by Bowie, Emily
“Eight a.m.?” I question.
“You know it.” He lifts his glass and I clink mine against his, taking another sweet sip from my drink, finishing it.
“Want to dance?” I figure it would be better than the awkward get-to-know-you phase, and I’m not much of a talker these days.
“I thought you would never ask.” His smile is refreshing. He tries to dance but he’s terrible at it. I mean stomping on my feet and waving his hands as his shoulders bob out of rhythm. I can’t stop laughing at him, my sarcasm showing up in my mocking of his movements. It’s all in fun; Ryker goes with the flow, playing along.
By the end of the night everything hurts. My feet hurt from dancing, my face hurts from smiling.
Like gentlemen, Raya’s and my escorts walk us back to our dorm, giving us each a hug. Ryker lingers and I think he would have liked me to invite them up but he doesn’t push the issue.
“See you in English,” he tells me, and for the first time since I have been here I am looking forward to making another friend. Raya and I open our door, closing it firmly behind us, placing the locks in place.
“See, told you we would have fun,” Raya tells me as she sidesteps toward her room, looking over her shoulder at me.
I plop down on the couch, not ready to go to bed. I feel my purse vibrate and realize Raya’s phone is still in my purse.
It’s hot in my hand. I look back to her bedroom, her door is closed. The phone lights up with a message I ignore then slide the dial screen open. My fingers hover, like an addict needing another fix. After blocking Raya’s number from being seen, I take my time and press each digit of Luke’s number, thankfully I had it memorized. It rings a few times before his sleepy voice answers.
I can’t speak, but just the sound of him has me relaxing.
“Shay, is this you?” he asks.
I sink down onto the couch, keeping the phone to my ear, needing to hear his voice again.
“I miss you,” he tells me. My eyes begin to get heavy. He sighs into the phone from my refusal to answer. There are sounds of rustling and I imagine him getting comfortable in bed, like I am on the couch. Then I fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
The next day, I am determined to finally write that letter to Kellen. I miss my big brother and decide that he can’t get rid of me that easily. My plan is to write him every week, to let him know that I care about him and that his sacrifice won’t be forgotten.
Dear Kellen,
I have written this letter over a thousand times in my head, but each time I try to put pen to paper all of my words disappear.
You would be happy to hear that I am indeed in college! I’m living the dream for both of us. I have made two friends. Have I ever mentioned how much easier it was making friends with you around? Thank you for that. I never appreciated how easy I had it in high school with you there by my side.
Because you won’t see me,
Sincerely yours,
LS
CHAPTER 37
Year One
I dial Shay’s number, positive it was her calling last night. I worry that something is wrong. The thought she could be hurting has my back straightening. I’m going crazy with her gone. I wait for the first ring but it never comes, the operator comes on saying that this number has been disconnected.
I replace my phone with the cup of coffee on my counter, the hot bitter taste sliding down as I look over my family’s ranch. I have no fucking clue what I am doing with the place. I needed more time with my dad to learn. Each day, I second-guess myself, hoping that I might do something right.
“You know, you just sitting here won’t fix anything.” I look behind me to see my sister glancing my way as she grabs a yogurt from the fridge.
I tune her out, not ready to hear anyone’s opinion. I allow an annoyed grunt to leave me as I head out toward the barn, needing an escape. What I need to do is escape my bruised heart. I loved Shay with everything I had, but in the end it wasn’t enough.
Taking out the crinkled newspaper clipping from my pocket, I place it in the small notepad I keep out here. It’s another vague column about Kellen’s trial. It’s been so quiet that I wasn’t sure if it was still going on.
“Hey, man.” The voice startles me, and I close my small notepad.
“Brax?” I have hardly seen him in town, it’s like all of the Steeles vanished all together.
“What can I do you for?” I ask him. I watch as he looks around the barn at nothing in particular.
“We were hoping you could do us a favor.”
I nod, wondering what this might be about.
“Can you talk to Kellen for us?”
I sit down on the stool by my small bench. “About what?” I’m uncertain Kellen would even see me considering how things were left. Brax walks toward me as he answers.
“He’s refusing to talk to or see any of us. We know nothing about his trial. We were hoping you could let him know that we are here for him and maybe find out how everything is going.”
I hate seeing the desperation in his face.
Standing, I tell him in all honesty, “For sure, anything for your family.” The Steeles are my second family, and I’m just as worried as they are.
“Thanks, man.” He gives me a light pat on the shoulder as he heads out. Going back to my book, I take out the application for my visitor application that I have been debating back and forth with and finally finish filling it out.
Instead of wasting money on a postage stamp, I drive to the prison. As I drive up, four flags, including the American flag, greet me. Gates outline the area with a few towers scattered around the prison walls.
Stepping out, I head toward the front doors when a man in a suit stops me. “Luke Rogers?”
I’m startled that anyone here would even know my name. It must show on my face as the man explains. “David Smith.” He reaches for my hand to shake it. “I’m Kellen’s attorney.”
“Hi, David.” I take this as a sign that I might be able to give the Steeles good news. “I was on my way in to give my application for visitation.”
“I think I will be able to get Kellen to stay here for the rest of his sentence. I hope he will break down and see a few of you.” I hadn’t realized that him being moved could have been an option.
“Good to hear.” I begin tallying up everything I can tell the Steeles. “The Steeles and I haven’t been able to be involved much since Kellen was taken in,” I tell him, hoping he will continue to talk.
“It was part of Kellen’s plea agreement that none of this would end up in the paper.” Everything he is saying makes sense to me.
“Thanks for letting me know.”
“Want me to file that for you?” He points to my application. “Maybe I could even talk Kellen into putting you on the list.”
I don’t think twice about handing over my application.
*
A month later, while I’m lying in bed, still trying to figure out what the next best thing for the ranch is, my phone rings. Each time it rings late at night I hope that it’s Shay. I can feel my stomach flinch with hope.
“Hello?” I answer, my voice void of any sleepiness. The other line is silent.
“I miss you,” I tell her, I can hear the faint sound of breathing. Just saying those words to her has my body starting to relax for the first time this month.
“I feel lost right now, with you and Kellen gone. The ranch is harder to run than I expected.” This is the first time I have allowed those words to slip past my lips. It feels good to talk to her.
My eyes begin to feel heavy, as I lie down into my bed, my phone resting on my pillow against my ear.
I think I even heard her finally tell me she missed me too, but I was already half asleep so it may have just been a dream.
That was the last time she called me, and the last night I had a good sleep.
CHAPTER 38
Year Two
The sun is beating down on my back as I bring hay i
nto the fields for the horses. I just finished cleaning out their stalls and I still have the fields I need to attend to. When my dad was alive he often had extra hands to help him in the busy season, as well as us kids. I have no one. The labor is back breaking.
Just last night another overdue notice came in the mail. I’m slowly starting to lose the place. It’s heartbreaking since I’m working my ass off it keep it going. I am in way over my head.
It’s my pride that won’t let me ask for help. If I told my mom, she would lend a hand instead of going away for the few weekends she’s gone. My little sister, Jewels, would stay here in a heartbeat to help but she needs an education. When she’s done college she can make the choice to come back. At this point in her life, staying here will keep her here for the rest of her life. I want her to have the chance to have the option. I keep telling myself that this will work out. I just need to sell another horse. That money should help to keep us afloat another month. Another creditor off my back for a few months.
Sitting back on our small tractor, I wonder what Shay is doing right now. Part of me is happy she kept her word that she needed to make a life for herself and go to college. I was determined to do the same with my situation. In those moments, I was proud and excited to be the man of the house that would keep the family ranch alive. Now I am embarrassed that I couldn’t cut it.
Taking out my phone, I snap a few pictures of the mare I plan on selling. I can’t help my thoughts going back to Shay. That girl is never off my mind.
I have gone over and analyzed each moment we had and wondered where I went wrong. I thought she wanted to be with me in Three Rivers. Maybe I was so stuck in myself after I lost my dad that I missed all of the signs that she didn’t love me like I had thought. But then I think of her smile and laughter, the way she would kiss me, holding each kiss a second longer than needed. No, she loved me. It was only after she talked to Kellen that she changed her mind. I hadn’t realized he hated me so much to make his sister leave town, leaving the hope of us and our future.
She was it for me. I honestly don’t think I could love another person after what we shared. So I bury myself into this ranch, hoping that one day I will show her that I am worth that second chance. I still plan on marrying her. But I have to prove myself before I can go after her. I will not lose her again.
Hearing the sound of another vehicle, I look up to see a truck I’ve never seen around here. Getting off the tractor I walk over to the road, ready to help whomever it is back in the direction they need to be going.
I watch as a big burly baldheaded man walks out. “Howdy.” He nods his head to me.
“What can I help you with?” I ask, ready to point him where he wants to go.
That’s when I see the gun in his hand. “I think you and I need to chat.”
Raising my hands I say, “Whoa, no need to point that at anyone. Now what can I do for you?” I cross my arms, holding my ground. I’m practically at rock bottom anyway. If I back down at this point I might as well pack up and leave.
The baldheaded guy nods, placing his gun down on the hood of his truck but still pointed at me.
“I like you.” He snickers. “You have the guts that we are looking for.” His voice is thick with a southern accent.
“Now what might that be?” I ask, intrigued by the whole situation.
“You know anything about cards?” he questions me as he pulls out a flask from his breast pocket.
“What type of cards?” I inquire, not sure where this is going.
He grunts, screwing the cap back on. “Gambling type.”
“Those card games are illegal here in Texas.”
He nods, looking around, wiping the sweat that is starting to build from the sun shining down. “I know.”
I wait for him to say more but he just looks at me expectantly.
“You want to become rich and pay off all of your debts?”
I laugh out loud. “Never realized my financials are public record.”
“Well, you see it became my problem since I bought your debt. So I reckon we need to figure out a way for you to pay it off and keep this ranch in your family name.”
“How do you figure?”
He hands me a piece of paper, it’s a list of names and phone numbers.
“Call this list and schedule a poker game here at your house. I’ll set the rest of it up. If all goes well we can go into phase two of our business relationship.”
*
That was ten months ago. Now I don’t get red notices about missing payments. I have a new shell of a building that looks like a barn. Every few weeks I hold a Vegas type casino night in my new building to help pay off my creditors and start saving to buy back everything I had to sell before this became my life.
My old life seemed to have disappeared over night. I never did make it in to see if my application to visit Kellen was granted or not.
*
Dear Kellen,
I miss the sound of your voice. I imagine you reading my unreturned letters before I send them. I even have the impersonation done quite well by now.
Can I come see you? I would love to show you my impersonation, for a second opinion.
Because you won’t write me back, I have done it for you (open second letter).
Sincerely yours,
LS
Dear Shay,
I would love to see that beautiful face of yours! I miss you, too. Please bring me _________. (You fill the blank in…)
Love,
Kellen
Just like all of my other letters, they go unanswered. Radio silence. It hurts but I believe that Kellen has a reason, and whatever it is, I know it has merit. I just wish I knew what his plan was.
CHAPTER 39
Year Three
“This is where you grew up?” Raya asks, looking around Main Street. In the ten minutes we have stood here not a single car has driven down our busiest road.
“I told you, smallest town in America.” I have tried to explain this to her many times. Our claim to fame is a Selena mural and the federal jail.
I have not been home in three years. My eyes keep scanning the streets to see if I can catch a glimpse of Luke. I haven’t eaten in three days because my stomach won’t allow me to. Just thinking about seeing Luke has sharp pains hitting me. I’m nervous, scared, and excited all rolled in one.
“We’re only spending the night then heading back, right?” she asks me, her thoughts are transparent. She’s scared I’ll want to stay longer and she’ll have to suffer through it. I love Raya but she’s a city girl through and through. She loves the finer things a city can give. Like a fancy dinner, a gym, and skyscrapers with well-dressed men.
“I’m home!” I call out to what looks like an empty house. Forcing a smile, I shrug my shoulders, hoping Raya doesn’t catch my disappointment. For a girl on her first trip home in three years, I thought I would have my whole family out on the steps waiting for my arrival. I envisioned tears and hugs and headlocks by Brax.
“Well, well, well, look who the cat dragged in.” Brax’s loud, gruff voice fills the room as he walks out of the kitchen with a dishtowel in his hands.
I can hear Raya gasp behind me, I’m certain she’s weak kneed at the sight of my brother.
“At least someone remembers the Steele’s only daughter.” I pout as he takes three wide steps toward me before locking me into a bear hug. His hold is tight and for the first time I realize that my being gone has not only affected Kellen and me. His hug tells me everything he can’t put into words.
“I missed you, too,” I whisper to him, not wanting to let go of his embrace.
Our family has struggled with what I have done, and I have had to live the lie. They have no idea that I am the reason Kellen is in jail, the guilt wraps around me, sneaking past my brother’s warmth. I have forgotten this feeling. Another reason to add to why I have refused to visit until this point in time. I don’t know if I could live here with this. Every day a reminder of w
hat I did and the sacrifices that were made to protect me.
Counting from five downward, I attempt to keep my emotions under control as I tighten my grasp on Brax. When he does manage to break free of my grasp, I see the warmth and love in his eyes.
“Now, don’t start crying on me,” he jokes, thinking that homesickness has gotten the better of me.
Wiping under my eyes, I hear Raya clear her throat behind me. For the first time, my brother notices that I have brought someone home with me.
“Where are my manners?” Brax nudges me in the shoulder, silently scolding me for not introducing him.
“Raya, this is my brother, Brax.”
“Where have you been keeping him?” Raya shamelessly questions, not embarrassed that he’s standing right here.
Brax clears his throat, clearly enjoying this.
“Howdy.” He nods to her, forcing his charming Texan accent more than normal.
“Where’s Ma?” I ask, trying to get on subject.
“She’s bringing Dad home from the doctors. His high blood pressure is acting up again.” I nod. Ma had all but begged for me to come home, guilting me by asking how I would feel if the last time I saw them was three years ago. She made it sound like Dad was really sick.
Deep down I still hear Kellen’s voice telling me to never return. This whole trip has me feeling anxious. I feel ten degrees warmer than I should. My hands keep getting sweaty. For the first time, I have no idea how to act around my family. I have been gone for so long. Maybe this is why Rhett tries to avoid us like the plague.
I heard my brother’s song on the radio the other day for the first time. Hearing his voice shocked me so much I almost ran off the road. At least he’s doing what he was destined for.
“I get enough greens from those grass-fed steaks I eat.” My dad’s voice comes through the walls as I hear him arguing with my ma about what he needs to be eating.
Some things never change I guess.
The door opens and immediately my ma hollers out, “Shay, dear!” and gives me a great big hug, strangling the air out of my lungs.