by Unknown
First Known Case
The first documented case of Razornail Bone Rot occurred at Watsonville General Hospital in Pajaro County, California, in June of 1993. Patient (and accused drug dealer) Andrew Cortane had lost nearly all bones in both hands by the time doctors had identified the disease bacterium. Because of his nearly boneless condition, he was difficult to handcuff and quarantine. Before his incarceration, in the early stages of his infection, he and his customers used his enlarged fingernails to consume heroin, cocaine, and other powdered drugs. These drugs did not kill the bacterium, which was present in the enlarged fingernails. In fact, it became stronger. When the bacterium began to leech the calcium from his arms, an artery collapsed and a bone chip traveled to the patient’s brain, killing him instantly.
Symptoms
The Razornail Bone Rot bacterium enters the bloodstream through scratches from the fingernails of infected persons. Alternatively, as noted above, it can enter the bloodstream with fingernail detritus taken into the nostril when drugs are inhaled from the fingernails of an infected person. The bacterium moves to the extremities, the fingers, and toes of the sufferer. There, it begins leeching the calcium from the bones of the fingers and the toes. The calcium is deposited in brittle, sharp layers under the nails, slowly replacing the natural fingernail. As the bones slowly dissolve, the muscles in the fingers and toes become enlarged and sinuous. In patients who carefully cultivate the disease, the fingers and toes can become transformed into supple, strong tentacles tipped with sharp, deadly claws, capable of infecting the next generation of victims.
As noted below, the supposed “cures” often result in more severe cases of the bone rot. In some cases, the bacterium begin to colonize facial structures like the nose and teeth. Many cases result in death, as skulls collapse and fangs form in the upper and lower jaws of the sufferers.
History
While disease specialists did not verify the first case of Razornail Bone Rot in the United States until 1993, the disease appears to have affected dwellers in Northern California long before the colonization of America. The Ohlone Indians worshipped what were once believed to be icons based on the omnipresent Monterey Bay Squid. So-called experts thought that these figures showing humans with tentacles in place of fingers were exaggerated images, not depictions of reality. If the bacterium has a North American origin, these icons may in fact document the earliest reported cases.
Doctor Buckhead Mudthumper’s Encyclopedia of Forgotten Oriental Diseases offers another possible point of origin. Mudthumper suggests that the bacterium was an opportunistic infection that took advantage of the long fingernails cultivated by Mandarin Magicians from the Wuhan province of China. The Mudthumper Hypothesis allows that Novanguicula putrescossi thrived in the protected structures of these magicians’ fingernails, and in time developed a mechanism to ensure protection of their colonies. The magicians, whose fingers became sinuous and tentacular, were even more feared because of their deformity. In the 1860s, they came to Northern California with the rail workers, bringing Novanguicula putrescossi with them.
Hygiene and fashions that discouraged the growth of long fingernails kept the bacterium at bay until the 1980s, when long fingernails became popular among drug users. Custom drugs created a perfect growth medium for Novanguicula putrescossi. The Pajaro County infection was the first outbreak in the continental United States.
Those who survive become frightfully strong. Some have escaped into the foothills and forests of Northern California. Reports of infected squirrels, raccoons, and other forest creatures have not been verified as of this writing.
Cures
According to Mudthumper, doctors in the Wuhan Province preferred to amputate the afflicted extremities. This cure usually resulted in the patient’s death at the hands of other villagers; ironically enough, if a patient was not a practicing magician, he or she was thought to be possessed by evil spirits. Unfortunately, since the disease was blood-borne and the patients lived on after the amputations, the amputation had little effect other than to change the extremity from the fingers to the stump on the terminus of the wrist. Within three to five days, bony extrusions began to burst through bandages.
In the Pajaro County Outbreak, criminals, petty thieves, or drug addicts constituted most of the afflicted. Amputation was pursued with great vigor, with a veritable factory set up in the parking lot under tents.
Those who saw what they considered the righteous punishment of sinners celebrated each amputation, collecting and preserving the afflicted extremities in jars. This collection comprises one of the most popular exhibits in the Northern California Fungal and Parasitic Preserve.
Submitted by
DR. FREDERICK JOHN KLEFFEL
Cross References
Bone Leprosy; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Extreme Exostosis
REVERSE PINOCCHIO SYNDROME12
Rhinolalia Illuminata
Country of Origin
Italy
First Known Case
Don Camillo Guareschi, La Spezia, 1978
Symptoms
This illness affects only people whose profession or happiness depends on sustained and conscious mendacity: priests, politicians, parents of unspeakably ugly babies, etc. (1)
Stage One: One nostril dilates and expands alarmingly, while the other decreases in size to such an extent that it soon disappears completely, being replaced first by a modest indentation, then a more ambitious tunnel, and finally a supremely arrogant black void with an unpleasantly greenish glow around the edges, similar to the solar corona during a total eclipse. At this point, the other nostril becomes smaller again, while, at the same time, a constant stream of mucus passes from it into its companion, as if being sucked into it. Simultaneously, the owners of these noses undergo an amazing transformation: they cease to tell lies. They become, in fact, quite unable to do so. Even under controlled torture, when they are told that they only have to say that two and two is five for the torture to stop, they will scream out that two and two is four.
Stage Two (the Ouroboros Gulp): After about 30 days, the nostril that has been losing mucus disappears into its companion, and almost immediately the upper lip curls up into oblivion, followed by the four upper incisors. An ominous sucking sound is also heard from inside the skull, presumably the frontal lobe making its exit. At this point, the victim is finished.
History
On June 27, 1978, halfway through a sermon, Don Camillo Guareschi, a much-respected Protestant priest in La Spezia, suddenly remarked that there was more truth and beauty in a choirgirl’s budding breasts than in the whole of Holy Scripture. In hospital later (his wife was twice his size), he forcefully informed the nurse that he wished to “insert my woefully underused member into your deliciously rotund rump.” In addition to this and other frank comments, it was observed that his nose had been undergoing a profound transformation, and that his left nostril in particular was shrinking at such a rate that within a few hours his cheeks were able to admire each other’s glow for the first time ever.
The hospital’s ear, nose, and throat specialist quickly related cause to effect. “Every time he tells the truth, his nose becomes shorter,” he declared woodenly. It was, as it transpired, the other way round.
The first clue as to what was really happening, and why, was provided by the famed Welsh astronomer, Pulcheria Raskolnikov Dzhugashvili, who happened to be in hospital for a severe case of nystagmus caused by prolonged study of pulsars and Italian traffic accidents. She noticed that the void that had formerly been Don Camillo’s left nostril was emitting vast quantities of x-rays. She asked about Don Camillo’s personal hygiene, was sick, and then delivered her verdict.
It is a well-known fact that lies only breed more lies. A time comes in the life even of professional liars when more lies are bred than can be uttered without fear of exposure or ridicule. Denied egress through the mouth, these lies accumulate in the nasal mucus. Unless the nose is forcefully and ever more frequently blown, i
n time the mucus in one or other of the nostrils becomes so impacted and dense with the weight of trapped falsehood that, just as in the process of star formation, the nostril develops its own gravity. As the two nostrils constitute a binary system, like Cygnus X-1, the emission of x-rays by one of the nostrils (which in our analogy is like the secondary body in a binary star system) indicates the gravity is so powerful that it attracts and burns up the mucus from the other nostril. What we astronomers call the accretion disc, but might here be more accurately termed the secretion disc, is clearly visible. Once the mass of mucus in the lie-packed nostril has passed the Chandrasekhar limit, it becomes a black hole. All the monstrous lies that the victim wishes to tell remain forever trapped behind the event horizon, redshifted out of existence by the Schwarzchild radius. Since no falsehood can now escape, the patient can only tell the truth. (2)
Subsequent studies have shown that although the black hole has a very limited range (for reasons beyond the scope of this entry), there inevitably comes a time when it has devoured its nasal companion and continues on to those parts of the body nearest to it. It is imperative, once the skull is gone, to launch the rest of the body into space. Otherwise, the world might be left with a homeless maverick black hole, with unforeseeable consequences.
No one is certain why this disease should only have appeared in the last few decades: people have, after all, always lied. The generally accepted explanation is that increasing pollution has resulted in the production of more nasal mucus, resistant to the occasional delicate dab with a silk handkerchief of the average professional liar, and that the vastly increased temptation to lie that has accompanied the rise of the media, especially television, has bred and generated more falsehood than ever before. (3)
Cures
Despite the vast amounts of money being poured into research by priests, politicians, and the more well-off parents of unspeakably ugly babies, no cure is yet in sight. Many people, in fact, hope that a cure will never be found, believing that in the interests of overall world health it is better to allow this extraordinary disease to spread unchecked.
Submitted by
DR. STEVE REDWOOD, M.D.
Endnotes
(1) Dr. Sarah Goodman, “Increased Incidence of Nasal Collapse among Church Congregations and in Parliament,” The Lancet, June 1999.
(2) Pulcheria Raskolnikov Dzhugashvili, quoted for some quite inexplicable reason in The Guide to Psycho-tropic Balkan Disease, edited by Geraldine Carter, M.D.
(3) For a dissident view, see Dr. Yetan Other, Aliens Bring Gift of Truth, 1999.
Cross Reference
Diseasemaker’s Croup
THIRD EYE INFECTION
Known Vectors
Northern California scalp tick (Dermacentor capilis)
Shaman’s Scruff Fungal Infection (Mycoleptria dermatadilis)
Country of Origin
Northern Monterey County, California, United States. Outbreaks have also been verified in Florida, Mexico, Wales, and Germany. Reported but not verified in India, China, and along Greater Stentath Street in the Izuitin sector of São Paulo, Brazil.
First Known Case
Boulder Creek, California, 1967. Don Elspeth, a mycologist specializing in hallucinogenic fungi, began to lose his hair in a typical case of male pattern baldness. He was pursuing the study of the species of fungi Mycoleptria dermatadilis mentioned in The Guide to Psycho-tropic Balkan Diseases. A fungal sample had been sent to his home for study by The Guide’s editor Geraldine Carter, M.D. Elspeth noted that the sample of Mycoleptria dermatadilis had a grayish-black color and texture indistinguishable from his own hair—at least on the carefully shaved rats he was using to cultivate the fungus. Therefore, he decided that it might be effective as a hair replacement. By the time Dr. Carter’s reply to his query on the matter arrived from the Dludgizikstan Republic, it was too late.
In and of itself, the cultivation of Shaman’s Scruff, as it came to be known in the following months, might not have been a problem. The trance-like states it induced resulted in the publication of many philosophical Master Theses in the mid-1970s. Numerous art works were attributed to it, as well as the creation of the tiny genre of Meta-Infectional Fiction, literature intended to spread itself as an infectious mental illness.
However, sanitary conditions in Elspeth’s Boulder Creek Lodging were not optimal. Elspeth also acquired an infestation of the Northern California Scalp Tick (Dermacentor capilis) in the winter of 1968. The two parasitic creatures established a symbiotic relationship. The transmission vector was established when a tick fed from the area infested with Mycoleptria dermatadilis, left Elspeth, and passed the infection on to another victim. In a fascinating case of symbiosis, Mycoleptria dermatadilis began to synthesize the skin-dissolving enzyme first secreted by the tick. The tick found the resulting infection an ideal place to lay its eggs.
Symptoms
In Third Eye Infection, the Northern California Scalp Tick (Dermacentor capilis) crawls to a feeding predilection site where it slits the skin with scalpel-like mouthparts (chelicerae), slips under the skin, and inserts a barbed proboscis (hypostome). The salivary glands secrete a cement-like substance. This substance, along with the proboscis, anchors the tick firmly in place. A wound develops that is similar to the small red raised welt caused by a mosquito bite. The fungal spores are injected as the tick feeds. They dissolve the skin, creating a large softened area in the forehead; bruising occurs under the ventral area of the scalp. The fungal mycelia grow in two to five days, and the gray-black tendrils mix with the hair of the patient. Recently researchers have identified a blonde variant.
After the first day, the fungus begins secreting the powerful hallucinogen mequathalamine. The mycelia grow into the cranial cavity at a rate of three to seven millimeters per day in ambient temperatures of 55 to 78 degrees Fahrenheit. The festering area of fungal growth will reach a maximum diameter of 50 millimeters, surrounded by a pus-filled corona of two millimeters. In effect, the infection appears to be a large “third eye” in the center of the forehead. In some patients it will be beneath the hair; in some males it will appear as an “island” of hair in the center of the forehead.
The patient will experience some itching near the initial bite. Once the secretion of mequathalamine by the fungus begins, the patient will experience anomalous sensations of flashing lights and whirling physical motion. Once the mycelia reach the tertiaquontal regions of the brain, the patient will begin chanting, droning, and exhibit bouts of verbal anaghorrhea. The ability to speak in codes and ciphers is a key diagnostic indicator. Some victims produce a hallucinatory gas that emerges in sweet-smelling gusts from nasal passages.
History
Elspeth’s famous monogram on “Nasal Tones Resulting from Fungal Infections,” published in the Northwestern Journal of Mycological Imagination caught the attention of Randolph Johnson, then in the process of compiling a revised edition of Confessions of a Disease Fiend. Johnson, and his half-brother Randolph Carter, joined Elspeth in Boulder Creek for a memorable month-long session of study during which it became increasingly difficult to discern the difference between self-induced and mycologically-based hallucinations. Certain recurring themes—visions of ancient fungi, sentient hive insects, and gynecologically-transmitted mental illness—tended to distinguish the hallucinations caused by Mycoleptria dermatadilis.
Before they left, Third Eye Infection had infiltrated Carter, Johnson, and their secretarial staff of seven female graduate students. The infection subsequently spread as the uncaring researchers fanned out across the nation, and eventually around the globe.
The trances, hallucinations, bouts of verbal anaghorrhea, and occasional fluids secreted from the infections went unnoticed in the environment of late 1960s Northern California until the disease had become established elsewhere. Often, even experts mistook these disease symptoms for purposeful behavior.
Some have tried cultivating the Mycoleptria dermatadilis fungus for its hallucinogenic prop
erties, but the visions induced by the tick-borne variety are much more intense and useful to the patient. A GM modification of the fungus is currently in trials as a hair replacement therapy.
Cures
No cures exist for Third Eye Infection because those afflicted with this disease are convinced that their lives are the better for it. While other residents may well know the cause, the visions speak for themselves, and allow the patient to serve a useful, shamanistic purpose in most communities. The disease spreads more quickly than it would otherwise because by the time its patients realize they are sick, they feel that the sickness itself is beneficial to their ability to merge as one with the psychic ecosystem of our infected world.
Extraction of the tick and the fungal infection from the affected tissue may result in trauma. In some patients, an “ice cream scoop” lobotomy has been performed with varying success. If carefully placed in a container of sugar-water, the resultant ball of infected tissue can maintain a healthy tick and fungal colony for up to three months. The inhaled spores from such a colony do not create the psychotropic effect of the infection itself, but were reputed to be making the rounds of Northern California parties in the late 1990s.
Submitted by
DR. FREDERICK JOHN KLEFFEL
Cross References
Diseasemaker’s Croup; Fungal Disenchantment
TIAN SHAN-GOBI ASSIMILATION
Country of Origin
China, Mongolia, or Russia (?)
First Known Case
Henry Graansvort, University of Rhode Island linguistics specialist
History
Throughout July, August, and early September of 1995, a group of five linguists from the University of Rhode Island obtained rare permission to travel through isolated areas of Russia, Mongolia, and China to document and preserve several endangered regional dialects. After traveling by plane to the Krasnoyarsk Reserve in Russia and then to the lush area around Tian Shan in China, they returned to their temporary headquarters in Mongolia: a series of huts on the edge of a small village where the Gobi Desert meets the Hangayn Mountains. On the evening of September 12,1995, Henry Graansvort, the leader of expedition, succumbed to the final stages of Tian Shan-Gobi Assimilation.