“I can’t right now. I told you to wait until they leave. I don’t want them knowing our business, or lack there of.”
It was a straight kick to the balls. “Don’t go there, Erica. I can explain. It’s not what you think.”
She continued to whisper, but somehow raise her voice at the same time. “You have a fucking kid, Reed. I saw the birth certificate. He’s yours.”
“Will you give me the benefit of the doubt?”
She kept washing the dishes, scrubbing them with force, probably while pretending it was my face. “What I can’t get was why you kept it from me. I wouldn’t have cared. It probably would have been hard to get used to, but I could deal with that. He’s adorable, and I’d be a fool not to fall for something you made.” She tossed a fork into the drainer. “But I can’t get past you lying to me. It makes me wonder what else I don’t know. You’ve lived here for a year and I’m just finding out about this. What really pisses me off is that you sat at dinner last night like two strangers. How the hell do you think it makes me feel to know I was sitting at the table with someone you not only screwed, but had a kid with?”
This was going nowhere, and I certainly didn’t want her mother and sister overhearing. I had to let it go for the time being. In one more day they’d be gone. I had to hold out until then. “You want me to leave you alone? Fine! I will. I’ll wait until they leave tomorrow, but you better be ready to listen. I’ll give you the truth you want so much, and if you want us to leave, I’ll pack my shit up and go.”
I didn’t mean the things coming out of my mouth, but had said them anyway. I was angry and hurt. This wasn’t how I saw my new start going, and after seeing what it was like to have everything I wanted, I was slowly watching it all go away.
Chapter 10
While Shawn was preoccupied, I went outside to rake some leaves. The further away I was from Erica the better, for the time being. I knew if we were in the same room I was going to fight with her to hear me out. She would in turn get more upset and it would turn into a warzone. It was necessary to keep the peace for one more day, and I was determined to abide to her wishes.
After a couple hours of working non-stop, I heard the back porch screen door opening. Walking toward me with a drink in hand was Erica. The wind was blowing her hair around, and she kept moving her head to the side to keep it from going in her eyes. “Here I thought you might be thirsty.”
“Thanks.” I took a long drink before looking into those eyes I loved so much. “What’s going on inside. How’s the kid?”
“His name is Shawn. You need to quit calling him kid or boy. He has a name.” She looked down and shook her head. “Anyway, he’s asleep. It’s been a long morning for that little guy. His mom died, and now he’s stuck with a bunch of strangers. Reed, I don’t know the first thing about children. How can you expect this to be okay with me? What am I supposed to tell my family?”
I ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t know! God, I don’t know what I’m doing either. I just know I can’t walk away from him. No matter how hard the challenge is, I’m going to take care of that kid, of Shawn. It’s what his father would have wanted.”
My eyes widened when I realized what I’d said. Erica stared at me waiting for an explanation. “What’s that supposed to mean? Reed, what’s going on? Your name is on that birth certificate. If you’re not the father, than who is?”
I grabbed her hand and held it as I spoke. “Do you trust me?”
She pulled away. “Not really. I can’t right now. I hope you understand why.”
“Yeah, I get it. I do hope you know I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you. What we have is real. I swear it on my own life. You have to believe that.”
She nodded. “I want to, because the thought of losing what we have makes me sick. I’ve never felt this way about a man before, and maybe I was jumping the gun, but I thought we had a future. Now I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I can get past something so serious. It’s not because of the child, Reed. It’s because of the lie. I can’t deal with that. I can’t trust a liar, and I certainly can’t live with one.”
It crushed me. No matter what the outcome would be, it was all because of a lie; one so big that I couldn’t imagine anyone in the world forgiving me for. “I guess what they say is true. Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”
She started to scrunch up her face, trying so desperately to hold back the tears. I clenched my teeth together, grinding them hard to hide my own emotions. This woman was breaking me, and all I could do was stand there and let it happen.
In the year we’d lived together I’d learned a lot about my girlfriend. When she got upset she’d either get extremely angry, or uncontrollably emotional. When she sank down to the pile of leaves beneath her, I knew her newest bout of pain had led her there. Since I felt like she could self-destruct at any second, it was important that I assure her I wasn’t going anywhere. She had to know that I’d do anything to work this problem out, even if I had to tell her who I really was.
I crouched down in front of her, sitting my drink on the ground to touch her with both hands. When I lifted her chin to look at me her bottom lip was trembling. She could barely get her words when she attempted to speak. “Why would you do this to me? I don’t understand why you came back in to my life.”
I played with her hair, taking into consideration that she was allowing me to touch her. “I came back because this is where I wanted to be. It’s where I still want to be.”
“You’re acting like nothing has to change. I can’t even look at you without feeling betrayed. I can’t do this right now.” She shot up and darted across the yard before I could get back to standing. Then I watched her disappear into the rose garden, where she always went when she wanted time alone.
I had to respect that, because out of all the places in and around our house, that was the most special to her. It had been her aunt’s favorite place as well.
Since I knew the truth was looming, it was important to get as much work done that had been on my to-do list. If Erica kicked me out I wanted everything to be taken care of until she could hire someone to help her out. The idea made me angry, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t force my girlfriend to forgive me, and I surely couldn’t expect her to take on a kid, even if he wasn’t either of ours to be responsible for.
I wish she knew that I wasn’t being selfish with this decision. I was thinking about Shawn, and his son. In less than twenty-four hours all of this had taken place. How could any of us have known that the woman was on her death bed? Who takes a kid and drives across the country when they know they could die at any second?
She had to have been so desperate. It was impossible to sit back and rationalize with her decision, unless I took into consideration how much it meant to her to connect her son with his father. It was her last dying wish, and even though I was unable to make it happen, I sure as hell was going to step up and do the right thing.
Did I regret hurting Erica? Of course.
Did I want to walk away from everything we had together? No way.
She held the cards in this relationship, and since life had always dealt me losing hands, I already knew the outcome. I had two choices.
I could go all in, bearing my soul and my darkest secrets to the woman I loved.
Or, I could take the kid and start a life somewhere else, where I’d grow old being a single dad, devoting my life to raising my best friend’s son.
There was fulfillment in each option, but I already knew which one I’d take.
Like every card game I was all in. My cards were going to be out on the table, and win or lose, at least the burden of what I’d been hiding would be gone.
Erica would know why I took on Dingo’s identity. She’d know why I couldn’t go back and tell the truth, and she’d know the reason for having to raise little Shawn as my own.
Take it or leave it, that was all I had to offer.
Since I knew Erica was
still outside, I decided it was a good time to get a shower. First I headed in to check on Shawn. He was sleeping soundly on the couch while Tabitha flipped through the channels. In the recliner was Erica’s mother, who had her head glued to a paperback novel.
I waved before heading up the stairs and going into my room. On the bed I found Melissa’s purse. Inside was the documentation Erica had seen. I also found a little photo book. It had pictures of Shawn as a baby, and as I flipped through she’d labeled each photo with who the person was and how they were related. The last picture in the book was one of Shawn and Me. I remembered it being taken on New Years in Bagdad. We only spent two months there, but I vividly recalled that night. When I pulled out the picture it was labeled Shawn and Dominic. I stared at my friend’s image, wishing he could somehow be here to help me clear everything up. “If you’re somewhere watching out for me, I could use your help, buddy.”
I knew he couldn’t hear me, but it felt good to talk to him nonetheless.
Chapter 11
The shower felt empty after spending my last one with my girlfriend. When I climbed out I found her sitting on the bed holding the photo I’d pulled out. I stood in front of her naked while taking the towel and drying my hair. Her eyes never left mine. “She called you Dom at the hospital. Please tell me I haven’t been with a con artist for the past year. Please tell me that this picture lies.”
I closed my eyes and answered, unable to look at her face when she heard the truth coming from my lips. “I can’t.”
“This can’t be happening.” Her face tightened and I watched her begin to bawl as she threw the picture at me. I don’t know what made me do it, but I lunged onto the bed, hovering overtop of her as I held onto both her hands.
“You’ve got to listen to me. It’s not what you’re thinking.”
“Get off me, Reed, or whoever the fuck you are. Just get out! Get out of my house!”
I kept holding her arms down. “No. I’m not leaving until you hear me out! This doesn’t have to be this way.”
“You’re hurting me. Please let me go.”
I knew I wasn’t inflicting physical pain on her. “I’d never intentionally hurt you, Erica. I told you I love you, and I meant it. If you’d just shut the hell up and listen it would all make sense. I’m not a criminal, not in the sense that you’re thinking. Yeah, I changed my name, but I had a good reason.”
“There’s no good reason for being a liar.”
“It is if your life is in danger, and mine was. Erica, I was in a bad way before we met. I took loans out from shady people, and when I couldn’t pay them back they wanted blood as interest. Shawn Reed was my best friend. We met in the Marines, and were inseparable. We did all of our tours together, and we even got out at the same time. Where I failed at being responsible, Shawn had saved every penny. He invested his money and started up a company. He was my idol in so many ways.”
“Was? What did you do to him? Did you kill him to take on his identity?”
“No! Why would you think that? Have I ever shown you violence? I may have been trained to kill, but I’d never harm anyone for personal gain. I’m not that kind of guy. If Shawn hadn’t come and saved my ass, I’d be dead in the ground. I’d never hurt him.”
I could feel Erica beginning to relax as I continued explaining. I loosened my grip on her wrists and appreciated when she didn't haul ass off the bed. Instead she rolled over and listened while still sobbing to herself.
“Shawn was like a brother to me. I would have given my life for him without a second thought. He meant more to me than any family member ever did. No matter how much shit I got myself into he still had faith I could be a better person. The night he died a part of me went with him. You may not even believe this, but know that I loved that man. He knew everything about me, but never gave up hope that I’d change. I owe him everything, Erica. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about him and miss hanging out. I’d do anything to have just one more day with the guy.”
Burning hot tears were falling from my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. Marines didn’t cry, yet here I was, sitting down next to her talking about Shawn, and I was losing it. I don’t even think it was about the topic. It also had a lot to do with finally being able to talk about him to someone. I’d kept it bottled up for entirely too long.
“How did he die?”
“Well I sure as shit didn’t kill him,” I said sarcastically. I thought she’d smile, but when she didn’t I continued. “We were out riding our bikes and a eighteen wheeler jackknifed. Shawn couldn’t avoid hitting the trailer. His motorcycle caught fire at first, and by the time I could get to him he was just minutes from dying. I’ll never forget the amount of pain he was in, but he still fought to hang on. He still tried to talk to me.”
Erica sat up and took my hand. She refused to look up at me, but it was comforting anyway.
“He told me to take his life. I refused, but he kept repeating the words, ‘be me’. It wasn’t what I wanted; not when I had hope that he would come out of it alive. As the moments passed I knew it was impossible, his injuries were all life-threatening. I watched him lay there dying and there was nothing I could do. When he took his last breath I was still there holding him. He died brave.”
I had to take a second to calm down. Talking about it out loud was different than thinking it to myself. All sorts of emotions were running through my mind, on top of the idea that this might be the last time Erica touched me in any way. I couldn’t fathom what it would be like without her.
“When the police came I panicked. I don’t even know why I did it, but I switched our wallets, and told them he was Dominic Chevy. I signed the death certificate and had his body cremated. According to the world Dominic was dead while Shawn Reed lived. There were no longer bookies trying to hunt me down for monies owed. My past was buried.” I cleared my throat and paused a second. “The thing was, Shawn left everything to me anyway; his house, his boat, and most of all his money. I didn’t want any of it; not when it all reminded me of what I’d lost. I couldn’t go back to who I was, because that man was deceased. That’s when I took off on my bike to clear my head and figure out what I was going to do with my life. The next thing I know I’m driving into a storm, and knocking on the door of a closed down B&B. I never meant to lie to you Erica, but it wasn’t like I could come back into your life after that night as someone else. I had to keep up the charade and live out the rest of my life as Shawn Reed. You see, that boy sleeping downstairs isn’t mine. He belongs to a much better man that I could ever be.”
“Don’t say that,” she said in a whisper. “I’ve seen you help people. The first night we met you went out on my roof to try and save this old place. You’re brave and generous.”
“I appreciate that, but mostly I’m a liar. I lied to you, for an entire year I pretended to be someone I’m not. You fell in love with someone and never knew their name. That’s as shitty as it gets in my book.”
“You’re right. It’s pretty shitty. If I was smart I’d tell you to pack your things and get out of my life.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I kind of figured this was how it would end. As soon as that chick called me by my name I saw this coming.”
“I hate you for this.” She wept. “I can’t look at you without feeling so angry. I trusted you, which was obviously a mistake. Even though you wouldn’t physically cause me harm, you sure as hell know how to hurt me. What am I even supposed to call you?”
“Reed. My license says Shawn Reed.”
She stood up and paced around the room, shaking her head and talking softly to herself. “This is preposterous. You’re going to live out your life impersonating someone else?”
“I’m going to live out my life carrying on the name of a brave soldier who died too soon.” It sounded better my way.
“Please, just get your things and move to another room. I can’t even…I need time.”
There was no use in fighting with her. I took a couple things f
rom my dresser and started to exit the room. “Whatever you decide I need you to know that I can’t give up on that kid. I’m all he has left.”
“So you’re prepared to be an instant father to a child that isn’t even yours?”
We weren’t looking at each other as we talked. It was better that way, so I wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in her eyes.
“Yeah, I am.”
“How noble.” I could tell she was being sarcastic. I deserved it. “I hope you don’t expect this to make up for what you’ve done, not just to me, but everyone else you’ve told your lies to.”
“You know, with the exception of surviving, and perhaps spending a little to fix up this place I haven’t used Shawn’s money. It doesn’t feel right, even though I know he left it all to me in his will. I saw the papers myself when I was going through his files. You can think I’m a terrible person, but I can assure you that aside from being addicted to gambling, I’m not the devil. Erica, I changed everything because of you. You make me a better man. I could have gone out and spent all of my friend’s hard-earned money on one hand of poker, but I haven’t. Since I’ve met you I don’t even miss it.”
“Don’t give me that shit, Reed. Right now you’re going to say whatever you can to get on my good side. I’m not going to stand here listening to your bullshit. Go check on your kid and leave me alone.”
Sulking wasn’t the answer, but it’s exactly what I was doing when I left the room. I could hear her crying as I walked down the back staircase. It saddened me to think I’d done this to her. Why couldn’t I leave well enough alone and walk away a long time ago? Why had I assumed that I could live a long happy life as someone else?
I must be out of my mind.
Chapter 12
Erica was right about needing time. I think we both did. After all, I’d agreed to care for a child that wasn’t mine. My momentary lapse of sanity came with the next fourteen years of making good choices, and being a provider. After stashing a change of clothes in the laundry room, I made my way into the kitchen. Shawn was standing at the entrance to the dining room. His hair was disheveled as he stared up at me. “I have to go poop.”
Riding It Out Page 13