by M. Malone
“I’m not sure whether to be impressed that you won’t give up or just wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Why are you here?”
“Did you get the journal entries I sent you?”
Matt’s face changed. He glanced down and then back at Trent. “Yeah, I got them.”
Trent understood the discomfort. Part of his therapy had been writing down his feelings about Tia and her death. His feelings about himself and his part in it. It had proven so helpful that he’d continued writing about his college years, his friends and his new life. It hadn’t been easy to write and he imagined it wasn’t the easiest thing to read either. But he’d wanted his friend to understand the things he’d done hadn’t been done lightly.
Taking responsibility for his mistakes meant owning up to not only his actions but also what had led to them. It had been cathartic to get all that stuff on paper. He couldn’t imagine letting anyone else but Matt read his private thoughts. Except for Mara.
“I wanted you to understand.”
Matt clenched his fists. “You didn’t see her when she came back here. You didn’t see what this did to her.”
“No, but I saw what it did to me. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m not asking for forgiveness for that. There’s nothing I could ever do that would make up for it.”
“She’s finally doing better.” Matt said it like it was a challenge. Trent understood what he was really saying.
She’s doing better and you being here could screw that up.
“I just need to see her. One last time. But for once, I want it to be right. I want it to be somewhere she feels comfortable. A place where she can walk away if she wants to.”
“If she walks away, are you going to let her?” Matt demanded. “Or are you going to try to convince her to come back? Because I think she’s had enough of people trying to push her into doing things their way.”
“The only thing I want to do is introduce myself to her. The new me. I’d like to think this is the new and improved version. Anything that happens after that is up to her.”
Matt’s face relaxed. “As usual, I don’t agree with any of this but you two are going to do whatever the hell you want anyway.”
“So, you’ll help me?”
Matt grunted and gestured toward the living room. “Come on. If you’re going to see her today, then we don’t have much time.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
SOME THINGS CHANGED but there were some things that never would, Mara thought as she entered the office to hear Ethan yelling. A few seconds later a young girl with glasses and long, platinum blond hair came marching out. She wiped tears away as she ran past Mara.
“That bastard,” she mumbled under her breath as she passed. Mara sighed and entered Ethan’s office. He looked up when she entered, his face set in the same disgruntled expression she remembered.
“Stop scaring them off. I agreed to help you train the new girl, not to help you hire a new one. Is being nice really that hard?”
His grumpy expression softened slightly. “Yes. I need someone who can take a few harsh words without falling apart. This is a rough world.”
“Believe me, I know. But I also know that you are not nearly as gruff as you’d like everyone to believe.”
“You’re mistaken,” he insisted.
“I’m not. You’ve been found out. Now if we can just get you to admit it.”
There was a knock on the door. They both turned. The young man in the doorway looked at Ethan. “I’m sorry to interrupt, sir but I need to borrow your former assistant for a moment. Urgent legal matter.”
She thought she saw Ethan’s lips twitch. “Get out of here, both of you. Some of us have work to do.”
Mara walked out of the office and grinned at her friend. “Danny! I’m so glad you’re here.”
He pulled her into a hug. When she’d first started at the firm, Danny had been one of the first people to welcome her aboard and show her around. Even though his father was one of the partners, he’d started as a junior associate just like anyone else and worked his way up. Luckily he’d inherited his father’s brilliant legal mind so he was advancing quickly. It gave her a small pang to think that she might not be around to see him get the promotion he so richly deserved.
“I just wanted to say hello.”
“I’m glad you did. I’ve missed talking to you.”
“Everyone around here has missed you, too. Don’t be a stranger, okay?” He tapped her nose and walked off.
When she turned around, Lanie stood next to her old desk. When she saw her, she raised her hand in an awkward wave. “Hey, Mara. I heard you were back.”
“Yeah, just on a temporary basis. Until I can train Ethan to talk like a human being instead of grunting and shouting.”
“I heard that!” Ethan yelled from his office.
Lanie paled and backed away.
Mara closed Ethan’s office door and rolled her eyes. “He’s getting better at least.”
“If you say so.” Lanie smiled. “It’s good to see you back. It’s been so boring here without you. I wanted to say that I was sorry about last time. I didn’t mean …”
“It’s okay. Really. We’re not together anymore so it doesn’t even matter.” Mara really didn’t want to talk about it. It seemed like a lifetime ago when Trent had picked her up at work. Or a past life that she could only remember through dreams. It didn’t even seem real when she looked back on it. Probably because so much of it hadn’t been real.
And wasn’t that the biggest shame of all, she thought?
She was going to have to live the rest of her life with this sick sense of heartbreak and she didn’t even have the comfort of knowing that her love had been real while it lasted.
Lanie winced. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have even brought it up.”
“No, it’s okay. It’s just one of those things. So, what have you been up to?”
They chatted amiably until the blonde returned. Lanie promised to come back and see her over the course of the week. It turned out that the blonde, a recent graduate named Erin, was way more adept and organized than she’d expected from Ethan’s description. The morning flew by and it was lunchtime before long.
“Do you want to get some food? I was going to try that new falafel place.” Erin stood and stretched her arms overhead.
Mara glanced at the time and then grabbed her handbag. “Actually, I’m supposed to meet my brother. We’re just going to take a walk and look at the water. I’ll see you back here in an hour.”
Mara exited the building and walked to the bridge. It was comforting to see the view that used to be a part of her daily routine. She pulled out the sandwich she’d brought from home and took an absent bite. Matt had wanted to be supportive of her first day back. She’d told him it wasn’t necessary. After all, she was only back temporarily. With her savings, she could afford to really think about what she wanted to do.
After she finished her cookbook, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to pursue a publishing deal or if she wanted to apply to culinary institutes. Training to be a chef had been one of those dreams that had always seemed out of the realm of possibility but if she’d learned anything over the past few months, it was that anything was possible. Nothing was truly out of reach.
After ten minutes of standing on the bridge, she started to get a little hot. Where was Matt? It wasn’t like him to be late. She pulled out her cell phone and then sighed when she saw that she had several messages. He’d probably gotten caught in traffic. The bridge tunnel that connected Norfolk to the peninsula, where New Haven was located, could be unpredictable even during the middle of the day.
But when she pulled up her messages, she didn’t see anything about traffic.
- - Hear him out.
- - I hope you’re not mad at me for butting in.
- - Are you there?
Mara’s heart thumped in her chest. She looked up, squinting against the bright sun overhead. The wind whipped her hair aro
und her face and she pushed it back frantically as she turned in a circle, her eyes scanning all the people walking by. A crowd of teenagers passed by, two boys and two girls, obviously on a double date. Once they were out of her line of sight, her eyes settled on the tall, blond man in khaki shorts and a blue golf shirt who stood a few feet away.
She covered her mouth with her hand, hoping he didn’t notice that her hand was shaking. He came toward her then and he was so beautiful it made her head hurt. She could only stare up at him, brown eyes meeting blue, taking in every line of his face. Within minutes, she had catalogued everything that had changed over the past few months. His eyes had faint shadows underneath like he wasn’t sleeping. Under her makeup, she had them too. Even though his shirt stretched over shoulders that were as broad as she remembered, he looked like he’d lost a little weight.
Unfortunately, that hadn’t been true in her case. If anything, all the baking she’d been doing had added another inch to her hips.
“What are you doing here?” she asked finally.
“Just having a walk? What about you?” Then to her astonishment, he held out his hand. “I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. Trent Townsend. It’s lovely to meet you.”
He had her hand in his before she could yank it back. “What are you doing, Trent?”
“I’m introducing myself to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. You know, this is weird but you look a lot like someone I once knew. But after talking with you even just these few moments, I can tell you’re nothing like her.”
Mara bit her lip to keep herself from crying. “Is that so? How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’ve spent the last few months in therapy talking about my old friend. I’m completely clear on how I feel about her. I loved her then but I’ve moved on.”
“I wish I had that certainty,” she admitted.
He kissed the back of her hand. “Would you walk with me?”
* * * * *
TRENT HOOKED HIS arm through Mara’s, ignoring her look of surprise. It was a beautiful summer day. The water sparkled in the distance and boats glided over the surface, their white sails snapping jauntily in the breeze.
A perfect day to fall in love.
“You said I looked like an old friend of yours? Won’t that be weird for you?” Mara stared at him, as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
He knew it was a gamble, coming here, playing this game. But the way they’d met would always be a black mark against him.
“It’s a weird coincidence for sure. I had to come up and meet you just out of curiosity. But now that I’m here, I find I want to talk to you just because I’m enjoying it so much.”
Mara smiled tremulously. He could see how hard she was working to keep her emotions in check.
“I can’t do this, Trent. Not again. I can’t compete with your real life. For a really long time, you couldn’t face it all and I understand that. I really do. But now that you’ve dealt with some stuff, you can go back to your life. Go back to the Upper East Side and the parties and summers in the Hamptons. Get back to where you would have been if Tia hadn’t died.”
“Is that what you want me to do?”
“I want you to be who you’re supposed to be. But that doesn’t mean that it’s easy for me.”
“You keep talking about my real life but this is what's real. The man I am with you is who I'm meant to be. All the rest is what's the lie.”
She fell quiet and they walked a few minutes in silence, the only sound the wind in his ears and the calls of the gulls overheard.
“I can’t just forget everything that happened, Trent. That would be like erasing history. I can’t just pick up where we left off like my heart wasn’t shattered. I can’t marry you.”
“Marry me? That would be awfully forward for our first date.”
She wrinkled her nose at him. “Be serious.”
Suddenly inspired, Trent turned to her and said, “I am serious. Tell me this, did you love me?”
She tried to tug her arm back. When he wouldn’t let go, she narrowed her eyes at him. “Of course I loved you. I would have done anything for you. How could you even ask me that?”
“Did you want to be with me forever?”
“I wanted more than forever with you.” Mara gave up trying to yank her hand back and settled for glaring at him instead. “I wanted us to die together and then be ghosts and haunt our grandchildren. Are you happy now?”
“Not nearly. I haven’t been happy for a long time. Not since the day I came home to that half-empty closet and realized that I’d driven away the most extraordinary person I’ve ever known.”
She sucked in a shocked breath and then her hand clenched in his. “Oh, damn it. You’re not allowed to do that. You can’t just show up here and make me remember why I loved you.”
He tugged her to one of the benches. She sat down and then pulled a tissue from her purse and dabbed her cheeks. He tipped her chin up and looked into her eyes.
“If you had this to do all over again, would you? I know I hurt you. I’ll never be able to atone for that part, even though I’ll try. But in the end, do you think our love was worth the pain? Did I make you that happy?”
He held his breath waiting for her answer, sure she could tell by now how much her answers meant to him.
She seemed to have resigned herself to his strange line of questioning because this time she answered without any fuss. “I’m clearly a masochist because yes, I would do it all over again. As much as this hurts, I can’t imagine a world where I don’t know you. A world where we could pass each other on the street and have no idea what we were missing.”
His heart leaped at her answer. Her words perfectly captured everything he felt as well. “Well then, Miss Simmons. I just have one more question for you.” He leaned down, brushing a soft kiss over her forehead.
“What’s that?” She leaned into his caress, like she was as starved for touch as he was.
“Want to get a coffee with me sometime?”
Epilogue
TRENT’S EYES FOLLOWED his fiancée as she wove her way through the room. Her curvy figure was wrapped in an elegant cream tea-length dress that Sophia had special ordered from some boutique they both loved. Her dark hair was wound up on her head and woven through with white flowers and ribbons. She’d insisted their engagement party have a Midsummer Night’s Dream feel to it and he thought she looked every inch a sexy wood-sprite.
She looked up and when she caught his eye, winked. Trent had to smother a laugh as she was immediately drawn away by her mother who no doubt wanted to bring up some new detail they needed to add to their wedding planning. Mara hadn’t worked up the nerve to tell her mother that they were planning to elope. Trent voted for them not telling anyone. All he wanted was to make Mara his bride.
The sooner the better.
They’d spent every moment of the past few months together. Determined to move slowly, he’d gotten a small apartment in New Haven and commenced his courtship of the woman he loved.
They’d gone out to dinner, to the movies, had picnics in the park and ridden a tandem bicycle on the boardwalk at Virginia Beach. He’d held her hand and kissed her chastely on their first few dates, and then they’d had marathon make out sessions on her couch while the television played in the background. He’d taken more cold showers that first month than his entire adolescence but it had been worth it.
He’d been determined to show Mara that he was with her for her. No other reason. And as time progressed and they got to know each other all over again, they’d fallen into love a second time. A love that was deep and true because it had the kind of roots that only come from heartache and forgiveness.
Over the past few months, he’d also had a chance to learn new things about all of his friends. It was interesting that the guys he’d known for years had sides he’d never seen before. Matt was still not fond of talking but when Trent was having a hard day and just needed someone who got it,
his friend was always up for hanging out or playing a game of pool at a local bar. And now when his mind was all twisted up, Mara understood because he wasn’t shutting her out. She just kissed him on the nose, reminding him of what he was coming back to. With her gentle love and encouragement, he had fewer bad days and more fantastic days.
“Stop staring at your future bride like that. There are children here,” Jackson teased, appearing at his left side.
Trent laughed.
He’d become particularly close to Jackson lately since his friend had also experienced the death of a woman he loved. He’d lost his first wife in a car accident when their children were just babies. An accident he’d blamed himself for. Talking to someone who understood about death and loss and guilt was invaluable.
Trent knew how lucky he was to have friends that he could tell anything to. More than anything in his bank account, his friends were priceless.
Sophia stood up and ran after one of her children. His brother sat at the same table bouncing Travis on his knee. The second DNA test he’d ordered had proven that James was Travis’ father. James and Avery had been in counseling ever since. He saw James and Travis at his parent’s house but he didn’t visit them at home, something James understood. He was willing to be civil to Avery on holidays for his family’s sake but they would never be friends again. He was okay with that.
His gaze settled on his parents who looked slightly uncomfortable sitting at a table with Mara’s extremely friendly and outgoing extended family. They had wanted them to have the engagement party in New York at some exclusive venue or another, something Trent had immediately dismissed. All he wanted was his friends and family right here, in the city that he was proud to call home, surrounded by his family both born and earned.
He looked up to see Mara waving at him. He turned to Jackson. “Looks like it’s showtime. I have to go.”
He joined her at the front of the room. Mara looked up from the notecards she held, her eyes bright. She held the microphone toward him. “Are you ready?”