by Taylor Dean
“No, Mom was miserable all morning. I tried everything and nothing I did helped. It was one of the most stressful mornings of my life.”
“C’mon, I’ll get a plate of food for you.”
Grayson makes me sit in the living room and tells me I’m not allowed to leave the couch or he’ll have to take drastic measures.
I’m not about to argue with him and find out what drastic measures means. “You don’t have to do this.” But it sure feels good to sit and relax.
“Someone has to take care of you while you spend all your time caring for your mother.”
I bite my lip. I’m still very unsure of him. I watch him from the couch as he finds his way around the kitchen trying to avoid my messes. “Sorry about the mess. I was trying to find something that would appeal to mom to eat this morning. Everything was rejected, so I kept trying something new.”
“Did it involve every pan in the kitchen and every ingredient you own?”
“Pretty much.”
He laughs, but I still have no laughter inside of me. I’m all dried up. I’m the wasteland of human beings.
He rests his hands on the doorjamb above him, studying me. “That was a joke. The appropriate response is to laugh. I’d settle for a smile.”
With his arms stretched above him, I’m distracted by his flat stomach and muscular chest. I wish he wouldn’t stand like that. I can see a peek of perfect skin in between his t-shirt and jeans. My eyes devour him and I worry he knows it. He looks like a model posing for a photo shoot and I swear my heart leaps in my chest at the sight. “Not too much to smile about today.” Or any day. When did I become such a downer? Just call me Debbie.
“I’m sorry. Your mother told me it’s pancreatic cancer, but that the prognosis is hopeful.”
Tears well in my eyes. “She’s being optimistic, but we’re all trying to be positive and to keep a healthy frame of mind. The truth is pancreatic cancer is deadly. Most doctors consider it a death sentence. I gotta say, just watching her go through chemo is grueling. If there’s any chance for a cure, she is willing to endure it. She wants to live. My mom is a fighter. Just to add insult to injury, pancreatic cancer is painful. Without pain pills she can hardly stand the discomfort. Plus, eating actually causes her pain. She’s lost a scary amount of weight. The pancreas aides in digestion and the tumor is causing her pancreas to work improperly. If the chemo will shrink the tumor, they will be able to remove it, and she should be okay. That’s the plan anyway. It’s a nightmare.” I don’t let tears fall, but it isn’t easy.
“I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t an easy time for you. You’re doing a good thing. She needs you and appreciates the sacrifice you’re making.”
“It’s not a sacrifice. It’s my mother. It’s expected.”
“Not all grown children would be so willing. Don’t downplay it.”
I shrug. Now that my mother is resting peacefully, I kind of want him to leave. Mostly because I really want him to stay, therefore he needs to leave. He’s too perfect for me and I’m vulnerable.
He brings me a plate filled with a deli sandwich, a pickle, chips, potato salad, and a cookie. Yum. My stomach growls with anticipation.
“I don’t know if she’ll want it, but there’s a plate for your mom in the fridge too. I couldn’t leave her out.” Then he says to me, “Eat, woman.”
He’s kidding or I’d object. I hate being called woman in a condescending tone. “Picture that sentence in your mind and tell me, is there a comma between eat and woman?”
He gives me a funny look as he sits down across from me with his plate. “I don’t know, is there?”
“There better be. Otherwise the two words have a very different meaning. With no comma, you’re telling me to eat a woman. With a comma, you’re telling me, a woman, to eat.”
“Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.”
“Nah, I’m just an obsessive English teacher. Don’t mind me.”
“Okay, but just for the record, that was another joke; a quote from The Princess Bride. I’m suddenly feeling very unfunny.”
A frown takes over my face. “Sorry, I’m not very good company right now.” And I’m trying to bury my attraction for this man.
“No problem, I understand. I think I have a new goal in life and that is to make you smile. I’ll do it one day, Mia, and that’s a promise.” He flashes a slow smile my way and I feel like melting. His exuberance is contained and calculated today, and totally directed at me, which is highly unnerving. I think he’s smoldering on the inside and I’m about to catch fire from his embers.
The thought of fire brings me down to earth and makes me think of Stony.
I am not like Stony and I hate that he thinks I don’t smile. “I smile. I smile all the time.” I sound so defensive and I don’t mean to. But, he’s right, I haven’t been smiling much of late. I find myself attracted to his cheerful nature for that very reason. I’m searching for happiness and when I’m with him I feel as though I’ve found it in a perfect man package. He’s rather refreshing—and dangerous—to be around.
He leans forward in his seat. “I look forward to seeing that smile.”
I don’t know what to say in return and we simply look at each other in the silent room. I lose myself in his eyes so easily.
Too many seconds pass by as we continue to simply look at each other. I break our eye contact.
I’m not right for this man. I can’t be carefree and happy-go-lucky. Once upon a time, I was that person. Not anymore. Life cured me of happiness.
What a sad thought.
Grayson polishes off his lunch. “Listen, my day starts with PT at the atrocious hour of four AM, but I’m off work and home every day by three or so. Tell you what, I can stop by and give you a hand if you need it.”
I want to say yes so much. But I’m not so sure I’m a good candidate for a new relationship and it’s clear that’s what he’s after. I’m flattered, but the possibility scares me. If I’m with Grayson, all roads lead to Spencer, and therefore Stony. That’s not the direction I want to travel. “That won’t be necessary.”
“Still, the offer stands. You shouldn’t be alone during this time. It’s tough to be a fulltime caregiver, especially when you’re caring for a loved one. You need support as well.”
“It’s not just me. Blake, my brother, is here at night.”
“That’s good. Just know, I’m here if you need me.”
I need you. I need you so much, Grayson. You have no idea. Please don’t give up on me.
My thoughts worry me. This man might break my already broken heart and what happens then? I think I’d crumble into a million tiny pieces and turn into dust.
My current plan is to pick myself up and face life again. To become strong. To be the old me. To love me. I can’t let Grayson interfere and sidetrack me.
But I love the way he makes me feel. I actually feel the sparks of attraction emanating from him and I’m absorbing those sparks and nourishing my soul with them.
“Don’t get up. Take it easy for a while. I’ll see myself out.”
I watch him leave and as the door clicks shut, I touch my cheek where he touched it. I ignore his request that I rest and I run to the window. I part the drapes and watch as he walks away. He has a swagger that reflects his personality. I’d like to bask in his light and feed off his zest for life.
Spencer’s brother, Spencer’s brother, I silently chant. Not gonna happen.
Still, I know he would be good for me.
The question is would I be good for him? I don’t like the obvious answer to that question.
I reflect on an old Cherokee Indian legend I used to teach to my students. It’s about a grandfather teaching his grandson about life. He tells his grandson that a fight is going on inside of him all the time, a fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil and selfish, filled with envy and greed. The other is good and pure, filled with peace, love, and kindness. He tells his grandson that the same fight is going on inside of
him. The grandson then asks, “Which wolf will win?” With great insight, the grandfather tells him, “The one you feed.”
Which wolf am I feeding? I know immediately that it’s the wrong one. The one that tells me I’m not good enough, that I’m not worthy, that no one could ever love me, the jailbird.
I’m trying to change. Grayson has entered my life at a time when I’m going through a transformation.
I want to be Mia again. Spunky and spirited Mia. I lost her somewhere along the way. I wonder if she can be found or if she’s gone for good.
Time will tell.
CHAPTER
Seven
AS I SIT by Mom’s bed, I hear the doorbell ring. Blake is in the kitchen serving up the yummy dinner Caroline brought over for us, so he answers it. I close my book as I hear a masculine voice. My insides perk up at the thought that it might be Grayson. My body is a defector and does not belong to the country of Mia any longer.
I haven’t seen him for a few days and my thoughts dwell on him much more than I’m willing to admit.
I look up as Blake, followed by Grayson, enters the room.
“You have a visitor, Mia,” Blake says as he promptly turns and leaves. It’s as though he has delivered a package and has discharged his responsibility. That’s my brother. He didn’t come and ask me if I wanted to see anyone. He just dumped the unexpected guest on my lap. We need to have a talk about visitor etiquette.
I guess I better let Blake know I want to avoid Grayson. I don’t actually want to, but for my own peace of mind, I need to.
Blake might be in dire need of a healthy dose of charm school, but he’s a great guy and I know he’ll protect me with his life. I adore my brother. He’s good to the core. I wish others could see how amazing he is. He’s the best kept secret in town. He might be a little distracted by a computer screen, but he’s as loyal as they come. I hope he finds love one day. He deserves it.
So do I. Yes, so do I. I let the positive thought sink into my psyche. I need to learn to absorb optimism. It isn’t easy. I’ve been Negative Nancy for much too long.
Spencer’s brother . . . I mean Grayson, studies me as my thoughts wander. It’s odd to have him suddenly standing before me, as if my imagination made him materialize. I realize I’d better say something instead of staring at him with a dumbstruck expression. “Hi.”
“Hello, Mia. I’ve come to take you out and I won’t take no for an answer. You need a break.” His voice is low, cognizant of my sleeping mother.
I bristle slightly at his forcefulness. Yet, his soft tone takes away the sting.
He amends his words, perhaps realizing he’s coming on a little strong. “I mean, if you want to, that is. Please let me take you out.”
His vulnerability is my weakness. “I . . . I’d love to, but I really shouldn’t leave my mom. She’s had a bad day.”
“It’s Blake’s turn. And you won’t be any good to her if you wear yourself out.”
“Go, Mia. Please. I want you to. I’ll be fine,” I hear Mom mutter without moving a muscle or opening her eyes.
I uncross my legs and rise on tingly legs. “Sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s all right, sweetie. Please go out and do something for you. It would make me happy.”
“There you have it,” Grayson says with a half-smile.
I feel hoodwinked. Even so, I’d love to go out with him, even though I know I shouldn’t. “Okay, Momma. Your cell phone is on your nightstand. Call me if you need me. I’ll come right home.”
“Don’t worry about me. Blake is here.”
I tuck the blankets around her and leave the room with Grayson in tow.
“That was so unfair,” I tell him the moment we close Mom’s door. “Complete blackmail.”
He smiles, not apologetic in any way. “You know what they say, all’s fair in love and war.”
I feel a little overheated by his words. “I didn’t know you were starting a war. What exactly are we fighting over?”
He shakes his head in the negative. “War is not what I had in mind.”
The other option is love and I’m as flustered as I can be at his thinly veiled meaning. I look away from his penetrating gaze. “I’ll go change and be out in a moment.”
Once I escape to my room, I pace the floor a few times. Then I collapse onto my bed.
He’s just a friend. That’s all. He’s taking me out for a much needed break after working as a caregiver all day. There’s no reason for me to read too much into it. I’m just going to play it cool and treat him as an acquaintance, which is really all he is to me.
I peel off my sweats and don jeans. I stare at the memorabilia my mom has left in my room and vow to take it all down. My room has hardly changed since I was in high school. My high school pennant still hangs on the wall along with a huge homecoming mum made from ribbon that Stony gave me to wear one year. They’re a true Texas tradition that I love, but I don’t want to be reminded of those years anymore. My bulletin board is still covered with various pictures, to include a few of me and Stony. I walk over to the board and pull them all down. Every single one. I open a drawer to stuff them in and then I change my mind. I toss them in the garbage. That part of my life is OVER. I’m starting anew. I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner. No wonder being home is such a beat down.
Of course, my secrets are the biggest beat down of all. Before this town is in my rearview mirror, I will unburden myself. I will, I will. I must.
I slip into a blouse and enjoy the feel of the silky material against my skin. I run a brush through my hair and add a few strokes of lip gloss to my full lips. I stare at myself in the mirror feeling as though I don’t recognize the reflection. My cheeks are flushed and my eyes are huge with wonder. My stomach is tingling with anticipation and my heart is beating on overtime.
I should NOT be doing this. I should refuse. I should march out there and tell Grayson NO in no uncertain terms. I have no business going anywhere with him. I know I can’t allow anything to happen between us.
I decide to ignore my inner voice and leave the room without a backward glance, as if I’m leaving my nagging conscience behind. It will just tell me I’m doing the wrong thing all night. It’s nothing if not persistent.
Besides, just one evening out together can’t hurt. I’m insanely curious about this man who has caught my eye. I’m sure spending time with him will cure me of my obsession anyway. I’ll quickly realize he’s not as perfect as he seems.
Grayson is sitting on the couch waiting patiently. “Ready?” he says, when he sees me. He’s tall and commanding in the small space. My eyes see nothing but him.
“Where do you want to go?” I ask.
“Good question. I don’t know the area very well yet. Let’s do something fun, something Texan, something I’ve never done before. Like . . . I don’t know . . . country line dancing.”
My eyebrows shoot into my forehead. I’ve never once gone country line dancing in my life. And I’m a Texan through and through. Something tells me Grayson would be the life of the party if we went dancing. As for me, I would be the . . . no, don’t think it. My inner voice is locked away tonight. I just can’t listen to it any longer.
“Is that not something you do around here?” he asks, as if he made a huge faux pas.
“Oh, it’s a thing. It’s just not my thing.” Although with Grayson at my side, I could make it my thing. My mind wanders to my favorite restaurant in Abilene. I suddenly feel very interested in seeing how he would react to it. “I know a great place in Abilene I think you would enjoy. It’s a little quirky, but it’s an experience you shouldn’t miss.” It’s not the slightest bit romantic at all and is exactly where me and Grayson belong. Firmly in the friend zone.
“Okay, let’s went.”
I smirk at his unorthodox language. I really am going out with a goofball. I can’t explain why I feel so fluttery. It’s just the effect he has on me.
I didn’t realize how much I nee
ded to get out of the house. Once we’re out and screaming down the highway, I feel myself decompress. I’m not sure I’ve let myself relax since I arrived back in town. It’s nice to get out of my head for a bit.
“So, what is this quirky place you’re taking me to?” Grayson asks.
“It’s a restaurant called Belle’s.” Belle’s is an experience and is undoubtedly Texan. It’s loud and a little crazy. If I’m not mistaken, it will be Grayson’s cup of tea. If first impressions are anything to go by, that is.
“How are you holding up?” he asks thoughtfully.
It feels like forever since anyone has bothered to ask me that question. Of course, it’s my own fault because I don’t let anyone get close to me. You know what? It feels good to let someone in. I won’t let him too far in though. I have my limits with Spencer’s brother, even if he is great company.
And handsome. And funny. And quirky. Did I mention gorgeous?
I’m in so much trouble. What am I doing here?
“It’s not easy, but I’m glad to be there for my mom. I don’t know what she’d do otherwise.”
“Circle of life. She took care of you and now you’re taking care of her.”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way.” I like that thought. I like it a lot.
After a few moments of comfortable silence, he asks, “Have you done any singing you’d like to tell me about? C’mon, Mia, fess up.”
I actually have to suppress a smile. “No singing in the shower. None at all.”
“I’m so disappointed in you. You’re making my heart hurt.”
I bite my lip and stare out the window. I wish I could let myself fall into this man’s trajectory. I think anywhere in his vicinity might be my happy place.