A Reason To Live (Reason #3)

by CP Smith

  Shane turned and looked at Max. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

  “Fair enough. Consider the topic dead,” Max answered and then took a seat next to Shane.

  Shane looked over his shoulder for Mia and didn’t find her.

  “You flyin’ solo tonight?”

  “Yeah. Mia’s helpin’ Maxine tonight with a party.”

  “She’s havin a party tonight? Jesus. Good thing you told me, she wanted me to stop by for one of her talks. I’d have been scarred for life if I saw what you saw last year.”

  “We don’t talk about that,” Max grumbled.

  “Right,” Shane chuckled.

  “What happened last year?” Gregor asked.

  Max scowled at Shane in warning.

  Shane didn’t give a shit. It was a funny story.

  “Imagine Max walkin’ into his mother’s house to find her bent at the waist with Martha standin’ behind her with a strap-on dick the size of a horse’s.” Gregor’s eyes glazed over and Shane knew the man didn't imagine Martha standin’ behind Maxine.

  “That’s not the party.”

  “Jesus, how often do they strap that thing on?”

  “It wasn’t the cock that scarred me for life,” Max answered with a sigh. “It was the strip poker. I still can’t look at Randy King without wanting to deck him.”

  “I’m missin’ something,” Gregor said. “Why do you want to punch Randy King for a hen night poker party?”

  “Because,” Max grit out. “It was a co-ed poker night. Maxine invited men to play.”

  Shane’s conversation with Maxine ran through his head and he stood, knocking his stool over.

  “What?” Max asked.

  “Maxine didn’t just want to talk,” he bit out. “She invited me to play poker tonight.”

  There was a moment of silence, and then birds took flight when a thundering shout rocked Last Call and Max and Shane came flying out.

  ***

  “As you can see, ladies, the Passion Princess line of lingerie is the highest quality, guaranteed to raise your man’s blood pressure,” Martha said as Mia and I stood in front of them.

  I was wearing a lavender, laced, mesh teddy with diamond strapped criss-cross details. The amount of see-through fabric covering only my breasts, stomach, and woman’s parts was negligible. And the criss-cross ties on the side holding the front and back together were sexy but uncomfortable. I liked to sleep in the nude, not that this outfit was meant for anything but being stripped off the moment a man saw it.

  Mia, on the other hand, was decked out in dominatrix leather. The barely-there halter covered fifty percent of her boobs and the matching leather shorts highlighted her firm ass. She was also sporting a riding crop, which she found amusing and used on my butt.

  “Doesn’t the leather chafe?” an older woman asked.

  “Actually, if feels soft against my skin,” Mia replied.

  “Seems like it would stick,” the woman mumbled.

  “Don’t forget about the easy access, Gail. The crotch has snaps so you can get down to business quickly,” Maxine pointed out.

  If you asked me when I came to Trails End if I could see myself modeling skimpy lingerie in the near future, I would have thought you were nuts.

  “You don’t find this the least bit odd, do you?” I mumbled to Mia.

  “I did a year ago, then I saw how much Maxine enjoyed helping women appreciate their sexuality.”

  I looked at Maxine and wondered about her own. She was an attractive woman, one who looked ten years younger than her sixty some odd years, then thought about how she looked at Gregor.

  “What about Maxine’s sex life,” I whispered to Mia.

  “I think she and vibrators are intimately involved,” she whispered back.

  “But what if she had the chance to, you know, find her sexuality with a red-blooded man?”

  “She’s never indicated she was looking.”

  “But what if she were? Would you and Max be okay with that?”

  Mia looked at Maxine and shrugged. “I wouldn’t care, but Max is protective.”

  “Shouldn’t she be allowed to enjoy what’s left of her life?”

  Mia looked at me for a moment, then grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side. “Okay, spill. I can tell by the way you’re acting you know something.”

  “Gregor,” I whispered.

  “What about him?”

  “Your mother-in-law has the hots for him, but she won’t go after what she wants because of Max.”

  “What?” Mia whisper-shouted with eyes the size of saucers.

  “Yeah. I caught her making googly eyes at him yesterday and confronted her about it. Then I encouraged Gregor to ask her out, and he said flat out he couldn’t because of Max.”

  “Oh. My. God.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I’ll have to think about this for a while. I’m not sure what Max would think, to be honest.”

  “What are you two whispering about?” Martha asked.

  Mia looked over her shoulder then back at me and whispered, “We’ll talk later.”

  I nodded and we both turned to head back to the party when the front door flew open and Max and Shane rushed in. They looked like wild animals standing in the entry, and we froze in place, shocked silent.

  “Fuck,” Max hissed when he saw his wife’s appearance, and Shane followed with an equally deep growl of, “Me.”

  “What are you doing here?” Mia asked.

  Max came unstuck, looked around at the crowd, then crooked his finger at his wife. Shane, on the other hand, stayed glued in place, his jaw ticking as he scanned me from head to toe. That’s when I remembered what I was wearing.

  “I’ll just,” I mumbled, pointing toward my bedroom.

  “Good idea,” Shane choked out.

  I turned, took two steps, and heard him suck air into his lungs. That’s when I remembered my ass was on display, and I took off running for the bedroom. The door slammed behind me as I headed for my bag, but it opened again, and I spun around as Shane came stalking in.

  “Is this some sort of game you and Maxine are playin’?”

  “What?”

  “Parading around in next to nothin’ when you know I’m on my way.”

  “I didn’t know—”

  “It’s bad enough I can’t look at you without seeing Emma Jane, but now I’ve got your body burned into my brain, taunting me with what I can’t have,” he growled.

  I grabbed a shirt and tried to pull it over my head, but he grabbed it and threw it aside. He backed me into the wall and then buried his face in my neck. “This can’t happen. Even if we both want it,” he whispered against my neck.

  “You don’t know unless you try.”

  “I know because every night I see the wreckage. Every fuckin’ night I see her face, a face that’s similar to yours,” he explained.

  “With time you’ll get past—”

  Shane’s tongue snaked out, and he tasted my skin. I gasped and grabbed hold of his shirt, tilting my neck so he could take his fill. “You deserve a man who can make you his whole world. I’m broken, Sage. You need to let it go,” Shane whispered in my ear. He pulled my hands from his shirt and then pushed off the wall, fixing me with dark-gray, anguished eyes. I started to reach out to him, but he shook his head and turned, walking away from me and out the door.

  I was frozen in place, trying to wrap my head around what had happened when I heard the front door slam, and I jumped. I was still leaning against the wall, my heart pounding in my chest. I moved then and grabbed my shirt, pulling it over my head. Maxine walked in as I pulled on my shorts, her face a mask of concern.

  “What happened?” she asked.

  “He was pissed and accused me of playing games.”

  “At least he’s feeling somethin’. Frustration is better than nothin’ any day of the week.”

  “He said I knew he was on his way.”

  Maxine looked away and mumbled, “H
e’s confused. I told him to stop by at seven after the party so I could talk to him. It’s not your fault he came early.”

  “Why did Max come with him?”

  She hesitated for a moment then said, “Beats me. I never know what my son will do.”

  Something about how she was acting didn’t ring true, but I let it go. I had other issues to worry about. It was becoming apparent that I couldn’t help Shane, and I needed to think. To reflect on whether I should leave or stay.

  Grabbing my running shoes from the floor, I headed for the door.

  “Where are you going?” Maxine called out.

  That was the million-dollar question.

  Five

  Rock Bottom

  Jogging is where I did my best thinking. No matter the problem, the pavement beneath my feet kept me centered and focused. And right now, I needed to focus.

  I’d let my emotions lead my interactions with Shane, and I needed to take a step back and allow my analytical side to take over. He was depressed, carrying guilt around over Emma’s death, and holding back from life and happiness to purge himself of the guilt. He didn’t believe he deserved anything good in his life, and that included me. He could be helped, but not by me. I was part of the problem. Not to mention, emotionally compromised.

  When I wasn’t around him, I could think clearly. In his presence, I turned into a lovesick fool with hearts in her eyes, and my education flew right out the window.

  “Is this what it’s like to be in love?” I whispered.

  The pounding of my feet on the quiet mountain road seemed to answer my question with a steady slap, slap, slap, that matched my heartbeat. Love was messy. It sent you spiraling out of control, and if you’re lucky, you landed on your feet in one piece standing next to the object of your desire.

  “Okay, so I’m spiraling, but I haven’t landed yet.”

  If I kept my head clear and focused on the objective, helping Shane, I might get out of this in one piece and not have to leave. Or I could shoot myself in the foot and act like a starry-eyed heroine in every chick flick I’ve ever watched, which meant I was about to act like a psychotic.

  “Brilliant. Years of college down the drain because history tells me where love is concerned, I’ll have no control.”

  Unfortunately, the farther I ran, the more frustrated and confused I became. “Oh, God, it’s happening already,” I groaned and stopped dead in my tracks, walking in circles to catch my breath. I looked at my watch and saw it was after eight. I’d been running for more than an hour, which also meant I had an hour of running to get back to Maxine’s house.

  “Shit,” I cursed, looking up at the sky. “I should have run in circles instead of a straight line . . . And taken this damn teddy off,” I grumbled as I tried to dislodge it from my butt crack.

  Turning around, I headed back the way I came and began to look at my surroundings. Pine trees flanked both sides of the road, growing off the side of sheer cliffs. I could hear a river flowing up ahead, so I stopped when I reached it and watched the water rush past. White foam floated on the top, clinging in places to fallen logs and rocks. Further up the river, I could see large logs in a shallow cove soaking.

  A truck came around the bend as I stood at the river’s edge and slowed. I turned to look and the person stopped, their passenger window rolling down. It was Max.

  “Hop in, I’ll take you back to Maxine’s,” he said then leaned over and opened the door. I climbed in, grateful for the ride.

  He pulled out his phone as I buckled up and swiped ‘call.’

  “Found her. Bringing her home now,” he stated and hung up without waiting for a reply.

  “You were looking for me?”

  “You stormed out on foot, tearing off into the night. You didn’t think people would worry?”

  I looked at the sky. The sun was still shining brightly. “Tore off into the night?”

  “Figure of speech,” he grinned. “So what did you decide?”

  “About what?”

  “About Shane.”

  “Jury is still out.”

  Max nodded slowly, saying nothing in reply. The cab grew silent and I became uncomfortable.

  Was he waiting for me to continue?

  “He has a lot to work through,” I provided, unsure of what else to say.

  “That he does. But he’ll get there.”

  “PTSD can be difficult to treat.”

  “I imagine it plays a part in what’s going on with Shane, but it’s not his biggest problem.”

  I turned sideways in the seat and looked at Max. “Why do you say that?”

  “Shane likes control even more than I do. He’s not struggling because of PTSD, he’s struggling because he’s stubborn and feels guilty. A man like Shane doesn’t like to fail at anything, especially not his responsibilities to his men or women in your sister’s case. Failing to keep her safe by not fulfilling his duty to her can be as debilitating as PTSD.”

  “I can see that,” I mumbled. “Tell me what he was like as a child?”

  Max looked at me and grinned.

  “He’s two years younger than me and tried to boss me around, succeeding half the time, from the age of five.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I can definitely see that.”

  “He’s a good man. One of the best I know,” he replied seriously then glanced at me with a questioning look. “He’d be worth the trouble if you’re interested.”

  “I’ll get back to you on that, too,” I replied smiling.

  “He’ll fight you on it, though.”

  “More than he already is?”

  “Probably. He thinks he’s saving you both from heartache.”

  “Maybe he is, but it’s more important that he forgives himself at this point. He won’t move forward with me or anyone else, for that matter, until he does.”

  Max nodded as he turned the corner onto the street that would take us to Maxine’s. As we drove closer to her yard, I could see Shane leaning against his truck and Mia standing next to him.

  “Did your mother call out the cavalry because I went for a jog?”

  “Yep. She’s taken a shine to you so get used it. She’ll be in your business from here on out.”

  “I’m beginning to see that.”

  When Max put his truck into park, I climbed out slowly, hesitant about what to say to Shane. He kept his attention trained on me as I walked around the front of the truck, his jaw ticking the whole time.

  “Can we talk?” I asked him.

  He pushed off his truck. Then his face grew taut and his mouth pulled into a sharp line as he clenched and unclenched his fists. His overall demeanor screamed he would do all the talking, so I braced as he started straight in. “A woman’s got a stalker on her tail, she doesn’t go off without someone with her. Next time you want to blow off steam, have Maxine follow you in her Jeep.”

  Max grunted at Shane’s outburst, mumbling, "Splashdown.”

  Shane’s attention swung to Max and he bit out, “What?”

  “You’re fuckin’ blind if you don’t see it,” Max answered.

  “And you were clearheaded?”

  “From day fuckin’ one. You’ve stepped off the ledge, hit the water, and you’re still denyin’ it. Stop fightin’ fate.”

  I looked back and forth between them trying to follow the conversation. Was it just me or did everyone in this town talk in code?

  “Look, Shane,” I jumped in, “you’re right, I shouldn’t have run off like that. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. But you were so angry when you left that I needed to think. I honestly didn’t know I would worry anyone.”

  Mia said, “What?” while I waited for Shane to respond, so I turned and looked back.

  Max was glaring at her.

  “Oh, for God’s sake, Max. What?”

  He pointed at me and answered sarcastically, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

  Mia rolled her eyes and grinned, then wrapped her arms around his
neck, hugging the brooding giant.

  I turned back and found Shane grinning as well.

  “I’m clearly missing something,” I mumbled.

  “Hang around long enough and you’ll figure it out.”

  I wanted to hang around longer and figure them all out. I wanted to figure Shane out, to help him heal if he’d let me, but first, I had to get him to trust me.

  “Look, about earlier,” I started. “I didn’t know you were coming over. If I had, I would have covered up.”

  “Forget about earlier. It doesn’t matter.”

  “It matters to me.”

  “It’s not gonna happen between us, Sage, you need to accept it.” Shane took a step back to emphasize his point. He was only a few feet away, but it might as well have been a mile.

  “Shane—”

  “Inside before I leave,” he ordered then he turned his back to me, refusing to hear me out, and headed for his truck.

  My frustration with his stubbornness was building to a crescendo. If I weren’t careful, I’d lose control and unleash all my pent-up anger at his unwillingness to listen.

  Falling for someone is harder than the movies make it look. Clearly Hollywood needs to stop producing happily ever after’s and focus on reality. My experience, thus far, has proven love is anything but easy.

  Sometimes it’s ugly.

  Sometimes it’s cruel.

  And in my mother’s case, bloody.

  “You're stubborn and kind of bossy, you know that, right?” I shouted at his retreating backside. I had to let off a small amount of steam, like a pressure valve, or I’d blow my top like a pressure cooker.

  “Yep,” he actually admitted, which frustrated me more, then ordered again, “Inside, now.”

  Deep breath, in and out, Sage.

  “Fine,” I grit out after counting to ten. It was just as well he left. Neither of us was in the right state of mind to hash out our differences. In fact, I was beginning to think those who stayed single their whole lives knew exactly what they were doing.

  “Hey, Sage,” Mia shouted as I turned toward the cabin. “Let’s go to the carnival tomorrow. Max won’t ride the rides with me. He says they aren’t big enough for thunder gods.”

  In a moment of weakness, I looked back at Shane and sarcastically asked, “Is that allowed or do I need an escort?”