* Your excuse needs to be anything but the truth. On the chart comparing the things that people secretly hate about women, staying home with a sick kid is one notch above being childless and happy. You will be penalized, even if it’s in a subtle or small way. You must lie. And please, no fake deaths. This is not elementary school, and you’re too old to have a dying grandmother.
Jury duty. This is bulletproof, as long as your boss doesn’t ask for paperwork.
Anything financial: closing on a house, meeting with your accountant. An audit works particularly well here—most people believe that only winners or men attract the attention of the IRS.
If you are under forty or pretending to be, consider acting as if you are hungover from a wild night. It makes you seem young and … not like someone’s mother. Which we can agree is 100 percent less sexy than being a father.
If you’re lucky:
* Befriend a stay-at-home mom and see if you can do a trade-out. Or pay her. Those ladies get no compensation and not enough respect.
* A last-minute babysitting service. They are expensive, but that frees you up to save the lies for when you really are hungover or being audited.
Remember: No matter how supportive your coworkers pretend to be, it’s a lie. And there’s only one way to offset a lie, and that’s to tell another lie.
How to Get a Job Working the Front Desk of a Top-notch Pediatrician
* Must be able to tell a parent to “have a seat,” without making eye contact.
* Must be comfortable responding to every situation with the phrase “Have you signed in?” Examples:
“Excuse me, I have been waiting for over an hour.”
“Have you signed in?”
“Excuse me, but it feels like my baby’s temperature has gone up since we got here.”
“Have you signed in?”
“Excuse me, but a man with a knife is standing behind you, and he says that he will stab you repeatedly if you ask me again if I have signed in.”
“Have you signed in?”
* Must not express human emotion, unless the parent did not bring cash for the co-pay. And the only acceptable emotion is “annoyance.”
* Must not tell a parent that the doctor is running late, especially if the parent asks, “Is the doctor running late?” Instead, double-check that the parent has signed in.
SECTION NINE
AWKWARD
CONVERSATIONS
* CHAPTER 38 *
White Moms: How to Bounce Back After You Ask an African-American Mom if the Wrong African-American Child Is Hers
Note: While Sh*tty Mom is a book for mothers of every race, ethnicity, nationality, sexuality, and gender, the following chapter is written exclusively for white moms. Well-meaning white moms.
Let us first establish that you are a good person. You have only the best of intentions. You love that your white kids are friends with other-race kids. The black kid, the Hispanic kid, that Asian girl, that ethnically vague kid down the street with the brown curly hair (Arabian? Italian? Kardashian?). It’s all good! You fully believe that diversity produces well-rounded children who will succeed in an America where, soon, whites will no longer be the majority.
Yay, you!
Here you are, at your daughter’s Saturday morning gymnastics class, watching from the bleachers. In her class are two African-American girls, and in the bleachers with you are two African-American moms. One of the girls—the one with the cornrows—executes a nice, clean backbend. You are impressed. You want her mother to know that you are democratically excited about every child’s accomplishment, even if they’re black. (Don’t worry, you didn’t say that out loud.)
Unfortunately, you don’t know which African-American woman is the mother of Backbend Girl. However, your keen eye observes that one of the moms has cornrows. Just like Backbend Girl! What are the odds that—STOP RIGHT NOW.
Please.
This is one of those things that, even if it goes well, will net you a nearly pointless victory. Who are you going to tell? Is there a whites-only message board where you can post about successfully matching the African-American mom to the African-American child?
And do you think the African-American mom gives a shit? Will she go onto her blacks-only message board and post that “white people are finally getting us”?
There’s no winner in this scenario. There’s only a loser who didn’t lose as much as she could have.
Even worse: What if you guess wrong? What then? Will you panic and explain your cornrows theory? Will you realize how white you sound and overcorrect yourself by saying something worse? Or will you switch races completely and attempt to match the Chinese girl to the adoptive white mom? Only to find out that a) the Chinese girl is Japanese and b) she’s not adopted. Good God, woman, you’re spinning out of control!
A few things you can do:
* Say, “Oh, my mistake!”
* Stop talking.
Note to African-American moms: Please give Well-Meaning White Mom a break. She probably grew up in the last town in America to have no black people. She believes that your child’s very existence will enrich her child’s life. To her, you are the mystical mother of a fairy princess—with cornrows.)
Remember: It’s always OK to ask “Which kid is yours?”
* CHAPTER 39 *
How to Get Rid of a Mom Who Wants to Stay Over During the Entire Playdate
The playdate is set. That mom you don’t know very well, but whose daughter plays OK with yours, is dropping her child off at one P.M. That means from one till about … three-ish, your child will be occupied. And, in the world of parenting (and Orwell), Occupation = Freedom. Oh, you may have to referee a fight or two, pour some juice, pass out cookies … but that’s a small price to pay for several ten-minute increments of solitude. You can Facebook, watch some 30 Rocks, and finish reading last month’s Real Simple.
Ahhh.
Mom and child arrive. You welcome them inside. Your kid drags hers to the bedroom. The mom follows. Yes, her child will be safe and happy here. You don’t cook meth—in fact you barely cook food. The floor is clean-ish and the toys are mostly lead-free. The mom approves. You leave the children to play, and you move to escort the mom out the front door and she … sits down on your couch.
“So,” she asks, picking up your Real Simple. “What do you do?”
It’s over. Instead of enjoying some semi-alone time, you are stuck on a mom-date. Two hours of what the husbands do for a living, how well your kids sleep through the night: the vague chitchat that women engage in when the only thing they have in common is similar-age kids. If you absolutely can’t fake it, you have two options:
1. Include the mom in your plans. Perhaps she thinks she has to stay over, and is as uncomfortable as you are. Pour alcohol. She’s probably also behind on 30 Rock. Best case: You make a friend. Worst case: The mom thinks you are a day drinker and never brings her kid over again. If she spreads the word, you will become popular with other day drinkers, and that can’t be a bad thing.
2. Just be honest, sort of. Say, “You know, there’s so much laundry and cleaning that I was hoping to get done while the girls played.…” Then just trail off and stand there awkwardly. Chances are fifty-fifty that she will respond with “Me too! Do you mind if I come back at three?”
And then you’ve made a real friend.
Remember: If you want a new friend, open some wine. If you don’t, open the door.
* CHAPTER 40 *
“Your Daddy Is a Cheating Fuckbag” and Other Sentiments You Should Keep to Yourself
This is difficult, because it’s something you have to not do. Every day. Forever.
So let’s us grown-ups, pause to acknowledge that your ex is indeed a shithead. He is a Loretta Lynn song—he done you wrong. A no-good lyin’ cheatin’ drinkin’ beatin’ varmit rascal who made bad love and worse coffee. You are better off without him, and your kids don’t have to see the two of you miserable together.
The divorce or breakup was a good thing.
Unfortunately, that fuckup is your kids’ father, and no matter what he did to you (or them), they love him. It is one of the world’s great injustices that you cannot speak the truth about that man without harming your kids.
Your best option is to say nothing negative in their presence. Which is easier written than done. Every day of your life will be a character test, and some days you will fail.
How can you refrain from saying shitty things about your ex in front of the kids?
1. Say shitty things to your ex, via text. There’s no need to raise your voice on the phone or in person when you can type “YOU OWE ME CHILD SUPPORT” in exciting all caps.
2. Say shitty things about him to your friends. They never liked him anyway.
3. Say shitty things about him on anonymous message boards. Get instant feedback from other anonymous posters. Repeat until you are all bored.
4. Tweet (but not under your name). Create an anonymous Twitter account using a Gmail address and tweet his transgressions. And so that we can all follow along: hashtag #sh*ttymomsh*ttyex.
5. Raise children who possess critical thinking skills. One day they’ll figure out that you did 90 percent of the work. And you will get your props during their valedictorian/Heisman/inaugural speech.
6. Have sex. The importance of fresh genitals cannot be overstated. You don’t have to marry this one either, OK? Get laid, then get out.
7. Begin a new relationship. Match.com is full of guys who hate their ex-wives as much as you hate your ex-husband. Meet! Mate! The friction caused by your vigorous hatesex will create a new energy that can propel you both into healthier, happier relationships.
8. If you were the asshole who ruined things, well, shut up—and hope the kids don’t find out.
Remember: It’s not your kid’s fault that you’re attracted to douchebags.
* CHAPTER 41 *
When Strangers Assume Your Long-Haired Boy Is a Girl
You and your two-year-old son are waiting in line at the grocery store. Your son has longish hair. He doesn’t mind it and you can’t bear to cut it. Especially now that his dad is going bald. Someone’s got to have a mane in the family, right?
Prominently displayed in your cart is a box of Go Diego Go diapers. Your son is wearing a Thomas the Tank Engine T-shirt, and bending his hand into a finger gun, which he is aiming at human beings. All signs point to “boy.” Nevertheless, the woman standing in line behind you says, “Oh my goodness, your daughter has such beautiful curls!”
You’re cool. This happens sometimes. No biggie.
“Actually,” you say, “he’s my son, but thank you, I love his curls, too.”
End of story, this chapter is over.
Actually, no. People hate making gaffes. It embarrasses them. Now this woman is embarrassed by her mistake. And if there’s one thing embarrassed people need, it’s someone to blame.
You.
“Well,” says the woman, “if you don’t want people to think he’s a girl, then you should trim his hair!”
Oh, no. She went Boolean on your ass with an if/then statement. The “if/then,” when applied to a parent and analyzed for subtext, is nearly always an insult. In this case, what she meant was, “If you were a better mother, then I wouldn’t have thought your son was a girl.”
What is to be done here? She is a stranger. This isn’t a fight that will be fun to win, like the ones you have with your mother-in-law. If you are feeling feisty, you can toss back your own “If I was more of a bitch, then I’d say that the only thing that needs to be trimmed around here is your forty-five-inch waist.”
But if you say that, then you are teaching your son to fight like a girl.
Remember: The only babies that don’t get mistaken for the wrong gender are baby girls whose ears have been pierced. And if you do that without being Hispanic, then you will be judged.
Five Things Your Four-Year-Old Son Will Learn if You Accidentally Bring Him into the Women’s Locker Room at the YMCA, Instead of the Family Locker Room
* Naked ladies are mean and they yell when you look at them.
* Naked ladies should put more hair between their legs so they can look like Mommy.
* Naked ladies don’t want to see my Star Wars backpack.
* Naked ladies don’t care if I shot a thousand bad guys. Or a million bad guys. Or a million thousand bad guys.
* It’s hard to walk with my eyes closed.
SECTION TEN
WE DIDN’T
FORGET
ABOUT YOU,
SH*TTY
DADS!
* CHAPTER 42 *
He Wants Sex, You Want to Sew Your Legs Shut for Ten Years
First of all, you must have compassion for these men. After the baby is born, your man’s body is exactly the same and yours is completely different. Your nipples are rough, and breathing causes your stomach to ripple like a jumped-on water bed. During the birth, your vagina was ripped apart or your body was cut open.
If you are a lesbian couple … one of you just experienced the miracle of childbirth and the other still looks hot. (And if you are two dads—well, carry on, you jerks.)
But these straight men, they are unchanged. And now that your pregnancy is over, they want things to go back to normal. They want fondling and touching and sex. They want you.
It would be sweet if it wasn’t so incredibly painful.
What do you want? Sleep. Help. Your old body back. Just one day where you aren’t worrying about SIDs or autism or BPA or preschool admission.
Neither of you will get your needs met, for a while. In the meantime:
ALLOW AND ENCOURAGE PORN.
Porn is an effective way for some men to relieve their genitals of excess sperm. (Surplus sperm, according to its many sufferers, is a medical condition more painful than losing a limb.)
You don’t have to watch porn with your husband, but don’t stand in his way. Unless you are going to let him watch it through your legs.
ON OCCASION, GIVE IT UP.
If you’re not getting sleep, you probably feel and look like shit. But he doesn’t care, and may not even notice. He just wants to have sex, and you’re the one he’s supposed to do it with. Guys are cute that way. Sex may make him more inclined to help you, which means you might get to sleep in on “your” morning to feed the baby. He’s getting sex, you’re getting sleep. Needs are being met. You will survive this.
RESTORATION OF THE CRUCIAL SEX:MASTURBATION RATIO.
Slowly, the “sex to masturbation ratio” will return to pre-baby levels. (S2M ratio being the amount of times you two have sex together vs. the amount of times he gives up and masturbates instead.) If, prior to the baby, you had sex two times for every five times he masturbated, then your S2M ratio was 2:5. For the first six weeks after the baby’s arrival, it will be 0:40. Six months later, you will be at 1:20, and by the time your child is seven years old, you will be back to 2:5.
Or divorced.
Remind yourself: You will get your desire back. Your top priority is to survive the first year without killing yourself, your baby, or his father.
* CHAPTER 43 *
How to Make Your Husband or Babydaddy Stop Calling Your Son “Bro”
Had you known that the first words your husband would say to your newborn son would be “What’s up, bro?” you probably wouldn’t have mated with him. But it’s too late now. However, you can and must nip Cool Dad in the bud. Address these points in your sit-down:
EXPLAIN THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
“Bro,” like its 1990s predecessor “dude,” is a peer-to-peer nickname only. Boys do not fear anyone who calls them “bro,” and there comes a time in every boy’s life when he needs to fear the wrath of his father. Because “Bro, I am so going to take away your driving privileges if you get a ticket” isn’t going to make a sixteen-year-old follow the speed limit.
IT’S CONFUSING.
What if you have another male child? W
hat then?
“Bro, please stop hitting your bro. Thanks, bros.”
BRO’S FEMALE COMPLEMENT IS EVEN WORSE.
What if you have a daughter? And what if your daughter is walking in front of her brothers, but for safety’s sake, you want the boys to walk ahead of her? Will Cool Dad stop your daughter and say, “Sweetheart, bros before hos”?
IT’S INACCURATE.
A father cannot also be his son’s brother unless your family dynamics are incredibly dysfunctional. How can you demand your son get an A in science when his own father does not understand basic biology?
FACE IT, WE ARE WHAT WE ONCE DESPISED.
The very act of being a dad means that, for a decade, his kids will be embarrassed by the sight of him. No matter how rockin’ he was as a single guy, he is a father now, and as such, everything he touches turns to lame. His retro T-shirts will be stupid, his tattoos will be tired, and his piercings will be weak. No dad is more embarrassing than the one trying to be cool.
Remember: Sons break away from their fathers, daughters laugh at their mothers.… We are doomed to become our parents and we can’t “bro” our way out of it.
* CHAPTER 44 *
Sh*tty Mom Ode to the Stay-at-Home Dad
Sh*tty Mom Page 9