by Pamela Ann
Most of the guests milled in the backyard where the party thrived, so when I made the beeline for the front door, there weren’t many people around. Pleased that none of the people I knew were there to witness my cowardly action, I immediately shut the door behind me before taking a few steps before seeing River stood right on the pavement, deep in thought while smoking a cigarette.
Fuck, my entire system halted from functioning as I took in his form. He still had that scruffy look about him, and more beautiful than ever. He wasn’t just River anymore. In my eyes, he was Hailey’s man.
My eyes misted at the thought of that before it droned toward the cigarette at his lips. When did he start that awful habit?
Just before I could retrace my steps, River caught sight of me, turning me into a scattered mess. My mind went mad while my heart thumped in pain. With every breath I took, it didn’t lessen the sting of losing him for the second time.
“Cara,” he said in surprise, not expecting to find me out here. He took a few steps, leaving about five feet on gap between us.
I badly wanted to crawl and hide, but my pride made me stand my ground. “I’m waiting for my ride. It won’t be long, so don’t mind me. Just do what you have to do. We don’t have to do this … Small talk, I mean.”
Somehow, River seemed too dense to care about what I tried to convey. He had an odd expression on his face. It was difficult to decipher. It was in the middle of being sheepish and nonchalance.
“I guess you, uh, saw us inside then?”
It was crass of him to even ask. Anyone in the vicinity observed his insatiable appetite. There was no need to get a confirmation from your ex. Unless he wanted feedback. Was that what he aimed for?
“What’d you think, River?” My shaky voice came out with more emotions than I had intended. Shit. Why couldn’t he just go on with his life and not bother with small talk?
“What do I think?” His eyes didn’t travel anywhere else; they were stuck staring me down, like I could vanish in a heartbeat. “It doesn’t matter … I never mattered where you were concerned, right, Cara?”
All the pent-up emotions ruptured upon hearing him lay blame at my feet. How dare he?
“Are you fucking out of your mind? Are you really going to head into that bullshit while everyone witnessed you coming out of that bathroom after fucking her?” I spewed my hate with utter disdain, hating and loving him on sight. “You never mattered? Oh, that’s crap! Did I fucking matter when you were surrounded with all those famous people? Did I matter when you missed my birthday because you had to walk her down the red carpet? Or those times I cried because I wouldn’t hear from you for days on end? Did I matter then?
“I was supposed to be your fiancée, but I came last on your priority list. How did you think I felt when I saw those pictures of you kissing Hailey. Tell me, did I matter then?” Reliving those hellish moments never failed to enrage me, yet I took him back, time and time again, even after all the lies. I had loved him enough to believe his lies. And I had loathed myself for that.
“So, don’t you dare stand here and make up all these excuses that you didn’t matter. Stop blaming me for being such a whore! Maybe if you stop for one second and not think with your dick, maybe you wouldn’t be in this position!”
River looked deadly as he locked his jaws. His eyes remained on mine before he took a step, about to close the tiny space between us.
I recoiled at the sight of him being so close. “Don’t you fucking dare! Stay where you are!” I snapped, beyond ballistic at the thought of him touching me. He knew too well that all he had to do was touch me and I would be his for the time being. But no, I wasn’t going to fall into one of his tricks in taming me. We were through, and I intended for it to remain as thus.
He raked his hand over his hair, making him seem more dangerous than before. “Why do you treat me like this? Was I ever this nasty to you after you fucked Kyle?” His eyes were dark ice. I could feel the heat and the cold of them seeping into my bones, slashing me with those fathomless depths. “How long did it take you to jump into his bed each time I left for Ireland, huh? All those times I laid my heart at your feet, you were laughing at me. I can’t fucking get over that!”
“Oh, shut up already!” I bellowed, wanting him to vanish from my sight.
“That’s what I’ve been doing, Cara. I’ve held my tongue, even if I wanted to fucking choke the life out of you because I thought my Cara was different. But you proved that you’ve changed by fucking him, even after everything we’ve been through. God knows I’ve tried everything, but nothing’s ever enough!” His face was inches from mine as he breathed down on me with such intensity I felt faint. “Well, you’ve got what you wished for. I’ve moved on, just as you asked. Does it feel good?”
Why couldn’t he just leave me be and go back to Hailey!
“I hate you! I hate you! I fucking hate you!” I venomously spat back, past caring that we were on the verge of killing each other.
“Good, because that’s all we have left, isn’t it? Devoid of everything … Because fuck, I’m numb with everything else but hate. I’ve got a shit ton of that.”
I felt like I was about to have a breakdown, right here, out on the pavement.
“Stop … just stop.” My plea wasn’t answered as he closed the small gap between us, his breath caressing my skin.
“Look at me. Look at me, damn you!” His loathing cold eyes seemed dead, almost lifeless. “I hope you sleep well knowing that you’ve thrown everything away. This one’s on you, Cara. This one’s definitely you.” He took one breath, then the next, before he cuttingly disconnected his gaze and began walking away, leaving me alone, reeling and wondering what just happened.
This one’s on you, Cara.
His last words hit where it hurt the most. The moment everything unraveled, there was no stopping the tidal wave of pain that was brought upon by my actions. River couldn’t get over that I betrayed him. In his eyes “his Cara” was an angel. And after learning what I had been doing with Kyle, well, the was the nail to the coffin for his love for me.
We were no more. Tonight just cemented that.
This one’s on you, Cara.
He was right, and I wasn’t going to ever forget it.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Is everything okay?” Kyle inquired as he softly trailed his lips around my neck. He came over for dinner and drinks and since both delights had come and gone, he was ready for dessert.
Eyes shut, my pulse was on a steady rhythm as I tried with every fiber in me to concentrate on what Kyle ought to make me feel. But for some reason, the thought of sex didn’t appeal to me. The heightened urge to go cry myself to sleep held a stronger pull than any physical activity.
“It’s that kind of night, huh?” he murmured, sounding more understanding than disappointed. He knew what I had been through, which was why he wasn’t so particularly adamant on sex, though he did keep on trying.
Tonight wasn’t an exception. This was his tenth try in a span of two weeks, all to no avail. My heart was broken, and for the life of me, I seemed to have lacked the capacity on mending it. I had done it once before. This time, though, the wound seemed too deep, my heart too shattered to even dare beat again. I felt dead, lifeless, as those dark fathomless eyes that cursed me right outside Phoenix’s house came to mind.
“How long do you plan to mope in your apartment? You have to speak to him, Cara.” Kyle sighed before leaning back against the couch with his head resting on my shoulder. “I don’t think you’ve noticed, but you’ve lost weight. Whatever’s eating you inside, you have to fix that, pretty one.”
“I just need more time. I’m sure I’ll be okay.” I sounded so hollow that I barely recognized my voice. I hardly had the capacity to convince myself, so I doubted Kyle bought the lies.
How did one say that she didn’t know where to begin? My spirit had all but dissipated, and all I could think about was that tragic moment.
I hope you sle
ep well knowing that you’ve thrown everything away. This one’s on you, Cara. This one’s definitely you.
He plagued me, and now it was I who couldn’t sleep.
Kyle stayed for another hour before leaving for the night. He seemed so worried about me. He believed that if I resolved this conflict with River, I would be in better form. But what he couldn’t comprehend was that I wasn’t ready to speak to River, even on friendly terms.
Him running into Hailey’s arms was an example of how warped this all was. He really wasn’t with her, not in the sense that mattered. His heart yearned for me, but he wouldn’t let his battered ego take his manhood away. So, he ran toward the person who would hurt me the most, just as I broke his heart by sleeping with Kyle. He was out for revenge, and he damn well knew how to serve it to me—cold and rotten.
I had an idea how ugly it could get once he realized what I had done, but never in my twisted mind did I picture this. Never this.
It was perverse that he wanted us both to suffer. One couldn’t have all the happiness while the other suffered, now could they? Oh no, he warmly conjured a sickened web full of endless pain with the both of us miserably sharing our down-rotten fate. It was brilliant in the most heartbreaking way. Fucked up, but beautifully brilliant.
And crazy as it sounded, my love remained steadfast, fiercer than ever. Sometimes I wished our minds could dictate to our hearts. It would make the world a better place with less people impaired from broken hearts inflicted by soulless people who had altered their rose-tinted beliefs in life.
Just as expected, the night haunted me with the same bittersweet memories of the past. Even drinking myself to stupor wouldn’t kill the blasted memories. They came alive and torture me until my heart could bear it no longer.
It was becoming such a wearisome habit, waking up in the afternoon. Wallowing about my misfortunes wasn’t one of the things I liked to exercise, but as stated before, I couldn’t shake away the ill-gotten feeling that festered in my soul.
Still shifting in my bed, I reached out for my phone to check what time it was. Three-thirty. I slept thirty more minutes than yesterday.
I had a missed call from River. Time froze as my once tired eyes vanished while staring at the screen. He called three hours ago, and evidently left a voicemail.
With bated breath, I pressed play.
“Hey, I know I promised never to call you, but I’m hella excited, and you’re the first person I wanted to share the news with that I’m working on an album. It’s crazy, I know. I didn’t think this could happen … but it fucking did. So, yeah, and uh, I’ll be playing at the House of Blues tomorrow. I’ll be playing two songs that are mine, and the rest will be covers. But yeah, will you please come? It’d mean so much to me if you could pop in and give a little support. You’ve always been there in every huge milestone I’ve had. This is another, and I want you there. I need you there.” He paused. “Cara … I hope you’re okay. Well, uh, hope to see you. Good-bye.”
River undoubtedly was ready to pursue his music. I was unquestionably ecstatic to learn that he was about to achieve another dream that he had once longed for.
He had swallowed his pride and called, and by the sound of his voice, the undeniable excitement when he announced that he was making an album, I knew he was going to put his heart, soul, sweat, and blood into his music. He would channel everything in there, creating all the ugliness into something beautiful.
As elated as I was for him, I couldn’t for the life of me decide if I was ready to face him. He was still with Hailey, and she wouldn’t pass a great opportunity for publicity. She would definitely be all over this, like bees to honey.
So, who do I call to relay my present conundrum? I immediately speed-dialed Kyle.
The man took the call after two rings.
“Don’t tell me you’ve just woken up. You’re not a vampire, so you better fix that schedule and join the rest of us normal human beings. It’s been two weeks, Cara. Anyone would agree that your time’s up from mourning your first love. Take a page from my book. I’m still fucked up, but I’m on top of my game. Success is the only thing that might make you feel better. Doesn’t come close, I know, but it’s a good consolation, no less.”
Kyle was a few years older than me, but his advice made sense. However, putting thought into action laid the difficulty.
“Thanks for the insightful advice, Dr. Matthews,” I sarcastically drawled before making a small yawn. “He called and left a voicemail. He’s pursuing music and has a gig tomorrow. He wants me to be there. Any advice on that since you’re on a roll today?”
“Well, are you planning on going?”
“Should I?”
“Don’t you want to see this for yourself? You guys grew up together, so I’m sure you know how much this means to him.”
“But that was before,” I argued, wondering where I would get the wherewithal to sit a few tables down from the woman who I loathed more than anything else.
Instead of celebrating River and his music, I would be focused on Hailey. Besides, what would I say to River if given the chance to speak to him? Yeah, thinking about the whole ordeal made me feel emotionally drained and paralyzed.
“I think he knows that, too, but he still called and invited you. He swallowed his pride and called you. That’s saying a lot.”
“Maybe he just felt obligated ’cause we have mutual friends, and I might hear it from the grapevine.” That could be it, too. Kells would already be Phoenix’s date, and since she didn’t socialize without her friends, she was most likely going to stretch the invite to Anton and I. River basically cut out the middle person out of respect.
“Or maybe you’re just making these excuses because you aren’t ready to move past the anger.”
Seriously, was Kyle on my team or what?
“You sound like you know more than I do. So, tell me, what would you do if you were in my place?”
“I wouldn’t even think twice, Cara.” There was no hesitation. “But you’re not me.”
“Well, thank God for that!” I meant about him not being me. “I hate when life puts you in situations where it lets you choose whether you prefer to chop off your own finger or your heart. But enough about me. Where are you, anyway?” The background was loud.
“I’m at the airport, waiting to board a flight. I have to fly out to New York. We’re having a problem with a client who wants to get out of a five-year contract. It’s complicated.”
Complicated indeed. “Well, good luck with that. Safe travels to you, Dr. Matthews.” I smiled as I bid him good-bye. The man had a way of lifting my spirits. And, at times, he had a manner of making me feel naive and juvenile.
River left me with a lot to ponder. And when Anton came over to announce that he would be attending, my answer should have been clear then, but I was still deep in contemplation.
The day came and went, and by the time dawn rolled in, my decision hadn’t been made. By mid-afternoon, even though I hadn’t made up my mind, I took it upon myself to shower, priming myself in any case I might really want to see him play.
Before Anton left to dine with Kells and Phoenix, he dropped in to double-check if I would change my mind and join them.
“I haven’t decided yet,” I said as I gripped the lapels of my robe, feeling out of my element. “Call me when you do. We’ll come on by to get you, okey-doke?” Anton kissed my cheek before giving me the tightest of hugs.
I merely nodded before bidding him good-bye.
It took me ages to figure out what I wanted, and when I did, there was only half an hour left before he was set to start. Hastily dressing myself with white jeans and a V-neck shirt before slipping into my new red booties, I rushed out the door.
“I’ll stay for the first two songs, then I’ll just dip out,” I muttered to myself as I pulled into traffic.
Had I decided an hour ago, I wouldn’t be in such haste. It took me forever to get there, but thank God I made it just in time.
; Upon entering the known establishment, I stood paralyzed as I watched the man I loved from afar. He was on stage with his guitar and the biggest smile I had seen on his face. This was a proud moment, and I was almost in tears seeing how honored he was. And mind you, the man looked beyond deliciously gorgeous. I had the damnedest time tearing my eyes off him.
“How’s everyone tonight?” he asked into the microphone before his eyes began to scan the crowd, as if looking for someone.
“Give ’em hell, baby!” Hailey howled from the crowd, blonde hair flailing about her excited form. She was a bubble of enthusiasm, and I wanted to poke a needle in her and burst her blasted bubble into thin air.
Hatefully scrutinizing that wretched wench made me want to vomit. For the life of me, I couldn’t take another step and join the rest of my friends. I thought I was brave enough to ignore Hailey while she looked up at River with her hands together on her chest, gazing up at him like she was in love with a god.
Why did I bother? Because you can’t resist. You want to be there, too.
He had asked for my support, and I freely gave it. But putting myself through this arduous process of almost being friendly to his girlfriend would be overkill. And so, I retracted my cowardly steps back to my car and drove off.
It was a shameful thing to be in my position. My heart couldn’t take it.
At home, I sulked in bed with a pint of coffee frozen yogurt while watching Rose and Jack make love on screen. Then, of course, I cried myself to sleep. I was miserable.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“You don’t sound good. Guess that means you didn’t go, huh?” Kyle observed from the wretched tone of my voice.
Pulling a pillow somewhere, I placed it over my head before grumbling, “Thanks for waking me up. My life really must be that interesting if you’re keen to know.”
He chuckled. “Let’s just say I really like you. Fuck, I want you for myself, but this isn’t about me. If you can fix this, you really should before it’s too late.”