Two agonizing hours later, after receiving a graduate level lesson in rock crushing, I was ready to break the news to him and go home to a very large glass of wine.
“Rick, I need to talk to you about us for a second,” I began hesitantly, sounding far more tentative than I had intended.
He leaned forward intently as he responded, “That’s great; I wanted to talk to you too. Things have been going so well between us. Should we go back to your place and chat after I take care of the cheque?”
Oh balls! Well, I’ve put up with him this long. What’s wrong with a little fun before we part? Maybe it’ll give him a fond memory to look back on before I tell him that his search for a morally compatible life partner was not going to end tonight?
“Okay, sure, that sounds great,” I mumbled, trying to hide the self-loathing I was currently experiencing.
I was so going to regret this moment of weakness in a couple of hours.
An hour later, as we were lying in bed, half clothed, my lips desperately trying to keep his shut, he hit me with “So, how do you reconcile working with divorce lawyers and being a Catholic?”
I was mentally flagellating myself for being so weak-willed around the sight of his perfect pecs as I blithely responded, “Well, Jesus did some of his best work with sinners and prostitutes.”
No sooner were the words out of my mouth when I dove for his lovely, firm member, casting aside any remaining shreds of dignity in an effort to shut him up before this ridiculously inopportune conversation could continue.
“But don’t you think it makes it harder for you to respect the institution of marriage and all that it represents when you are constantly in that environment?” he replied, with an air of indignation.
Seriously buddy? I’ve got you in my mouth, I’m doing the best job I can under stressful circumstances, it’s not like there’s a ring on my finger while you’re letting me do this to you, and you’re worried about my views on the institution of marriage?!
“Well, it just reminds me how lucky I am to be with a moral man like yourself, Ricky,” I said between mouthfuls before pushing him back against a pillow as I spun around to climb on top of him.
“But doesn’t it make you uncomfortable being around people profiting from that sort of situation?” he replied, as I eased him inside me.
“Maybe I little” I responded.
Forget a little, this feels like a lot!
“It doesn’t upset you?”
“Not really.”
The fact that you’re talking right now upsets me. Please, please shut your lovely mouth!
“Have you thought about quitting?”
“Yes.”
No, no, don’t stop!
“Are you close to making a decision?”
“I’m not sure.”
Getting pretty close, keep going!
“I’m not sure if I can continue to see you if you’re working there.”
“Okay, if that’s how you feel.”
OMG, you feel so good! I’m so close!
“Maybe we should just part ways then?”
“Yes, yes, OH MY GOD YES!!!”
Well that was easily my best breakup ever! It’s always nice when there’s a moment of complete emotional and physical agreement!
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence – Xenocrates
7. As I strolled into the office the next morning at a practically punctual 8:04 a.m., I was feeling euphoric. I suppose successfully removing a 210 lb. weight off one’s shoulders will do that for a girl.
Sliding into my seat next to Veronica, I couldn’t figure out if I was more excited about the new man in my life or having finally punted the old one to the curb.
As I turned to face Veronica to tell her about my evening, I recoiled in horror as I glanced at her face.
“Veronica, what happened to you?” I exclaimed. “Were you on a date with Chris Brown last night?!” I continued in jest as I stared into two puffy black eyes that her makeup was struggling to obscure.
“I know, I know, I look like a bit like a racoon, don’t I? I’m so glad Maggie is in meetings all day today. I was worried that she was going to tell me to go home and make me use a vacation day,” Veronica replied, the stress evident in her voice.
“So, what happened to you?” I enquired, struggling to even fathom a guess as to what could have left her looking like this.
“Well, my volleyball team was playing last night and I noticed right after I served that I was having a bit of a wardrobe malfunction with my top.”
Veronica was barely 5’3 but she was all curves so any malfunction that occurred had the potential to put someone’s eye out if she wasn’t careful.
“I was standing there trying to adjust things before anyone noticed and I wasn’t really paying attention to the game and a guy on the other team cranked a spike right at me. I looked up just in time to take it off the end of my nose. It’s not broken, thank God, but I ended up face first on the court, seeing stars. Derek came to my rescue and carried me off the court and checked me out. He said that I’ll be fine and I don’t need to have it set or anything but it’s going to be a while before the swelling goes down.”
Derek was a paramedic that Veronica has been flirting with non-stop for the past few months and, if I had to guess, his presence on the court was most likely the reason for the outfit that had malfunctioned.
“He was so sweet when I got hurt. He ended up sitting with me for the rest of the game and he even iced my nose for me. Eventually, when the swelling went down a bit, he felt around again and told me that he didn’t think it was broken and then he kissed the tip of my nose. I was definitely not feeling sexy at that point, but that perked me up a bit and, right after that, he finally asked me out! I don’t know if it’s worth looking like Mike Tyson’s punching bag to finally get a date with him, but at least I don’t have to worry about explaining what happened to me when he picks me up,” Veronica concluded, an excited grin spreading across her cherub face.
“That sounds like quite the night. I’m so glad you didn’t break anything. And Maggie hasn’t seen you yet?” I inquired, anxiously.
Especially after my recent incident, we were both well aware that the ice queen was not the understanding type.
“No, she’s been locked in her office ever since I got in this morning,” Veronica replied, glancing down the hall uneasily.
“Okay, if she heads this way, just scoot into the kitchen and I’ll get rid of her,” I continued, not wanting to lose my partner in crime while she healed up.
Changing the topic, I continued, “That’s so exciting that Derek finally manned up and asked you out. Has he come up with any plans for your date yet?”
“No, I told him to hold off for a while until my resemblance to a raccoon fades away a bit. How was your night? Did you end things with Rick?”
“Yes, it’s finally over and done with and it was far and away the best breakup I’ve ever had. After a gruelling couple of hours at the restaurant, somehow we ended up back at my place. The conversation was heinous, as always, but it worked out beautifully! Basically I came, he went, and that was it,” I said with a massive grin.
As Veronica gazed at me with a look of astonishment, I continued, “He didn’t think that he could handle the idea of me continuing to work in this type of job and there was no way in hell I was going to try to change his mind. He kept talking through the whole thing if you can believe it? Basically he asked me if we should go our separate ways just as I was, umm, starting to completely approve of his position.” I concluded with a smirk.
“At that point I couldn’t really help but sort of loudly agree with him. He was so offended that he just rolled over, put his pants on, grabbed his shirt and he was out the door before my legs had stopped shaking. It was easily the best breakup I’ve ever had!”
“That’s amazing! It’s nice that, after boring you to death for so long, he could at least provide some satisfaction on his way out,” Veron
ica replied.
“And even more so on the way in,” I retorted, giggling loudly enough to bring Maggie’s icy glare in our direction through her office window.
The situation did not improve when Paul burst out of one of our boardrooms, his face a crimson red.
“What’s up buddy?” I asked as he collapsed on the side of the desk.
“There are days when I absolutely love this job,” he exclaimed, breathing deeply as he finally looked up.
“So, you both know about the Bzedniks right?” Paul asked with a gleam in his eye.
Petr Bzednik was about 5’8, balding, and had remarkably bland features which he tried to compensate for with loud, Versace knock-off, shirts. Worse yet, he habitually left them unbuttoned low enough to show off a hint of his pudgy, sagging man breasts, which were partially obscured by his, all natural, fur coat.
On the other hand, he seemed to be a decent businessman and he had done fairly well for himself financially as a restaurant owner. This fact was something which we all suspected may have played no small role in his wife Bianca’s initial ‘attraction’ to him, as her own physical assets were substantial, especially in relation to Petr’s.
Bianca had come to us accusing Petr of cheating on her which, if true, would have been a violation of their pre-nup and would have then entitled her to half of their marital assets.
Unfortunately for Bianca, she had thus far been unable to provide any sort of concrete evidence to support her accusations and Petr had vehemently denied everything.
Petr’s protestations that he had never touched a woman, other than his wife, seemed all too believable every time I had the misfortune of laying eyes on the man.
“Don’t tell me that she finally managed to get some dirt on him?” I replied, idly wondering to myself just how much bling Petr would have to place in front of a girl for the glare to distract her from the ape-like creature sitting across the table.
“Well, get this. Apparently Petr’s kept a parrot as a pet for years. Bianca can’t stand it and she made Petr lock it up in his den. But Petr was away on business for a couple of days and she had to feed the bird and apparently it started getting chatty with her. So, after hearing what this bird had to say, she decided to record some of its greatest hits and she brought the tape to our settlement meeting today. She didn’t even give her counsel a head’s up; she just hit play right after Petr once again denied ever cheating on her. I can’t remember all of it, but my favourites were:
Tell daddy you’re a naughty girl;
Spank me harder; and
Not yet, not yet, not yet!”
“I almost lost it when I heard that last one and Petr’s face went the color of an eggplant. Anyway, Petr’s counsel immediately asked for a short break to discuss things but I heard Bianca’s counsel tell her that she might be able to start house hunting tonight. I don’t know what the chances are of getting this bird admitted into evidence, but I don’t think there’s any way Petr wants to risk his parrot spilling his secrets in open court,” Paul concluded, still beaming from the experience.
“It looks like Christmas isn’t the only thing in Bianca’s life that came early,” I said, my eyes still moist after hearing Paul’s parrot impersonation.
Ricardo could think what he wanted to about the morals involved in divorce work, but you certainly couldn’t beat it for the entertainment value.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing – Edmund Burke
8. That night, I arrived with Veronica at my yoga studio feeling the need to sweat off a few pounds. We were planning to go shopping for my Friday dinner outfit tomorrow and I was determined not to bring along any remnants of my Christmas dinner on that journey.
Of course if I happened to find inner peace and tranquility while I was there, that was always nice too.
As we waded into a dense sea of toned and taut lulu clad yogis, I eventually spotted an opening and we made a quick dash for it.
Sadly, I quickly discovered why the spot had been left open. As Veronica and I laid out our mats on the floor, I glanced around and came face to face with what I had feared most perched on the mat next to me; inappropriate intentions yoga man.
Averting my eyes as quickly as I could, I noted that his gaze was already laser locked onto my chest as I laid out my mat.
I tried to quickly turn towards Veronica before he could attempt to strike up a conversation, but I wasn’t quite fast enough. Stuck in mid-turn, I was hit with what I was sure was a well-practiced line.
“Hi there, would you like me to help you loosen up before class? I just got back from Indonesia and I learned some amazing moves,” he asked, shifting so that he was now uncomfortably close to my mat.
Yeah, like how to leave one hand jammed suspiciously inside your pocket while you leer at my chest. Sorry buddy, I just can’t stop my breasts from staring at your eyes. What were you saying?
“No, I’m alright, thanks,” I said, doing my best to be polite without showing a hint of interest as I not so subtly turned back towards Veronica.
“Do you come here often?” he replied, his eyes still failing to reach neck level.
Seriously, that’s the best you can come up with despite your repertoire of ‘amazing moves’?
“Usually just with my boyfriend,” I replied, deciding it was time to give him a less subtle hint.
“Looks like he couldn’t make it out today?”
Wow, you’re either really thick or just way too persistent for your own good.
“His MMA training ran late. He’s just going to meet me and my friend after the class.”
Men should get pulled aside in high school for a lesson in manners. Maybe while they’re in there someone could mention that skin-tight pants weren’t intended for most members of their species.
Thankfully Veronica had picked up on my predicament and kept up a steady stream of conversation that precluded any further interruptions until class began.
“Maybe this is your karma balancing itself out?” she whispered to me as she nodded towards my buddy with a giggle.
“First you have a random encounter with an amazing guy then, to balance things out, you get stuck next to a douche at yoga who’s probably here because it’s the only place he doesn’t have to pay to see girls spread their legs.”
Veronica could have been right but it was still a fair trade in my mind. Well, it would be assuming that my new buddy eventually takes the hint.
Fifteen minutes or so into the class, I had managed to work up a decent sweat and it was only partially induced by my fear of turning over and having my neighbour loose an eye in my cleavage.
Then, just as I was starting to relax and lose myself in the session, I felt two hands on my hips. I knew from the distance of the instructor’s voice that my unwanted friend had stepped things up as he murmured into my ear, “You’re a bit stiff, why don’t you just let my hands guide you.”
At that point, totally fed up by the uninvited invasion of my personal space, I snapped.
I popped to my feet, pushing his hands away as I said as loudly as I could, “I don’t need to know how stiff your tiny little bit is, get your hands off me now! If you’re looking to get something rubbed, go to a massage parlor!”
Good Vibrations Page 4