Loretta struggled to turn her head to him. Her eyes lit up some at seeing his face. She struggled to speak.
Simon put his finger to Loretta’s lips. “Sshhh. Don’t talk. I just wanted to let you know I’m here.”
“Si-mon, I’m sorry.” Loretta’s voice was just above a whisper.
“Now, you don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
Simon was trying his best to be strong. It felt like Loretta was slipping away from him. Her hands were cold and clammy.
“I love you,” she managed to say.
“I love you, too,” Simon responded. “Now, you just hush up and rest. I need you to get better. You know if you don’t get better by Sunday, Sister Hicks goin’ try and take over the fellowship dinner we planned.”
Loretta managed a small smile.
“You’re gonna be okay, baby,” Simon said, stroking her hair.
Loretta shook her head, her eyes glistening with tears. “I’m going. Going home to God.”
“Hush, Loretta. You ain’t goin’ nowhere. You know I can’t make it without you. Besides, you know I have to have my collard greens every Sunday and they don’t make them in the cans. So you just be quiet with that nonsense, you understand?” Simon was on the verge of tears himself.
Loretta closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “Get the kids.”
“Loretta, you need to keep your strength up.”
She opened her eyes. “Please?”
Simon stood straight to protest, but decided against it. “Okay, if you insist. But ain’t goin’ be no good-byes, because you ain’t goin’ nowhere.”
He pushed open the door and made his way back down the hall to the waiting room. Rachel, David, and Jonathan jumped up when he walked in.
“How is she?” Rachel asked.
“She’s gonna be fine,” Simon confidently proclaimed. All three of his children looked relieved. “God is taking good care of her.”
Rachel’s expression turned skeptical. “I want to see her.”
“As a matter of fact, she was just asking to see you.” He motioned to all three. “All of you.”
“But the doctor said she wasn’t strong enough,” David said.
Rachel started down the hall. “I don’t care what the doctor said, I’m going to see my mama.”
Jonathan, who looked like he had been crying himself, quickly followed. Simon turned his gaze toward David. They hadn’t had two words to say to each other in months.
“You going?” Simon finally asked.
David leaned back against the wall, his hands nervously shaking, a look of terror across his face. “Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ll just see her when she gets better.”
Simon nodded, then turned to leave the room.
“Dad?” David called out.
Simon stopped and looked back at his son. “Yes?”
“She’s gonna get better, isn’t she?”
Simon smiled at his son for the first time in a long, long while. “Yes, she is. The Lord knows it’s not time for her.”
David nodded his head with relief. “Okay, okay. I’ll just talk to her later then,” he said, more to himself than his father.
Simon walked back to Loretta’s room. He heard Rachel sobbing before he even entered. She was bending over the bed, her arms draped around her mother. For a minute, Simon feared that she was dead, but he then saw Loretta lift her hand and caress Rachel’s hair.
“Sshhh,” Loretta whispered to her daughter as Simon appeared inside. “Cut all that out. I got some things to say …” She paused and took a deep breath, like she was gathering all her energy, “and I ain’t got much time to say them.” Loretta looked around. “Where’s David?”
“He—ummm, he said he’ll just see you when you get out,” Simon replied.
Loretta smiled again. “That boy. Never has liked to face adversity.”
Rachel gripped her mother’s hand. “Mama, Daddy said you’re goin’ be fine.”
“Well, that’s your daddy’s wishful thinking. I have an appointment with Saint Peter.” Loretta’s voice was getting weaker and weaker. The quiet beeping on the machine next to her was slowing down.
“Mama, don’t say that,” Rachel cried.
“I love all of you. You got to stick together now.” She looked around her bed at everyone. “Y’all all you got now.”
Loretta started coughing violently, and everyone looked panicked. The coughing subsided, and a single tear trickled down Loretta’s face. “I know …”
The machine’s big red alarm went off, and Loretta’s chest heaved as she began convulsing.
“Mama!” Rachel screamed.
Doctor Kwan and several nurses rushed into the room.
“Nurse, get them out!” Dr. Kwan yelled. He tore back Loretta’s gown, grabbed some paddles, and tried feverishly to revive her.
Rachel violently sobbed as Jonathan pulled her out of the room. Simon stood in a corner, dazed.
“Mr. Jackson,” the nurse said, “you’ll have to leave, too.”
Simon blankly nodded, then backed out of the room, staring at the doctor as he worked to save Loretta’s life. It was a surreal scene. God had to be telling him to treat Loretta better, do more things with her. “As soon as she gets out of here, Lord, I’m goin’ do just that,” Simon said to himself.
36
THE DAY WAS OVERCAST and dreary. Funeral weather. Simon still couldn’t believe his wife was dead. Rachel, who was dressed in all black, hadn’t stopped crying for four days. The family was awaiting their ride to the church. David sat stoically in a corner. Jonathan paced back and forth. He seemed to be taking it the hardest. Simon guessed that it had to do with the fact that he and Angela seemed to be having problems already, then he had to deal with Loretta’s death. No matter what kind of disagreement they had had, Simon felt Angela still should be here with Jonathan today. But anytime Simon tried to broach the subject, Jonathan got quiet and depressed.
As for the kids, they seemed oblivious to what was going on. Jordan was chasing Loretta’s Yorkshire terrier. Nia sat in her playpen, throwing plastic blocks.
The doorbell rang. Simon glanced at the clock hanging in the entryway.
“That must be the limo driver. I’ll get it.”
He didn’t know why he even bothered to say anything; no one else made a move to answer it.
Simon opened the door. The tall, slender young man standing there didn’t look like a limo driver. He was dressed in a navy blue suit, gray shirt, and gray tie. “Hi,” Simon said anyway. “We’ll be ready in just a minute.”
The man looked confused. “Excuse me?”
“Aren’t you the limo driver?”
“Oh, no, I’m sorry. You must be Mr. Jackson.”
“I am.” Simon wasn’t in the mood for visitors. It was bad enough having to deal with all those people after the funeral.
Couldn’t he at least have this time with his family?
“May I offer my condolences? I’m so sorry to hear about Mrs. Jackson,” the man said.
Simon nodded. This was probably one of Loretta’s old students. Simon thought maybe if he didn’t engage in conversation, the young man would get the hint to leave. They stood in silence for a few seconds, but he didn’t appear to get the picture.
“Well, what can I do for you?” Simon finally said.
“Umm, I’m a friend of Jonathan’s,” he nervously responded.
Simon perked up a little. “Oh, okay. Any friend of Jonathan’s is a friend of the family. Come on in.” In the months that Jonathan had been home, none of his friends, except Kevin, had dropped by or even called. Simon thought it might be good if Jon had someone here for support right now, although Simon had never seen the man standing on his front porch before today.
“Thank you, sir,” the man said as he stepped into the living room.
“I didn’t get your name,” Simon said, closing the door.
The man stopped and turned to Simon. “It’s Tracy.”
&nb
sp; “Well, Tracy, Jonathan should be right down that hall in the den.” Simon pointed the way. Tracy nodded and walked down the hall.
Jonathan was gazing out the window, his back turned from the entrance.
“Jon,” Tracy called.
Jonathan spun around. An astonished look crossed his face.
“Tracy!”
The two stood silently before Jonathan ran into his arms. “What are you doing here?” he cried as he hugged Tracy tightly.
“Now, you know I couldn’t let you go through this alone.”
Simon watched as the two of them embraced. There was something strange about this whole scenario. Jonathan seemed to be grabbing on to him desperately, and the loving way Tracy was rubbing Jonathan’s back had Simon feeling uneasy.
It suddenly dawned on the two of them that they weren’t the only ones in the room. Jonathan quickly removed himself from Tracy’s embrace. “Everybody, this is my friend Tracy.”
David and Rachel smiled halfheartedly at Tracy and nodded hello.
“I’m glad you came,” Jonathan said softly as he turned his attention back to Tracy.
“Did you ever think I wouldn’t? When you called and told me about your mom, I knew you needed me. I just didn’t know if you wanted me to come.”
“I’m glad you did,” Jonathan mumbled.
Simon was leaning against the den wall, taking this all in. He raised his eyebrows in confusion. Something wasn’t right.
“Have you told them?” Tracy looked around the room at everyone staring at them. “I think you should tell them.”
A terrified look crossed Jonathan’s face. “No, not now.”
“Yes. Now or never. This has gone way too far. I only came to be here for you, but I need to be all the way here for you. I can’t be putting on acts.” Tracy looked determined and serious.
“But my mother just died. Maybe we should just wait until later.”
“I know how much you’re hurting and I want to be able to comfort you without any guises. This has been our problem from day one. And if we don’t get it taken care of right now, I’m leaving. For good,” Tracy said.
Jonathan looked like he wanted to protest but changed his mind. His shoulders dropped and he walked over to the sofa and sat down. Tracy followed.
“What about Martin?” Jonathan whispered to Tracy.
“Martin is not who I want. Now tell them.” Tracy was adamant in his demand.
“Tell us what?” Rachel asked. She had stopped crying, but her eyes were still red. Nia was sitting in her lap gnawing on her pearl strands.
Simon still wasn’t getting a good feeling, but now wasn’t the time to figure out what was going on. They needed to get going to the funeral. “Son, whatever you need to tell us, can’t it wait until after the service?”
Jonathan looked at Tracy, who softly shook his head. He slowly gazed around the room. Everyone was staring at him.
Just then David jumped up. “Holy crap! Little brother, is this dude saying what I think he’s saying?”
Jonathan briefly looked down at the floor, before holding his head up high. “Yes, he is. Everybody, Tracy isn’t just my friend … He’s my … my partner.”
David started howling with laughter. Rachel almost dropped Nia as she gasped.
Simon was still confused. “Your partner? What does that mean? Are y’all in some kind of business together?”
Suddenly, it dawned on Simon that he’d heard of Tracy’s name before. That’s who Jonathan was on the phone with that time. Tracy. Simon had just automatically assumed it was a girl. But now that he thought about it, Jonathan had never confirmed that.
“Come on, Dad, don’t be so naïve,” David chimed in. “Is that why Angela kicked you out? Because you’re gay?”
“Sweet Jesus.” Simon was about to pass out. He sat in his recliner in stunned silence.
David continued on. “Man, I cannot believe you’re gay!”
Simon shook his head. “But Angela?”
Jonathan sadly looked at his father. “Angela was a mistake.” He paused. Tracy squeezed his hand. “Dad, I know this is a lot to take in, but this is who I am.”
Simon rubbed his head, took a deep breath, and stood up.
“I’m going to call the funeral home and see what’s taking the driver so long.” He started walking out the room. “When I return, I don’t want to hear no more of this blasphemous talk!”
Simon left without looking back. A promiscuous daughter, he could deal with. A drug addict, he could even deal with. But never in a million years would he accept that his prodigal son was a homosexual.
37
THIS HAD TO BE the hardest day of Simon’s life. He had done hundreds of funerals with no problem, but then he never dreamed he would be burying his wife.
The doctors were never able to revive Loretta. Simon had left the hospital numb. How could he have not known Loretta was sick? He racked his brain trying to recall some sign that she’d had a heart problem. Did he just not notice? He had to admit, he hadn’t paid much attention to his wife lately, but surely if she had been sick, he would’ve known.
Simon had just returned from the home of his sister-in-law, Vera. All of the family had gathered there after the funeral instead of at his home. He preferred it that way; he just didn’t want all of those people in his house.
It seemed like everybody who ever attended Zion Hill was at the funeral. It was standing room only. Loretta was loved by so many people.
Simon removed his jacket. He was anxious to get out of his church clothes and just relax. As he was about to hang his jacket in the hall closet, he felt the envelope in his pocket. Simon reached in and pulled out the folded manila envelope. Vera had given it to him right after the funeral. She said Loretta wanted him to have it if she died. Simon was a little taken aback that Loretta had prepared for this. He was even angrier that Vera knew about it and didn’t say anything. Vera apologized, but said her loyalty was to her sister. Now, standing there clutching the letter tightly, Simon didn’t know if he could bear to open it. Maybe he needed to wait until his wounds healed some.
Simon had always been one to follow his first mind, so he tore the envelope open and started reading.
My Dearest Simon,
First let me begin by saying, you are my heart, and I will love you forever.
If you are reading this then my worst fears have come true. I’ve known for a long time I’ve had a weak heart, but you know me, I never have been one to trouble my family and I knew when God was ready to call me home to glory, it wasn’t nothing no one could do, so no need to fret over it.
I’m writing this letter after my second scare. Doctor Kwan suggested I tell you all, but I just couldn’t. Please forgive me for that. Honestly, I prayed that God would heal me on His own, but since you’re reading this, I guess that wasn’t His will.
Simon, I’m writing not only to ask your forgiveness for not being completely honest about my illness but because I know things will be tough for you and the kids. I need you to be there for them. For years, we have taken a backseat to Zion Hill. I accepted that because I know you’re a good man who was trying to do God’s work. But the children have never understood it and even resented it. Now it’s time for you to put them first. Forgive David, for starters. No, he hasn’t made you proud, but he’s still your son. If he’s going to beat these drugs, he’ll need your support. I believe he can do it with your help. He wants your love so bad. Also support Rachel. She has disappointed you, too, but she’s still your daughter. You don’t have to like the message, but you still need to love the messenger. Isn’t that what you always used to say? Rachel is searching for love herself. Maybe if you show her some, she won’t be so obsessive about finding it. And Jonathan, let Jonathan be Jonathan. Jon has an emptiness inside him. I thought his marriage to Angela would fill that void, but it hasn’t. I don’t know what it is, but I see pain in his eyes. I need you to try and reach him. Find out what he’s harboring on his heart, then help him
work through it.
You rest easy, keep watching Sanford and Son, and working for the Lord. Know that I am watching over you, smiling because I’m finally at peace. I’ll see you in Heaven.
Love,
Loretta
Simon didn’t realize he was crying until he saw the tears drop onto the paper gripped tightly in his hand. The aching in his heart hurt more than anything he’d ever experienced.
So many things were racing through his mind. He knew his children felt slighted by his commitment to the church, but he had no idea it was that bad. How could his children not think he loved them? Simon thought back. Honestly, he couldn’t even remember the last time he said it, but he did love his children—all of them, from the bottom of his heart. He knew he could be hard sometimes, but it was because he wanted them to be successful in their lives.
Then Simon was dealing with some guilt himself. He felt like a complete failure as a father. He tried to give his children the world and he had let each one of them down. Maybe his children had turned to outside forces because they couldn’t turn to him. David had turned to drugs. Rachel had turned to men. And Jon, well he’d turned to men, too. And that thought alone just absolutely sickened Simon.
“Where did I go wrong, Loretta?” Simon sniffed as he smoothed out the letter that had become crumpled in his grasp.
As much as he loved his son, Simon couldn’t see himself accepting the fact that his pride and joy, the light of his life, was gay. How could Loretta see that something was wrong with Jonathan and he couldn’t? He talked to Jon all the time. He thought Jon was happy with Angela, even telling himself that their separation was just postwedding problems. How could he not see this? Maybe Jon’s just confused. Maybe that Tracy just got him up there at school and messed up his head. That has to be what happened, Simon concluded. He knew he shouldn’t have let Jonathan go to an all-male school.
Let the Church Say Amen Page 19