Chasing Tomorrow

by S. J. McCoy

  “Are you coming in?” she asked when he pulled up back at her grandparents’ house.

  Ben shook his head. “No.” He turned to meet her gaze. “We both need some time to wrap our heads around all this.”

  She reached her arms out to him and he hugged her, but he felt stiff.

  “Please, Ben? Don’t pull away from me. I need you now more than ever.”

  He relaxed a little and stroked her hair. “I’m sorry, Charlie. We’ll get through this. Whatever you decide. I’ll see you when you get back.”

  She nodded sadly. She knew him too well. Much as she wanted to talk him down right now, he needed to be by himself for a while. His sadness gave her strength, it chased away doubt. They’d keep their baby; they’d be great parents even if they were too young. It was all going to be okay. She knew she wouldn’t be able to convince him of that tonight, but when she came back she vowed she would bring a whole new attitude with her. She’d turn this into an adventure, the biggest adventure of their life. She smiled. “Okay. I love you.”

  She clung to him as he held her one last time. “And I love you, Charlie. More than anything in the world.”

  Sitting in Ben’s car in the moonlight on the driveway of her grandparents’ house, neither of them realized that was the last time they would hold each other.

  ~ ~ ~

  Ben smiled at Pete’s mom trying to focus on whatever it was she was saying. Tonight was supposed to be a good time. And it was. A bittersweet last supper for the group of friends who had shared their childhood.

  His mind wasn’t fully present though. He kept thinking about Charlotte. Wondering what she was doing right now, down there in Mexico. He was struggling with the idea that she might choose not to have their baby. Cold shivers ran through him, as they did every time he even considered it. He couldn’t bear the thought. He’d turned it over and over in his head. If she didn’t want the baby…. What? He did! He could raise it. But what about her? He didn’t want a baby and no Charlotte. He couldn’t make her have it. He didn’t know what the hell to do, to think, and looking around at his friends as they laughed and joked, he didn’t even know what to say. He and Charlotte had agreed they wouldn’t break their news until she came back. But right now, he would love to be able to talk to someone. He’d shared all of life’s ups and downs with the others sitting around this table. Just as they’d shared theirs with him. He didn’t like that that was changing. But then everything was changing.

  Emma touched his arm. “Are you all right? You’re quiet tonight.”

  “He’s just missing Charlotte,” said Michael with a laugh.

  “It’s a pity she couldn’t come,” said Mrs. Hemming.

  Ben smiled. “She’d already been invited to her cousin’s birthday party.”

  “In Mexico, no less!” said Missy. “It’s all right for some!”

  Pete laughed. “You’ll probably be in Mexico for spring break next year, Miss.”

  Missy grinned. “I hope so. That’d be awesome.” She looked around at the others. “Maybe we should set it up now? We can all meet up for spring break?”

  “It’d be a bit far for me to come,” said Michael.

  “And I won’t be able to make it,” said Pete. “I’ll be working through all my breaks.”

  “And I’ll need to come back here,” said Emma.

  Missy looked at Ben. He could hardly see him and Charlotte and a baby going on spring break. He shook his head. “We’ll have to see.

  Missy shrugged. “See, it’s all changing already. Here we are saying friends forever, but it’s not going to happen, is it?”

  “Oh, it will!” said Emma. “We’ll just have to plan things right.”

  Ben exchanged a look with Pete. They both wanted to believe Emma, but were realistic enough to know that it was Missy who was right.

  “You’ll work it out,” said Mrs. Hemming with a smile.

  “It’s true,” said Mr. Hemming. “I can tell you from experience that you might only meet up a couple of times a decade rather than a couple of times a year, but with your real friends, the time in between doesn’t matter.”

  Pete smiled at his dad. “Just like you and Uncle David, right?”

  “That’s right. After high school, we didn’t manage to meet up again until after college. And even now we only see each other once every couple of years.”

  “But it’s great fun when you do.”

  “Yes, and you’re still like a pair of children!” said Mrs. Hemming.

  Ben listened to the conversation. He didn’t think he would ever act like a child again. He hadn’t felt like one for years. If ever. It didn’t seem fair that his parents had carried on with the childlike behavior, forcing him to grow up fast. And now, he was going to have a child of his own. That would thrust him firmly into the world of adult responsibilities, whether he liked it or not. He sighed. Unless Charlotte decided otherwise!

  “Are you okay, Ben?”

  Mrs. Hemming put a hand on his arm. He smiled. She was so good to him. Always had been. He didn’t want to ruin this evening that she’d put on for them all. “I’m okay. I’m just worn out.”

  She nodded. “I’m not surprised. You work too hard.”

  He nodded. “And I’m afraid I have to be at work early in the morning. If you don’t mind, I should really get going.”

  The others all protested. He felt bad. This was supposed to be a big night, a last night together. But he just wasn’t into it. After lots of hugs and attempts to make him stay, he managed to get out. He didn’t want to go home. He didn’t know where he wanted to go. He drove out along the old road by the river. Remembering all the times he and Charlotte had walked there. Would they walk their child there someday? Or was Charlotte about to decide otherwise?”

  When he got home, he found a note pinned to the screen door. It was from Tom who managed the lodge. Apparently Charlotte had called. She wanted him to call her back in the morning. He smiled. He hoped she was missing him. He was missing her. He was glad for her sake that she’d gone, but he couldn’t wait for her to come back to him.

  The next morning, he set himself up in the office in the back of the restaurant and dialed the number Tom had written on the note. It took a long time to get through, and when he finally did, a woman who spoke only Spanish didn’t seem able to help him.

  “I need to speak to Charlotte!” he shouted. Wondering even as he did why people, including him, assumed that just repeating things louder and louder would make someone understand them. In this case it worked though.

  “Charlotte.” The woman repeated. “Un momento.”

  He listened to the sound of footsteps. Hopefully she’d come back and wouldn’t just leave him hanging there. After a few minutes that felt like an eternity, Mr. DeWinter picked up.

  “Hello? Who is this?”

  “It’s me, Ben. Charlotte asked me to call her.”

  “Oh. She’s not here.”

  “Do you know when she’ll be back?”

  “No.”

  “Is everything okay?” Mr. DeWinter hardly sounded pleased to hear from him.

  “No. She’s in the clinic. The baby’s gone.”

  Ben braced his hands against the desk to steady himself as the blood rushed to his head. “What?”

  “You should have told us, Ben.”

  He nodded. He knew that! He’d wanted to, but Charlotte had wanted to wait and he hadn’t wanted to force her. “I know. I’m sorry, sir.”

  There was a long silence.

  “I need to talk to her.”

  “She should be back here tonight. You can try her then.” He hung up and the line buzzed in Ben’s ear.

  His legs buckled beneath him and he sat down heavily in the office chair. The baby was gone? She’d just…? He couldn’t believe it. They were going to talk about it when she came home. He’d said he’d support her in whatever she chose. Why had she just gone off to some clinic in Mexico and taken matters into her own hands? How could she do that t
o him? He looked down at his shaking hands. What did that make them as a couple that she could make one of the most important decisions of their life without him?

  Chapter Thirteen

  Charlotte lay in bed, staring at the phone. She needed to talk to Ben. Her grandad had said that he’d told him to call her tonight. She shook her head sadly and wiped away the tears that kept streaming silently down her face. She was in shock. She couldn’t imagine how Ben must feel. She wanted to be mad at her grandad for telling Ben. But it was done. All she wanted now was to talk to him, to be with him again, to hold him and have him hold her so they could grieve together. She hated herself now for ever having considered getting rid of the baby. Now that the decision had been made for her, she’d give anything to go back. But it was too late.

  She’d felt terrible yesterday afternoon. She’d been hanging out with her family at the beach. Everyone was swimming or playing volleyball or sitting around on the loungers chatting. She’d been sitting with two of her cousins when the cramps had started. It felt like period pain at first, but then it got worse and worse. She’d come back up to the house to lie down for a while, hoping that all she needed was some rest and to get out of the sun. She’d known something was very wrong when the bleeding had started. Grandma had come up to check on her and found her curled up on the bed, sobbing and writhing in pain. They’d rushed her to the hospital and, of course, when they got there she’d had to tell the doctors that she was pregnant. She’d never forget the look of shock on her grandparents’ faces. How she wished at that point that she’d agreed with Ben that they should at least tell them and Joe. It was too late now though. They’d found out she was pregnant and that she’d kept it secret from them—and they’d only found out because she was losing the baby.

  Apparently, according to the doctors, she was lucky. She sure as hell didn’t feel very lucky. They’d discharged her this afternoon with assurances that there had been no permanent damage. More tears fell at the thought. Maybe not to her. She’d be able to have children in the future. But this baby was gone. Dead. She broke down as the sobs wracked her body. She needed Ben. They should be together.

  The phone rang. She’d asked that she could keep it up here in her room. She sucked in deep steadying breaths before she answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello.” Ben’s voice sounded flat. How must he be feeling?

  “I’m so sorry, Ben!” She couldn’t help it, she started to sob again.

  He didn’t say anything for a long time. When he did speak, his words stung like nothing she’d felt from him before. “How could you do it, Charlotte?”

  She couldn’t speak. He thought she’d….? How could he? “I didn’t do anything!” she cried when she found her voice. “You think that I… That I’m capable of getting rid of our baby? Without telling you? You think I came to Mexico to go to some seedy clinic?” She was yelling. She couldn’t help it. She was so hurt by his words. She’d thought they were going to talk, to grieve together, and here he was accusing her of…

  “That’s what you wanted.” His voice was still flat and hard.

  “It was not! The possibility occurred to me. That was all. I mentioned it, because I thought you and I could talk about anything and everything. I thought we were in this together.”

  “So did I.”

  “I can’t believe you’d think that of me, Ben.”

  There was a long silence before he spoke again. “I’m sorry.”

  “So am I!” She slammed the phone down and started to cry again. He was supposed to be in this with her. She’d wanted his comfort, his love, and instead he’d thought that she’d done it on purpose. She curled up in a ball and cried and cried.

  She slept fitfully through the night. She was aware of people coming in to check on her now and then. She pretended to be sleeping though. She didn’t want to talk. Didn’t want to have to look anyone in the eye. She’d face them tomorrow. She’d face the future tomorrow.

  ~ ~ ~

  Some two thousand miles away, Ben lay awake in bed, too. His head and his heart were in turmoil. Their baby was gone. And he’d accused Charlotte of getting rid of it. She must hate him! They should be going through this together, and instead she’d hung up the phone and refused to talk to him. He’d tried to call back a couple of times but her family said she needed rest. She was sleeping. He couldn’t believe she was, but either way, she wasn’t going to talk to him.

  He’d been so worried that she didn’t want the baby. When her grandad had said it was gone, he’d assumed he meant that she’d done it. Not that she’d lost it. Hot tears rolled down his face. He knew he’d been much happier than she was at the prospect of becoming parents. She’d said so many times they could wait until they were thirty. He didn’t want to wait that long. He’d also known that a baby would make the kind of life she wanted to live impossible. That’s why he’d jumped to the wrong conclusion. He felt like shit. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was. He wanted to hold her, wanted them to get through this together, but now she wasn’t even talking to him.

  He must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing he knew it was morning. He needed to be up and get down to the lodge. He couldn’t bring himself to do it though. Like everyone had been telling him lately, the place would have to do without him once he left. It may as well do without him today. He went to find Joe.

  The old guy was sitting out on one of the picnic benches behind the restaurant. He was drinking his morning coffee and staring out at the water. Ben went and sat beside him. He didn’t say anything, just stared out at the lake.

  “Want to tell me about it?” asked Joe.

  Ben swallowed the lump in his throat. It was a good few minutes before he trusted himself to speak. “I got Charlotte pregnant.”

  Joe nodded slowly and continued to stare out at the water. “And what are you going to do?”

  Ben shrugged. “There’s nothing to do. She lost it.”

  Joe nodded again. “She’s relieved and you’re not?”

  Ben turned to look at him. “Is that what you’d expect?”

  “Yup.”

  “It’s worse than that. I thought she got rid of it.”

  It was Joe’s turn to look at him. His bushy eyebrows knit together. “Why?”

  “Because she said maybe that would be better. We were going to talk about it when she came back.”

  Joe nodded. “And now she’s hurt that you could think that.”

  “Yeah. And I feel like shit, because she’s grieving and I accused her.”

  “Sounds like the two of you have got some talking to do.”

  Ben sighed. “Except she hung up on me and won’t take my calls.”

  “Well, they’re back tomorrow. She can’t avoid you once she’s here.”

  Ben hoped not.

  He didn’t get the chance to talk to her though. She didn’t come back with her grandparents. He went over to their house and was relieved to see her grandad’s car back in the driveway. His relief turned to disbelief when Mr. DeWinter opened the front door.

  “Can I talk her?”

  The old man shook his head.

  Ben couldn’t believe it.

  “She’s not here.”

  Ben’s heart began to race. “Not here? Then where is she?”

  “She stayed on down in Mexico. Her cousin, Cheryl, has the house rented for another couple of weeks. Charlotte wanted to get herself right before she leaves.”

  Ben stared at him. He couldn’t believe she hadn’t come back. He’d been waiting and waiting. Counting the minutes until she was back and they could talk. And now she wasn’t here. What was he supposed to do now?

  He stared at Mr. DeWinter, lost for words.

  The old man shook his head sadly and put a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Maybe the two of you were trying to take on too much, too soon.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That maybe it’s our fault in part. You’re just kids. We’ve all let you
behave as though you’re grown already. But you’re not. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.”

  Ben stared at him, not understanding.

  “Maybe the two of you should take some time, figure out where each of you want to go in life and whether it’d be better for you to travel separate paths.”

  Ben’s heart felt as though it was doing somersaults. “We’re going to Washington, to school, next week. That’s our path, we’re on it together.”

  “Charlotte’s not. She needs time.”

  Ben rubbed both hands over his face. “Then I’m not. I need to go see her.”

  Mr. DeWinter shook his head. “You need to do what’s right for you, Ben. You need to go start school.”

  “I need to see Charlotte, that’s what I need to do. When’s she coming back?”

  “She hasn’t decided when, or even if, she is yet.”

  Ben’s mind was reeling. This couldn’t be happening. They’d had a misunderstanding. That was all. He’d hurt her, and he understood that, but the way to put it right was to be together, to talk to each other.

  “Maybe it’s for the best, Ben.”

  He shook his head. He and Charlotte were what was best. Together. He backed away from the front door and then turned and ran for his car. He tore away down Main.

  When he got home he dialed the number he had for Charlotte in Mexico. It rang and rang, but no one picked up.

  After half an hour of trying and trying, he finally gave up. He put the phone down and buried his face in his hands. If she wouldn’t talk to him on the phone, he’d just have to go see her. There was no way he was going to let it end like this.

  He looked up when Joe came in. “How did it go?”

  “It didn’t. She didn’t come home. She’s still in Mexico and she won’t answer the phone.”

  “Maybe she needs more time.”

  “I’m sure she does. But this is time we should be spending together, helping each other through. Making up for the misunderstanding and growing stronger from all this. Together.”