“Try to kill myself again?”
And with those words, the words that had never been spoken between us, I felt both a terror and a release. A terror for the fear that merely saying the words would cause them to happen. Release for the realization that by not saying them, I hadn’t actually taken a breath in a long while.
Darby scooted even closer. “Mallory. You don’t have to be scared. I’m sad right now, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I’m not going to kill myself. That part of my life is over. Do you hear me?”
I did, but now that the words were out, I didn’t want to stop talking about it. “That day. I thought you were already dead.”
Darby grabbed me and squeezed. “I’m so sorry that you found me like that. I wasn’t thinking about you, or anybody else. I was only thinking about myself. That must have been horrible for you. I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry, Mallory. What I did, that one stupid decision, it derailed us all, didn’t it?”
I nodded.
“I feel like I’ve taken so much from you. Please forgive me.” Darby wiped at her tears. And even though I had never wanted an apology from her, at that moment I saw that maybe I needed one.
“But Mallory, hear me when I say this. Even if I had died that day, it wouldn’t have been your fault. You can’t be responsible for someone else’s decisions—the bad ones or the good ones. You don’t have to protect me anymore. I’m not your job or your responsibility. I’m your big sister, and I’m supposed to be here for you. And I will be. From now on.”
“Mom’ll be mad at me. For talking to you,” I told her.
“Mom has her own issues to work through, and those aren’t your problem either. Let’s just concentrate on the things that are your problems.”
“Okay.”
“Let’s start with Liam, since he’s the easiest.”
“Easiest? He started this whole mess.”
Darby shook her head. “No, my dear, he was just the one who made it public. The mess was all yours. So cut him some slack. After all, I forgave you for going public with my secret.”
Good point.
“I still can’t believe you made up a boyfriend just to hide being a virgin. I mean, I’m really glad you’re not sleeping around like I was, but I’m surprised you did it that way.”
“Well, that was mostly because of you.”
Darby looked surprised. “Me?”
“At first I just didn’t want to, but then all that stuff happened with you, and I don’t know, it didn’t seem like having sex was worth the risk. Todd made it easier for me to avoid any pressure to do it.”
Tears started slipping down Darby’s cheeks, and I panicked. Did I say too much? I tried to think of a way to end the conversation when Darby squeezed my hand.
“Thanks for that,” she said.
“For what? I didn’t do anything.”
“Trust me, you did. And I don’t have any advice about Tess or what to do at school, but I promise I’ll think about it. And I’ll be praying for you.” Darby reached over and hugged me, then left the room.
Strange.
Not only did I not know what to do, but my mom was going to freak when she found out that I’d confided in Darby.
Having a mom who works in the school system is a major disadvantage. Other kids could skip school and get away with it. Not me.
Mom pounded on my door at precisely 3:45. “Mallory. Are you in there? You’d better be violently ill.” She pushed open the door.
“Now you’re skipping school, too?”
“I’m sick,” I said. Then I coughed.
“Yeah. Your principal said that you were part of some school-wide vandalism? Are you kidding me? Does this have anything to do with Darby?”
Darby? I couldn’t help myself. I got mad.
“Darby? Darby? Why does everything always come back to Darby? The world doesn’t revolve around Darby, Mom.”
“I don’t think the world…”
“Yes, you do. We all revolve around her like some crazy merry-go-round. It’s all about making sure everything is nice and calm, that things aren’t too stressful, that we stay upbeat. That we pretend that everything is perfect. Well, my life is about as messed up as I can possibly make it right now, and I can’t fix any of it. I can’t be upbeat or calm or nice.”
Mom stared at me, surprised at my outburst, I guess.
“And just for the record, I didn’t vandalize anything.” I pushed past her and ran down the stairs and straight out the front door.
I automatically walked toward Tess’s house, knowing she would still be at practice. There were no cars in the driveway, so I sat on her front porch.
A group of kids were playing hockey in the street, yelling and having fun. I watched them for a while and fiddled with my new phone while I tried to figure out what I could say to Tess.
“She’s not here.”
I looked up to see Tess’s neighbor lady standing on the driveway wearing a bright-blue running suit and lots of jewelry. She walked over and sat beside me.
“I’m Kay Baker, I don’t think I formally introduced myself the other day.” She held out her hand, and I shook it.
“Mallory Dane.”
“I take it Tess still isn’t talking to you? Well, let’s see where I can fill you in. Mrs. Howard is at a rehab facility over in Orange County.”
“That’s good, right? I mean, she’s not in jail or anything.”
“Yes, that’s good. If she’s willing to take the help she needs. It’s really up to her. Tess and Ashley are staying with Ralph and me for the time being.”
“I thought they might be, but I didn’t know for sure.”
Kay nodded. “Ralph and I never had kids, so it’s sort of like getting to be grandparents for the first time.”
“So she’s okay? Everything’s okay then?”
Kay smiled at me and patted my hand. “Yes, it was all for the best. But Tess, she’s having a hard time. She’s been in charge and on her own for so long. It’s a big change for her, and I’m not sure she likes it.”
I could understand that.
“Mallory, you did the right thing. No matter how Tess feels about it, you did right by her. You were a true friend.” Kay hugged me and stood up to leave. “Tess’ll be back soon if you want to wait over at the house.”
“Thanks, I’ll wait here.”
Kay waved and walked away.
If what I did was good, then why did I still feel so bad?
I waited around until I saw Tess’s Jeep pull into her driveway. She climbed out and slammed the door, staring at me.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice was sharp.
“Waiting for you.”
“Then you wasted your time.” Tess threw her bag over her shoulder and walked toward the Bakers’ house.
“Tess, please. Please. You’ve got to talk to me.”
Tess whirled around. “I trusted you.”
“I know.”
“I asked you not to tell anyone, and you stabbed me in the back.”
“I know.”
“I didn’t want this.”
“I know. I know you didn’t want help, but you needed it, Tess. It was too much for you, and whether you hate me forever or not, I’m glad I told. Because now your mom is getting help, and you’ve got someone to watch out for you. I know it’s not what you wanted, but it’s what you needed.”
Tess’s face looked angry for a second, then her shoulders relaxed a bit and her bag slipped to the ground.
“The Bakers seem really nice,” I went on. “Even they knew you needed help, and they barely know you. I’m your friend, Tess. Friends fight, and they make mistakes, but real friends help each other, even when it risks everything.”
Tess’s scowl slipped into something sadder, but she didn’t say anything. I took a few cautious steps toward her, thinking that at any minute she was going to turn and storm away. But she didn’t. I got all the way over to her before she started crying.
&
nbsp; She covered her face with her hands and sobbed, and I wrapped my arms around her. She didn’t pull away.
After several minutes she began wiping her face, collecting herself.
“I’m sorry, Tess.”
“Why? You just said you were glad you did it. So which is it? Are you sorry or are you glad?” A smile was playing at the corners of her lips.
“Glad.”
She let out a short laugh. “I guess I can live with that.”
“Good.”
“I mean, it could be worse. At least I’m not a virgin.” She smirked and gave me a small shove.
CHAPTER 19
“You let Samantha Morgan interview you? You’re insane.” Tess was sitting on the floor in the basement of the Bakers’ house. She and Ashley had a nice spread. There were two bedrooms and a small living area. It was a little dark but comfortable. And safe.
“I thought it would be better to tell her the truth rather than have her print the rumors.”
“Yeah, I get that, but why not let it all just go away?”
I thought about that. “Something you said, actually. You said I shouldn’t be ashamed. It’s not like I’m the only virgin in the school.”
Tess shrugged. “But you don’t have to make us nonvirgins feel like sluts either.”
“How am I doing that? I never called anyone a slut.”
“I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose. But that’s the way it feels.”
“Great.”
Tess stirred the ice in her cup. “But you know, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have slept with Alex.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Not that I’d go announce it in the school paper or anything.”
We ate dinner with the Bakers, and then Tess drove me home. My good mood dissipated the closer we got to my house. I was beyond happy that Tess and I were okay and that she was safe. But I still had a lot to deal with in my family. I knew my mom would be mad about my blowup, but I was glad I did that, too. I had gotten so used to not saying what was really on my mind that it felt good to finally let it all out.
Regardless of the consequences.
When I walked into the house, I found Mom, Dad, and Darby sitting at the kitchen table with coffee mugs in their hands.
Darby’s face brightened when I came in. “Mallory, come sit with us.”
I walked over but eyed my mom to see what kind of mood she was in. She looked more sad than angry, and she barely glanced up from her coffee cup as I sat down.
“We wanted to talk with you,” Darby said.
Despite her smile, a shot of fear sliced through me.
“It’s not healthy for us to tiptoe around one another, and I certainly don’t want anyone tiptoeing around me anymore. I’m so thankful for each of you, for helping me and getting me through the last year; but it’s time I stood up and became a part of this family again.”
“You’ve always been part of this family,” Mom said quietly.
“Only the part you’d let me see. I don’t want to be coddled anymore. And I have Mallory to thank for that,” Darby said.
Dad winked at me, and Darby squeezed my hand.
“And I’ve already called Brian to see if we could get together for a talk. I’m going to tell him everything, and whatever happens, happens. My past is my past. I’m not going to let it control me, but I’m not going to try and hide it anymore either. Okay?”
Her question was directed at Mom, who nodded just a little, as if it was what she was supposed to do rather than what she wanted to do. But Darby seemed to accept it.
“Now, Mallory, did you get to see Tess?”
I shared what I felt comfortable sharing, but the whole conversation was weird. Like we all weren’t sure how to behave now that the old rules had been thrown aside. Especially Mom.
I woke up Wednesday morning knowing that not only would the article be out, but that I was going to have to deal with ditching school and practice.
Tess picked me up, which gave me exactly the boost I needed. I could face down the world with Tess at my side.
The school paper wasn’t exactly an exciting commodity at school. I rarely even looked at it. Mostly, they just sat in piles around the building. But when we walked into school, I swear, every single person I saw had one in his or her hand. Tess snatched the last one off the floor by the door.
On the front page was a picture of me cheering. The headline read, “The Virgin Cheerleader Tells All.”
Another cheerleader threw a balled-up newspaper at my face before I read the first line. Tess grabbed the paper off the floor and threw it back at her like a major-league pitcher.
“I can’t believe you did this on purpose.” Tess shook her head.
We walked down the hallway, where the words on the lockers were faint but still visible. Apparently permanent markers are hard to get out. The lockers would probably have to be painted over. At my locker, another word had been written over the top of virgin, and it wasn’t a nice one.
“You’re lots of things, Mallory, but you’re not that.” Tess pulled a marker from her bag and scribbled over the word the best she could. I opened my locker, glancing around masochistically—noticing only the scowls.
Greg walked by with a bunch of his friends, pointing at me and then at himself. He laughed as if he had done the funniest thing in the world and high-fived his friends.
“Jerks.”
I closed my locker, and there was Liam.
Tess bailed. “I’ll see you later.”
“Hey, you.” Liam had a paper in his hand. “Impressive.”
“I was kind of forced into it.”
Liam leaned his head and shoulder on a locker. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll tattoo it on my face if it would help.”
I looked into those chocolate eyes of his and decided that the more allies I had, the better. Besides, we all make mistakes, right? I stepped a little closer and brushed his hair out of his eyes. “No tattoos necessary.” He tilted his head, and I smiled at him.
That was all the encouragement he needed. He slipped his arm around me and pulled me close, kissing me briefly, right on the lips.
I heard catcalls and words tossed around us, but I didn’t care. For that moment it was just us.
I could almost tell whether someone was a virgin or not by how he or she reacted to me that day. Smiles = virgin. Scowls = everyone else.
I probably would have left school if it wasn’t for Tess and Liam staying by my side. Before I got changed, I went to go find Tara. I was moving right along with Steps 10 and 11, and I owed Tara an apology.
She was talking with her best friend, Kasey.
“I’m sorry for missing practice yesterday. I wasn’t feeling well.”
Tara stood up and narrowed her eyes at me as if she didn’t believe me. “Do you have a doctor’s note?”
“No, I… uh…”
“Cut her some slack, Tara. It can’t be easy for her right now,” Kasey said. Kasey smiled at me sympathetically.
“Why should I? We all have the same rules and expectations. I don’t know if she should stay on the squad at all.”
I grew very still, as if any sudden movement might make her kick me off. I really loved cheerleading. I loved being on varsity and wearing my uniform and performing for the crowds. I didn’t want it taken away.
Tara slammed a locker closed. “We have zero tolerance for ditching practice. You know that, Kasey.” Tara stood up and pointed at me. “I don’t care what kind of drama it is. Everyone has to be here every day, unless excused by a doctor. You’re suspended until further notice.” She stormed away, and I just stood there.
Kasey closed her locker. “I’m sorry. I’ll try and talk to her.”
I walked to the last bank of lockers, where Tess was tying her shoes, and dropped down next to her.
“Tara suspended me.”
“What? Why?”
I filled Tess in.
“This sucks,” she said. �
��You’ll still help me with the fund-raiser, won’t you?”
“Of course.” I had to convince Tess not to do anything rash and just go to practice. I appreciated the solidarity, but I was secretly hoping that Tara would feel one game was punishment enough.
Liam was sitting in the lobby working on homework. He glanced up and jumped to his feet.
“You’re really early. What’s wrong?” he asked.
I told him what happened.
He hugged me and smiled. “Let’s get out of here.”
He took my hand and practically dragged me to his car. Despite me asking over and over, he refused to tell me where we were going.
I was being whisked away. I liked it.
A few minutes later he pulled into the parking lot of SkateWorld.
“Roller-skating?” I asked.
“It’s like ice-skating, only warmer.”
Liam got out, and I followed him to the door. “It’s closed,” I said.
Liam just grinned and pulled open the door.
“Now you’re breaking and entering? It’s closed,” I repeated.
Liam turned to me. “It’s fine. My friend Ben, his family owns the place. Their band practices here. Do you hear them?”
I did. He led me through the next set of doors, and the music was immediately louder.
“Liam!”
The music stopped as the three guys came over to us. Liam introduced me to Ben, who seemed like the leader; Theo, the drummer; and Matt, the keyboardist. They all seemed glad to see Liam.
“Play with us. Come on,” Ben said.
“Nah. Mind if we skate, though?”
“It’s all yours. Do you want some more lights on?”
“This is good.”
“Okay,” Ben said. “But I have the bass with me if you change your mind.”
Liam laughed.
We headed to the skate rental area and picked out skates and started lacing them up. “Why don’t you play with them? I don’t mind watching.”
Liam looked over to where the guys had started practicing again. He shook his head. “Makes me want it too bad.”
He stood up, moving easily in the skates. I had roller-skated before, but it had been a few years. He took my hands and got me to my feet, then moved me out onto the floor, skating backward the whole time.
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