it comes up and goes down at will,
but my world remains dark all the same.
The bed, these sheets, my heart, this pain
are all I have,
and these words -
that shatter the silence into a billion shards,
with jagged edges I could slash my wrists with.
But escape is not an option
and release is not going to be easy.
I am going to go someday
but the world isn’t kind enough
to let me leave my pain behind.
I have to fight it.
I have to live it.
And so I do.
Sleep is an enemy these days.
***
A week passed without the blackmailer contacting her.
Tashi spent her days in constant mental anguish, the vibrator wrapped up in its box stuffed inside her closet. It felt like a ticking time bomb – about to explode any instant at the whim of her tormentor. She kept waiting for his message, for another outrageous demand she knew was due.
Whenever she went to the office, every message on her phone made her jump in terror. Tashi hadn’t gathered the nerve to approach the police for help. She was terrified that the blackmailer might somehow find out and do something drastic to get back at her. Ever since he had shown up at her doorstep, she no longer knew how close an eye he might be keeping on her, and in her current plight, she knew she was in no position to be reckless. A plan had to be worked out to get out of this situation, and Tashi was running out of ideas.
Akash’s confession had turned her world upside down, making him feel more like a stranger than someone she had shared so much of her life with once upon a time. The shock and the constant paranoia were taking a toll on her work – with her team-lead asking on more than one occasion if she felt herself up to the challenges of the new project. Her competency was being put into question, and try as she might, getting back on track was proving to be difficult.
At home, her mother kept attempting to get her out of her foul mood, but she knew they were growing more and more distant with each passing day. They were each wrapped in blankets of their own anguish, trying hard to let the other in, but finding no way to do it. Though they lived in the same house, it was as if they were inhabiting two separate worlds.
The days were hard, the nights harder, and life had set itself into a cruel routine – one that felt suffocating and constrained, leaving her no room to breathe.
One night, Tashi came home to find her mother awake, busy in the kitchen preparing dinner. When she heard the door open, her mother wiped her hands on the apron and walked towards Tashi, a nervous smile on her face.
Tashi willed herself to smile back.
Without warning, her mother wrapped her arms Tashi’s neck, pulling her into a tight embrace. Tashi stood for a while, her back stiff, hands hanging by her side, letting the warmth register, letting the love seep into the pores of her soul so clogged with shame and hate.
Then, she wrapped her arms around her mother’s back and rested her chin on her shoulder.
Tashi hadn’t wanted the hug, but she took it. She needed it.
After a moment, something unspoken seemed to pass between the them. Her mother pulled back and motioned for her to sit as she laid out a dinner for two.
Tashi didn’t have the energy to plod through a conversation, so she asked, “Mom, why didn’t you eat yet? It’s late, and I was hoping to get some work done in my room over dinner.”
“I know you are busy,” her mother replied, “but I was hoping my daughter would have at least one meal with me after pretending like I don’t exist for the past few weeks.”
Her face betrayed no sadness, but with guilt, Tashi realised that the lines around her mouth had deepened, and her eyes had sunk in the black rings around them. She looked at least ten years older than what she remembered.
So caught up was she in her own troubles, that Tashi hadn’t realised how hard the situation must have been for her mother. Last year, she had practically plucked her mother out from her life in Bomdila and convinced her to move to Delhi. “I promise I will keep you so entertained, you will not miss any of your friends,” she had claimed with a wide smile. And true to her word, Tashi had taken care to introduce her to all the older ladies from the apartment complex, and take her out for a ‘ladies’ day out’ every alternate weekend. But after the blackmailer had turned her world upside down, Tashi had barely spoken to her mother, let alone take her out on trips.
Gulping down remorse, she looked up and spoke, “Of course I have time, mom. I am terribly sorry about the past few weeks. I was so caught up in work that-”
Her mother put a wrinkled hand over her own and said, “I know you well, Ashi dear. You have always been smart enough to balance your work and life. But of late, you don’t talk to me even when you are home, and all my attempts to start a conversation are rebuffed.”
“Mom, I’m sorry I-”
“Please let me finish, dear,” she interrupted her daughter with a raise of her hand. “I have known you since you were a baby. I can tell that something is very wrong now; you are hiding something from me.”
Tashi stared, at a loss for words. “Mom, it’s not like that, I-” she fumbled.
But her mother stopped her again. Her voice was kind and her eyes were filled with tears. “Whatever it is that is going on with your life, dear,” she said quietly. “It is okay if you do not feel comfortable sharing. But I want you to know that I am here for you, no matter what.”
Tashi suddenly found she could no longer speak, lest she burst into tears. Pouting slightly to mask her frown, she merely nodded and gripped her mother’s hand tighter.
“Only for tonight,” her mother continued, “will you forget the problem and eat with me like the old times?”
Tashi nodded once again, eyes swimming with tears she refused to shed.
“I know I have raised a strong girl, and I know you will emerge victorious from what is troubling you, dear,” she said with a reassuring smile.
If only Tashi could share her mother’s enthusiasm.
***
One Sunday afternoon, when Tashi was in her room taking an afternoon nap, her phone pinged with a message from an unknown number. She woke up with a start and sat on the bed, heart beating hard against her chest.
She was terrified, every fibre in her body screaming that it must be the blackmailer again. With trembling hands, she picked up the phone and unlocked the screen.
“Hey Tash. It’s me, Manav. Guess what? I’m in Delhi for two weeks. Let’s catch up tonight?”
For the first time in several weeks, Tashi heaved a sigh of relief after reading a text message on her phone.
Even after all the changes their jobs had brought into their lives, Manav had remained her best friend - the only person she could open up to with no qualms. But today, she felt weary - too exhausted to put on a mask, smile and pretend everything was all right when they met.
She wasn’t ready to share her secret with him either.
So she took the easy way out. With a heavy heart, she replied, “I’ll be out for work the next few weeks. Sorry Manav, I can’t make it.”
Lying to people who love you has become so simple, Tashi thought to herself for the second time that month. She was about to turn out the lights and go back to sleep when a sudden notification on her phone brought her back to her senses. She didn’t even need to look at the screen to confirm.
It was an email from the blackmailer: “Did you like the little present I left at your doorstep?”
Tashi paused, horrified. The first line of the blackmailer’s email left her throat dry. She gulped and read on.
“Tonight, I want you to do something special. I have seen how beautiful you look naked. I want that body of yours to dance according to what I say. I have sent batteries with the present. You know what to do. Tonight, I want you to put on a show for my eyes only, bitch. I crave for you to scream a
nd moan for me like you did in those videos.”
Tashi turned away from the screen, her eyes burning with tears. This man was talking about her body as if it was his right to dehumanise her, to demean her, to make her hate her own self. She felt humiliated that someone had this much control over her life, and she didn’t so much as know his name.
Her self–esteem was broken, reduced to nothing but damaged bits.
The mail went on: “Do you want to know how much it would turn me on seeing you fuck yourself with a dildo on my command? I have attached an image with this email – so you can see how hot I find you.”
Heart filled with disgust, she looked at the picture he had sent. It was a photograph of his fist holding an old picture of herself. He had printed it out – and in it, she was wearing a night-dress, with one of her breasts popping out. Her right hand held the phone and her left was between her thighs.
Her face had a playful expression as if inviting the viewer to come and play with her.
And at the top corner of the image, covering her impish grin, she could see a load of viscous white liquid. With horror, she realised it was semen - as if the blackmailer had masturbated to her picture and orgasmed right on top of it.
Tashi’s brain fogged up, and she could think straight no longer. Here was a faceless man who had so much access into her world; who was doing unspeakable things with her images. And the worst of it all was, he had enough power to ruin her life with just one click if he so wished.
Her chest felt uncomfortably tight.
Her head was spinning and she could feel her armpits were swathed in sweat. She hastily removed the cardigan she was wearing and walked to the kitchen sink, intending to splash some cold water on her face. But as soon as she let the tap run, her body trembled all over. She sat down on the floor, no longer trusting she could stand. Her heart was pounding hard against her rib cage. She tried closing her eyes to calm herself, but her breaths were sharp and shallow, her chest heaving with each laboured gasp. Her vision darkened, as if an invisible hand had turned out all light switches in the world. Bright stars popped in the darkness, swimming around in the blank space, making her head spin.
I’m dying, a voice in her head spoke. This is what death feels like. This is how my mother will find my body. I am going to die alone.
And then, slowly, Tashi sank to the floor, her hair flying in a messy bunch around her head. She could see nothing, hear nothing, save the unrelenting tick-tock of the clock by the refrigerator.
***
She didn’t know whether it was an hour or ten before she came to her senses. Tashi felt disoriented, not sure whether it was day or night outside. The throbbing ache at the back of her skull was the only thing reminding her she was alive.
Pressing both her palms on the cold kitchen floor, she sat up weakly and attempted to steady herself. She dragged her frail body to the bed and somehow crawled underneath the sheets.
Her heart was beating wildly, but she gathered the strength to pick up her phone again. She had lost the will and courage to fight back, and all she could think of were ways to escape. With quivering fingers, she typed – “Please let me go, I beg you. I will give you any amount of money you ask for. I will sell my apartment, I will take a fucking loan, but I will give you whatever you ask. Please leave me alone-,” she broke down halfway, her helpless sobs filling the chilly air with despair. She didn’t know how she managed to send over her half-typed email.
The blackmailer’s reply came within a few seconds: “If money was what I was after, I would have had other men fuck you already – many times over. Don’t you get it, you slut? I don’t want your fucking apartment, I want you. I want to be in control of your life; to be the only one who orders you around. I want to control every action of yours till you know you have no option but to obey me.”
A wave of nausea overcame her.
His message went on - “Be prepared at seven in the evening. We are going to do a saucy video call.”
And from the deepest pits of her helplessness, Tashi managed to pull out the last ounce of courage. In a desperate attempt to hold on to what remained of her dignity, she typed, “No. I refuse to do that. I am not getting on a video call with you. Please, just go away.”
With that, she kept her phone aside and took several deep breaths. She had a terrible feeling in her heart that if she pushed him too hard, there was no end to what extreme lengths the blackmailer could go to get what he wanted. And now, after he had turned up at her doorstep, she felt so anxious about what he might do next, that she almost considered sending him another mail and apologising.
But what would you do after that? A voice in her head asked. Would you really strip for him and fuck yourself with a dildo when he is recording every second? He has already masturbated to a picture of your face; now he will do the same looking at you live and you are going to watch him. Do you want to let that happen?
Tashi drew her knees close and hugged them so tight, her knuckles grew white as bone. “No,” she screamed at the walls, breaking down in desperate sobs. “No, I will not let that happen.”
The little yellow clock by her bedside table told her there were still five more hours before her mother would come back home from Sumi’s wedding. She cried on, sitting curled up in bed in a position where the only thing that could give her some solace was the thought of escaping.
Escaping in any possible way, because all this fighting was only doing her more harm.
And then, as if intending to break her false sense of security, her phone rang. She turned to look at the screen - it was a call from a number she hadn’t seen before. With an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach, she put it to her ear and mouthed in a trembling voice, “Hello?”
“Hi, is this miss Tashi?” a male voice asked. It sounded as if the speaker was young, possibly still in his early teens – his voice hadn’t broken yet.
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“Hi, I am from Gurgaon too. I am very interested in your... erm, proposal. Please tell me how and when we can meet?”
His words made no sense. Gaining her composure, she cut in, “Excuse me, what proposal are you talking about?”
“Uh, actually, I was talking about the one you put up online.” He sounded uncomfortable as if talking to her required him to muster all his courage.
Her phone beeped with another call from a different number. “Hold on,” she told the boy. “I am getting another call.”
With that, she switched calls and answered, “Hello?”
“Tashi Chotten?” This time, it was a man who sounded a lot older and more confident. From the way he pronounced her name, she could tell he had had no previous interaction with anyone from Arunachal before.
“Yes, who’s this?”
“I am interested in your offer, assuming you had uploaded the video yourself. I respect consent, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong if two adults mutually decide to hook up and have some fun. Plus, I always wanted to fuck one of your North Eastern chicks.”
But Tashi had stopped listening to him after he had said the word ‘video’. Her heart filled with horror, and she asked in a small, squeaky voice - “I’m sorry, but what exactly did you see? I haven’t uploaded anything anywhere.”
There was a silence on the other end, and within a few seconds, a dial tone greeted her ears. She let out a pained breath, her brain working furiously to digest what had just happened. Her phone beeped again – it was a message from the man who had called.
With a sense of dread weighing her shoulders down, she opened it. It contained a link to a website famous for its adult content.
A message from another new number had appeared on her screen before she could click on the link. She opened it, her heart already assuming the worst.
“Please send me your address and bank account details. I will arrive by 6 PM and would like to book you for three hours of service.”
***
The wind was blowing wildly outside, knocki
ng on her balcony door like an unwelcome intruder. Tashi felt herself gravitating towards it, till she opened the door and let herself out. The glare of the dying sun felt harsh on her face, and she lifted a hand to shield her eyes. All the birds had gone home, leaving the fiery sky devoid of music. And life.
To her right, several buildings were clustered together, making up the only neighbourhood she had known for the past two years. To her left, was the route she always took to her office. In front of her was the sky laden with crimson clouds and behind her was everything she wished she could run away from.
What if this was it?
What if this was all there is?
Tashi looked around. She was alone. She took her first step toward the edge of the balcony.
Her dark hair was flying wildly around her pale face. Her cheeks were tear-streaked, as if she had been crying for hours, but her eyes held determination. Strangely, they were dry.
Despite the sounds of heavy traffic below, the world was unnaturally quiet.
The icy wind licked her bare shoulders, making her shiver in the pre-winter chill. Her mother would have scolded her and asked her to wear a sweater lest she catch a cold. But somehow, the thought didn’t bother her.
In fact, nothing bothered her except that she could take one step – just one – and this whole nightmare would be over in an instant.
She looked down at the bleak concrete below. She was ten floors above it, so close to ridding herself of the guilt and shame: it would save her reputation in front of the society and spare her mother from a lifetime of regret.
Tashi shivered as thoughts of her mother filled her head. She would be sad, yes, for there would be no closure. She would not understand why her daughter jumped to her death on a cold October evening.
Maybe she would blame her for being selfish, or maybe she would chide herself for not being selfless enough.
The chill got to her. She bit her lips and hugged herself tight. She remembered the warm hug her mother had given her yesterday when she left, and hot tears filled her eyes. I wish I could hug mother one last time, she thought.
What Did Tashi Do Page 4