Sh*tty Mom

  You are almost ready. There’s only one thing left to do: have your roots done.

  The first few hours after the baby comes, you will be in a blurry, ecstatic state. Flush with new mama-love and painkillers. Then the anesthesia or epidural will wear off. You’ll need to pee. The bathroom will be four feet away and to get there you’ll need a walker. During this trek, you will understand your vagina is being held together by stitches. If you had a C-section, there is a thin-lipped smile across your stomach. You look like what you are: a childbirth survivor.

  Now the outlines of your new life are growing clear and crisp. Body halves held together by threads, the vague memory of that shit taken in the delivery room (and in front of your husband). Breasts that are full and leaking a milk stain down your shirt, in the shape of Chile.

  What you need right now is to look in the mirror and think, “God damn. At least my hair looks good.”

  Make an appointment, and do it quick in case the baby comes early. If you can afford more procedures, get a pedicure and wax your legs. Basically, make it so that for the first six weeks, you don’t need to check on any hair below your waist. If you bend over for a calf shave too soon, you might get a glimpse of the vaginal damage before the swelling subsides, and your despair will be unending.

  For this reason, bikini or Brazilian wax is not advised. You need coverage.

  Remember: To steal an aphorism from Alcoholics Anonymous: “First things first.” Roots, then baby.

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  Each of the four authors is, in her own way, a Sh*tty Mom.

  LAURIE KILMARTIN is an Emmy-nominated writer for CONAN on TBS, and a stand-up comedian who’s appeared on CONAN, Last Comic Standing, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Comedy Central. She lives in Los Angeles with her son.

  KAREN MOLINE is a journalist and author who has written over two dozen nonfiction books as well as two novels, Lunch and Belladonna. Karen and her son live in New York City.

  ALICIA YBARBO is a four-time Emmy Award–winning producer. She’s worked for NBC Sports, ABC’s The View, and NBC’s Today show, where she’s been since 2000. She lives in New York City with her husband and their two children.

  MARY ANN ZOELLNER is a three-time Emmy Award–winning producer who has worked at NBC News for sixteen years. Prior to that she worked for the Jenny Jones Show and Larry King Live. Mary Ann lives in New York City with her husband and their two daughters.

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