Imagined Love

  “Well, I ain’t doing that either,” she snickered, playfully pushing him away.

  At one point during their relationship Richard expressed his frustration that he was the only one performing oral sex. Jade’s solution was for him to stop doing it and then he’d have no reason to be frustrated. It wasn’t the answer he was hoping for but knew not to push the issue. Jade obviously had a real hang up about it and Richard couldn’t get her to relax or trust him enough to do it.

  Jade knew he was adamant about taking routine HIV tests and decided to ask about his most recent one. There was no need in beating around the bush since they both knew having sex was part of the night’s plan. Richard’s last test was a month earlier after having a one-night stand with a former co-worker. He told Jade all the details including that he’d used a condom and didn’t engage in oral sex. Hers was five months ago after the last time she was with Levi. They used condoms as well. Jade insisted upon it every time, yet another thing that bugged Levi. He was already offended that she made him show his HIV test results instead of taking his word it was negative. And then she still refused to have sex “raw” no matter how much he begged her. Levi complained that Jade made him feel nasty and hoped his pouting would persuade her. She turned over and went to sleep, proving how unimportant their sex life was to her. He never bothered Jade about it again.

  The dinner was wonderful as well as the company. Richard and Jade laughed and played together like kids. He chased her around his place, tickled at the way she screamed every time he came close to catching her. He finally scooped Jade up

  in his arms and tossed her on his bed. Richard jumped in beside her and rubbed his hand across her stomach.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, planting a kiss on her chin. Richard was mesmerized by her provocative eyes and couldn’t stop staring into them. “You have some kind of power over me, woman, you know that? I still feel connected to you and I know it wasn’t an accident we ran into each other today. You should have seen me running through that store trying to find you. I picked up your scent and went searching like a bloodhound,” he chuckled. “I know that probably sounds crazy but it’s true. I knew you were there. I could feel it deep inside of me and I had to find you. I miss you, baby. I was miserable after I saw you the last time because all I wanted to do was be with you and it ate me up that I couldn’t. I felt angry and jealous and that’s just not me. But when it comes to you, it’s different. You get to me in a way no one else can and I know it’s because I’m . . . I’m still in love with you, Jade.”

  She kissed him. “Make love to me, Richard. Please.”

  He searched Jade’s eyes momentarily trying to gauge what she was feeling. He planted a soft kiss on her lips then held her tight. “I told you before, baby, you don’t have to beg me for anything. I’ll gladly do whatever you want me to do,” he winked. Then Richard undressed Jade slowly the way she liked. He kissed and caressed every inch of her body and spent the next hour granting her request. “I miss you so much, baby,” he moaned.

  Once they were done, Jade thanked Richard and told him he was just what she needed. His loud snoring made it obvious he hadn’t heard a word she said. She laughed then tiptoed to the bathroom thinking about him. Richard was the best lover Jade ever had and she loved the way he made her feel. It wasn’t always perfect, but she liked being able to tell him when he was doing something that didn’t feel good and he stopped immediately without throwing a fit like Levi did. Richard wasn’t so arrogant to think he was above correction. He encouraged Jade to tell him what she liked or didn’t like to make sure she enjoyed their lovemaking sessions. And she always did. She still couldn’t reach an orgasm but it was something Jade had resolved would never happen.

  “Damnnn, girl! That was incredible!” Richard declared when he joined Jade in the bathroom. “I swear it felt so damn good I almost started crying,” he laughed. “You and the fiancé must have been breaking headboards because you sure as hell not shy now! No wonder you didn’t wanna come home with me that night. I guess you were getting everything you needed at home.”

  “Please! I avoided Levi as much as I could,” Jade admitted. “And for the record, I did wanna go home with you that night. You’re still the best lover I ever had. But even though I wasn’t happy with Levi, he was still in my life. And until that was no longer the case, I couldn’t be with you. One guy at a time, remember?”

  Richard smiled then joined Jade in the tub. They both were too exhausted for their normal bathtub antics and just enjoyed the hot, aromatic water and being in each other’s arms. It turned out to be a wonderful Valentine’s Day.

  “So if it wasn’t the fiancé that brought out this sexual side, who was it?”

  “It’s not a who but a what,” Jade stated then told him about Katrina’s books. “I was too embarrassed to even open them at first but now I love those things.”

  “Shoot, me too. I’d love to see what else you’ve learned,” Richard smiled, wrapping his arms and legs around her. Water splashed everywhere but he didn’t seem to care. Jade was back and that’s all that mattered.

  After three weeks of dating, things began to fizzle between them. They felt love for one another but what Jade desired was the unconditional, last forever type and Richard couldn’t give her that. So on March 7, 1995, after an incredible night, they kissed each other passionately knowing their time had come to an end—again. On March 26th, however, Richard and Jade learned that wasn’t exactly true.

  “Hey, you,” he smiled, allowing Jade inside his townhouse. It was obvious she was upset. “What’s up?”

  “Why did you lie to me, Richard? I thought we swore to always be honest and upfront with each other.”

  “I have been honest with you . . . about everything.”

  “Then how come I’m six weeks pregnant? A vasectomy is supposed to prevent that, isn’t it?”

  “Aw, wow,” he sighed, feeling as though the wind had been knocked out of him. “It was from Valentine’s Day, wasn’t it? I actually wondered about that.”

  Jade stared at him in utter disbelief. “What do you mean you wondered about that? So you knew you could get me pregnant and you let me . . .”

  “No, no, Jade, I had the vasectomy. I just never went back to make sure I was shooting blanks like I was supposed to. My doctor was positive everything went well so I truly thought there was nothing to worry about. But then that night with you felt so different, so damn good that it made me wonder if we’d had some of that baby making sex. I dismissed the idea, though, because I had no reason to think the procedure didn’t work,” Richard said, his eyes glistening with tears. “I’m so sorry, baby girl.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Richard? I trusted you,” Jade began to cry.

  “Hey, come here,” he said, pulling her into his arms. “Please don’t cry, baby. Don’t cry.” Richard held her for a while in silence. “You know how much I care about you, Jade, and I’ll support whatever decision you make. Just tell me how you wanna handle this.”

  She wiped her face with a Kleenex then looked Richard in the eyes. “Well, I guess we’re gonna be parents,” Jade announced.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  It was obvious from the look on Richard’s face he wasn’t happy with Jade’s decision. On their first date he told her about his experience with aborting a baby and how he could never bring himself to do it again. Clearly that was no longer the case. Even though Richard said he would support her having the baby, every word out of his mouth was meant to convince her otherwise. He repeatedly reminded Jade she would be a single parent and urged her to think carefully about what that would mean. She gathered from their conversation that Richard assumed his involvement would be minimal. He was prepared to provide for the child financially but the day to day care of the baby would fall squarely on her. When Jade made it known she expected him to share equal responsibility in raising their child, things turned ugly between them. They were screaming at and blaming each other for what was
both their faults. Before things got too out of control, however, Richard embraced Jade to give them a chance to calm down.

  “Okay, okay, let’s stop this,” he said, stroking her hair. “I’m sorry, alright?” He grabbed a box of tissues for Jade then they sat on the couch. “I’m sorry for reacting this way but I feel frustrated. I had the vasectomy because I don’t want more kids,” Richard stated with tears in his eyes. “But I didn’t do like I was supposed to and this is what happened. You trusted me and I let you down. Now I need to be a man and support your decision even if it’s not the one I want you to make. We did what it took to make this baby and we’ll do what it takes to care for it. I promise you I won’t abandon my child. I promise,” he said.

  Richard may have promised not to abandon his child but he had no problems abandoning Jade. He suddenly became unavailable. And when he finally did resurface, he started playing stupid games. Richard would return Jade’s calls on her home phone when he knew she was at the office. Or he’d pretend not to be home when she’d just seen him walk into his place. It was enough to make her despise him and she said as much in a message left on his answering machine. Jade also told Richard how stupid it was for a man nearing his forties to be acting like an irresponsible teenage boy! Before hanging up she screamed how much she hated him. However, Jade hated herself most.

  “Finally,” Landon snapped when Jade came into the office an hour later than she said she would. “Ugh, what’s wrong with you? You look crazy!”

  Jade rolled her eyes and pushed passed him to go to her office. She should have been at home in bed but Landon would’ve thrown a fit if she made him deal with Marisol, the bride from hell, on his own. After they were done, though, that’s exactly where Jade was going. She thought the morning sickness which had her in

  bed most days would have stopped by then but she still felt like vomiting. More than anything Jade wanted it to stop so she could get back to being herself. Nobody knew about Richard or the baby but she realized Landon was getting suspicious. There were only so many times one person could have a “bug” before people caught on to the fact that something else was going on, particularly a registered nurse like Gabrielle.

  Less than ten minutes into their meeting, Jade began to sweat profusely. The sharp stabbing pain in her stomach made her crumple to the floor and she threw up! Landon ran to her side then screamed for Gabrielle who came flying downstairs to help. Marisol nearly fainted when she saw all the blood covering the front of Jade’s shorts, so her mother took her outside to get some fresh air. The paramedics arrived a few minutes later and had Jade loaded into the back of the truck in no time. Landon rushed back inside to get his wallet and keys.

  “So can we continue now? I wanna show you the colors I picked for the bridesmaids dresses and the . . .”

  Landon looked at Marisol like she had two heads! “You can’t possibly be serious right now! How selfish and . . .”

  “Just go be with Jade, baby,” Gabrielle urged. “I’ll take care of this and then I’ll meet you at the hospital, okay? Don’t worry about anything, just go be with Jade. I’ll call her mom.” Landon ran to get into the ambulance while Gabrielle escorted the two women out of her house. “Umm huh,” she grunted, as they complained about being inconvenienced and demanded some sort of compensation. Gabrielle called Willa before speeding towards the hospital.

  “What are you doing here, baby girl?” Landon asked. “I’ve got everything under control. Just get some rest, okay?”

  It had been four days since she was discharged from the hospital and he thought it was too soon for her to be out of bed. Jade explained that she was going crazy sitting in her apartment crying all day long. Physically she was fine so there was no reason she shouldn’t be at the office working. She needed to work just to take her mind off things. Gabrielle rubbed Landon’s shoulders as a way of telling him to back off and give Jade a break. Instead of fussing, he gave her a huge hug then filled her in on everything that was going on. Marisol was still being a pain but their other bride Rachel was a joy to work for. And Landon had set up a consultation with a potential new client named Alejandra who would be in later that afternoon. He talked as long as he could about the business but the conversation eventually made its way to what happened with Jade and the baby.

  “Do you know I actually thought you were pulling an April Fools joke on me? But when I looked at you I knew you weren’t playing,” Landon said, sadly. “So why didn’t you tell me, baby girl?”

  “I was embarrassed,” she said, bowing her head. “I had no business getting back involved with Richard. I was lonely, though, and I needed to feel like I belonged to somebody again. It was comforting to be with him even though we both knew things would fizzle out after a while. I thought we would have a few dates, a few nights together and then go our separate ways. When I ended up pregnant I didn’t know what the heck to do. That was the last thing I expected to happen and I felt like an idiot for trusting Richard and not protecting myself. And then when he abandoned me I felt even worse and the thought of having to tell you or anybody about him was mortifying and I couldn’t do it.

  “I kept telling myself I wouldn’t have done it if Richard had told me the whole truth about the vasectomy. But it shouldn’t have mattered. I shouldn’t have been sleeping with him at all let alone unprotected,” Jade said, as her eyes began to water. “But to be honest, when I found out I was pregnant there was a part of me that hoped Richard really was the one. I wanted him to be, you know? People are always telling me how beautiful or smart or successful I am and don’t realize how incredibly lonely I am. And what no one seems to get is that I’d trade every thing I have for true love,” she said with tears falling down her face. “Anyway, you don’t know how badly I wanted to tell you, Landon. I just felt so stupid. You had given me all that praise for resisting Richard before and I thought you’d be ashamed of me for not resisting him this time.”

  “Come on now, Jade, you know better than that. I might act crazy sometimes but I’ll always be there for you no matter what. After all the stupid stuff I’ve done I can’t believe you’d think I would judge or be ashamed of you. I might not agree with all your decisions but I’m always on your side. And true, you should’ve made sure to protect yourself, but Richard should have let you know there was a possibility this could happen.”

  “Are you two for real? Even after all this you still believe this dude had a vasectomy?” Gabrielle asked, incredulously. “It seems to me it was just a line to get you into bed and then when Richard got you pregnant he came up with this stupid story to cover up his lies. I mean, come on y’all. What young man do you know that’s just gonna get a vasectomy? Men love their penises too much to volunteer to let someone cut on it!”

  “And is that your professional opinion?” Landon sneered. “Who are you to say what someone will or won’t do? People have all kinds of reasons for doing things, Gabrielle! If the dude knew he didn’t want more kids then why wouldn’t he do it? I swear it’s a no-win situation. If Richard was out there making babies all over the place he’d get dogged for it. And now he’s gotta be a liar because you think men love their penises too much! I guess the reason they even have such a thing called a vasectomy is because men don’t get them, right?” he snapped.

  “Damn, Landon, what’s wrong with you?” Gabrielle asked. She was confused and hurt by his reaction. Instead of arguing with him, Gabrielle chose to take a seat and focus the attention back on Jade. She and Landon would definitely have a conversation about it later, though.

  “Man, I bet he freaked out when you got pregnant,” Landon stated.

  “Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Jade said, dryly. “She wasn’t all that interested in what Richard felt.

  “What did he say when you told him what happened?”

  “I didn’t,” she said, hunching her shoulders. “He wasn’t concerned about the baby before so why should I waste my time trying to contact him now? I’m sure he’ll figure it out. Richard didn’t
want another child and now he doesn’t have to worry about it. “It’s gone and . . .” Jade burst into tears.

  “Oh, honey,” Gabrielle cooed as she cuddled her. “I’m so sorry.”

  Landon left the living room not wanting them to see him cry. He was heartbroken over the baby but more so because Jade kept it from him. He understood her reason, but it still hurt. However, Landon knew he had no right to be upset. There was something he’d kept hidden from her too.

  “Oh, great,” Jade mumbled a few days later when she pulled into her apartment complex and saw Richard waiting at her front door. He was the last person in the world she wanted to see.

  “Hey, Mommy,” he smiled brightly.

  Jade slapped Richard’s hand away when he tried to touch her stomach. He looked confused as if he couldn’t understand why she was responding so hostilely towards him.

  “What do you want, Richard?” Jade snorted.

  “I wanna talk to you about us and the baby and our . . .”

  “There is no baby and definitely no us, so there’s nothing to talk about. Excuse me,” she said, pushing him aside to unlock the door.

  “What do you mean there’s no baby, Jade? Jade!” he shouted, forcing his way inside. “What happened to the baby?”

  “What difference does it make, Richard? The baby’s gone, just like you wanted! So you no longer have to ignore my calls or pretend you’re not home. And you surely don’t have to stand here acting like you gave a damn about me or the baby because you already proved you didn’t,” Jade snapped, in response to his tears. “You got what you wanted so just leave it at that.”

  “Stop saying I got what I wanted! It’s not like that, Jade, and you know it!”

  “No, what I know is . . . never mind. It doesn’t matter. Just go, Richard. There’s nothing left for us to say.”