach into my pocket and pull out the bar, and place it slowly in her palm. She opens her eyes and looks down at her hand, squinting in the light, unsure. I hold the candle up to it.
“What is it?” she asks.
“Chocolate,” I answer.
She looks up as if I’m playing a trick on her.
“Really,” I say.
“But where did you get it?” she asks, uncomprehending. She looks down as if an asteroid has just landed in her hand. I don’t blame her: there are no stores anymore, no people around, and no place within a hundred miles of here that I could conceivably find such a thing.
I smile down at her. “Santa gave it to me, for you. It’s an early Christmas present.”
She wrinkles her brows. “No, really,” she insists.
I take a deep breath, realizing it’s time to tell her about our new home, about leaving here tomorrow. I try to figure the best way to phrase it. I hope she will be as excited as I am-but with kids, you never know. A part of me worries she might be attached to this place, and not want to leave.
“Bree, I have some big news,” I say, as I lean down and hold her shoulders. “I discovered the most amazing place today, high up. It’s a small, stone cottage, and it’s perfect for us. It’s cozy, and warm, and safe, and it has the most beautiful fireplace, which we can light every night. And best of all, it has all kinds of food right there. Like this chocolate.”
Bree looks back down at the chocolate, studying it, and her eyes open twice as wide as she realizes it’s real. She gently pulls back the wrapper, and smells it. She closes her eyes and smiles, then leans in to take a bite-but suddenly stops herself. She looks up at me in concern.
“What about you?” she asks. “Is there only one bar?”
That’s Bree, always so considerate, even if she’s starving. “You go first,” I say. “It’s okay.”
She pulls the wrapper back, and takes a big bite. Her face, hollowed-out from hunger, crumbles in ecstasy.
“Chew slowly,” I warn. “You don’t want to get a stomach ache.”
She slows down, savoring each bite. She breaks off a big piece and puts it in my palm. “Your turn,” she says.
I slowly put it into my mouth, taking a small bite, letting it sit on the tip of my tongue. I suck on it, then chew it slowly, savoring every moment. The taste and smell of chocolate fills my senses. It is quite possibly the best thing I’ve ever had.
Sasha whines, pushing her nose close to the chocolate, and Bree breaks off a chunk and gives it to her. Sasha snaps it out of her fingers and swallows it in a single gulp. Bree laughs, delighted by her, as always. Then, in an impressive show of self-restraint, Bree wraps up the remaining half of the bar, rationing it. She reaches up and wisely places it way up high on the dresser, out of Sasha’s reach. She still looks weak, but I can see her
spirits starting to return.
“What’s that?” she asks, pointing at my waist.
For a moment I don’t realize what she’s talking about, then I look down and see the teddy bear. In all the excitement, I’d almost forgotten. I reach down and hand it to her.
“I found it in our new home,” I say. “It’s for you.”
Bree’s eyes open wide in excitement as she clutches the bear, wrapping it to her chest and rocking it back and forth.
“I love it!” Bree exclaims, her eyes shining. “When can we move? I can’t wait!”
I am relieved. Before I can respond, Sasha leans in and sticks her nose in Bree’s new teddy bear, sniffing it; Bree rubs it playfully in Sasha’s face, and Sasha snatches it and runs out the room.
“Hey!” Bree yells, erupting in hysterical laughter as she chases after her.
They both run into the living room, already immersed in a tug-of-war over the bear. I’m not sure who enjoys it more.
I follow them in, cupping the candle carefully so that it doesn’t blow out, and bring it right to my pile of kindling. I grab a few of the smaller twigs, place them in the fireplace, then grab a handful of dry leaves from a basket beside the fireplace. I’m glad I collected these last Fall and stored them here, knowing they would serve as great fire-starters. They work like a charm. I place the dry leaves beneath the twigs, light them, and the flame soon reaches up and licks the wood. I keep feeding leaves into the fireplace, until eventually, the twigs are fully caught. I blow out the candle, saving it for another time.
“We’re having a fire?” Bree yells excitedly.
“Yes,” I say. “Tonight’s a celebration. It’s our last night here.”
“Yay!” Bree screams, jumping up and down, and Sasha barks beside her, joining in the excitement. Bree runs over and grabs some of the kindling, helping me as I place it over fire. We place them carefully, allowing space for air, and Bree blows on it, fanning the flames. Once the kindling catches, I place a thicker log on top. I keep stacking bigger logs, until finally, we have a roaring fire.
In moments, the room is alight, and I can already feel its warmth. I stand beside the fire, as do Bree and Sasha, and hold out my hands, rubbing them, letting the warmth penetrate my fingers. Slowly, the feeling starts to return. I feel myself gradually thaw out from the long day outdoors, and I start to feel myself again.
“What’s that?” Bree asks, pointing across the floor. “It looks like a fish!”
She runs over to it and grabs it, picking it up, and it slips right out of her hands. She laughs, and Sasha, not missing a beat, pounces on it with her paws, sliding it across the floor. “Where did you catch it!?” Bree yells.
I reach over and pick it up before Sasha can do more damage, open the door, and throw it outside, into the snow, where it will be better preserved and out of harm’s way, before closing the door behind me.
“That was my other surprise,” I say. “We’re going to have dinner tonight!”
Bree runs over and gives me a big hug. Sasha barks, as if understanding. I hug her back.
“I have two more surprises for you,” I announce with a smile. “They’re for desert. Do you want me to wait till after dinner? Or do you want them now?”
“Now!” she yells, excited.
I smile, excited, too. At least it will hold her over for dinner.
I reach into my pocket and extract the jar of jam. Bree looks at it funny, clearly uncertain, and I unscrew the lid and place it under her nose. “Close your eyes,” I say.
She does. “Now, inhale.”
She breathes deeply, and a smile crosses her face. She opens her eyes.
“It smells like raspberries!” she exclaims.
“It’s jam. Go ahead. Try it.”
Bree reaches in with two fingers, takes a big scoop, and eats it. Her eyes light up.
“Wow,” she says, as she reaches in, takes another big scoop, and holds it up to Sasha, who runs over and without hesitation gulps it down. Bree laughs hysterically, and I tighten the lid and set it up high on the mantle, away from Sasha.
“Is that also from our new house?” she asks.
I nod, relieved to hear that she already considers it our new home.
“And there is one last surprise,” I say. “But this one I’m going to have to save for dinner.”
I extract the thermos from my belt and place it higher up on the mantle, out of her sight, so she can’t see what it is. I can see her craning her neck, and I hide it well. “Trust me,” I say. “It’s gonna be good.”
I don’t want the house to stink like fish, so I decide to brave the cold and prepare the fish outside. I bring my knife and set to work on it, propping it on a tree stump as I kneel down beside it in the snow. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I know enough to realize you don’t eat the head or the tail. So I begin by chopping these off.
Then I figure that we’re not going to eat the fins either, so I chop these off-or the scales, either, so I slice these off as best I can. Then I figure it has to be opened to eat it, so I slice what’s left of it clean in half. It reveals a thick, pink inside, filled with lots of small bones. I don’t know what else to do, so I figure it’s ready to cook.
Before I head in, I feel the need to wash my hands. I just reach down, grab a handful of snow, and rinse my hands with it, grateful for the snow-usually, I have to hike to the closest stream, since we don’t have any running water. I rise, and before going inside, I stop for a second and take in my surroundings. At first I am listening, as I always do, for any signs of noise, of danger. After several seconds, I realize the world is as still as can be. Finally, slowly, I relax, breathe deep, feel the snowflakes on my cheeks, take in the perfect quiet, and realize how utterly beautiful my surroundings are. The towering pines are covered in white, snow falls endlessly from a purple sky, and the world seems perfect, like a fairytale. I can see the glow of the fireplace through the window, and from here, it looks like the coziest place in the world.
I come back inside the house with the fish, closing the door behind me, and it feels good to come into a place so much warmer, with the soft light of the fire reflecting off of everything. Bree has tended the fire well, as she always does, adding logs expertly, and now it roars to even greater heights. She is preparing place settings on the floor, beside the fireplace, with knives and forks from the kitchen. Sasha sits attentively beside her, watching her every move.
I carry the fish over to the fire. I don’t really know how to cook it, so I figure I’ll just put it over the fire for a while, let it roast, turn it over a few times, and hope that works. Bree reads my mind: she immediately heads to the kitchen and returns with a sharp knife and two long skewers. She slices the fish clean in half, sticks one skewer in one and one in the other, handing it to me, and reaches out and roasts her portion over the flame. I follow her lead. Bree’s domestic instincts have always been superior to mine, and I’m grateful for her help. We have always been a good team.
We both stand there, staring at the flames, transfixed, holding our half of the fish over the fire until our arms grow heavy. The smell of fish fills the room, and after about ten minutes I get a pain in my stomach and grow impatient with hunger. I decide mine is done; after all, I figure people eat raw fish sometimes, so how bad could it be? Bree seems to agree, and we each put our portion on our plate and sit on the floor, beside each other, our backs to the couch and our feet to the fire.
“Careful,” I warn. “There are still lots of bones inside.”
I pull out the bones, and Bree does the same. Once I clear enough of them, I take a small chunk of the pink fish meat, hot to the touch, and eat it, bracing myself.
It actually tastes good. It could use salt, or some kind of seasoning, but at least it tastes cooked, and fresh as can be. I can feel the much-needed protein enter my body. Bree wolfs hers down, too, and I can see the relief on her face. Sasha sits beside her, staring, licking her lips, and Bree chooses a big chunk, carefully de-b
ones it and feeds it to Sasha. Sasha chews it thoroughly and swallows it, then licks her chops and stares back, eager for more.
“Sasha, here,” I say.
She comes running over, and I take a portion of my fish, de-bone it, and feed her; she swallows it down in seconds. Before I know it, my portion is gone-as is Bree’s-and I am surprised to feel my stomach growling again. I already wish I had caught more. Still, this was a bigger dinner than we’d had in weeks, and I try to force myself to be content with what we have.
Then I remember the sap. I jump up, remove the thermos from its hiding place and hold it out to Bree.
“Go ahead,” I smile, “the first sip is yours.”
“What is it?” she asks, unscrewing it and holding it to her nose. “It doesn’t smell like anything.”
“It’s maple sap,” I say. “It’s like sugar water. But better.”
She tentatively sips, then looks at me, eyes open wide in delight. “It’s delicious!” she cries. She takes several big sips, then stops and hands it to me. I can’t resist taking several big sips myself. I feel the sugar rush. I lean over and carefully pour some into Sasha’s bowl; she laps it all up and seems to like it, too.
But I am still starving. In a rare moment of weakness, I think of the jar of jam and figure, why not? After all, I assume there’s lots more of it in that cottage on the mountaintop-and if this night isn’t cause to celebrate, then when is?
I bring down the mason jar, unscrew it, reach in with my finger, and take out a big heaping. I place it on my tongue and let it sit in my mouth as long as I can before swallowing. It’s heavenly. I hold out the rest of the jar, still half-full, to Bree. “Go ahead,” I say, “finish it. There’s more in our new house.”
Bree’s eyes open wide as she reaches out. “Are you sure?” she asks. “Shouldn’t we save it?”