by Morgan Rice
“I know exactly what I’m fighting for: to hold our nation together.”
“Oh, well, excuse me, Mister America,” she screamed back at him. “You can justify this in your head anyway you want, but the truth is, you’re leaving because you can’t stand me. Because you never knew how to handle domestic life. Because you’re too stupid to make something of your life after the Corps. So you jump up and run off at the first opportunity-”
Dad stopped her with a hard slap across the face. I can still hear the noise in my head.
I was shocked; I’d never seen him lay a hand on her before. I felt the wind rush out of me, as if I’d been slapped myself. I looked at him, and almost didn’t recognize him. Was that really my father? I was so stunned that I dropped my book, and it landed with a thud.
They both turned and looked at me, alerted to my presence. Mortified, I turned and ran down the hall, to my bedroom, and slammed the door behind me. I didn’t know how to react to it all, and just had to get away from them.
Moments later, there was a soft knock on my door.
“Brooke, it’s me,” Dad said in a soft, remorseful voice. “I’m sorry you had to see that. Please, let me in.”
“Go away!” I yelled back.
A long silence followed. But he still didn’t leave.
“Brooke, I have to leave now. I’d like to see you one last time before I go. Please. Come out and say goodbye.”
I started to cry.
“Go away!” I snapped again. I was so overwhelmed, so mad at him for hitting Mom, and even more mad at him for leaving us. And deep down, I was so scared that he would never come back.
“I’m leaving now, Brooke,” he said. “You don’t have to open the door. But I want you to know how much I love you. And that I’ll always be with you. Remember, Brooke, you’re the tough one. Take care of this family. I’m counting on you. Take care of them.”
And then I heard my father’s footsteps, walking away. They grew softer and softer. Moments later I heard the front door open, then close.
And then, nothing.
Minutes-it felt like days-later, I slowly opened my door. I already sensed it. He was gone. And I already regretted it; I wished I’d said goodbye. Because I already sensed, deep down, that he was never coming back.
Mom sat there, at the kitchen table, head in her hands, crying softly. I knew that things had changed permanently that day, that they would never be the same-that she would never be the same. And that I wouldn’t, either.
And I was right. As I sit here now, staring into the embers of the dying fire, my eyes heavy, I realize that since that day, nothing has ever been the same again.
I am standing in our old apartment, in Manhattan. I don’t know what I’m doing here, or how I got here. Nothing seems to make sense, because the apartment is not at all as I remember. It is completely empty of furniture, as if we had never lived in it. I’m the only one here.
There is a sudden knock on the door, and in walks Dad, in full uniform, holding a briefcase. He has a hollow look to his eyes, as if he has just been to hell and back.
“Daddy!” I try to scream. But the words don’t come out. I look down and realize that I am glued to the floor, hidden behind a wall, and that he can’t see me. As much as I struggle to break free, to run to him, to call out his name, I cannot. I’m forced to watch helplessly, as he walks into the empty apartment, looking all around.
“Brooke?” he yells out. “Are you here? Is anybody home?”
I try to answer again, but my voice won’t work. He searches room to room.
“I said I’d come back,” he says. “Why didn’t anyone wait for me?”
Then, he breaks into tears.
My heart breaks, and I try with all I have to call out to him. But no matter how hard I try, nothing comes out.
He finally turns and leaves the apartment, gently closing the door behind him. The click of the handle reverberates in the emptiness.
“DADDY!” I scream, finally finding my voice.
But it is too late. I know he is gone forever, and somehow it is all my fault.
I blink, and the next thing I know I am back in the mountains, in Dad’s house, sitting in his favorite chair beside the fire. Dad is sitting there, on the couch, and he leans forward, head down, playing with his Marine Corps knife. I am horrified to notice that half his face is melted away, all the way to the bone; I can actually see half his skull.
He looks up at me, and I am afraid.
“You can’t hide here forever, Brooke,” he says, in a measured tone. “You think you’re safe here. But they’ll come for you. Take Bree and hide.”
He rises to his feet, comes over to me, grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me, his eyes burning with intensity. “DID YOU HEAR ME, SOLDIER!?” he screams.
He disappears, and as he does, all the doors and windows crash open at once, in a cacophony of shattered glass.
Into our house rush a dozen slaverunners, guns drawn. They’re dressed in their signature all-black uniforms, from head to toe, with black facemasks, and they race to every corner of the house. One of them grabs Bree off the couch and carries her away, screaming, while another runs right up to me, digs his fingers into my arm and aims his pistol right to my face.
He fires.
I wake screaming, disoriented.
I feel fingers digging into my arm, and confused between my dream state and reality, I am ready to strike. I look over and see that it’s Bree, standing there, shaking my arm.
I am still sitting in Dad’s chair, and now the room is flooded with sunlight. Bree is crying, hysterical.
I blink several times as I sit up, trying to get my bearings. Was it all just a dream? It had felt so real.
“I had a scary dream!” Bree cries, still gripping my arm.
I look over and see the fire has gone out long ago. I see the bright sunlight, and realize it must be late morning. I can’t believe I have fallen asleep in the chair-I have never done this before.
I shake my head, trying to get the cobwebs out. That dream felt so real, it’s still hard to believe it didn’t happen. I’ve dreamt of Dad before, many times, but never anything with such immediacy. I find it hard to conceive that he’s not still in the room with me now, and I look around the room again, just to make sure.
Bree tugs on my arm, inconsolable. I have never seen her quite like this, either.
I kneel down and give her a hug. She clings to me.
“I dreamed these mean men came and took me away! And you weren’t here to save me!” Bree cries, over my shoulder. “Don’t go!” she pleads, hysterical. “Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me!”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I say, hugging her tight. “Shhh…. It’s OK…. There’s nothing to worry about. Everything is fine.”
But deep down, I can’t help feeling that everything is not fine. On the contrary. My dream really disturbs me, and Bree’s having such a bad dream, too-and about the same thing-doesn’t give me much solace. I’m not a big believer in omens, but I can’t help wondering if it’s all a sign. But I don’t hear any kind of noise or commotion, and if there was anybody with a mile of here, surely I would know.
I lift Bree’s chin, wiping her tears. “Take a deep breath,” I say.
Bree listens, slowly catching her breath. I force myself to smile. “See,” I say. “I’m right here. Nothing’s wrong. It was just a bad dream. Okay?”
Slowly, Bree nods.
“You’re just overtired,” I said. “And you have a fever. So you had bad dreams. It’s all going to be fine.”
As I kneel there, hugging Bree, I realize that I need to get going, to climb the mountain and scout out our new house, and to find us food. My stomach drops as I consider breaking the news to Bree, and how she’ll react. Clearly, my timing couldn’t be worse. How can I possibly tell her that I need to leave her now? Even if only for an hour or two? A part of me wants to stay here, to watch over her all day; yet I also know that I need to go, and that
the sooner I get it over with, the safer we will be. I can’t just sit here all day and do nothing, waiting for nightfall. And I can’t risk changing the plan and moving us during daylight, just because of our silly dreams.
I pull Bree back, stroking her hair out of her face, smiling as sweetly as I can. I muster the strongest, most adult voice that I can.
“Bree, I need you to listen to me,” I say. “I need to go out now, just for a little while-”
“NO!” she wails. “I KNEW it! It’s just like my dream! You’re going to leave me! And you’re never going to come back!”
I hold her shoulders firmly, trying to console her.
“It’s not like that,” I say firmly. “I just need to go for an hour or two. I just need to make sure our new house is safe for our move tonight. And I need to hunt for food. Please, Bree, understand. I would bring you with me, but you are too sick right now, and you need to rest. I’ll be back in just a few hours. I promise. And then tonight, we’ll go up there together. And do you know what the best part is?”
She looks up at me slowly, still crying, and eventually shakes her head.
“Starting tonight, we’ll be up there together, safe and sound, and have a fire every night, and all the food you want. And I can hunt and fish and do everything I need to right there, in front of the cottage. I’ll never have to leave you again.”
“And Sasha can come, too?” she asks, through her tears.
“And Sasha, too,” I say. “I promise. Please, trust me. I’ll be back for you. I would never leave you.”
“Do you promise?” she asks.
I muster all the solemnity I can, and look her dead in the eyes.
“I promise,” I reply.
Bree’s crying slows and eventually, she nods, seeming satisfied.
It breaks my heart, but I quickly lean in, plant a kiss on her forehead, then get up, cross the room and walk out the door. I know that if I stay for just one second more, I’ll never summon the resolve to leave.
And as the door reverberates behind me, I just can’t shake the sickening feeling that I’ll never see my sister again.
THREE
I hike straight up the mountain in the bright light of morning, an intense light shining off the snow. It is a white universe. The sun shines so strongly, I can barely see in the glare. I would do anything for a pair of sunglasses, or a baseball cap.
Today is thankfully windless, warmer than yesterday, and as I hike, I hear the snow melting all around me, trickling in small streams downhill and dropping in big clumps off of pine branches. The snow is softer, too, and walking is easier.
I check back over my shoulder, survey the valley spread out below, and see that the roads are partially visible again in the morning sun. This worries me, but then I chide myself, annoyed that I am allowing myself to be disturbed by omens. I should be tougher. More rational, like Dad.
My hood is up, but as I lower my head to the wind, which grows stronger the higher I get, I wish I’d worn my new scarf. I bunch my hands and rub them, wishing for gloves, too, and double my speed. I am resolved to get there quickly, scout out the cottage, search for that deer, and hurry back down to Bree. Maybe I’ll salvage a few more jars of jam, too; that will cheer Bree up.
I follow my tracks from yesterday, still visible in the melting snow, and this time, the hike is easier. Within about twenty minutes, I’m back to where I was the day before, rounding the highest plateau.
I am sure I am in the same place as yesterday, but as I look for the cottage, I can’t find it. It is so well hidden that, even though I know where to look, I still can’t see it. I start to wonder if I’m in the right place. I continue on, following my footsteps, until I get to the exact spot I stood the day before. I crane my neck, and finally, I spot it. I’m amazed at how well-concealed it is, and am even more encouraged about living here.
I stand and listen. All is silent save for the sound of the trickling stream. I check the snow carefully, looking for any signs of prints going in or out (aside from mine), since yesterday. I find none.
I walk up to the door, stand in front of the house and do a 360, scanning the woods in every direction, checking the trees, looking for any signs of disturbance, any evidence that anyone else has been here. I stand for at least a minute, listening. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Finally, I am satisfied, relieved that this place is truly ours, and ours alone.
I pull back the heavy door, jammed by the snow, and bright light floods the interior. As I duck my head and enter, I feel as if I’m seeing it for the first time in the light. It is as small and cozy as I remember. I see that it has original, wide-plank wood flooring, which looks to be at least a hundred years old. It is quiet in here. The small, open windows on either side let in a good deal of light, too.
I scan the room in the light, looking for anything I might have overlooked-but find nothing. I look down and find the handle to the trap door, kneel down and yank it open. It opens up with a whirl of dust, which swims in the sunlight.
I scramble down the ladder, and this time, with all the reflected light, I have a much better view of the stash down here. There must be hundreds of jars. I spot several more jars of raspberry jam, and grab two of them, cramming one in each pocket. Bree will love this. So will Sasha.
I do a cursory scan of the other jars, and see all sorts of foods: pickles, tomatoes, olives, sauerkraut. I also see several different flavors of jams, with at least a dozen jars of each. There is even more in the back, but I don’t have time to look carefully. Thoughts of Bree are weighing heavily on my mind.
I scramble up the ladder, close the trap door and hurry out the cottage, closing the front door tight behind me. I stand there and survey my surroundings again, bracing myself for anyone who may have been watching. I am still afraid this is all too good to be true. But once again, there is nothing. Maybe I’ve just become too on-edge.
I head off in the direction where I spotted the deer, about thirty yards away. As I reach it, I take out Dad’s hunting knife, and hold it at my side. I know it’s a long shot for me to see it again, but maybe this animal, like me, is a creature of habit. If I should be lucky enough to see it again, there’s no way I’m fast enough to chase it down, or quick enough to pounce-nor do I have a gun or any real hunting weapons. But the way I see it, I do have one chance, and that is my knife. I’ve always been proud of my ability to hit a bull’s-eye thirty yards away. Knife-throwing was the one skill of mine that Dad always seemed impressed by-at least impressed enough to never try to correct or improve me. Instead, he took credit for it, saying my talent was due to him. In reality, though, he couldn’t throw a knife half as well as I could.
I kneel in the place I was before, hiding behind a tree, watching the plateau, holding the knife in my hand, waiting. Praying. All I hear is the sound of the wind.
I run through in my head what I will do if I see it: I will slowly stand, take aim, and throw the knife. I first think I will aim for its eye, but then decide to aim for its throat: if I miss by a few inches, then there will still be a chance of hitting it somewhere. If my hands aren’t too frozen, and if I’m accurate, I figure that maybe, just maybe, I can wound it. But I realize those are all big “ifs.”
Minutes pass. It feels like ten, twenty, thirty…. The wind dies, then reappears in gusts, and as it does, I feel the fine flakes of snow being blown off the trees and into my face. As more time passes, I grow colder, more numb, and I begin to wonder if this is a bad idea. I get another sharp hunger pain, though, and know that I have to try. I will need all the protein I can get to make this move happen-especially if I’m going to push that motorcycle uphill.
But after nearly an hour of waiting, I am utterly frozen. I debate whether to just give it up and head back down the mountain. Maybe, instead, I should try to fish again.
I decide to get up and walk around, to circulate my limbs and keep my hands nimble; if I had to use them now, they’d probably be useless. As I rise to my feet my kn
ees and back ache from stiffness. I begin to walk in the snow, starting with small steps. I lift and bend my knees, twist my back left and right. I stick the knife back in my belt, then rub my hands over each other, blowing on them again and again, trying to restore the feeling.
Suddenly, I freeze. In the distance, a twig snaps, and I sense motion.
I turn slowly. There, over the hilltop, a deer comes into view. It steps slowly, tentatively, in the snow, gently lifting its hooves and placing them down. It lowers its head, chews on a leaf, then slowly takes another step forward.
My heart pounds with excitement. It is exactly what I’d been praying for. I rarely feel that Dad is with me, but today, I do. I can hear his voice in my head now: Steady. Breathe slowly. Don’t let it know you’re here. Focus. If I can bring down this animal, it will be food-real food-for Bree and Sasha and I for at least a week. We need this.
It takes a few more steps into the clearing and I get a better view of it: a large deer, it stands maybe thirty yards away. I’d feel a lot more confident if it were standing ten yards away, or even twenty. I don’t know if I can hit it at this distance. If it were warmer out, and if it wasn’t moving, then yes. But my hands are numb, the deer is moving, and there are so many trees in the way. I just don’t know. I do know that if I miss it, it will never come back here again.
I wait, studying it, afraid to spook it. I will for it to come closer. But it doesn’t seem to want to.
I debate what to do. I can charge it, getting as close as I can, then throw. But I realize that would be stupid: after just one yard, it would surely bolt. I wonder if I should try to creep up on it. But I doubt that will work, either. The slightest noise, and it will be gone.
So I stand there, debating. I take one small step forward, positioning myself to throw the knife, in case I need to. And that one small step is my mistake.
A twig snaps beneath my feet, and the deer immediately lifts its head and turns to me. We lock eyes. I know that it sees me, and that it’s about to bolt. My heart pounds, as I know this is my only chance. My mind freezes up.