Mum continued flubbing the coffee until Chet gave her a helping hand. “Chet is a fabulous cook. You never told me. That was the best omelet I’d had in a long while.”
“He cooks four things, Mum. He’s hardly a chef.” I don’t know why it was so hard to give him a compliment. He really did make an excellent omelet just like they did in a restaurant.
Chet added he might only make four items, but he did them well. I think he said ‘the best’ which was an exaggeration, but I politely nodded like I agreed. There was a lot of unspoken language going on in the kitchen. Mum took the hint and said she was going to stretch her legs and go for a little walk. Pepper wanted to tag along, but that idea didn’t seem to thrill her. Chet promised the dog they’d go soon.
He served me a perfectly prepared omelet on a ceramic plate. He kissed my cheek when he told me he swapped out the decaf for the real deal. “Thanks.” Chet started to walk away, but I grabbed his hand. It wasn’t often this past week I initiated contact.
We looked at each other for a few quiet seconds. “I know she’s driving you crazy, but she’s only trying to help.”
Mum was the only one that stayed continuously. Dad couldn’t take the solemn mood at the condo. He was at Maggie’s. Chet’s parents spent the night here while I was in the hospital, but Teddy had to get back to school. They thought they should give me peace and quiet, just the opposite of Mum.
“I know, but I can’t take another day of her telling me when to eat or how it’s not enough or how I should get out in the sunshine.”
“Well . . .” he looked down at my plate which I’d barely touched. I stabbed a mushroom and ate it in front of him.
“It’s time for her to leave. I don’t think she’s going to until one of us tells her.”
“So you want me to do it, I take it?”
“I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I’m liable to.” I hadn’t been controlling the responses that came out of my mouth. I’d been short with everyone around me. I knew my family loved me and everyone was expressing general concern, but I felt patronized the majority of the time. “I swear, if she tells me one more time to come out of Donny’s room or something about healing, I’m going to go off.”
“Babe.” Chet tried to rub my tense shoulders.
“No, don’t. Everyone needs to let me grieve how I choose to grieve. Sorry, if it makes you all uncomfortable. There is no such thing as healing from this. There’s only coping. Maybe Mum figured out how to get over her dead son, but I’m not ready to do that.”
Chet’s eyes grew larger. I turned to see Mum standing in the doorway. I didn’t hear her open the front door, but she definitely heard me. All the color drained from her face before she rushed past us.
“Mum, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
She didn’t stop. She headed straight back to the guest room. I started to go to her, but Chet stopped me. “Let me. You’re both too emotional right now. I’ll talk to her. I’ll make it right.”
Chet left me alone in the kitchen. Pepper whined when she realized he wasn’t taking her for her run. I dumped the majority of the omelet and went back to the baby’s room. I felt lost. I felt so alone. We were so happy a few weeks ago and now I barely felt anything but utter sorrow.
A few more weeks passed. I moved through the motions, but it was a far cry from living. Mum and Dad went back home. She and I had a good cry about what I’d said about Frankie. I never meant to insinuate she no longer hurt about losing my brother. There was no way this sort of pain ever went away. She forgave me, but I didn’t deserve it. Lately, I was questioning whether I deserved anything, especially the love from a certain person closest to me.
It had been over a month. Chet had to finish up filming. His time in Canada didn’t resemble the grueling schedule he had in Argentina, but he still had to fulfill his commitment. The cast needed to tie up loose ends and reshoots. He came back and forth as much as he could. They were about to wrap. Gage issued a public statement about a week after we lost Donny. He asked for privacy. I’m sure there was plenty written and speculated, but I hadn’t turned on a TV or glanced at the Internet. Maggie stayed with me whenever Chet was gone. I didn’t think I needed a sitter, but I never argued. She couldn’t cook, but she always made sure I ate. She no doubt reported back to Mum and Chet. Once, she even got me out of the condo to accompany her while she walked Pepper. I hid as best as could and we were never spotted. I couldn’t stay inside forever, but I worried about breaking down the first time some fan or paparazzi rushed to me to ask about losing our son.
I was trying to read a book when Maggie had a great idea. “Hey, Chet will be home any minute. Why don’t I have Keats pick up dinner tonight? We can have a game night like old times.” I looked up from the page I’d been staring at for ten minutes. “It’s just a suggestion. If you two want to be alone, I understand.”
Alone. That was a suitable term to describe us. Even when Chet and I were together now, I’m pretty sure we both felt equally alone. “No, you and Keats should stay over.”
“Okay, I’m going to butt in because it’s what I do. Poppy, what’s happening between the two of you? You both should be leaning on each other but from what I’ve witnessed, you are more like strangers lately. Not sure what the rules are and all regarding resuming certain activities, but it seems like you and Chet really need to reconnect.”
I stood up and headed for the kitchen hoping to avoid this awkward topic Maggie tried to discuss. They all were on my case about eating so I grabbed some fruit and yogurt. I’d been given a clean bill of health by the doctor. That wasn’t the issue. My distance with Chet wasn’t intentional. He tried to hold me and give me affection when we laid down together at night. I wanted to welcome it. I knew he needed some form of intimacy in return, but I wasn’t able to give it just yet. Chet was patient. He’d kissed my cheek and assured me he would wait until when I was ready.
I evaded Maggie’s meddling as best as I could until Chet arrived. Maggie ended up saying Keats was stopping off to take her with him so he wouldn’t screw up the takeout order. I was suspicious they were only trying to give us that alone time she spoke of earlier.
“See you in an hour or so, unless you’d like us to take our time.” My sister winked.
So subtle. I felt nervous about being left alone with Chet. He gave me another hug and kiss and told me he was grabbing a shower. I stood in front of our dresser for a few minutes. No one could even tell I’d been pregnant now. I probably lost all my baby weight in less than two weeks. That was the dream of most women, but to me, it was a nightmare realization.
I’d lost my son. I never had to eat extra calories to keep up my milk. Just the opposite. I struggled to get the production to stop because it was so extremely painful, both physically and emotionally. I wasn’t sleep deprived because I was caring for a newborn. Instead, I was sleep starved because the nights awakened my mind like no other time of day. All I thought about were the what ifs and the whys to the point I’d get up and spend half the night rocking in a chair in the nursery, crying about the fact I wasn’t rocking our son.
Chet walked out in a towel in search of something to wear. I had a seat on the bed. He was about to walk back into the bathroom when I asked him to stay.
He looked apprehensive. “Maggie said they’d be awhile. I thought maybe we could talk.”
He joined me on the bed. At first, it felt natural, a little like old times. He propped the pillows and I snuggled against him.
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” I meant it. I was so far from being back to normal but I had to try. I had to try for Chet. He’d been my rock this entire time. I knew he was hurting too, but he buried the majority of his pain so he wouldn’t upset me anymore than I was. He pretended to be strong like he thought a man should be. I lifted up enough so that my lips made contact with his. He took a second to catch on I was the initiator, but soon we were kissing. It wasn’t the quick pecks and chaste kisses we’d grow
n accustomed to. Chet’s lips moved languid and slow at first, but soon his mouth demanded more. I was trying to keep up and give him what he needed. I never doubted once during our ordeal that my feelings had changed. Of course, I still loved him and wanted to be with him. Each and every time we’d been intimate had been almost perfect, purely magical . . . the stuff of fairytales. I reminded myself quietly in my mind, the stuff you don’t believe in. Chet completed me in a way I didn’t think was possible, but as we continued and he moved over me, my heart constricted in my chest.
I just needed to breathe and relax to his touch like all the other times. He bragged he had the magic touch with me. I needed a miracle in this heated moment because it was happening. My worst fear about being with him was coming true. The anxiety rose, so I pulled away a little. Chet misread the cue to kiss down my neck. Previously, those kisses would have immersed me in desire and want. This day, panic set in, but I held still under his weight.
I hadn’t answered when he asked if I was sure. I think I nodded, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure of anything. The minutes lingered like hours. Chet needed this. I knew he did. When we got to the point, there was no denying sex was happening, I closed my eyes and let him. My favorite part, I’d told him more than once, but I tensed up to the point, pain overcame me.
He held still and asked if he was hurting me. He was worried for obvious reasons. I’d given birth, but I was suffering in an entirely different manner. Would we still get married? Our wedding was postponed. Only family and friends even knew about our plans. Would Chet want me to have more children? Could I? Did I want to?
I had never faked this part of our relationship, but I knew I had to make a decision. My chest tightened to the point I was certain the episode was upon me or either I was having an actual heart attack. Chet moved his body in a steady rhythm, but mine only went limp. He stopped. I shoved him off me and I did the only thing I could for survival. I ran.
I heard him out there. He banged on the bathroom door and screamed for me. I sat on the shower floor with the water on full blast. I covered my ears to muffle the pleading from Chet. I was loosing it. He deserved better and I no longer could give a shred of what I used to, what a man deserved from his partner. I was almost thankful when everything else faded to a dim gray mist. Maybe it was the precursor to death. If God would take me to my son, then I’d happily go.
Take me, Lord. Deliver me from this dark world. I have nothing left to live for.
Their voices sounded muffled and distant, but I felt hands on me. I fought whoever I didn’t see.
“Stop it, Poppy. It’s me, Mags. Let me help you. Jesus, you’re freezing.” I heard Chet and Maggie yelling at each other, but I wasn’t sure what they said. I only closed my eyes. When I opened them, I was on the bed, wrapped in my robe as well as covered with a blanket. Keats was in the room too. Chet said he was calling an ambulance. I recovered enough to speak up.
I croaked out, “No.”
Chet tried to touch me. I think he was testing my body temperature with the back of his hand. I flinched. “You need to be seen by a doctor, honey.”
“I said no. It was a panic attack. I already have medication. I’m not going back to that dreaded hospital.” Maggie and I had an unspoken language. I begged her with my eyes.
“Could you both give Poppy and I some privacy?”
Chet refused at first, but Keats got him to leave us alone. As soon as the bedroom door shut, I told Maggie the truth. “I couldn’t. It’s just like before. I’m sick again. I won’t let him see me this way ever again. It was horrifying, Mags!”
“Hun, it was the first time after. You were anxious. Maybe you’re not healed up all the way. I shouldn’t have pressured you.”
“I am healed. Dr. Brown said I could resume relations. She gave me birth control. I should still be pregnant and now I have to take birth control, Maggie. This whole universe is fucked up. I can’t make love with my fiancé without falling to pieces like he’s assaulting me when nothing could be further from the truth. I won’t make Chet live like this. Can you help me pack?”
“Pack? You can’t be serious.”
I was. I couldn’t stay here. I had to leave. Running and locking Chet out of his bathroom was only the beginning. I was about to lock him out of my life. I wanted to tell them all it was only temporary, but the reality was the second I shut the door to the condo behind me, it felt permanent.
I waited almost a damn week, but I was going back to Canada the next morning for one last shoot. Maggie convinced me Penny needed some time away from the situation. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong to make her to want to be away from me. I never planned on pushing her into something physical so soon, but she initiated it. I thought she was ready that she needed the connection as much as I did. God knows, I’d missed her.
I might have gotten carried away too quickly, but Penny freaked out like I was being aggressive. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ll never forget the look of fear in her eyes. Rejection wasn’t even the right word. Revulsion was more accurate. I doubt she remembered all the events exactly as they happened. By the time Keats and I busted the lock open, Penny was damned near hypothermic. She had been sitting in the strong mist of frigid water the whole time.
Maggie came back with dinner to find me pounding on the door trying to get Penny to let me in. We searched for the key, but Penny constantly put things up in a proper place which meant I had no clue where it was. There was a point, I was almost convinced she was in there hurting herself. Keats had his phone in his hand to call 911. I begged her to talk to someone ever since we lost Donny. She hadn’t seen her shrink since right before she met me. Strange how Penny once said I’d healed her, but I feared I had the opposite effect on her now.
We wouldn’t solve any of our problems with her avoidance. I hated to be the one to tell her, but Penny was avoiding life in general. At first, I understood, but hell I couldn’t even convince her to take a ride through a drive-thru for a cup of coffee. She went to the doctor once and took a couple of steps out on the beach with Pepper in a six week time span. I was fairly surprised she’d leave the condo since 75% of her day was sitting in Donny’s nursery wrapped in an embroidered blanket we had special made with his initials. I guess her desire to get away from me was that strong.
I knocked harder than I needed to. Keats opened up. “Hey man, I thought Mags told you to call first.”
“Oh, so now I need to call?” I jiggled my keys. “I have a damn key to this house. We’re family, I didn’t think I needed to call. I’m here to see Penny.” I pushed past Keats and started yelling for her. Maggie came out of the hall with Pepper on her heels. The dog ran straight to me. I patted her head. I could tell she was excited to see me, she missed home too.
“It’s not a good day, Chet.”
“It hasn’t been a good day for five days. I can’t wait any longer. I have a flight in the morning and I need to see her.”
“She’s busy.”
“Busy? Busy doing what?”
“Packing.”
What a relief. She was coming home. I knew she’d come to her senses. I told Maggie I was planning on buying her plane ticket, anyway. She could come with me. Work was going to be minimal. They were all planning a huge cast party when we got back to LA. I never planned on going to that event. Penny and I could travel finally, like I always wanted to experience with her. I had a quiet place in mind that rented luxury cabins for our first stop. We needed some uninterrupted quiet time to reconnect and to grieve together. I was sure we’d done far too much grieving on our own, but not nearly enough as a couple, as our son’s parents.
“Penny!”
Maggie grabbed my arm. “Chet, wait.”
“What? Penny!” I yelled again.
Penny finally came out of the room she slept in at their house.
“It’s okay. I need to tell him face to face.” Maggie motioned for Keats and they walked to the back door with Pepper. Penny brought me into the living r
oom. “Chet, I’m leaving.”
“Leaving where?” She already wasn’t with me, how much more leaving did she intend to do?
“I’m going to stay with Mum and Dad.”
“Okay, for the weekend or a whole week?”
“I don’t know. All that’s up in the air. Maggie and Keats deserve their space. Dad’s on the way to get me. I didn’t feel like driving up alone.”
“Penny, please.” I told her if I could get out of work, I’d take her. I only needed three days tops. I begged her to wait.
I watched in disbelief as she slipped the ring off her finger. “No, I don’t think either of us should wait any longer.” She put the ring in the palm of my hand and closed my fingers around it. “I’m sorry, but we’re just too different.”
My head was shaking at the ridiculous statement she made. I was determined to put the ring back on her finger and tell her to stop being crazy. That’s what this was. It was nuts. “I get it, honey, more than you realize. I’m hurting just like you. He was my son too, but we need each other. The part about me loving you with all my heart hasn’t changed. We’re still getting married. I just talked to Mom about scheduling it for next month.”
“Chet, that’s not going to happen.”
“Then in two months or three months or next year. Hell, that’s not the important part. The important part is we stay together because of how we feel. We make sense. Apart, we’re fucking chaos.”
“I don’t know how I feel anymore. I’m numb. Why can’t you get that through your head?”
“Are you saying you don’t love me anymore?” I knew that was a boldface lie if she said it.
“No, of course not. I guess what I’m saying is I love you enough to let you find some sense of normal again. I can’t be in the spotlight anymore, not after what happened. I don’t want to hear people yell out, ‘Hey, Penny. How did it feel to lose Chet Parker’s baby?’“
“I would beat someone’s ass if they said that to you. In all honesty, no one is that insensitive.”
The Price of Penny Page 36